FourStones.net/Editorial

How the Web Works

May 28, 2001

Have you noticed that FS doesn't have a way to "login"? Is it because I'm too lazy to write that code? Is it because "membership" is a philosophical anathema at this site? Yup and yup. But what I miss by not having people log in is the really cool part: The begging, pleading rationale that is supposed to entice people to "join." So, to get that off my chest, here it is:

Congratulations! You have been invited to join the FS fraternity. Exclusive, erudite and good looking, current members have gone on to be the captains of indehiscence and rank olfactorily highest amongst piers (not to mention jetties, docks and quays).

Besides these blatantly obvious advantages, there are some wondrously hidden benefits of joining that will become startlingly prominent in approximately 36 hours after you sign up (especially in the vicinity of your e-mail inbox).

After you join, every time you visit this site we get to have a more precise way of keeping track of your movements around the site. (We could do a partial job of this just using IP addresses but many of you are using ISPs or corporate networks that use dynamic IP allocation. That makes it's hard to tell whether there are 12,000 people visiting us from Foo Corporation or just one guy fallen asleep on his keyboard with his nose stuck on the Refresh button.)

As a bonus (because we require a working email address when you sign up) we have a direct way of contacting you when our hit counts are running low and we need a quick spike before a meeting with advertising reps. These e-mail contacts will entice you with special offers that only FS is in a position to offer. You will know these links by the phrase "Free Sex."

We then sell your personal contact info, along with the tracking data, to the highest bidder. And the second highest bidder, then the third, etc. always adhering closely the goals set forth in our privacy statement, unless we suddenly realize we have made a horrible, costly mistake and then, in that case, we refuse the right to reserve ourselves.

A common issue that comes up too often for our taste happens when members of the FS Gold Elite club (those who gave us their credit card number for purchases of the FS Totally Unmarked Coffee Mug) are taken by surprise by spikes in their credit card bills, usually occurring at vendors they don't patronize in places around the world they've never been. This is normal. This is a special arrangement we have made with your credit card company. You may receive some disturbing calls from the credit card company "alerting you" to these spikes. Ignore these. If pressed for an explanation do NOT mention that you are a member of the FS Gold Elite club. This will only make the person from the credit company very, very jealous. There's no reason to make them feel bad -- you were born with a gift, no reason to rub it in their face. You have plenty of places to boast about your membership (especially to other members, which we encourage!) so remember the FS Gold Elite motto: Humility and Membership Dues: Not in That Order.

Some legalese stuff you really don't need to worry about:

Peace,

Victor