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SPECIAL THANKS TO: Bradley, Mike, Knox, Chris Tsubamoto, poser Asian Guys, sell out Asian chicks and all the other Women of the World who have made our lives as miserable as possible. I just couldn't have done this without you.
A portion of this article
is an excerpt from one of
Tsubamoto's articles.
Check them all out here:
Here it is: The Curse of the Asian Man
All right. I'm finally going to publish what my friends and I have been saying for years. I'm finally going to clue you in to the plight all Asian Men face. Have you ever noticed that an Asian Guy is never the stud on campus? Have you noticed that a lot of Asian Guys just don't seem to be the most popular with the ladies? Hey, if you're a girl, have you ever noticed that you just don't think of the Asian guys you know as being prime candidates for a serious relationship?
Is this because Asian guys are more shallow or less respectful than everyone else? Is it because they're not as capable as anyone else? No, it's because God hates us.
By the time you're done reading this, you'll know that The Curse of the Asian Man is very real, very ironic, and is far-reaching. When you've finished, you will know that Asian Men are actually the most Awesome guys around, but nobody knows that but a small few. Sucks to be us, I guess.
I can sum up The Curse of the Asian Man really quickly - no one wants us. Think about it. When was the last time you met a girl who had a "thing" for Asian guys? Sure, I've heard girls say that they want a guy who is a good listener, maybe funny, maybe handsome, maybe strong, maybe a lot of things ... but when they're thinking of the man of their dreams, nine times out of ten it ain't an Asian Guy they've got in mind. That doesn't make any sense. I don't think girls hate us. I just think for a lot of women, it doesn't even occur to them to put us in the "dateable" category. We're nice to talk to, we can help them with their homework - heck, we might even be fun to be with, but I guess we're just not attractive enough. You know, men and women might be more similar than I thought.
This just shouldn't be. I mean, we're just as good as the next guy, right? Is it because we're short? That seems kind of shallow, don't you think? (note: if you ever want to piss off a girl, call her shallow; girls hate that)
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You would think that at least our own women would appreciate us, but this simply isn't true. Most Asian Girls, if it were left up to them, would rather go out with a White Guy. They, of all people, should know how Awesome we really are, but they just don't. Yes, I know there are Asian couples around (hey, I'm in Hong Kong, remember?), but I'm willing to say that those girls just didn't have much of a choice. You should see the attention these White Guys get from the local girls here. It's sick.
Life is even harder for an American Born Chinese like me. The few, precious, Asian girls who have not yet sold out don't care for ABC's because we're not Chinese enough. On the other hand, guys like me don't have the blonde hair and the blue eyes and the ridiculous amount of body fur so we're not attractive to the sell-out, American-loving locals either. And yes, I am bitter about that.
I think what aggrevates me the most, is that no matter how you look at it, the Asian Man loses, and for no good reason at all. The guys I see that women go for are all a dime a dozen, no matter what color they are. The Asian guys who are a big hit with the ladies usually have to trade in their "Asianess" just to get noticed (keep reading, more on that later). Even then, they're second-rate wannabe White Guys and I can't say I'm not without a little bit of satisfaction when thinking on this notion. I'm going to end this portion of my article with a quote from Chris Tsubamoto, a great Japanese writer:
"When an Asian guy sees a white guy with an Asian girl, the typical reaction is punk ass fetish motherfucker and sell out bitch. The Asian guy wonders what the white guy brings to the table that he doesn't have, and wonders why the Asian girl can't find what she wants in an Asian male. It makes us feel inferior. It makes us feel that she would rather disregard her culture than be with us. It makes us feel at a loss. It makes us mad.
Call it insecurity or jealousy or whatever, but we don't like it. And when I say we I don't mean everybody I'm talking about the majority (and yes it is a majority) of Asian men that frown upon the banana (or other mix) relationships. There is really not a good way to explain why we feel this way. Maybe it's because we feel like our interest and dedication is not reciprocated back to us. Hard to say. And yeah, I know it's not a good reason, but that's just the way it is."
Yeah, so those are the facts. That's the way life is. That's reality, nothing more, nothing less. Now I'm going to just start ranting bitterly and insult everyone. Let's begin by taking a look at the competition. I see a lot of Asian Girls with White Guys. Why is that? I hear a lot of Girls (Asian, White, or otherwise) continually whining about not being able to find a "nice" guy. What the hell? Asian Guys are the nicest freaking people on the planet (except for me, I guess). We treat old people with respect, we take care of our mothers, we bring you gifts every chance we get, we honor tradition and the family like nobody's business, and we do all of this with a genuine smile on our faces. We all play an instrument (usually piano or violin), we stay out of trouble, and we do what we're told. We won't beat you, cheat on you, or lie to you. That's not enough anymore?
Other girls claim they want a guy who has a "future" (like some don't?). Have they never seen an Asian guy before? He's got pressure from his family coming out of his ears. Asian parents don't sing lullabies to their kids - they make them memorize the Periodic Table and tell them about the importance of money and a pretigious job. No one is more prepared for the working world. No one studies harder, practices longer, and strives for perfection more than us. Asian Guys are the ultimate in Awesome. We rule. But nobody seems to notice, not even our own people (guys and girls - keep reading).
OK, I have here indisputable evidence. If you somehow missed it, look above and you'll see my scientific chart showing what most White Guys think about, what mostly preoccupies the mind. You know what the average American man is like ... and still girls choose White Guys. Why? Look at them. They're goofy and uncoordinated. Have you ever seen an Asian guy on "Cops" in a domestic dispute? No! It's always some fat ass greasy White Guy in a wifebeater ... well, beating his wife. Is this what you ladies really want?
I've heard some bitter dudes who don't have girlfriends say that most girls won't admit it, but they are willing to put up with a guy who treats them badly and with no substance. They say that it is "cool" now for girls to buy into this wholesome, innocent, and sweet routine when, in reality, they are all shallow but just don't want to admit it. I'd like to believe this isn't true. Do nice guys finish last? Some of us sure as hell do. OK, I better stop here before I stab myself in the eye. And yes, I am bitter.
The ironic thing about this whole situation is that Asian Guys actually Kick Ass. We're smart, loyal, witty, innovative, goal-oriented, well-behaved, and contributing members of society who don't need to whine and have a parade (I'm looking at you Puerto, Rico) or a million man march just because we're a minority and opressed by "the man" and everyone needs to hear what a hard freaking life we have or how much pride we have because we're a minority or any other such nonsense like that.
Don't get me wrong, we have our fair shair of losers and jack asses. What makes matters worse is that there are plenty of Asian guys who want to be white, wearing Tommy Hilfiger and dying their hair blonde because they want to look like some Preppy white guy. There are others who wear Fubu and call each other Niggaz (yeah, I said it; blow me) for no apparent reason. I've seen a bunch of websites with instructions on how to be a "cool" Asian and honestly, most of these helpful hints ask us to borrow from Hip Hop culture or spend all of our energy fixing up cars and racing them. Yippee. These guys aren't real Asians. They're Asian guys in an Identity Crisis. They've got it all wrong. They don't realize how Awesome they could really be. So while the rest of the world is finally catching on (buying stupid shirts with Asian Writing on them and pretending to be cultured as they watch endless bouts of Anime), these idiots are actually De-Asianizing themselves because they want to be cool. The situation is mind boggling: the whole world is trying to be Asian and they want out. I hate them.
OK, I finally have a conclusion: Girls are liars, plain and simple. They don't want just a "nice guy." Actually, girls don't really make any sense at all because even if they wanted a badass who could beat up everybody they should still find an Asian guy (go check out the Total Badass page; if you took all the Asians there - Jackie Chan, Shang Tsung, Chairman Kaga, etc. - and teamed them up against everyone else - including the Terminator and Jesus - they would totally kick everyone's ass). The Curse of the Asian Man is that no matter how Awesome we are, the world refuses to acknowledge it. We are, for the most part, unlucky in love for no good reason at all. Some of the most interesting guys I know with the best personalities and deepest insights have been looked over because, to most women, Asian guys are just invisible.
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