Aftermath - Chapter 7

Helen quickly took care of her own needs in the adjacent bedroom. She felt elated at having received that blatantly obvious appreciative stare from Nikki earlier on. She intensely hoped that things would change in their relationship from this moment onwards. Waiting and hoping for Nikki to come around and be more open emotionally and physically towards her had been difficult and the longer it took, the more upsetting it had been. Helen had never expected things to be easy after Nikki’s release but it had turned out to be a lot more complex than she’d thought and much more time consuming. It was now nearly half a year since the day Helen had driven Nikki home and it had been one step forward, two steps back ever since. At one point just before Nikki had started talking to her she had thought she was going mad. Nikki kept her at arm’s length constantly and no matter what she did she couldn’t get any closer to her. Nikki had been distant, even hostile at times and Helen, consumed with love and compassion had felt all of her life becoming overshadowed by the frustration she felt over her longing for Nikki. She neglected her work, her friends and even her son in her eagerness to please Nikki and help her through the big change that had occurred in her life but all to no avail. The roles were reversed and Helen was the one unable to eat and sleep. She thought about Nikki every waking hour and dreamt about her every night. Nikki hardly uttered two words together and spent all her time either with Nick or reading or cooking. The fact that Nikki didn’t dare go out or do anything much on her own had added to Helen’s problems and eventually she had broken down in tears while discussing the situation with Karen and Karen had reassured her that things would change, Nikki would come around but she needed time, give her the time she wants and you’ll both be fine.

Helen had tried with all her willpower to follow Karen’s advice and now she was reaping her reward. She was filled with happiness over this progress and couldn’t help but smile to herself again, remembering the look on Nikki’s face as she turned to run into the shower to save herself from having to face the emotions she clearly had for Helen. Since the first night Nikki started talking Helen had felt this newfound peace, it had given her the indication that things were finally going the right direction and that was all the encouragement she needed to be able to hang on to her hope.

As she carefully tried to retrieve the two poached eggs from the saucepan Nikki entered the kitchen and Helen swung around with a smile.

“Sit down there skinny and I’ll feed you”.

Nikki pretended to frown at Helen’s comment as she sat down but she was too happy even to be able to play games. Helen thought to herself how Nikki had actually changed since her release. She was still very slim but she’d put on at least a stone and she had her colour back now – her skin was brown and velvety smooth again, especially after their vacation, and she had lots of new clothes and belongings that seemed to be of great importance to her. That was understandable of course after fifteen years with only a few books and old jumpers, as Trisha had had to dispose of the rest of Nikki’s belongings when she moved to the states. Nikki wasn’t allowed to keep personal possessions in prison other than what she’d arrived in the day she came to Larkhall so she had lost everything. Helen felt warmed as she thought about how Nikki’s life had changed since those days. No matter what had happened, what Nikki had been through, she had managed to regain her dignity and her will to live and she was a complete person now, not just a prisoner like she’d in fact been to Helen thirteen years ago or even just a soulless body used for abuse as she’d been to Fenner. The smile that met Helen as she sunk down opposite her told her just how different the person who owned that grin actually was to the broken woman without hope that she’d met nearly a year ago in the visiting room at Larkhall.

Nikki returned to London after the holiday with Helen feeling totally refreshed and completely different to the Nikki that had left two weeks earlier. She had started driving again during their vacation and now she even tried it in London without problems. They had a second go at meeting other people, Helen’s friends and even her ex, and things went really well so they had a third try, and a fourth, and eventually Helen felt assured that Nikki had overcome most of her social fears both regarding seeing people and getting out of the house on her own. Life settled around them and some kind of normality prevailed, finally, in the Stewart-Wade household.

“Do you think I could do it, really?” Nikki asked Helen incredulously one evening after dinner when Helen had, yet again, suggested that she should write a biography.

“For the thousandth time Nikki; yes, I think you can do it and I think you should. You have so much to tell and your case was very high profile. People would be interested and you’re a good writer. Why don’t you give it a try?”

Nikki had been helping out, although very half-heartedly, in Helen’s small firm lately to get her out of the house but it was so obvious to Helen that she didn’t enjoy it. Helen herself took an interest and loved her work because it was her own, she had started it and she felt a great sense of achievement and responsibility for the company. She didn’t care anymore that it wasn’t a life-saving operation – she had done her bit of trying to change the world while working in prison and it had been overpowering for her, she cared too much, so it was a relief to be able to leave work behind when you left at six o’clock. She contented herself with the knowledge that at least recruitment meant that for many of the people she successfully found jobs for, she brought happiness and a much-needed change in life.

“You don’t want to work with me Nikki. Do you know anything you’d like to do?”

“Well, I’m too old to run a club and I never, ever want to work in a garden again except here, for fun. I have the English degree but that’s a bit old-fashioned now I guess so I don’t know what I could do really. I don’t mind working with you though, honestly.”

“Nikki, you’re a lazy shit when you’re with me and you know it. You should do something of your own, something different and I think writing your biography would be perfect.”

“I don’t know if I want to go through all that again now though. Can you understand that?”

“I can and I can’t Nikki to be honest. I understand your hesitation but at the same time, opening up to me was the lifeline that saved you really so I can’t help but wonder whether writing it all down in black and white for the world to see wouldn’t be the ultimate therapy for you”.

“Don’t know about that. It would be to expose yourself completely and as you know it’s not really my greatest talent to talk about myself.”

Helen sat down beside Nikki and took her hands into her own and studied her closely.

“Look, I don’t really think this is about you - at least not only about you. If you choose to write it, it will be a statement to this country about what goes on in our public institutions. It would be a starting point for discussion I’m sure, a torch, regarding the conditions in prisons as well as abuse of women and so on. I really think that you could do some good here Nikki and you could influence public opinion in many ways and you know what a powerful weapon that can be in cases such as these. Ever since the day you killed that man Nikki you’ve been victimised again and again by the system – for being a woman, for being a lesbian, and more than anything, for standing up for yourself and others. You should take this chance”.

One rainy day in August Nikki sat down in front of the new computer Helen had bought her and stared at a blank page in Word for hours. She had learnt a good bit about computers in prison, which came in handy, but her mind was blank and not even with the continuous technical evolution had they come as far as to get pages to write themselves. It took her a few days to get started but once she’d written the introduction chapter and got stuck into the story properly, she became completely engrossed in the writing and Helen had to drag her away from the computer at regular intervals to get her to eat and sleep and eventually just to get to see her at all. Helen proofread everything she wrote and they sent the finished chapters off to Paul, Nick’s father, who worked as an editor for the Times and he returned them with comments and changes to be implemented. Things were progressing fast and Helen was secretly extremely proud of Nikki but she kept quiet about her hopes and expectations for the book.

Nikki wrote and wrote and soon she started on chapters that Helen knew would upset her. They slept together these days in Helen’s big double bed but still nothing had happened between them. Helen calculated that they must have spent nearly a hundred nights sleeping entwined in each others arms since their holiday with Helen’s frustrations building constantly but her common sense strongly advising her not to be the one to try and instigate any further steps. She was crestfallen when Nikki announced that she was moving back into her own bedroom again as her authoring had “unsettled her” as she expressed it. Helen cried, regretted urging her to write, and wracked her brains for what to do to make her change her mind but eventually had to resign herself to the fact that only Nikki could know when she was ready for them to consummate their relationship the way Helen wanted.

Things were a little strained and tense in the house for a while but after a few weeks it settled down and another few weeks later Nikki quietly asked Helen whether she could move back. Helen’s first reaction was to get angry with Nikki for having the audacity to ask just when it suited her – had she no respect for Helen’s feelings? – but she swallowed her pride and happily welcomed Nikki back into her arms that night. By the end of November Nikki had a first draft of the whole book ready and when Paul returned it, happy with the result, Nikki and Helen sent it off to a number of rather small and independent publishers. They awaited the response with great anticipation, especially Helen who was convinced it would be snapped up in a second, while Nikki was more insecure and worried about being refused. When Helen arrived home from work one evening only about a week later and met an extremely red-cheeked and excited Nikki in the hall she knew they must have had an answer. Nikki was literally jumping up and down and generally behaving like a child as Helen tried to calm her down and put her on the sofa and get her to share the news. They had had two responses that day, both positive, and Nikki had been offered contracts for the book to be published. Helen gratefully listened to Nikki regaling the story as she assured her that she hadn’t accepted either of them yet but had just discussed the possibilities with the two different firms. Helen had been scared that she would have got so happy and surprised that she had agreed to anything. When it was clear to Helen that the publishers were fighting against each other to sign Nikki up she suggested that perhaps they should try sending it to a few of the big players before they committed to anything but Nikki disagreed.

“No Helen, I think we should stick with the ones we’ve approached so far. We shouldn’t become bigheaded before this has even begun and I want to give them the chance. We should support the underdog here. These publishers are genuinely interested in my story and the political implications of its contents and if it is a success I would prefer if somebody who actually cares about it gets to share that.”

“But if we get accepted by a large publisher the book has a better chance of becoming a success Nikki. They will have the money and the resources needed to launch it and back it up.”

“I don’t care frankly”. Nikki said with an aloof stare out the window. Helen laughed; “Quite the little rebel aren’t we?”

That disarmed Nikki and made her smile. “Sorry, I just think that we’ll be better off sticking with these people now that they’ve showed a real interest and actually are prepared to give a newcomer like me a chance – a con at that.”

“You’re not a con anymore Nikki, don’t forget that. Well, that’s it settled then. No surprise that you want to back up the little people, I should have known that already”.

Nikki nodded contentedly. “Yup, let’s negotiate!”

Helen beamed with pride as Nikki confidently and elegantly strode up to their table on long legs in a tight black dress, which Helen had bought her as a Christmas present. It was the anniversary of Nikki’s release – the 29th of December – and they were out for a double celebration. Earlier on that day Nikki had signed her contract for the book and she carried the valuable piece of paper in a brown envelope in her bag, even now, because she couldn’t bear not looking at it for more than ten minutes at a time. Helen had booked a fabulous restaurant and now they sat there together, eyes locking over the table and legs discreetly connecting below. They had received good luck wishes and congratulation cards from Karen, Paul and all their other friends but this evening they wanted to spend together, alone. They sipped champagne, enjoyed the wine and polished it off with a really good Calvados and Nikki’s eyes were clouded as she spoke; “Helen, I think I need water or something. I’m ever so slightly inebriated. Actually, I’m not even tipsy, I’m decidedly drunk”. A lopsided smile was delivered with that line and Helen tilted her head seductively and reached out and grabbed Nikki’s hand. “Let’s go home then darling. I’ll put you on the couch while I make coffee and then we can have dessert at home”.

It struck Nikki that the obvious double meaning in that last statement should really make her a little edgy but instead it filled her with warmth and a longing that she relished. She studied Helen intently. “So I don’t get dessert here then?”

“Nope, you’ve had your beloved cheese, the rest I can take care of”.

Again Nikki pondered Helen’s choice of words but decided not to delve too deeply into their hidden or secretly intended meaning.

Nikki lay back on the sofa and closed her eyes. The room was spinning around her head but it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, she felt quite happy to be drunk. She opened her eyes as she heard Helen, her accent always stronger when she was angry or had been drinking, entering the room.

“Don’t you dare go to sleep on the couch Nikki Wade on a night like this”.

Nikki dragged herself into an upright position.

“Ok, I obey orders me” she said with a fake grimace.

“Don’t even tempt me”. Helen sat down beside Nikki on the sofa and gave her a glass of Coke.

“Trying to feed me caffeine to keep me awake?”

“Something like that”, Helen said moving closer to Nikki and letting her arm fall casually behind her, touching the small of her back and resting on her hip.

Nikki took a long swig of her Coke and then turned to look at Helen, a little unnerved by her action but not entirely surprised. She had been thinking about trying to take things further between them for months and months but she’d always used her fear as an excuse not to take that first, all-important step. At the same time she knew that things were different now, she was happy – she had no nightmares, the memories no longer haunted her and she allowed herself to feel things again and it didn’t hurt her. She had no problems doing it to herself, which she did regularly because sleeping with Helen was a strong aphrodisiac in itself, and it didn’t scare her to share her bed every night. Was it time to face those fears perhaps? The alcohol still had a grasp of her mind and it made her body a little more eager to explore. Slowly she turned towards Helen and the moment was magical. Helen’s face, turned up towards her, her eyes glistening in the dark of the room, her skin smooth and her mouth slightly open, ready and searching for Nikki’s. Nikki could see her tongue resting against her teeth, she wanted to get in there, taste Helen and be joined with her. There was no question of whether the feeling was mutual, the desire Nikki saw in Helen was unmistakable, she wanted Nikki completely and it helped Nikki over the edge that she was still teetering on.

Helen closed the small gap between them and Nikki felt her hands sliding up into her hair from her neck and upward and she shivered at the sensation it caused that ran down her spine. Helen grabbed her hair, then held her face between her hands and closed her lips over Nikki’s. They both had their eyes closed. Nikki moved her lips softly against Helen’s, then she felt the tip of Helen’s tongue probing, asking Nikki to let her in and let her play freely with her. As she opened her mouth to accept the invitation she let out a small involuntary groan as she lost herself in the overwhelming emotion of the kiss. Neither of them could say how long it went on for but at some point Helen got up, her mouth still firmly connected to Nikki’s, and grabbed her around the waist to pull her up with her. With effort she withdrew and breathed heavily into Nikki’s ear; “please come, let’s go to bed”.

Nikki let herself be led up the stairs and into their bedroom. They continued kissing, pressing their bodies together and running their hands all over each other.

“Undress me Nikki” Helen begged in a voice that revealed all the frustration and longing she’d felt over the last year.

Tentatively Nikki unzipped Helen’s dress from neck to waist and pulled it off her to unveil a cream lace bra, then a matching pair of briefs and coffee-coloured stockings. She stared at the utter beauty of Helen’s body and was suddenly struck by the realisation that she was going to have to show her own naked body to Helen, unless…

She turned away from Helen quickly.

“Do you mind if I get in first?” she said simply, not looking at Helen. Then she felt naked arms encircling her waist, followed by a nearly naked body, which tenderly leant against her from behind.

“Yes, I do mind.” Helen’s hands caressed her arms, then followed the contours of her breasts, down to her waist and further over her hips.

“Don’t be frightened Nikki. I’ve already seen you and you can’t become any more beautiful to me.”

“You haven’t seen me”, Nikki said and Helen heard from the urgency of her voice that she was scared that Helen had secretly been watching her.

“No, Nikki, I haven’t seen you now but you’ve told me, you’ve showed me through your words and I love you. You have nothing to be frightened about”.

Decisively she reached in under Nikki’s arm to reach for the discreet zipper that held the skin-tight dress together. Nikki’s hand followed hers and closed hard on top of it.

Helen looked up at her. “Nikki please, I promise you, I won’t hurt you. Let me undress you”.

While Nikki’s hand rested on the zipper Helen bent her knees slightly and let her hands travel up Nikki’s legs under the dress. Skilfully she caught the top of Nikki’s tights and started pulling them down. Nikki stood still, frozen to the spot. Lovingly she took them all the way down her long legs, then lifted one foot at a time and pulled off the shoes and the tights.

Helen stood up again and reached straight past Nikki’s hand for the zipper and swiftly pulled it down. She grabbed Nikki’s dress at her shoulders on both sides and carefully slid it down her torso. Her hands moved down Nikki’s buttocks, either side of her waist, and Helen followed the dress down her legs until she sat crouched on her knees in front of Nikki. Nikki’s head was turned sideways, her eyes closed in shame and fear of what Helen’s reaction would be. Slowly Helen raised herself again. She let her hands travel up Nikki’s sides from her hips, then move around her back and unclasp her simple black cotton bra. Nikki’s eyes were still closed. Helen leant in towards her and let her mouth close over an erect nipple, licking at it and playing with it between her tongue and her teeth. She felt Nikki shudder slightly and take an uneven, ragged breath as her hands grabbed hold of Helen’s hair and pressed her head hard against her breast.

Helen knew this was going to be difficult for Nikki and she was prepared for the worst but the love between them was so strong, she had to get closer to her physically, she couldn’t bear to live like this any longer. With Nikki voluntarily blinded Helen let her eyes sweep over the thin but feminine body before her while her hands explored its contours and lines and caressed the skin lovingly. She felt a tight knot in her stomach churn painfully as her gaze focused on Nikki’s torso, which was mapped out with deep scars and bruises that evidently never faded. She could see a few on her arms and legs as well and the beginning of the one she’d seen once before, the one that started on her right arm and wound its way up on her shoulder and probably down her back although Helen couldn’t see that now. She stepped in close to her, letting their skin touch and their senses take over. Nikki buried her face in the nape of Helen’s neck and she hugged Helen close as she undid her bra and stroked her back delicately with her fingertips. Emotional euphoria encapsulated Helen as she noted that Nikki was responding, even initiating closeness but more than anything her physical need was so strong that she trembled with anticipation as Nikki’s kisses travelled up to her cheek, down along her jaw in search of moist and responsive lips. When she found them she groaned as the sensation was so overpowering and finally she opened her eyes again. Helen met her brown gaze and immediately recognised the silent plea for acceptance and she quietly sat back on the bed, taking off her stockings one by one and as she stood up to invite Nikki into the bed with her she removed the last piece of clothing on her body to expose herself completely and sunk back onto the duvet naked, firmly holding on to Nikki’s hands to bring her with her and appreciatively letting her eyes roam Nikki’s body on display in front of her. Nikki climbed on top of Helen, strengthened by the knowledge that Helen was the first to bare all and that she had been watching her and hadn’t showed any signs of disgust or hesitation.

As Helen started to caress Nikki who was on her knees above Helen, Nikki felt the need to lie down and relax into physical reassurance from Helen. She was by no means the stronger party in the situation anymore. Thirteen years ago she had been the one to lead Helen in bed and to help her find herself sexually the first time with a woman. Now Helen had to show Nikki the way.

Helen reached up and cupped Nikki’s full breasts that hung temptingly above her face as Nikki leant down towards her. She played with her nipples between her fingers and Nikki slid down beside her with a contented sigh as she closed her eyes once again and lay back on the pillows. Helen started to explore Nikki’s body with her hands, discovering as she travelled along, the soft curve of her currently over-satisfied stomach, the delicate hollow of her collarbone and the feminine line of the curve of her hips. Helen relished the softness of making love to Nikki; a hair-less, exquisitely gentle feel of skin on skin and two curvaceous female forms blending into one another. Exploration was tempting and challenging and she loved every shade and nuance of Nikki’s responses to her actions as she tested and tasted her lover’s body.

Nikki lay still, concentrating completely on the sensation and pleasure of Helen’s touch. Helen ran her fingers up the insides of Nikki’s thighs and she felt herself open her legs further, inviting Helen, and her clitoris throbbing in answer to the titillation. Helen ripped off her underwear and kissed the black patch of hair underneath. The hot breath against her mound making Nikki writhe as she waited for Helen to come closer, to really touch her, to make love to her for the first time in so long. But Helen withdrew again, kissing her way back up to Nikki’s face and exploring her mouth eagerly. As they kissed each other Helen let her hand travel downwards and find its way in between Nikki’s legs again. Nikki was more than ready for the delicate intrusion and gasped as Helen’s fingers gently encircled her and started to rub her rhythmically. She moved her hips guided by Helen’s strokes but then Helen progressed a little further down and her finger probed inquisitively around Nikki’s entrance. Instinctively she reached down and grabbed Helen’s hand hard.

Helen withdrew as if she’d been burnt but then realised it wasn’t her shortcomings in lesbian love-making that had caused Nikki to stiffen and without a word she leant down to kiss her encouragingly while she let her finger retrace its steps onto her clitoris, so lightly that she barely brushed over it. When Nikki looked up at her she read the desire in her eyes so clearly that the moment of hesitation was gone and she held Nikki to her tightly as she continued to caress her.

It was intensely emotional. Nikki clung to Helen as she rubbed her, split between fear and pleasure in the sensations whirling around her head. She got closer and closer, Helen knowingly hitting the right spot, then straying, returning suddenly to where Nikki so wanted her to be. Helen kept it up on purpose, not wanting Nikki to come too soon, playing with her mercilessly until Nikki begged her to stay just where it felt so good she couldn’t bear to lose the feeling one more time. Then, finally, Helen’s finger seemed to slip down a fraction, hitting some divine spot that took Nikki completely by surprise and pushed her ruthlessly over the edge. She came so strongly her body shook with its intensity and for the cloudy ecstatic moments it lasted she had no sense of space or time, utterly losing herself in her climax.

When she opened her eyes again she couldn’t remember what had happened. Had she screamed out? She had no idea. She looked down and found Helen’s body beside her; her head slumped on Nikki’s chest and a sheepish smile on her face, looking at her expectantly. This part was decidedly easier for Nikki and she leant in to kiss Helen. She started moving her hands over her body, caressing her tenderly as her fingers put pressure where she instinctively knew Helen would want them. She was surprised at how amazingly natural it all seemed to her after so many years. Helen going first so to speak had released her incarcerated senses and helped her enjoy this moment. She pushed herself up, supporting half her body on one arm while she used the other to explore Helen’s willing body that presented itself to her. She connected a long finger to Helen’s clitoris and felt her stiffen and then relax into her touch before she started moving skilfully between her legs using three fingers to satisfy Helen completely. Helen was pushing into her, grinding her hips roughly onto Nikki’s hand. Nikki held her purposefully, then pushed her down onto her back, straddling Helen’s right thigh as she lowered herself onto it. Helen gasped as she felt Nikki’s wetness spread over her skin. Nikki kept touching Helen with a finger while she penetrated her with two others and rubbed herself against her thigh. Their speed increased and Helen, watching Nikki approaching her second orgasm on top of her, was getting dangerously close to giving in also, but she wanted to hold on as long as possible. She struggled to stay at that intense level of pleasure but then Nikki groaned and gave in to her temptation and Helen immediately followed as she saw Nikki’s half-open mouth and her fluttering eye-lids as she bent down and urgently searched Helen’s mouth to satisfy the need for contact. Helen twitched and trembled against Nikki’s fingers and made muffled sounds under Nikki’s lips that played with her hungrily.

Helen lay still, a heavy throb still lingering between her legs, looking tenderly at Nikki who was reclining on the pillow beside her, her eyes closed and her heart pounding. Nikki waited a couple of minutes, then turned around on her stomach and slid down the bed, kissing Helen seductively from her neck down to her bellybutton. Then she forcefully grabbed her around her hips and held her steady while her mouth sought out Helen’s clitoris, still pulsating in protest, and closed over it. Helen squirmed in answer to the stimulation, which was over-powering, as she was so sensitive. Her hips struggled against Nikki’s strong arms while Nikki licked her, alternating between long, slow strokes and faster, harder attacks on Helen’s moist creases, then entering her and withdrawing again until Helen couldn’t hold on any longer and screamed out as she climaxed, clutching Nikki’s head between her legs.

Slowly she opened her eyes and peered at Nikki beside her. Nikki had crawled back up to lie level with Helen and she was flat on her back, her eyes open and a choked sound quietly escaping her. As Helen turned towards her, Nikki turned away and Helen leant over, putting her arm on Nikki’s side to try and flip her back again but Nikki stubbornly resisted. Helen struggled to half sit up beside her and lowered her head towards Nikki’s. She put a quick peck on her cheek then kissed away the tears running down her face. She whispered in her ear; “shhhh, it’s ok Nikki. I love you. You’re amazing”.

Nikki turned slowly. “So are you. Do you remember the last time we said that to each other?”

Helen nodded with a smile. “Yes I do.”

“The last time it was the beginning of the end Helen.”

Helen looked confused then it struck her what Nikki was thinking.

“Oh baby, it’s completely different now. There is nothing that will separate us this time”.

“Please don’t leave me”.

Helen stroked a wet strand of hair away from Nikki’s face and let her hand stay caressing her head softly.

“I promise I will never leave you again Nikki”.

Nikki laid her head on Helen’s chest and Helen put her arm protectively around her shoulders. Totally spent they both fell asleep, each comforted by the closeness and smell of the other.

Helen woke up alone and as she instinctively searched for Nikki’s sleeping body she found her rolled away from Helen on the other side of the bed. Helen realised she had forgotten the heating on all night and they were both too hot and sweaty to sleep in each other’s arms like they normally did. She turned towards Nikki and sucked her breath in hard as the sight of Nikki’s scarred back abruptly woke her. She moved in closer to her and studied the pattern of alternately whitish ridges and darker red and black patches, joined by a number of protruding knots on her shoulder blade. Nikki stretched in her sleep and turned onto her back and Helen quickly moved back to make space for her beside her. Now she took a closer look on her arms and her torso and found the same traces of her maltreatment there. All the evidence of the horrific stories that had now become Nikki’s pride – her biography – was clear to see to Helen. She fought her tears as she let a finger lightly touch Nikki and follow the scars around her ribcage and her stomach. Nikki opened a sleepy eye and looked up at Helen beside her, her green sparkly eyes filled with tears. She sat up with a worried expression; “what’s wrong?” then realised she was naked and immediately understood. She lay down again and covered herself with the white duvet and laid her arm over her face.

Helen tried to lift her arm off but she held it steady. “Nikki?”

“I shouldn’t have slept naked, I’m sorry”.

Helen shook her head violently and again pulled at Nikki’s arm without success.

“No Nikki, you’re getting it all wrong. I’m sorry I cried it just saddened me to see that’s all. Surely you understand it’s upsetting”.

“Disgusting you mean”.

“No I don’t! I mean upsetting because I love you”.

“Helen you don’t understand. You think you do but you don’t. What do you think it’s like to know that people are revolted by your body? To be sickened and ashamed at the sight of yourself in the mirror and to be reminded of how they got there time and time again.”

Helen’s tears had run down her cheeks and they started to drop down the sheet with muffled sounds. She snivelled as she kept her eyes averted from Nikki’s hard gaze.

“I don’t know Nikki. All I know is that I don’t see it. It makes me upset because I think about how you got them but I swear I don’t think… that way” Helen said, her voice faltering as she tried to express herself correctly. She had to weigh every word carefully on her tongue before uttering something that would hurt Nikki’s feelings again.

Nikki was quiet and Helen couldn’t read her at all. She stayed where she was, waiting for Nikki to react. Finally she spoke.

“I’m sorry Helen. I think I just need time. I feel so unattractive and when I look in the mirror I don’t see me. I see some freak that I don’t want to be and I can’t bear to think that you’ll see me like that as well although I realise you have to.”

Helen cuddled up to her.

”Hold me Nikki. I want to be close to you”.

Nikki reached out for her and held her to her chest, wrapping her arms around her.

“It’s really difficult for me. Can you try and understand that?”

Helen nodded. “I will. I had a wonderful night, thank you. And I don’t want to keep on at this but I just want to tell you that I don’t see you that way. Try and imagine that it was I, not you, and how you would feel. Would it stop you loving me?”

Nikki stayed silent for a while. Then she shook her head.

“No Helen, nothing could stop me loving you.”

“Remember that then”.