| 12/13/2000 4:45:00 PM One Year Ago in Figure Four Weekly (Issue 234)
by Bryan Alvarez Thanks for clicking on this special feature, One Year Ago in Figure Four Weekly. If you enjoy this issue and decide you’d like to become a regular subscriber, information on how to do so is located at the end of this issue.
*****
Kitty flashes crowd at Armageddon
After teasing it for over a year, the WWF finally delivered frontal nudity at the WWF Armageddon PPV on December 12.
Miss Kitty, who had just won the WWF Women’s Title in an Evening Gown Swimming Pool match, grabbed the mic and said the fans were probably sad that she won because they came to see her get naked. She then unclasped her bra and flashed her breasts for probably a full two seconds before Sgt. Slaughter covered her up with a towel. This was probably the most heat Slaughter has received in his whole career.
The WWF claims that Miss Kitty’s flashing at the PPV was an “unauthorized exposure”. They’re full of it, as usual. First off, Sgt. Slaughter was standing right there with a towel ready to cover her up quickly. Some of you may argue that the only reason Sarge was there was to cover up Mae Young, who also stripped (only to her bra luckily), but the fact is that Mae did her strip routine in response to Kitty’s display. Second, the WWF foreshadowed this on the previous Monday’s Raw when Miss Kitty told Chyna that she couldn’t wrestle in an Evening Gown match because she didn’t wear underwear.
It’s actually great wrestling psychology, because they teased showing BB’s much larger breasts earlier in the match, but didn’t deliver. Since Kitty ended up showing hers, fans will now believe that one of these days BB will show hers too. Believe me, this will help spike PPV buys the next time they book an Evening Gown match. He may be evil incarnate, but Vince McMahon is no fool.
As far as my thoughts on whether this crossed The Line, all I’ve got to say is this. First, it was on PPV, and any parent who buys a show for their kid that features people beating the crap out of each other, lighting their opponents on fire or trying to kill someone with an automobile shouldn’t be too disturbed if Little Johnny sees a pair of naked boobies. Believe me, I saw a lot of disturbing things on TV when I was growing up. Pretty much all of it was excessive violence. I never once had nightmares or lost sleep or became massively disturbed after catching a glimpse of some naked breasteses. In fact, I remember those as pretty fun times. And I haven’t killed anyone yet or joined a cult. So who gives a shit.
Heat was a pretty boring show overall. It opened with the announcers claiming they had no idea why there was a cage hanging over the ring. Well, who had it set up then? Lillian interviewed Al Snow, who goes more crazy by the week. Kevin Kelly interviewed Kane and Tori. Kane is still healed. I always think that one of these days I’ll be flipping through the channels and I’ll see Benny Hinn laying his hands on Kane and healing him of his childhood handicap. I wonder how many men it took to catch Kane when he collapsed at Benny Hinn’s feet. Cole introduced Moolah and Mae Young, who hobbled down to a swimming pool that was set up at ringside. Moolah said they would referee and the crowd booed. The WWF should have had them wear swimsuits from the 1920s. Ivory came out and the atrophying women threw her into the pool. Kelly was shown by a helicopter. As scary music played, he showed some of the war machines gathered around ringside. There was a machine gun. Also, a jeep. Fans around the nation called their cable companies to order. Jericho cut a promo and said he’d beat Chyna. He was over. Fans live said he got the second loudest ovation of the night behind Rock. Giant cut a promo and said Bossman was “going to pay the fiddler”. What fiddler is he talking about? Hollys came out and asked to weigh Viscera. Viscera just sauntered along and did everything they asked of him. He broke the first scale so they put him on an industrial scale over by the war machines. The scale revealed that Viscera is a fat man. Rikishi ran out and attacked the Hollys. More fans called their cable companies. Outlaws cut a promo backstage. Some of the teams in the battle royal ran into their dressing room and brawled. Dumb. Rock arrived wearing the ugliest shirt of his career. If you paid me $500 I wouldn’t wear that shirt in public. He was mobbed by fans. Foley then pulled up in another car, honking the horn wildly. Four old men mobbed Mankind for autographs. I love Rock and Sock. Rock cut a funny promo in which he ran down the Outlaws for saying the same things every night. Al Snow pinned Test clean. I don’t know what Test did to piss someone off, but that’s three clean losses in a row. HHH came out and hyped up the main event to close the show.
The PPV opened with probably the cheesiest montage in the history of pro-wrestling.
1. Acolytes won an 18-man battle royal to become the number one contenders for the Tag Titles. Dudleys started brawling with Edge and Christian before the other teams had even been introduced. It was quickly broken up. All the teams got their own entrance music and it took a total of 10:06 to get this match underway. Hardyz and Too Cool got big pops on the way down to the ring. The ho’s probably got the loudest ovation of all. Apparently, Mark Henry and Godfather are friends again after Henry turned on him a few weeks back. This match was actually really lame until it came down to Dudleys, Acolytes and Hardyz. Dudleys hit a double neckbreaker that Ross identified as the 3D. I’ve now come to the conclusion that Ross thinks every double-team move the Dudleys do is the 3D. If they put Bradshaw in a row-the-boat I think Ross would call it a 3D. Anyway, they got eliminated leaving the poor Hardyz in to get their asses handed to them by the Acolytes. Matt and Bradshaw ended up both going over the top rope together a la Luger and Bret at Royal Rumble a few years ago. The ref didn’t know what in the hell to do so he let them get back in the ring. That’s nice of him. Jeff then eliminated Bradshaw, but the referee didn’t see it. You know what that means. They teased several bumps to the outside. The final spot was awesome as Jeff came charging at Faarooq and ended up getting launched Lucha-style all the way over the top rope and to the floor. Cool finish to a pretty terrible battle royal. Jeff Hardy could be better than Shawn Michaels in a few years providing he doesn’t kill himself. *3/4
2. Kurt Angle d. Steve Blackman. Blackman interrupted Angle’s pre-match speech, guaranteeing that he would be the face for at least a minute or so until the crowd got bored and started hating everyone. Angle actually went up top and whipped out a SWANK moonsault. Too bad he missed. Actually, it was a good thing he missed because it looked like a shoot moonsault designed to end a career. Blackman applied a “modified” bow-and-arrow and the crowd chanted “Boring!” Actually, when you think about it, they could have been chanting “BOWANDARROW!” Angle won with a German out of nowhere. This was actually a decent, basic wrestling match. Blackman laid out Angle after the match and got a big pop. *1/4
3. Miss Kitty beat Ivory & Jackie & Barbara Bush to win the WWF Women’s Title in an Evening Gown Swimming Pool match. Moolah and Mae Young came out as “celebrity guest referees”. I guess now that they were on the Billboard Music Awards they are celebrities and not wrestlers. I thought that only happened if you went on the Donnie and Marie Show. They billed this as a Four Corners match even though there were twelve corners in the swimming pool. Jackie was stripped first. Then Barbara. I can’t believe we haven’t heard “We want Bush!” chants yet. Ivory tried to rip off Barbara’s bra after the match but it wouldn’t cooperate. BB stood there for what seemed like hours as Ivory struggled to get the bra clasp loose. At least we can safely assume Ivory is not a lesbian. Barbara finally just left and people booed. Kitty finally took off Ivory’s dress for the win. The boobies appeared here. 1/4*
4. Bob Hollys beat Viscera & Rikishi Fatu. For some reason, they keep calling Viscera “Big Vis”. I guess we are supposed to think Viscera is cool now because he’s got a friendlier name. It’s not working. No heat at all. Viscera accidentally kicked Phatu allowing Bob to pin him. The two fat guys fought afterwards to set up what should be an epic feud.
1/2*
5. Val Venis d. British Bulldog & D-Lo Brown to win the WWF European Title. Referee Teddy Long kicked the Posse out of the ringside area before the match began. D-Lo hit a cool tope to the outside early and took out both Bulldog and Val. The match slowed down at that point and the heat died. D-Lo tried a springboard whatamanuever but slipped and fell on his ass. It was so botched up that the fans actually chanted “You fucked up!” Bulldog than took an equally absurd hiptoss. You know, I can understand D-Lo slipping on a springboard move, but Bulldog has no excuse whatsoever for f’ing up a goddamn hiptoss. In addition to that his timing was off on almost everything he did and he looked horrible. D-Lo hit a powerbomb on Val but Bulldog pulled the referee out of the ring at two. Bulldog then claimed a ringside fan was responsible. Now THAT was funny. Val and Bulldog double backdropped D-Lo almost to Mars. Near the finish, D-Lo tried to hit Bulldog with the Rydeen bomb but Bulldog jumped way to early and it looked atrocious. D-Lo then hit the frog splash and went for the cover. Val, however, jumped off the other corner and splashed both of them. He then covered Bulldog for the win. Good finish to a really bad match. Tajiri vs. Crazy vs. Lynn this certainly was not. 3/4*
6. Kane beat X-Pac in a cage match. X-Pac came up with some goofy stipulations for this match. He said that he could beat Kane by pinfall or by escaping the cage, but Kane could only win by pinfall. Kane apparently accepted these stipulations. They started outside the cage but quickly climbed in. Tori looks like a centaur, except that she’s half male and half female as opposed to half man, half horse. Kane and X-Pac eventually climbed into the cage and the bell rang. Ross said “penis” and Lawler almost had an aneurism. They did some stuff for awhile to little heat. Finally, the Outlaws ran out with some bolt cutters. They broke into the cage and Billy slammed the door on Kane’s head. Dogg threw a chair into the ring. X-Pac hit Kane with the X-Factor on it and then handcuffed him to the cage. Another screwjob. Yawn. X-Pac hit some chairshots on Kane and then started climbing out of the cage. Tori ran in to make the save. X-Pac hit her with an X-Factor. Kane broke free from the handcuffs at this point and ran wild. X-Pac, who decided to climb over the cage to the floor as opposed to doing the logical thing, which would be to go through the open cage door, was halfway down the other side. Kane ran out of the cage door and grabbed Waltman off the other side. He carried him back into the ring and slammed him. Kane then climbed to the top of the cage and delivered his BIG RED CLOTHESLINE. That was damn scary. Kane then hit the tombstone for the pinfall. This started out slow but actually turned into a good match. **3/4
I wonder if Kane’s dog’s name is Clifford.
7. Chris Jericho beat Chyna to win the WWF Intercontinental Title. Chyna took over at the bell with her elementary offense. Jericho took over and she took a hard bump into the ring steps. There was good heat for this match. Chyna got tied in the ropes and Jericho took the opportunity to work over — this is true — her bad thumb. He punched it and kicked it. “Dropkick it!” screamed Craig from his easy chair. Sho’nuff, Jericho hit the ropes on the other side and DROPKICKED CHYNA IN THE THUMB. All of us at Craig’s house erupted in applause like marks. Jericho tried a powerbomb and Chyna turned it into a huracanrana. Chyna needs to go back and have Les Thatcher teach her how to run the damn ropes. Jericho took off the corner pad. Of course, he took a bump into the exposed metal for a nearfall. Jericho took her up top for a back superplex, but she reversed it and ended up crushing his head like an egg. Jericho, heroically, fought on for men worldwide. Jericho finally applied the Lion Tamer to a huge pop. Chyna struggled for the ropes and I morphed into the World’s Biggest Geek, grasping and pulling at the air in the hopes that The Force would magically pull the ropes out of Chyna’s grasp. It didn’t work, but Jericho did manage to pull her back to the center. Finally, after what I will admit, for all you female readers out there, was a heroic struggle, Chyna tapped out. WOO-HOO! Finally, the belt has come back home. **1/4
Jericho cut a promo backstage celebrating his win. Chyna suddenly walked in and said that she had been the better wrestler last month, but he was the better wrestler that evening. She shook his hand. I think Jericho offered to thumb-wrestle her, but she left.
That reminds me, when I was a little kid they had these thumb-wrestling dolls that you could buy at toy stores. The dolls were about three or four inches tall and represented famous wrestlers of that era, like Hulk Hogan. It was funny because the dolls were so big and awkward that it was literally impossible to actually have a thumb-wrestling contest with them. But the really weird thing was that the dolls had a huge hole in their ass, and that’s where you had to put your thumb. I swear to God I’m not making this up. Maybe there was more to these dolls than met the eye, but I was too young at the time to contemplate such perversion.
8. Rock & Mankind d. New Age Outlaws—DQ. Rock was over like mad with the rubes in attendance. Ass did a Diamond Cutter early in the match and Ross set a new standard for avoiding the usage of a WCW performers finishing move by calling it a “modified neckbreaker-like maneuver”. Mankind got beaten on for a long time and finally made the hot tag. All four guys hit the ring and brawled. Foley finally put the Socko claw on Road Dogg. Of course, Al Snow ran in and hit Mankind with Head behind the referee’s back. Dogg made the cover but Rock pulled the referee out of the ring at two. Rock should have blamed that on a fan. Billy then hit Foley with the ring bell and Dogg made the cover. The referee made the count but Foley kicked out. Some good false finishes here. They worked over Mankind some more. Foley finally made the second hot tag and Rock reran wild. Rock hit the uranage on the Road Dogg but Al ran in right in front of the referee for the DQ. What a lame finish. Al took the uranage and the People’s Elbow after the match to a big pop. **
9. Big Show beat Big Bossman to retain the WWF Title. Was this ever horrible. Bossman cut a promo before the match. They’re teasing that Show’s biological father will be found soon. I guess maybe it was Andre the Giant after all. Or, according to the Internet, Andor the Gaint. Giant killed Bossman forever. Actually, the whole match was over in less than four minutes but it seemed like forever. Prince Albert took a chokeslam through the Spanish announcer’s table. Crowd chanted “Boring!” Show then gave Bossman this pitiful chokeslam and got the win. They could at least have had Bossman kick out of one chokeslam and then get pinned by a second one to build up some heat or something. Or have Show give him three chokeslams in a rage. As it was, this was just beyond lame. DUD
10. Hunter Hearst Helmsely pinned Vince McMahon to win a Title shot at the Royal Rumble in 19:48. I’ll bet you think I’m making that time up, aren’t you? Well, you’re right. It was actually 29:48. I swear. And about 1:48 of it was good. Stephanie came out before the match and sat in the front row. I guess she used that ticket that DX bought Hunter for a wedding present. In an interesting sidenote, Hunter hyperextended his knee earlier in the day doing a run-through with Vince, and wasn’t even supposed to wrestle at the event. That’s why his knee was all taped up and he did virtually nothing on Raw. So this crippled man basically worked against his doctor’s recommendations and carried the blown-up Vince for 30 minutes. HHH may be a lot more talented than I have given him credit for being. Vince took over at the bell by throwing powder in Hunter’s eyes. He then hit him with some really stiff-looking punches. Vince was wearing his shooter gloves. Vince is 53 today. His age drops like his stock. After awhile, Foley came out with a shopping cart full of plunder and handed some stuff off to Vince. Vince, seeing a lead pipe and other assorted weapons of destruction, chose to grab a trash can lid. He pummeled Hunter. Vince also used a “steel crutch”. Craig, being a large man with only one good leg at the time, wanted to know where one could procure a set of steel crutches. They brawled all over including back by the war machines. Ross noted that helicopters weren’t designed for this sort of environment. Yes, the Battle of Midway was nothing compared to the WWF Armageddon main event. They brawled to the backstage area. Suddenly, Hunter disappeared. He must have been watching some Doug Henning tapes. Vince went out into the parking lot to look for him. A car tried to run Vince over but he jumped over a guardrail to save his life. Hunter jumped out of the car and they kept brawling. Hunter threw Vince into some cars and then dragged him back into the building. Vince and Hunter, for no good reason except that the crowd was dying, climbed up onto this big lighting tower and Vince took about a twelve foot bump onto what appeared to be an air mattress. The fans booed. Vince came up bloody and that appeased them a bit. Hunter then dragged Vince back to ringside. This is where it got good. Hunter dragged Vince into the ring right in front of Stephanie and threatened to smash her dad’s head in with a pipe. HHH then changed his mind and grabbed a sledgehammer. Vince kicked him low, bonked HHH in the head with the pipe and then intercepted the sledgehammer. He was about to kill Hunter when Stephanie hit the ring. She asked Vince to give her the sledgehammer so she could hit Hunter. Vince, like an idiot, said OK. She raised the sledgehammer over her head, but couldn’t bring herself to hit her dear hubby. Hunter then grabbed it from her and nailed Vince in the head with it. Vince finally laid down for the three-count. I don’t think a gun would have put Vince down any faster. After the match, Hunter threatened to hit Steph with the sledgehammer. She stood up, looked him straight in the eyes, and SMILED. He gave her a big hug and all was right in the world. WOO-HOO! *
Special Thanks
I would like to thank the following individuals for their help in putting Figure Four Weekly together: Gladys Gibson, Carlos and Valerie Alvarez, Dave Meltzer, Craig Proper, Brent Kremen, Mike Rodgers, Tadashi Tanaka, Natina Schulz, Koji Yamamoto, Peter Stein, Mike Lorefice, Carlos Loera, John Courville, Brian Schenk, Bruce Mitchell, Mike Mooneyham, Bob Barnett, Georgiann Makropolous, Calvin Martin, Joe Keen.
WWF News and Notes
• Droz appeared on Byte This last week. He thanked everyone for their support and said the hardest part of rehab is trying to stay focused. He said he was taking this one day at a time and is happy with the small improvements. He said he was starting to get feeling back in his thumb. Droz said he underwent X-Rays right before doing the show, and hoped they would result in him getting a less supportive neck brace. He said he had no hard feelings towards D-Lo because accidents happen. He said he couldn’t wait to go out hunting again and wanted to get back into wrestling if it ever became possible. He said he really missed hanging out with the guys backstage. He noted that the mental recovery is much harder than the physical. Shane McMahon bought him a laptop computer and Droz says he’s going to answer e-mail and write a column for WWF.com while he’s laid up. It was good to hear Droz still in good spirits, and regaining feeling in his thumb is definitely a step in the right direction, but there is still definitely a long way to go. Check out WWF.com for contact information.
• What a beating. Raw scored a 6.12 rating off hourly numbers of 6.13 and 6.10. Nitro scored an abysmal 2.90 off hourly numbers of 3.60 and 2.41 and 2.60. So, head-to-head, Raw killed them 6.12 to 2.50. The only Nitro show in at least the last year that was rated lower than this was the final show of the Kevin Nash booking era, in which pretty much everything he booked was a total rib. Russo was about ready to quit after Thunder since Standards and Practices clamped down even harder in light of the WWF’s recent troubles with the PTC. It’s a convenient thing for Russo to bitch about, but the fact is that most of what Standards and Practices put a stop to was stuff that would have been totally stupid on TV anyway. Plus, anyone who really knows how to book wrestling could do so successfully regardless of any obscenity standards being placed on them. The lustre surrounding Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara is fading out rapidly. Smackdown drew a 4.33, which is down a bit, and Thunder drew a 2.31, which is up a bit. In other words, having the “A” players on Thunder helped WCW and hurt the WWF. What an amazing concept. Too bad it took them almost a year to figure that out. Jackasses. Heat drew a very strong 4.32 which is good news for the WWF leading into the PPV. ECW remained at the 1.10 level.
• Steve Austin’s spinal surgery has been confirmed for January 27th. Following the surgery, he’ll need to spend eight weeks in a brace, which means there is about a 0% chance that he’ll have a match at WrestleMania this year. There is a very good chance he’ll show up in some capacity, probably as a guest commentator, but the WWF is making plans with the assumption that he won’t have a major role at the event.
• The plan to do an injury angle with Mankind at Royal Rumble has been pushed back to at least WrestleMania due to the situation with Austin. Foley will work a limited house show schedule starting in January and probably work mostly tags on the televised events so someone else can do most of the in-ring work. As of press time, the planned main event for Royal Rumble is Hunter Hearst Helmsely defending the WWF Title (which means he’ll win it soon) against Cactus Jack.
• The WWF will be referring to Taz as “Tazz” due to Warner Brothers owning the rights to the “Taz” name for its cartoons. He’s expected to debut probably at the first set of tapings in January. If you haven’t figured it out already, the orange lighting and symbol that appears on the TitanTron is his build-up. Jim Ross noted in his latest online report that he had high hopes for Tazz if he came in strong. The part about him having to come in strong cannot be overstated. If Tazz doesn’t come in as an absolute monster killing machine, he’s probably dead in the water, and it looks like Jim Ross at least recognizes this. The feeling is that WWF is at least going to give him as big a chance as anyone, and it’ll be up to him to carry his end. Of course, Jericho has been trying to carry his end, but they almost killed him totally dead right from the get-go, and he’s had a hell of a time building himself back up. The difference is that Jericho obviously has great charisma and is bulletproof to some degree, whereas Tazz is relatively unproven in that department.
• I’ll bet you Test wins the WWF Title for at least a few days from Big Show.
• WWFE stock at press time was trading at 16 and 5/8.
• In light of all the recent controversy, WWF will shortly be opening up www.hotrain.com. They will have photos and — get this — bios of all the Godfather’s ho’s. You know, the ones who went to college for six years to get their degrees in stripping.
• Fabulous Moolah and “Mae Wong” represented the WWF at the Billboard Music Awards. They got into a fight and Mae took a phat bump on the stage. She has to be a robot or something, because no normal granny can do those things.
• Still lots of talk of Dream Stage Entertainment (promoters of the Japanese PRIDE events) doing a joint show with the WWF at the Tokyo Dome in late 2000. The event would probably take place on a Friday and be billed as “Raw is War” with the same expensive pyro displays they use on TV. They will probably use some Japanese names to help sell the show in that market, although there will be absolutely no matches featuring WWF wrestlers vs. PRIDE talent. Even though both major US promotions try to claim that “winning and losing doesn’t matter”, the WWF (and WCW in the case of Goldberg) will not allow one of their workers to do a job to a guy from another promotion on a show in another country that 95% of US fans will never even hear about. And the 5% that do hear about it will be hardcore fans that know the sport is a work and realize that winning and losing really doesn’t matter. DSE actually suggested a match where Steve Austin would do the job to Nobuhiko Takada, and the WWF nixed that immediately. The WWF is also trying to work out a major deal to get their television programs on Japanese network TV.
WWF On Television
WWF Smackdown (December 9 — Taped December 7): Road Dogg beat Chris Jericho. Jericho got the win but Dogg had his feet on the ropes and the referee didn’t see it. Chyna pointed this out to the ref, so he restarted the match. Dogg then hit the pumphandle slam. Jericho got his feet on the ropes but Chyna pushed them off so he got pinned... Test went up to Stephanie backstage and said he wanted to call off the engagement. She gave him the ring back. This was seriously some of the worst acting you will ever see in your life, and that includes Nitro Girl skits. Stephanie and Test were about to kiss when X-Pac busted into the room and made fun of Test... Back in the booth, Lawler said he couldn’t believe Test was about to kiss Hunter’s wife. Despite the fact that Test and Stephanie’s lips were so close together that you couldn’t have slid a piece of paper between them, Michael Cole said we didn’t know for sure whether or not they were really going to kiss. Well what in the hell else were they going to do in that position? Maybe she had something in her teeth and he was going to bite it out... Dudleys d. Steve Blackman & Kurt Angle when Blackman ate the 3D. Angle said after the match that this was Blackman’s loss, so he was still undefeated. Angle beat up Blackman for good measure... Christian d. British Bulldog—DQ when the Posse ran in. Val Venis and D-Lo Brown ran out for the hell of it, which ingeniously set up a three-way for the belt at the PPV... Kevin Kelly interviewed Kitty about the Evening Gown match backstage. He scoffed at her chances of winning, which ensured that she would. Kitty got pissed at Kelly and proved she could win the match by attempting to tear Kelly’s clothes off. This was disturbing. Kelly is such a goof. Let me tell you something about cool people and goofy people. Cool people can act cool because they’re naturally cool. Cool people can also act goofy because anybody can act goofy. Goofy people can also act goofy because they’re naturally goofy. But goofy people can never truly act cool. Goofy people trying to be cool end up looking even more goofy than before. That’s why Lex Luger’s current character is so funny. He’s a goof in real life, so it’s easy for him to act like a goof on TV. When he tried to act like a badass, it was just annoying and everybody hated him. Kevin Kelly should not try to act like a cool guy because he can’t do it. He should just give up and act like a goof, and then he’d at least have a believable persona... By the way, I think the fact that all of the McMahon’s are a thousand times better as heels proves that the family is evil incarnate... Speaking of cool people, Too Cool and Phatu were shown busting a move at a dance club... Hardyz NC Bossman & Prince Albert when Big Slow ran down and tried to choke Bossman to death. Bossman and Albert ran for their lives... Mankind d. Al Snow—DQ when Snow hit him with a chair... Vince, Linda, the Stooges, Shane and Stephanie came down to the ring for the contract signing. Hunter came out on the ramp with a clipboard. HHH said that since Vince couldn’t come within 50 feet, Shane was going to have to be the intermediary. Shane went up the ramp, got the papers, and took them down to Vince. Vince signed them. Shane then took the papers back up to HHH. Hunter signed them and then jumped Shane. The Stooges tried to make the save but DX held them back. Hunter then threw Shane off the ramp and Shane took this choice bump through a table. It was actually about the safest bump in the world, but they sold it like Shane was dead. The EMT’s carelessly loaded him onto a stretcher and took him away. This was a really good segment... After commercial, Shane was shown chatting away on the stretcher as if nothing had happened. So much for the injury angle... X-Pac pinned Test clean with the X-Factor. Sucks to be Test... Christopher was shown dancing at the club. After commercial, it was Phatu’s turn to dance. Midway through, the Bob Hollys ran in and KO’d Phatu with their scale. It was your classic hokey wrestling angle. I guess Crash carries that scale around with him on the street. I’ll bet he got carded at the dance club too... Rock beat Billy Gunn. All you need to know was that this was two minutes long and also had two ref bumps... Hunter came down for his match with Kane. A guy wearing a Vince McMahon mask came down to referee. Hunter attacked him. So a second masked Vince came out. Hunter attacked him too. Then a third masked Vince came down. Hunter finally decided it was time to get the f’ out of Dodge. Seeing Hunter sliding out of the ring and backing up the ramp as three masked Vince’s stalked him was actually pretty damn scary. That’s what Hell is like. A fourth masked Vince, who was obviously the real Vince since he was wearing the same suit Vince wore earlier and also had identical mannerisms, suddenly ran out and attacked Hunter with a bat. DX tried to interfere but the Vince’s beat them up too. This show did a pretty good job hyping up the PPV.
Raw is Weird (December 13 — Live): Hunter and Stephanie arrived holding hands and — get ready — skipping. This was so cute... Jericho came down and cut a promo. X-Pac interrupted him and challenged Jericho to a match. Chyna and Kitty came out, presumably to watch. Jericho was way over as a face. Jericho won via DQ when Chyna attacked the referee. This was OK... Hunter and Stephanie confronted Shane backstage. Shane chewed them out. What a dick. Shane was waiting for Vince to arrive. Ross said Vince is rarely late for TV. What in the hell is Ross talking about? Vince has arrived late for almost every single show they’ve ever done... Godfather and the ho’s came down at 9:16 PM. I guess the Godfather and his nappy ho’s aren’t considered naughty, because the WWF has emphatically stated that the naughty stuff only comes on after 10:00. GTV appeared on the big screen showing Mark Henry in bed with Mae Young. There was a HUGE pop for that. Even Lillian lost it. I guess that’s not considered naughty either. What is naughty then? Henry d. Godfather in a horrible match when Mae distracted Godfather. No explanation for why Henry and Godfather hated each other again after being pals the night before... Vince arrived, at last. He had a sledgehammer. Shane, who is miraculously healed from his neck and back trauma suffered on Smackdown, tried to calm his dad down... Vince came down to the ring and called out HHH. Vince called him a “rapist”. I thought there was no rape on WWF TV? Stephanie came out and ripped her dad a new one. The crowd chanted “SHE’S A BITCH!” and “SLUT!” That’s family fun. Vince must have been pissing his pants. She said she’d always had a crush on HHH and then yelled at Vince for arranging her kidnapping and sacrifice to the Undertaker several months back. Vince had nothing to say because she was right. Hunter then came out on the ramp. Stephanie went up to him and they smooched right in front of Vince, who damn near died. This segment ruled... Vince went berzerk backstage, saying he didn’t even want to breathe the same air HHH did. He demanded to be taken home... Hunter and Stephanie decided to take over the show... Rock came down and cut a nonsensical promo about sticking a chicken up someone’s ass. The crowd popped anyway. Rock & Sock d. Dudleys—DQ when Bubba hit Mankind with a lame chairshot. All four guys got this concerned look on their face like this wasn’t supposed to happen. Hunter and Steph came out and said the tag match was no-DQ. So they started over. This was the first Raw match in months to continue through a commercial break. Bubba knocked out the referee. Hunter and Steph came back out and sent a guy in a Vince McMahon mask down to referee. He fast-counted Mankind giving the Dudleys the win. Mankind unmasked the guy, who ended up being Al Snow. Rock then attacked Bubba and the first ref ran in and counted the pin. Who booked this, Paul Heyman? Ross said he assumed the good guys were the real winners. Works for me... An angry Steph booked the Posse vs. Acolytes for later... Kitty came down to a pool full of pudding and demanded to be referred to as The Cat. Stephanie sent Tori out to wrestle Kitty in the pudding. During the match, X-Pac came out in a wet suit and helped Kitty get the win. Kane then came out and threw X-Pac into the pudding. Who booked this, Vince Russo? After the match, Kitty threw Lillian into the pudding for calling her “Miss Kitty” on accident. Seeing Lillian in pudding made me feel funny and tingly... In an unintentionally hilarious segment, Jerry Lawler tried to get a Steve Austin doll to talk. He put the mic up to it but no sound came out. Lawler said he could hear it. He asked Ross, and Ross said he could hear it too. None of us at home could hear it. Ross promised the kids at home that it really worked. What awkward TV. Then, if that wasn’t classic enough, they came back from commercial and Lawler revealed that the reason we couldn’t hear the doll talking was because there weren’t any batteries in it. So what in the hell did Lawler and Ross hear the first time when they said they heard it talking? What a bunch of goofs... Acolytes killed the Posse. Pete Gas took a HELLA chairshot to the head. He needs to read Mick Foley’s book... Edge & Christian d. Hardyz in a really good cage match. Speaking of guys that need to read Foley’s book, crazy-ass Jeff Hardy missed a senton bomb from the top of the cage and looked like he just about killed himself. Now that I think about it, Jeff needs to read Dynamite Kid’s book as well... Outlaws d. Kane in a “triple threat match”. Not much of note, although Billy’s kids were watching in the front row... Hunter signed Bossman & Albert vs. Big Show. I could hear remote controls clicking nationwide... They quickly clicked back after seeing Creative Control, Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper on Nitro... Show won in a bad match... Stephanie commanded the Outlaws to defend their Tag Titles in the main event. They didn’t want to. Hunter demanded that they listen to his wife. He’s whipped already. Steph added that they would face the team of Hunter and — get ready — Test. Any idiot could see where this was headed... Hunter & Test NC Outlaws. The Outlaws beat on Test forever until the finally made the hot tag to Hunter. Of course, Hunter kicked his ass too. Oldest trick in the book. All the bad guys, including Stephanie, did crotch chops as the show ended. Not a lot of good wrestling, but a pretty fun show.
WCW News and Notes
• Ric Flair requested a release from his WCW contract last week but was turned down. The WWF has made it known to several people that they would take Flair in a heartbeat if he were available. Friends of Flair are saying he has been regretting his decision to re-sign with WCW pretty much since the ink dried. Flair has over a year left on his current contract, although his deal for 2000 only requires him to make personal appearances and not actually do any wrestling matches. This probably is not the end of this particular story.
• The crazed fan in the Nitro Party video, who also made a brief appearance in shadow on Nitro last week, is Daphne Unger, who to my knowledge has never worked in wrestling before. She’ll be playing a nut who stalks David Flair.
• Poor Bret Hart. In his column this week, he talked about how he had decided, no matter what was going on in wrestling, to do everything he could to restore dignity to the title belts. He wrote this shortly before Russo booked him and Goldberg to lose the belts to the Outsiders in a screw-job less than a week after they won them, thus devaluing the titles even more. You know how some people in wrestling are said to have come along before their time? In many ways, poor Bret came along way after his time. Bret also said he’d talked to a “high-ranking official” in the Special Olympics who said they were thinking of disassociating themselves from the WWF due to the content issue. He also noted the WCW needs to be wary of their content since advertisers won’t be any more loyal to them than they’ve been to the WWF.
• Dallas Page is working on another book entitled: “Positive Affirmation For Kids From A to Z with DDP”. His autobiography, which was edited down to 500 pages from an original 900, was just published and can currently be purchased online at www.DDPBang.com.
• Speaking of Page, he is admitting to pretty much everyone that the skirmish with Buff Bagwell on Thunder was a work. The funny part is that nobody filled Lex Luger in on this, which is why Luger looked so sincere in his efforts to pull the guys apart. Page is still emphatically stating that the original pull-apart in the buffet area was a shoot.
• The planned announce team for Thunder, at least for the time being, is Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson and Juventud Guererra. A lot of the wrestlers thought Juvie was a disaster on commentary last week, although Russo thought he was really funny. A poll on Wrestling Observer Live showed over 60% of fans thought he was funny, although a good number of those said they didn’t want to have to see him on the show again. Still, it’s a better announce crew than Nitro.
• Steve Williams may not be long for WCW. The official word is that he’ll be going to All Japan after Starrcade and then return once that tour is over. I’m pretty skeptical about that. He’s currently working without a contract and many people were sure this wouldn’t work out with him wanting to work for both WCW and All Japan, since WCW has at least a smidgen of a working relationship with New Japan. It also seemed like the only reason they brought him in at all was for the sole purpose of the Jim Ross parody. If he really does return after the All Japan tour, I’ll be very surprised.
• In sad news, it appears David Taylor has been released.
• Sting, Madusa, Roddy Piper and Bobby Heenan were all on Politically Incorrect last week and it was a complete disaster. Bill Maher made a comment right off the bat that Piper construed as being a knock on pro-wrestlers, and Piper totally went off the deep-end. As Madusa begged him to relax, Piper — this is true — pulled his pants down on national TV to show Maher his scars from hip-replacement surgery. I was kind of hoping someone would pipe in that his ravaged hips probably didn’t get that way from taking bumps, but I think Piper would have literally tried to strangle someone to death if he heard that. Piper then pouted like a baby for the rest of the show. Although there really wasn’t much else of note, the producers loved the interplay and thought it was a great show.
• WCW has instituted a new policy whereby wrestlers will be fined if they show up late for events. Last week before Nitro they called a meeting and made this announcement to the wrestlers. Unfortunately, Luger and Elizabeth were late for the event and missed the meeting. They’re off to a good start.
• Torrie Wilson signed a two-year deal with WCW last week. She had been working on a per-show basis up until that point and was originally offered a contract that her agent rightfully felt was insufficient. Torrie claims that she had no contact whatsoever with the WWF during negotiations, but word probably got to WCW somehow that WWF was interested in her. Whether she talked to them or not, WCW upped their offer once they realized WWF would take her in a heartbeat. She was also said to be more interested in coming to an agreement with WCW due to the content issue in the WWF, feeling that Turner Standards and Practices wouldn’t let WCW go too far with her. She’s probably glad she made that decision in light of Miss Kitty’s flashing at the Armageddon show.
• Kidman has been pulled from TV mostly to get over the idea that the Filthy Animals are dead. He pulled a muscle in his neck on the house show swing last week but got medical clearance to wrestle shortly thereafter.
• The word backstage was that Bill Banks had never heard of Jushin Liger prior to his appearance on Nitro. That cannot be true.
WCW On Television
Thursday Juvie (December 9 — Taped December 7): Hall and Nash came down to the ring with a ladder to hype up the Starrcade match with Benoit. Hall said he invented the ladder matches. Actually, that was Stu Hart up in Calgary. So Hall should have said he was the guy who was carried in the ladder matches by a guy who stole the concept from the guy whose dad invented them. Hall just probably couldn’t remember all that. Sid ended up running out and they got into the worst brawl in the history of Thunder. Scott Hall then took this comical bump off the ladder which set the standard to which all horrible bumps will now be measured. He is such an idiot sometimes. Dustin tried to make the save but Jarrett KO’d him with the guitar. Benoit finally ran down but he got punked as well... Tenay hyped up the show. Juvie and Psicosis came out. Juvie climbed onto the second turnbuckle and screamed into the mic: “Finally, the Juice has come back to Milwaukee!” Too bad they were in Madison. Actually, this was a legit accident on the part of Juvie, but everyone thought it was so funny that they kept it. Juvie said he was doing commentary for the rest of the show... Revolution came out. Douglas challenged Duggan and three friends to a match at Starrcade. The stipulations are that if Duggan’s team wins, the Revolution becomes janitors for a month. If the Revolution win, Duggan has to renounce his US citizenship... Malenko d. Booker T when Shane hit Booker with his cast behind the ref’s back. Duggan ran out to make the save afterwards... The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea debuted. He was accompanied to the ring by Nitro Girl Storm, whom they called Paisley. Juvie said this was the worst gimmick in the whole company and that Iaukea had no skills. Juvie also said he hated Vampiro because Vamp stole his finisher. “You still suck!” the fans chanted at Prince. Vamp beat Iaukea with a kick. Steve Williams ran in afterwards and hit Prince with a backdrop driver... Russo fired Mona... Madusa d. Rhonda Singh. Juvie said both Madusa and Evan had no skills. After the match, the lights went out and someone (Mona) attacked Rhonda and left her laying... Jerry Flynn beat up David Flair in the Block Match. Tank Abbott then ran in and attacked Flynn. It takes unparalleled incompetence to not be able to figure out how to get Tank Abbott over... Bret Hart & Goldberg d. Creative Control to win the WCW Tag Titles. Referee Mark Johnson was being biased, so Roddy Piper came down and replaced him. This match went about two minutes, further killing the credibility of both the belts and Creative Control... Saturn d. Stevie Ray with help from Creative Control. This was bad. Booker T ran out to make the save afterwards... Russo called Piper into his office and basically threatened to smite him for screwing over Creative Control... Sting cut a promo with Liz. He said she had his stamp of approval, which means she’ll screw him for sure... Luger came out for his match with Bagwell. This quickly became the greatest Thunder moment in history. Juvie said Luger had the juice. Tenay asked Juvie if that meant that Luger had Juvie’s stamp of approval. “He got the juice!” Juvie said. “He has some juice inside, you know what I’m talking about?” Tenay asked him to explain. Juvie asked if it was “a genetic”. Tenay said yes, Luger had great genetics. “I think that’s the juice!” said Juvie. He added that he was going to look like that in a couple of months. Tenay asked if that meant Juvie was going to go on a strict training regimen. Juvie said: “I just gotta take more juice!” Oh my God, I was ROLLING on the floor at this point. Tenay tried to derail Juvie by asking him if he liked apple or orange juice. This was classic beyond words. Page came out to do commentary, but ended up just sitting at the booth acting surly. Bagwell, during the match with Luger, suddenly walked over to Page and they got into a stiff pull-apart. Luger wasn’t clued in so he ran over there like an idiot trying to break it up. They quickly panned away and cut to commercial to make it look more like a shoot. None of the smart fans bought it and none of the casual fans knew what in the hell was going on so what was the point?... Backstage, Russo told Duggan that the people didn’t care if he lived or died. Heavy boos for that... Duggan NC Asya when Parka, Hennig and Creative Control ran in. The Revolution then came out and stuffed hot dogs and pie into Duggan’s outfit. Juvie said he was sad because he liked Duggan, but then started laughing and said it was funny. Juvie missed a perfect opportunity to say “poontang pie”... Dallas Page beat Sting. There was yet another ref bump. Man, that Russo sure knows how to book. Luger hit Sting with a bat and Page gave him a Diamond Cutter for the pin... Hall & Nash & Jarrett d. Benoit & Dustin Rhodes & Sid. When Dustin has to play himself, he is boring beyond words. Jarrett KO’d Sid with a guitar and Nash pinned him. This was OK. In terms of wrestling, this show was atrocious, but Juvie’s commentary actually had me laughing for almost two straight hours, which makes at least this week’s edition a thumbs up.
WCW Saturday Night (December 11 — Taped): This was an exciting show as usual. Wall d. Adrian Byrd, who remains a real person. Jeff Jarrett d. Johnny Attitude, Kid Romeo d. Elix Skipper. Actually, I have not watched WCW Saturday Night in probably years, but these two guys are said to be pretty good. Lash Laroux d. Villano IV, Rick Cornell d. Mike Sanders (no relation to Colonel Sanders), Perry Saturn d. Barry Horowitz, Evan Karagias d. Allan Funk, Steve Regal d. Steve Armstrong, Chris Benoit d. Devon Storm.
WCW Monday Neutron Bomb (December 13 — Live): Benoit and Jarrett got into a fight backstage. For those of you who want to know why Benoit’s offense is the greatest in wrestling, just get a tape of this brawl. If anyone else whipped Jeff Jarrett into a stack of unassuming cardboard boxes, the fans would laugh and boo. When Benoit did it, the fans gasped in astonishment, thinking Jarrett was dead for sure... The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea d. Maestro. Bad match, worse gimmicks. The crowd hated this so much that they booed Maestro even though he was accompanied to the ring by a hot chick. Jarrett came out, killed both guys with guitar shots, and challenged Benoit to a Bunkhouse match later. It’s a good thing Jarrett just happened to make that challenge, since WCW.com had news of a Jarrett vs. Benoit Bunkhouse match on the website the previous Sunday... Tony said Tank Abbott was thrown out of Ultimate Fighting. By the end of the show, Tony said he had just been suspended from UFC. Maybe by the time Thunder rolls around they’ll be calling him a former UFC Champion... Madusa and Spice got into a brawl after Madusa found Evan flirting with her... Bret and Goldberg came out and had a confrontation in mid-ring about who would win at Starrcade. What a great time to book this angle, one week before the PPV. Outsiders came out and challenged them to a Tag Title match. It’s a good thing they did that because the match had been advertised on WCW.com for two days... Spice pinned Madusa after Evan screwed up. Madusa obviously wanted no part of this since she kicked out at about one, but the referee just kept counting. Madusa gave Evan a horrible German suplex afterwards. Unbelievably awful... Gene interviewed Jim Duggan, who cut a patriotic promo to a big pop. This may actually have been the best wrestling promo of his career. Then the lights went out and someone laid out Duggan. For whatever reason, Gene was spared... Russo told Roddy Piper to DO THE RIGHT THING when refereeing Bagwell vs. Hennig. Of course, Roddy fast-counted Hennig so Bagwell got the win... Jarrett d. Benoit in the Bunkhouse match. Dustin Rhodes ran in at one point and the referee just let the match continue. That’s logical. Jarrett got the win after Rhodes bumped Benoit off the ladder... A gift arrived for David Flair. It was a teddy bear with its head cut off... Roddy Piper got jumped by Hennig in Russo’s office... Meng DCOR Tank Abbott in seconds. This was crazy stiff and the fans booed the finish like mad. True to form, Tank blew up early... Kanyon arrived dressed up like a pimp with two women... Piper was arrested... Revolution & Asya d. Midnight & Harlem Heat. Midnight “twisted her ankle” and Stevie got pinned while Booker was tending to her. They’re teasing another split between Harlem Heat. Like we need to see that feud again... Abbott and Meng were shown still brawling backstage... Paul Orndorff arrived and was sent to Russo’s office... A few of the Nitro Girls danced and Rhonda Singh ran in. Revolting... Footage aired of Fit Finley training Knobs... Norman Smiley NC Jerry Flynn in a Block Match when Abbott and Meng ran in. Abbott and Flynn started fighting. It takes enormous amounts of incompetence to screw up a Tank Abbott push this badly... Russo fired Paul Orndorff. His rationalization was that Midnight kept beating up Creative Control and Orndorff trained her, so he was fired. That’s logical. Paul said: “Kiss my ass!” So Russo signed Orndorff vs. Creative Control... Sid cut a promo with a handicapped kid named Seth... Sid beat Steve Williams in a powerbomb vs. suplex match. This was the lightest Williams has ever worked, but on the other hand it was probably the stiffest beating of Sid’s life. He even took four chops, although he blocked the first one with his shoulder. What a pussy that Sid is. Williams went for a backdrop driver and Sid not only no-sold it, but he laughed. If I were Steve I would have dropped him right on his head for that. Outsiders ran in after the match and Nash powerbombed Sid... Sting & DDP beat David Flair & Lex Luger. Sting and Page were partners but they got into a fight. Then Page disappeared. That’s the second week in a row he’s done that. While other wrestlers watch tapes from Japan, Page apparently watches tapes from David Copperfield. Luger hit Sting with a crowbar. Liz then laid over Sting’s body to protect him. Or give him a quickie. David then hit Luger with a crowbar and Liz put Sting on top of Luger for the pin. Weird... Chris “Champagne” Kanyon cut a promo and was attacked by Bigelow. Then they had a match. Kanyon won clean after taking a beating the whole match. This was OK, but there was no heat... Lash Laroux d. Big Vito in a body bag match. This was New Orleans so Laroux was over. Even though this was a body bag match, both guys kept going for covers. That’s logical. Laroux finally tried to put Vito in the body bag but it wouldn’t cooperate. Maybe it was out of batteries. The ref finally just rang the bell to end this. Vito and Johnny the Bull beat up Lash afterwards and put him in the bodybag. They dragged him to the parking lot but couldn’t find their car. They went looking for it, and Lash escaped... Orndorff d. Creative Control. Arn Anderson and Larry Zbyzsko helped, so the Old School Crew is forming. Should make for some compelling matches. Ref Mark Johnson ran out after the match and reversed the decision... Piper d. Hennig—COR in a chair match. I thought Piper was arrested. This was atrocious, but at least it was short... Outsiders d. Bret & Goldberg to win the WCW Tag Titles. Bret got injured in a horribly produced backstage segment and Goldberg went out for the match alone. Near the finish, Bret heroically hobbled out to help. All four guys brawled. Nash hit Bret with the belt, which was supposed to lead to the finish, but it was the worst belt shot in history so Bret decided not to sell it. Nash got this confused look on his face and they had to drag the match out another awkward minute before Nash finally hit him again. Nash, who was not the legal man, then pinned Bret, who was also not the legal man, just as Goldberg hit Hall with the Jackhammer. Fans showed their appreciation for this clever booking by pelting the ring with garbage. Overall, better than last week, but still pretty bad.
ECW News and Notes
• ECW’s Guilty As Charged PPV will air January 9th, 2000 from the Boutwell Auditorium in Birmingham, AL. Line-up thus far is: Raven & Dreamer vs. Impact Players for Tag Titles, Mike Awesome vs. Spike Dudley for the ECW Title (really), Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu for the TV Title, Yoshihiro Tajiri & Jerry Lynn vs. Super Crazy & Little Guido, Sandman vs. Rhino, Angel vs. New Jack.
• Lodi was backstage at the Richmond, VA TNN Tapings, but hasn’t made any sort of deal with Paul Heyman. Tommy Rich was also brought in for an angle with Tommy Dreamer, but fans were said to be disappointed since Rich didn’t lose several pints of blood at any point during the show.
• The idea to use Magnum TA in an angle has apparently been dropped.
ECW On Tour
Richmond, VA (December 10 — TNN Tapings): Nova & Kid Cash d. Danny Doring & Roadkill & Dupp Brothers, Jerry Lynn d. Little Guido, Mikey Whipwreck d. CW Anderson, Ikuto Hidaka NC Tom Marquez & Super Calo in a three-way when Sabu ran in, Simon Diamond d. Jazz, New Jack d. Tony DeVito, Mike Awesome d. Vic Grimes (reports that this was PN News were inaccurate). Spike Dudley ran out after this match and left Awesome laying with an Acid Drop. Really. Tommy Dreamer & Raven d. Jack Victory & Steve Corino, Justin Credible & Lance Storm d. Rhino & Chris Candido, Rob Van Dam d. Spike Dudley.
Salem, VA (December 11): Jerry Lynn d. Simon Diamond, Kid Cash & Nova & Jazz d. Dupp Brothers, Ikuto Hidaka d. Super Calo & Tom Marquez in a three-way, Mike Awesome d. CW Anderson, Raven & Tommy Dreamer d. Baldies, New Jack d. Vic Grimes, Spike Dudley d. Little Guido. Sandman came out and called a woman into the ring. He said he’d give her a free T-shirt if she showed her breasts. She did so, and he poured beer all over them. That’s family fun! Hey, all you cute girls reading this, I’ve got a few T-shirts I don’t need anymore. Also, some beer. Sabu d. Mikey Whipwreck, Justin Credible & Lance Storm d. Danny Doring & Roadkill, Rob Van Dam d. Rhino.
ECW On Television
ECW on TNN (December 10 — Taped): Clips aired of Rob Van Dam dedicating a TV Title match to Sabu. Van Dam called him “homicidal, suicidal and fragile”. Now THAT was a funny line... Backstage, Francine called for help. Raven was sitting there banging his head against a wall. Tommy ran in and told Raven to calm down and that they were proud of him for at least trying to do the right thing lately... Opening montage aired. OK, I’m sick of montage jokes... Gertner and Styles opened up the show... They showed clips of Corino at the Limp Bizkit concert... Corino came down to the ring and started running down Dusty Rhodes. The Bull of the Woods was shown in the crowd. “DUSTY!” the yahoos chanted. Dusty got into the ring and Corino slapped him. Dusty proceeded to jive and shimmy like only a 54-year-old 300 pound man can. He destroyed Corino and Victory with elbow smashes and then, after spending another 45 minutes moving his body in ways that only young nubile women should, he dropped a FATASS elbow on Corino. As disturbing as it is to say this, I actually enjoyed this segment. What in the hell is wrong with me?... Spike killed Uganda in seconds with a fast count... Mike Awesome d. Too Cold, who raided Shawn Michaels’ wardrobe before this match. Awesome won with a scary superbomb through a table. This was OK... Credible d. Sandman when Storm helped. Dreamer and Francine came out so we could have a catfigh... In the back, Dreamer sarcastically thanked Raven for his help and then stormed off. Francine, on the way out, noted to Raven that it was OK, because she understood. That was the end of the show.
Etcetera
• The Unreal Story of Pro Wrestling, which, despite being very well-produced, was one of the most historically inaccurate pieces of journalism ever seen on A&E;, is coming out on DVD next year. The good news is that — this is true — it will come with a special interactive wrestling trivia game. Imagine the questions. Question: How tall was Andre the Giant? Well, in real-life he was probably 6’10” or so. Answer: 7’4”. Question: Who was the WWF Champion going into WrestleMania III? Well, in real-life it was Hulk Hogan. Answer: Andre the Giant. Question: When was pro-wrestling dead in the United States? Well, in real-life it’s never really been dead. Answer: Pro-wrestling was dead from the 1950’s through 1984, when Vince McMahon re-invented the sport. Question: Was there ever wrestling in Japan. Well, in real-life, duh. Answer: No. Vince McMahon owned the only wrestling organization in the whole world. Then the evil billionaire Ted Turner decided he wanted to start his own little rasslin’ organization in the mid-80s and decided to steal Vince’s top talent, like Lex Luger and Ric Flair. Also, Scott Hall. But Vince, who was born and raised in a trailer park when he wasn’t busy going to an elite private school, hung on and fought the evil billionaire Ted until such a time came when Vince put his $750 million company seen by over a billion viewers worldwide on the stock market and became an evil billionaire himself.
• Court TV will be doing a show on kids who kill other kids with wrestling moves. They will be interviewing various people in the industry including Chris Cruise beginning in January.
• Make sure you check out the “Off the Top Rope” radio show if you live in the Chicago area, hosted by our good buddy Brian Schenk. It currently airs from 7:00 to 8:30 AM on WEEF AM 1430 every Saturday morning. Brian is also selling tapes of his show, and you can receive a sample copy for $2 to PO Box 6082, Lindenhurst, IL 60046. For more information, you can e.mail Brian at his new e.mail address: offthetoprope@mailcity.com.
*****
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