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it's all in your head    

Green Tea & Brown Sugar

On an uncharacteristically sunny November day in San Francisco, I had Sunday brunch with a happy gay couple, Danny and Scott, and chuckled over the story of how they became an item. It was a random encounter. In April, 1995, they both happened to be at the corner of Polk and California, where the famous cable cars turn around, and spotted each other. As Danny strolled past Scott, he remembered a tip from a how-to book, The Official Gay Manual—after the initial glance, count from one to three and look back. Scott’s eyes met Danny’s, which according to the book, signaled attraction. After chatting for about an hour on the street, the two exchanged numbers, and the rest led up to the two sharing a meal with me at Delancey Street restaurant, eight years later.

It’s a typical, funny anecdote, no different than those of any other loving gay couple in San Francisco, and not so surprising even for an interracial couple like Danny and Scott. After all, the corner of Polk and California streets is a block away from N’Touch, the local “rice bar.” But if I told you that Danny, 41, is Asian and Scott, 39, is black, would that make a difference?

Judging from Danny’s Chinese American background, their introduction to each other might seem to have been an unlikely episode. His experience tells him that African Americans are looked-down upon by Asians in general. As a program coordinator at the YMCA in the early eighties, he found himself having to coax alarmed Chinese parents to keep their children enrolled in his summer youth program when they learned that there would be black youths in the program. “Those parents were freaked out for the safety of their kids because they automatically associate blacks with criminal activities,” he says. It is a perception fueled, quite arguably, by sensationalized American media like the television program, COPS, which routinely features images of African Americans being forced into spread-eagle positions by law enforcement officers.

Considering the overt negative reactions that he has seen from his ethnic community towards black men, Danny’s relationship with an African American man certainly surprised his family and friends. But the reactions that they get in the gay community can at times be more along the lines of disdain. This is an unfortunate attitude, says his partner. “When you come to terms with being gay, a major taboo is broken—you’re basically telling the world you’re dating men,” says Scott, a litigation attorney. “But what’s shocking is that the gay community is still so limited and narrow about what’s acceptable in relationships.”

Indeed, if there is no other tangible indication of the limited tolerance for Asian and African American men being together, it is the small number of couples actually seen in public at all. I would have thought in a city like San Francisco, renowned for its large gay population and ethnic diversity, they would be easy to find. But in searching for any couples to approach for this article—including going to the N’Touch and the Pendudum (its counterpart for gay black men in the Castro district) and trying to tease them out on Internet message boards such as Craigslist.org—I had little luck. “Gay Asian and black couples do exist,” insisted Danny, “but they are rare.”

The invisibility of Asian-and-black couples lead many to think that a majority of Asian men choose to only date white men. Even some Asian men who are into other Asians—“sticky rice” as the phenomenon is colloquially known—complain that most Asians are “taken” by whites. So really, the question for many Asian American and African American men in relationships isn’t, Why are there so few of us? more than Why do most Asian men date white men?

There are no hard statistics to support that claim, but it is a widely-held perception that to go around any significantly gay neighborhood in the U.S., like San Francisco’s Castro district, and to see gay Asian men in a couple means to see them with white men. The phenomenon is not surprising, considering how dominant white mainstream culture is. The pervasiveness of homoerotic Abercrombie & Fitch ads and television shows like Queer as Folk that showcase white beauty tell us that if you’re six-feet, blonde, blue-eyed and tanned, you have it made.

I’ve seen the misleading influence of that kind of media message on myself. Growing up as a Chinese American, I’ve had to dig deep to find my identity because I didn’t fit that profile. I had aunts and uncles scrutinizing my eyes and nose—seeing if they looked “Western” enough. My cousin, Lulu, made sure she looked the part: she underwent eye and nose surgery. Her eyelids were “missing” a fold. Her nose, too flat.
In Danny’s view, many minority men who don’t fit the Western-influenced beauty profile try to validate themselves by dating white men, moving them closer to this imposed mainstream perception of beauty. This has been a pattern among his Asian friends— to seek out white boyfriends.

David Lai, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in gay interracial relationships, has found that Asians revere white culture and place whites at the top of the social scale. He explains, “This is an effect of the media. Our minds have been programmed to equate beauty and success with being white.”
In his relationship with Scott, Danny feels he has stretched beyond the typical comfort zone into uncharted territory. He reflects that it’s difficult to think outside the box; people find mainstream culture comforting. “White culture is familiar—it’s been in power for a long time, and many see it as ‘the ‘accepted culture’,” he says.

For many African Americans, the perception of power is not just granted to white men—it’s also extended to Asian Americans. Burmese-born Kianni Myint, 29, suggests that internalized racism has been problematic in his past relationships. His current boyfriend, who is black (and preferred to remain unidentified in this article), constantly draws self-deprecating negative comparisons between himself and Asian Americans. He always tells me that if he were Asian he would have an easier time finding a job and getting a home loan approved,” Kianni says. “He thinks Asians are intelligent and successful.”

Dr. Lai notes that an inferiority complex is not uncommon among black men. “Traditionally, many people view blacks as the bottom of society,” he says. “They may have a social edge by dating Asians as Asians do with whites—there are different levels of power associated with race and skin color.”

But a somewhat different take on the issue of power and skin color is offered by Larry Shinagawa, director of the Center for Race, Culture and Ethnicity at Ithaca College in New York. While white culture sees Asians and blacks the way they want to, says Dr. Shinagawa, Asian-and-black couples tend to downplay sexual fantasies based on skin color, seeing skin as nothing more than color and contrast. They are not the power brokers; they lack the tools for articulating and defining their relationships. “In minority-minority couples, you don’t have that deep well of imagery where issues beyond race and skin color arise,” he says. “Whereas, in Asian-and-white relationships, it is not just skin color, it is a matter of power, privilege, body image and ownership.”

These issues that Shinagawa describe manifest themselves in sexual stereotypes and expectations placed on gay men of color. For Asians, they include being submissive, docile and quiet, while blacks are often expected to be macho and aggressive.

Joey, 43, a banker and third-generation Japanese American, has been on the receiving end of such stereotypes and expectations in his past dating experience. He muses that he’s gotten dinged for being short, chubby and, most unexpectedly, rather outspoken. “It seems that the gay community is looking for a certain type of Asian guy and I’m not that guy,” he says.
He believes that ignorance and a lack of communication are what lead to these types of assumptions about people and their race. A big reason Joey prefers to date black men is that since they are not a part of the white culture, he believes they are more aware of cultural differences and dealing with stereotypes. There is a wide gap, however, between understanding those cultural differences and dealing with them within both the Asian and African American communities.
Shinagawa notes from his research that the Asian community is surprisingly accepting of gay relationships when those relationships are re-articulated as same-sex “friendships.”
He claims, however, that the black community is generally not so accepting of gay interracial relationships.

This was true for Joey, whose previous relationships with African American men meant having a hard time integrating into circles of friends primarily comprised of black men and women, gay or straight. “The groups tended to be tight-knit and cliquish,” he said. “I remember one time my ex-boyfriend brought me to a party and one of his friends left because that friend couldn’t accept that he was dating outside his race.”

Still, Dr. Lai thinks that the “gay factor” is still more problematic for others to accept than the interracial aspect in a relationship between two men of different races. In a hypothetical setting where a traditional Chinese family would cite a preference between a black woman and a Chinese man for their son’s potential mate, Dr. Lai predicts they would opt for the former. “Acceptance comes with acculturation—factors that include education, communication, familiarity with and knowledge of the culture,” he said. “A gay Asian-and-black relationship is a double whammy. People have to intermix with the gay culture as well as the black culture.”

With as many obstacles as Asian-and-black couples have to deal with, some men have made great strides to see that it becomes easier for these men to support their relationships, or at the very least, find each other. Luis, a mixed Chinese and Cuban gay man from San Jose, California, runs Asian and Black Men SF, an Internet-based social and support group. Founded in 2000, the online club currently has 225 members, and hosts a bimonthly café gathering.

"There is a fundamental difference between the Internet group and coffee group,” says Luis. “The Internet group is prevalent with ‘hookups’ (contacts for casual sex) while the coffee gathering features a different crowd—guys who genuinely care about one another and are looking to start relationships.”

Regardless of the agenda of social clubs like these, Lai believes that they serve a critical function. “You need to start somewhere and generate some interest,” he said. “People need to recognize that these couples do exist.”

While wider awareness of gay Asian-and-black couples may be the paramount goal for Asian and Black Men SF , Luis’ boyfriend, Rob, a 35-year-old black electrical engineer, stresses that it’s up to individuals to be open to these kinds of relationships. “A lot of people limit their options because they are afraid of being ostracized by their community but I’m not,” he said. “I’ll date whoever I like.”

by Alex Lau

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