issue 03
sexual issues revealed
magandamagazine.org
the secret of coming out
I dropped my backpack in astonishment… WHO CLEANED MY ROOM!?! Without hesitation, I nervously ran toward my dresser. My forehead and hands were perspiring; I was hyperventilating. I was hoping the Safeway shopping bag was still nestled underneath the bottom drawer. As I moved the dresser, I saw an empty space. The bag was gone, and its surreptitious contents had been discovered. I couldn't imagine anyone in my homophobic family reading the gay magazines, newspapers, and books. Many scattered voiced of my mom, dad, and siblings whisked through my head: "Aaayy Nako, my son is a paggot!!"; "He's names after me—he can't be gay!"; "But, but… how?"; "Oh my god, my brother is a fag." That memorable Wednesday afternoon during my high school senior year in Santa Barbara was a turning point in my life as a gay Filipino.

Since that incident five years ago, I've reached a better understanding of my sexual orientation. As a gay Filipino, it was twice as hard to "come out of the closet," especially to my family and the Filipino community. Many obstacles prevented me from revealing my true sexual identity. Socially, today's predominantly white gay society lacks Filipino and Asian role models. Images such as white men in leather, white men with AIDS, white men with moustaches, and white men in pornography are constantly portrayed in gay magazines and in the media. Historically, the legacy of Filipinos as inferior and primal have transcended into many facets of gay life. And within the Filipino community, traditional values and an intense homophobic sentiment continuously interfere with gay Filipinos completely accepting their sexuality.

Like many Filipinos throughout the United States, I was raised among White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Santa Barbara was the utopia of ultra-conservatism, where tie-dye t-shirts and Birkenstocks were considered revolutionary. The Filipino population was miniscule; my fingers and toes probably outnumbered them. I identified with hamburgers, french fries, and shakes rather than adobo, lumpia, and halo-halo. I even recall asking my mom, at the age of five, when I would get blond hair, and blue eyes, and white skin like my friends! On the same token, the backlash of racist slurs such as "mental oriental," "flip," and "rice-picker" exacerbated my anti-Filipino mentality.

My ethnic denial was also accompanied by the enunciation of my homosexuality. This combination created a tug-of-war between what I felt was socially acceptable and what was real. My role-play as the "heterosexual" among friends and family members was not Oscar material, but it fooled most of them. I received many invitations to attend homecoming dances and proms by women whose parents vehemently believed I would be the ideal boyfriend. The fear and anxiety caused by my ensconced sexual orientation later turned to anger and disgust. I became increasingly homophobic in order to dispel rumors of my attraction to men, and it even went so far as to jeer and slander gays publicly.
My sexual and ethnic identity dilemmas were also shared by other gay Filipino Americans. One gay Filipino friend commented, "Gay Filipinos downplay and even deny their ethnicity because of their white friends, the white bars, and the white gay community in general." However, my attitude toward and outlook of gays progressively changed during my enrollment at U.C. Berkeley. Unlike Santa Barbara, I was exposed to the positive aspects of homosexuality. I saw gay couples openly express their affection without any fear of reprisal. Gay community organizations such as the Gay Asian Pacific Americans (GAPA) provided support groups and social events to ease the "coming-out" process. Its membership was also comprised of gay Filipinos who eventually became my friends and role models. Most of my peers in college accepted gays and even participated in events sponsored by the campus' gay student organizations. Open and frank discussions about homosexuality with people in and out of the classroom provided another outlet for sharing my sexual identity. The culmination of these forces facilitated my stages of "coming-out."