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[Doi Dien] Chau's Diary
Chau's Diary: First Entry
Andrew Tran
If Chau could write when he was born, he would record everything
that happened to him during his life. Well almost everything.
Why would he want to write what happened that day, or that week?
Perhaps for the record? Perhaps, so that he can go through the
diary and learn from it? Or just plainly for the sake of writing?
He doesn't know. But he knows that he likes to "talk" to his Diary.
He likes to share his most inner feelings with it. And he likes
to go through his Diary to recount the memories just like one would
when looking at old photographs.
Chau started his Diary during the summer of 1976, when he was eight,
living with his twin brother and his parents in a small town called
Bac Lieu. Their neighbor was also a small family. Khoa, a nineteen
year old boy was living next door with his aunt and his grandmother.
Both of Khoa's parents had been killed in the war. His grandmother
used to buy and sell seafood at the open market. His aunt was a school
teacher. She was in her early twenties and was single. Khoa spent much
of his time playing with his friends under the tropical sun. His body
was tanned all over. He had deep black eyes, and long jet-black hair.
Chau and Khoa families were very good neighbors. Occasionally, Chau's
parents would bring food to their neighbor to cook, and they would have
dinner together at the neighbor's house. Likewise, Khoa's grandmother
and his aunt sometimes would spend an afternoon at Chau's place.
Chau does not know why he decided to write. He did not really mean to
start a diary. Perhaps, what had happened during that summer seemed
extraordinary, even to an eight year old boy. Perhaps that was the
reason why he decided to write.
Chau's very first entry of his Diary ...
July 24, 1976
Will you be my Diary? Will you promise to keep secrets between us?
Ok. I will trust you. But if you even think of whispering what I am
going to tell you, I would burn you to ashes. Do you promise? I think
I heard you said yes. So now I will share with you what happened to me
today.
It's about seven o' clock Saturday evening. We had dinner. Mom and Dad
are doing their usual chores. I'm pretending that I'm studying. So be
quiet.
My twin brother has a chronic problem with his nose. Occasionally, his
nose bleeds for no apparent reason. My parents decided to take him to a
Chinese medicine man in Saigon. Khoa told my Mom and Dad that he would
look after me while they were away. Mom and Dad were very grateful that
Khoa had made the offer. They checked with his aunt and grandma to get
their permission. His aunt was pleased that he would help looking after
me instead of playing in the dirt with his friends. Today is Saturday.
I don't know where Khoa's aunt was. His grandma, as usual, was already
at the market before sunrise. Mom locked the house and took me next
door. We were greeted by Khoa. Dad told me that they would be back in
the early evening and that I would stay with Khoa until they were back
home. Then they left.
Khoa and I played hide and seek in his house. We had sugarcane. They
were very sweet. My mouth is still tingling from eating them. Khoa
showed me how to fold papers to make different shapes of animal. That
was fun. I liked that. For lunch, we had cold rice with fresh coconuts
and left over fried shrimp. They always keep fresh coconut in their
house. The juice was sweet and tasted delicious with salted fried
shrimps.
After lunch, Khoa asked me if I want to go down into the bunker to take
a nap. When the war was going on, the bunker was used to hide from
random bullets and artillery. It's buried under the house. Just like
the one we have under our house. It sounded fun and I always take a nap
after lunch. So I agreed.
He led me down into it through a small opening at a corner of the walls.
Khoa reached in and switched on a light. The soft light flooded the
inside of the bunker. It's not large but comfortable enough for about
five people. There are still jugs of water there. A few blankets and
bamboo mats. The war is over, but I don't know why they still keep
those things there. Just in case? Who knows? We have since used our
bunker for storage.
It was cold and humid outside, but the air down there felt cool and
silky against my skin. Khoa laid a bamboo mat down. The others, he
rolled them and made into a long pillow. I lay next to him and was fast
falling asleep. I don't know how much time had passed. I think I slept
maybe a half hour. Suddenly, I felt softness and warmth. A wonderful
feeling. Similar to how you would feel when you are all wrapped up in a
warm blanket when it's cold and wet outside. I then realized that Khoa
was lying next to me and was holding me. Our clothes were in a pile
next to us. We both were naked. I was snuggled up against him, against
his body heat. Just like when my twin brother and I holding each other
when we are asleep.
"Are you ok?" Khoa asked.
I nodded sleepily. Khoa shifted, and I felt his soft warm hand move
across my shoulder against my skin. My eyes were closed and I was
drifting off again when heard his murmur over my ear, "Do you know how
people make babies?"
"No," I replied. My eyes were still closed in sleep.
"Do you want to play making babies?" Khoa asked.
I turned and looked at him dully. His deep black eyes were staring at
me with a mocking expression. His long black hair was falling down over
his eyebrows.
"Let's play making babies," Khoa continued.
He then proceeded to turn me over so that I was laying on my stomach
against the bamboo mat. He pulled my arms so that they were outstretched
to my sides. Then I felt his bronzed cool skin and body descending on
my back.
Khoa whispered, "Don't be afraid, we are just playing making babies."
With his head just above mine, ho commanded me to turn my head up so
that my cheek was directly under his breath. He leaned over and gave
me a kiss on the corner of my mouth. He then moved off my back and was
lying on his stomach. He told me to lie on him with my stomach against
his back. Remembering how he had lain on me, I put myself on top of
him. My head was under his ear.
He turned his head and said, "Kiss my face."
Reluctantly, I leaned up and dabbed a kiss onto his tanned cheek.
"This is how babies are made?" I asked, looking at him with a wondering
expression.
He nodded.
Gently, he took my hands and motioned for me to move off his back. I
sat up. He pulled himself up and looked at me for a moment. Then he
leaned over and kissed my face again. I sat there thinking, this is not
as fun as folding papers to make animals. Khoa then turned me around so
that both of us were sitting on the bamboo mat. My back leaned against
his heaving chest. He whsipered something then wrapped his arms around
me and held me tightly. A short moment later, he told me to lie on my
stomach again. I did so and I felt his body followed on top of me.
Then I saw his calmness broken. Before I could quite take in what he
was doing, a pain surged through my body. I couldn't bear it. He shook
his head and whispered something. Then suddenly he collapsed on my
back. He was breathing heavily on my neck. His skin was moist and
damp. I tried to say something. No word came. I was shaking violently.
During the course of the next few minutes, we just laid there in the
bunker under his house. Khoa was on top of me and holding me.
"That's how they make babies," Khoa whispered in a low voice into my
ear. Still feeling as if I had been knocked on the head, I turned and
gazed at him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I felt.
There was a long silence. I realized suddenly that I had the urge to
use the bathroom. He pulled me up. I leaned my shaking body against
his naked bony frame. He led me by my shoulders and walked me out of
the bunker to the bathroom.
After I had released myself, I moved over and stood on the bamboo
platform while Khoa retrieved a large can from the water jar. He
filled it with the cool water from the jar and poured down my head.
I shuddered. Khoa proceeded to wash my hair. I stood there as he
washed me all over. As I dried myself, Khoa went back to the bunker.
When he returned, he was dressed and had my clothes with him.
As he was pulling my shorts up my skinny legs, without looking at me,
he said in a low voice, "Can you promise me something?"
I looked at him.
He paused as if he was forcing himself to speak calmly. He looked at me
with those dark eyes, then said, "Please don't tell your parents about
our making babies game."
I nodded.
I felt thirsty and hungry. Remembering the sweet coconut juice at
lunch, I asked if I could have another coconut. A smile crept over his
face. He skillfully chopped a fresh coconut and handed it to me. Then
he sat and stared at me while I devoured the delicious cool sweet juice.
I couldn't understand the polite, gentle composure of his manner. I
looked at him and he turned away.
I don't know how long it was that he sat there while I was finishing the
coconut. He suddenly muttered an apology. I was confused. Why did he
apologize? I couldn't understand. I still don't understand. Khoa
stood up and walked towards the windows.
Looking out the windows, he said brokenly as he shook his head, "I don't
know. I thought --" he stopped, with a helpless gesture.
I don't know what I felt. I don't know what, or how I should feel.
What does he think of himself? I didn't know what I should say. He
has been nice to me and I couldn't bear to see him sad. I felt guilty.
I stood up and walked towards him. My knees were still shaking a
little. I let my arms wrapped around his waist, my head against his
chest. He held my head with his hands and he kissed my hair.
Outside, the breeze was gently shaking the flowers and the topmost
branches of the trees. I heard Khoa whispered, "Do you want to play
again?"
"Yes," I said. "But not making babies."
He laughed. Then I laughed.
That was how I spent the day with Khoa. Mom and Dad later returned.
They thanked Khoa for looking after me and gave him some fresh boiled
corns that they had bought on the trip. I said goodbye to Khoa and
returned home with my parents.
I had told Mom and Dad how I spent the day at our neighbors's. But
because I had promised Khoa, I didn't mention our making babies play.
Do you think I should? Mom and Dad told me that I should be honest.
I feel bad. But if I tell them, then I will break my promise with Khoa.
That's bad too. What should I do? Ah, I think it's better to break one
promise rather than two. Don't you think?
It's late. Mom is calling. I will write again tomorrow. Remember, you
must swear to keep secrets between us.
Good night my Diary.
That was Chau's first entry in his Diary.
After Chau and his family joined others on a boat headed out towards the
sea for true freedom, Chau does not know what has become of his nextdoor
neighbor. Many times, Chau tried to ask about Khoa. But no words of
him.
Today, every time he opens his Diary, Chau reads his first entry.
The memory of that summer, as vivid as yesterday, is still echoing
tenaciously in his mind. Chau wonders about what happened that summer.
He is still trying to think how he had felt that afternoon. How he
should have felt. He is still asking himself if that summer afternoon,
Khoa had felt what he is feeling now.
[Doi Dien #2 (Spring - Summer 1994), pp. 62-64.]
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