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our storiesmen

Here we share stories of API gay men who struggle with coming out to their family and friends and how they have to fight - and come to peace with - their family's and their culture's expectations.



Top 10 Reasons why I came out to my parents:


10) So I don't have to roll up and wrinkle my posters of Ricky Martin and Jet Li every time my parents come and visit

9) Because being gay is nothing to be ashamed of

8) So I can show my parents that I look better in a cocktail dress than my ugly-ass sisters

7) So that I can honor and feel proud of the relationship with my boyfriend when I introduce him to my parents as "my boyfriend"

6) Because remembering all the names of my tricks is hard enough, who can remember all the fake names of my girlfriends I came up with

5) Once my parents knew, I don't care who else is going to find out about my sexuality

4) Because I am tired of sitting on my limp wrist to stop them from flying into the air every time I talk to my parents; besides, it gives me major cramps!

3) So that my parents can become better people by being more compassionate and sensitive toward issues of oppression.

2) So I can freely give make-up consultation to my mom and feel *damn good* about it

1) So that my parents would love me for the complete person that I am and not the persona that I portray myself to be.

- Denys


Fighting Cultural Expectations

I was 12 years old when I arrived in the U.S. I didn't know any English, except to say "Hello." "Thank you!," and "America." I just hated those smart-ass kids who would make fun of me, because I would speak English with a Korean accent and I looked so damn "fobby." You know, "Fresh off the Boat."

Suddenly, I realized, oooooh, I LOOOOVED looking at some of the boys in my class. And I'm thinking, this has got to be a big joke. My Korean Mother had already started talking about my future marriage. I couldn't understand why she started talking about it when I was so young, but in the Korean culture when you are the only son, it doesn't matter that you are just a young teenager. Your family expects you to be married - there's no way around it! I thought that I couldn't possibly be gay - it's just got to be a phase! All the messages I got said that being gay is absolutely wrong. The Korean church our family went to also says that it's a sin, and I'LL GO TO HELL FOR IT!

In high school my English was getting better, and I was becoming more Americanized." I also realized that my attraction towards other guys was becoming stronger. Just like my parents, my Asian friends at school all agreed that the "gay" thing doesn't exist in the Asian community. At this point, I realized how much I'd went through. I just didn't give a damn what my church and friends said about that one part of me. I knew that I couldn't stay in the closet any longer.

Then the next thing I knew, I was rejected by my most of high school friends and my Korean friends from the Korean church. I felt like I had lost my identity completely, and my life was meaningless. I was very depressed, but I got through the depression through dating. Some of these men I started meeting were just so beautiful. After having my first experience I knew it was definitely a righteous thing for two men to fall for each other!

Then about a year later, I met some Korean friends through an AFW happy hour. I had always believed that there were other gay Koreans, but I didn't know where to find them until the AFW. A few years later, I found this wonderful group AQUA, where I have gained such sense of belonging. It's a group where I can just be myself, and know that I don't have to fake or forgo any part of my identity to go on with my life. Meeting some friends from AFW and being part of AQUA has allowed me to just be myself and not worry about unnecessary parts of my gay life.

- Kevin


To be honest, I had pretty hard time coming out as the word "homosexual." It is difficult to accept taboo issues around being gay in Asian countries because the majority of people in Thailand think that being homosexual is unusual. Some people think that they should change their gay orientation because they believe that being gay is an embarrassing situation for family and friends.

The thought of being gay had been like a feeling of darkness in my mind for so long before I could accept it. I used to feel like I had small pin in my heart, which was ready to stab me anytime when somebody brought up in conversation that being gay was weird. First, I just kept it deep side of my heart. Only my roommate knew.

Fortunately, I have such a wonderful family. They probably have a sense that I am gay and wonder about me, but they never bother to ask or mention it. Meanwhile, I feel there is no reason to tell them. The only thing that they always say to me is that they can feed me and help me grow up healthy and peaceful, but they cannot make me what I am. The only thing that they expect from me is being a great person. I realized that I could be person who has success in life, like having high level of education and a job. Yes, I put a lot of effort into achieving these goals. Finally, I can prove to myself that being gay is normal and is great socially.

Being a homosexual in the API community can be a lucky situation. We have the best things in life: a wonderful peace, family, culture, and tradition. We stand up together with family, friends, and flowers. We try to do our best where ever we may be. I hope we all are proud to be who we are, proud of whom we love, and are able to share happiness with all people.

- Y


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