| 2/4/2001 5:29:00 PM WOW Preview -- Figure Four Weekly Heroes of Wrestling PPV Report
by Bryan Alvarez Thanks for clicking on this special feature. If you enjoy this article and decide you’d like to become a regular subscriber, information on how to do so is located at the end of this issue.
Heroes of Wrestling PPV Review
From Figure Four Weekly #225 -- October 18, 1999
The absolute, hands-down worst pay-per-view of all time aired on October 10th, 1999.
The Heroes of Wrestling pay-per-view from Bay St. Louis, Mississippi will probably become a cult classic. I took sparse notes on this show since I figured it would be horrible and didn’t actually think I’d do a write-up for the newsletter. Little did I know.
The show opened with a pyro explosion so pathetic that I was sure it was a joke. I thought there were two guys standing off-stage shooting Roman candles into the air. Dutch Mantell and Randy Rosenbloom introduced the pay-per-view. Gordon Solie was billed as appearing at the show, but he ended up being hospitalized on October 11th after a growth was discovered on his vocal cords that was so large it actually displaced his heart and lungs, making breathing difficult and speaking almost impossible. He was hospitalized earlier this week, and our best wishes go out to him.
Rosenbloom said 2,000 people had packed the building (it seats well over 3,000). Later in the show, he would call it a sold-out crowd. Randy Rosenbloom proved to be, by far, the absolute worst announcer in the history of pro-wrestling.
In a sign of things to come, they said hurricanes had ravaged the East Coast, but nothing would compare to what would happen at the Heroes of Wrestling PPV. In other words, they compared this show to a natural disaster.
Crisper Stanford was the ring announcer for the evening. Yes, his first name really was “Crisper”.
1. Samoan Swat Team beat Marty Jannetty & Tommy Rogers. Lou Albano came out to help call this match. The manager for the Samoans, who was some mook I had never seen before, talked for what appeared to be a full hour. It was the worst heel promo of the year. Jannetty and Tommy Rogers were in pretty good shape for guys pushing 40. Jannetty went all out for this PPV by showing up in jean shorts. Here’s a trivia note for you: Sam Fatu is the current Portland Wrestling Heavyweight Champion. This was not mentioned on commentary. Speaking of commentary, Marty threw a dropkick and Rosenbloom called it a “flying leg kick”. Marty threw another one and Rosenbloom identified it as a “flying leg drop”. Albano finally had to cut in and say: “That was just a dropkick”. Man, when Lou Albano has to correct you, you really suck. The Samoans won after hitting Rogers with a TKO, which Rosenbloom called a “face smasher”. Pretty bad, but not horrible. *
Greg Valentine cut a promo and said George Steele was going to “lay down and die” during their match. Steele was not the only guy I feared would lay down and die during this show.
2. Greg Valentine beat George Steele. Sherri Martel came out with George but ended up turning on him during the match. George is over 60 and could do almost literally nothing. Valentine won after Sherri hit George with the weakest chairshot of the month. This was atrocious. George ate a turnbuckle afterwards.
-**
3. Too Cold Scorpio beat Julio Fantastico. Fantastico was Julio Sanchez in disguise. His disguise consisted of a pair of trunks with “Fantastico” airbrushed on them. Scorpio came out with a WCW replica belt that you can buy in the magazine for $150. I swear that’s true and don’t even ask me why. Lou Albano helped with commentary again. Scorpio won with a tumbleweed that missed. Of course, they showed a replay of this move in slow motion. Albano said he’d never ever seen production like this before. He was right. They announced that Albano had been named Commissioner of the Heroes of Wrestling. They never told us what duties he would perform or why he was chosen, but I’d assume it was because he knew the difference between a dropkick and a flying leg drop. *3/4
The rotund King Kong Bundy cut a promo and called Yokozuna “Porkozuna”.
4. Bushwhackers beat Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. This was the absolute worst professional wrestling match I have ever seen in my whole entire life. I can remember two matches off the top of my head that at one point I thought were the worst ever. The first was the epic Hulk Hogan vs. Warrior match at Halloween Havoc (that match also included the legendary “Log Roll spot”, which to this day still ranks as the single worst spot I’ve ever seen two people perform). The second was a Cascade Championship Wrestling main event featuring Lewis Rach, Dave Dobashi — who, ironically, also had a “Sheik” gimmick — and “Coach” Mike Jones, that was so bad that the legendary “Playboy” Buddy Rose, who was sitting ringside, actually had to stand up out of his seat, grab the house mic and scream: “Hey, you guys need to calm down and relax before somebody gets killed!” Neither of those two matches could even compare to this. Sheik and Volkoff came to the ring accompanied by this tall, skinny guy. This skinny guy was carrying these two thin objects which looked like the little barriers that guide you through the line at a fast-food restaurant. Nikolai — who was wearing his old USSR jacket despite the fact that the USSR, currently, does not exist — sang his song before the match. I would tell you what song he sang, but I’m afraid he may have been speaking a language that also doesn’t exist anymore. Their manager then said that Sheik, whose hips and knees were so ravaged that he looked like he could hardly walk, was going to perform a feat of strength with the two fast-food restaurant barriers. Sheik then proceeded to swing the objects — which could not have weighed more than five or ten pounds apiece — in an erratic fashion above his head, all the while exhibiting a facial expression of extreme accomplishment and gratification. For the first time in my young life, I actually laughed so long and so hard that I swear I was crying on my pad. Then the match started. None of these four guys could do anything, with the exception of Sheik, who at one point assumed a bodily position that Rosenbloom described as “a classic mid-European pose”. Then, in the greatest spot in the history of professional wrestling, Volkoff attempted a backbreaker, but he couldn’t get that damned Bushwhacker up high enough, so he ended up just lowering him rather nonchalantly to the mat. Rosenbloom, in the defining moment of his career, called the move a “soft slam”. I laughed so hard at that point that not only was I crying, but my chest actually tightened up and I legit thought I might be having a heart attack. I swear to God this is all true. The Bushwhackers won after Volkoff accidentally hit Sheik with an object. This set the standard by which all other horrible matches will forever be judged. For historical purposes, I will give this match -*****, because that is as low as you can possibly go, but in my heart I know that this match was negative more stars than there are stars in the entire universe, and the universe is infinite.
Tully Blanchard cut the best promo of the evening, which isn’t saying much.
5. Tully Blanchard d. Stan Lane. Lane introduced himself since he’s an ESPN announcer now. Blanchard was in very good shape, probably even better than when he was an actual active wrestler. They kept cutting to these crowd shots of women, who weren’t particularly attractive, staring off into space in a boredom-induced stupor. Rosenbloom said they were captivated by “Sweet” Stan Lane. Blanchard won after Lane hit him with a back suplex and the referee ruled that Lane’s shoulders were down for three. Horrible finish and even the announcers didn’t know what in the hell was going on. This was really bad. DUD
6. Abdullah the Butcher NC One Man Gang. Gang looked shockingly old, and he’s not even 40. They both gigged and bled like mofos. They finally brawled to the back and the match ended. For whatever reason, the fans loved this match and even cheered the finish. They just wanted to see blood, I guess, because the match itself was horrible. -*
I think Rosenbloom said Snuka and Orton had been feuding since 1884, but if you think I’m getting the replay to make sure you’re crazy.
7. Jimmy Snuka beat Bob Orton. Snuka looked SO old. “Let’s face it,” Mantell said at one point, “both of these guys are older!” Snuka won with a crossbody off the top. Horrific. -**
8. Jim Neidhart & King Kong Bundy beat Yokozuna & Jake Roberts. This was supposed to be Roberts vs. Neidhart and Bundy vs. Yokozuna, but they turned it into a tag-match halfway through the Roberts vs. Neidhart bout. Jake looked absolutely horrendous and was long gone. Yokozuna, despite being billed as the main event on the show, was in the ring a total of 30 seconds and never even locked up with Bundy. Jake got the hot tag near the finish, but was quickly pinned by Bundy, even though neither guy was the legal man. Whatever. At least it was over. -***
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