The Living Room

You know they come, and then they go...

starting music: Steven Delopoulos - People Come and Go

1. First of all, some housekeeping: Yes, I know the comments don't work. Sorry, Trying to remedy that. Oh, yeah, and the links list has been updated. Have fun.

2. After an unsuccessful attempt to find Covenant PCA yesterday (Beltway 8 can be tricky if you're not careful), my dad and I went to my high school's graduation...wow. Talk about memories. I was in those kids' place two years ago, and it feels like it was such a long time ago. A lot can change in two years, I suppose. Got to see a lot of alumni and my old teachers, which was pretty cool.

But, yeah, my cousin and a few of my old friends are now officially high school graduates, so congrats to them. Best of luck.

3. Huh, this is interesting: The roommate and her ex are back together, again. Third time's the charm, I suppose, so good for you guys.

4. Speaking of the roommate, I've always found it really bizarre/amusing that she uses quotes from all these Reformed writers/theologians for her away messages.

5. Oh, everyone pray for my cousin Kristi--she's in the hospital because she's having some complications with her pregnancy, and they might have to take the baby a month early.

6. It's a shame this is so expensive, because that's the perfect lit-geek lamp. Ah, well.

7. That's all I've got. Grace and peace, guys.

ending music: Shaded Red - Innocence

good things come in multiples?

starting music: Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir - The Lamb Has Overcome

1. I had a genius idea for a collection of short stories I'm going to start writing. The first is entirely dialogue (that seems to be my strength) and it's basically the semi-typical guy-meets-girl-falls-in-love trick, with a few twists. The second one is still getting worked out in my head, but it has something to do with a bakery. Haven't figured out any others yet, but those'll probably come with time. Should be fun, but I'm trying to write it and Dialogues at the same time, which should keep me busy for a while.

2. Finally got a hold of the HR person at Target--she said orientation/training is next week. So that'll be fun.

3. I have this huge zit forming in the corner of my nose and it's driving me crazy--I'm sure you all wanted to know that.

4. My dad's out watching Revenge of the Sith by himself, poor guy. I would have gone with him, but I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies, a fact I'm both proud and ashamed of. I know, I know.

5. I stole this from our very own Teacher Dave:

3 names I go (or have gone) by: Mandy, Manders, Communist

3 Screen-names I've had: thelivingroom76 (AIM), gracerevolution76 (YIM), amongangels114 (AIM)

3 physical things I like about myself: lips, hair, calves (yes, calves--my lower legs are pretty hot, or so I'm told)

3 physical things I dislike about myself: hips, weird feet, upper arms

3 parts of my heritage: ethnically Korean, culturally east Texan and Midwestern

3 things I am wearing right now: black square-frame glasses, old CFBC camp t-shirt (for a camp I didn't even go to--heh), green cotton drawstring pants

3 favorite bands / musical artists: This changes a lot, but at the moment it's Damien Rice, Ben Folds, and Andrew Osenga/The Normals.

3 (of many) favorite songs: Again, subject to change, but "Stranded" by Plumb, "Ashes of American Flags" by Wilco, and "Demons" by the Blind Boys of Alabama.

3 things I want in a relationship: Trust. Honesty. Affection.

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me: Beautiful eyes, mussed-up indie rocker hair (this is one of those things you can't really define, but you know when you see), muscular arms

3 of my favorite hobbies: singing random stuff at any time and any place, knitting like a maniac, writing

3 things I want to do really badly right now: Finish my freaking book, start working, get this room clean (unfortunately, one of these is probably going to have to get jilted for the sake of the others).

3 things that scare me: Postpartum depression (seriously, I am terrified of this), disappointing other people, being caught between an eighteen-wheeler and a wall whenever I'm driving

3 of my everyday essentials: food, music, words

3 careers you have considered or are considering: teacher, editor, bartender (kidding)

3 places you want to go on vacation: New York, the Pacific Northwest, some cool Spanish-speaking island in the Caribbean

3 kids' names you like: (m) Mason, Jeremy, Bryan; (f) Aimee, Caroline, Leah

3 things you want to do before you die: marriage, motherhood, skydiving (in that order)

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy: I don't ever cry at movies; I'm pretty decent at logic (although I'm really not that logical); I actually like watching a lot of sports on TV.

3 ways I am stereotypically a girl: I love to shop; I like getting dressed up; I am hopelessly romantic.

3 celeb crushes: Topher Grace, John Cusack, and Dominic Monaghan

6. Planning on visiting Christ the King Pres tomorrow with Luke (who's in town) and Aaron Adams--should be cool. A lot of my friends from school go there, too, so it'll be good to see them.

7. Hm. Does anyone want to go see the sneak preview of Cinderella Man tomorrow?

ending music: Passion Band - Glorify

"He sets the lonely in families..."

This is something I've been really convicted about lately: I'm really terrible about seeking out intentional community. It's harder for me to do that when I'm at home, whenever I'm not constantly interacting with people in class and in the dorms, and during vacations it's very easy for me to isolate myself from other people. There are a couple of friends I see several times a week, but it's not like it is at school. Most of the time I sit around or do stuff by myself.

It's not as though I really want to be alone, especially after getting used to having a constant stream of people around. It gets frustrating sometimes. The thing is, though, I'm not quite sure how to go about doing it. I guess what you do is just call people and say, hey, let's get together, but for some bizarre reason there's something in my brain that's thinking, huh, that'd be kind of intrusive, and are you sure you really want to go out anyway? Stupid, I know. It really is. But it's been there so long that it's ingrained myself in my subconscious and I can't really bring myself to call up anyone I haven't seen in a while to just say, hey, let's hang out. When and where?

Of course, it's not just about hanging out. It's about looking outside myself and loving other people, and the root of my problem is that I'm so inwardly turned. My prayer lately has been that God would make my love unselfish and turn my focus outward, so I guess this is part of Him answering that. The question now is, where do I go from here?

T13 (5.26.05)

This week: 13 things you plan to do this summer.

1. Work (if I can ever get a hold of Target...they don't ever call me back, grrr)
2. Hang out with friends.
3. Maybe visit Christ the King and Ecclesia.
4. Write a lot of letters to my brother.
5. Two words: Movie night!
6. Burn Buy some CDs.
7. Buy cute baby things for the niece!
8. Get my passport and visa.
9. Get caffeinated.
10. Read a LOT.
11. Figure out what the heck is causing these weird dizzy spells...
12. Use up my yarn stash.
13. Get through the rest of the Old Testament.

I've been hit...

I've been passed the music meme by Mic, so here goes:

Total volume of music files on my computer: 8.40 GB, which translates to about six and a half days worth of music.

The last CD I bought was: Stephen Delopoulos, Me Died Blue (99 cents from eBay! can't beat that).

Song playing right now: "Lord, You're Near" by Vineyard

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
1) "Let Go" by Frou Frou (there's beauty in the breakdown)
2) "On Jordan's Stormy Banks" by Jars of Clay (I am bound for the promised land)
3) "Medication" by Derek Webb
4) "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2
5) "Volcano" by Damien Rice

Five people to whom I'm passing the baton: the Dave, Hannah (when she gets back from Europe!), Lori Mc., Laura B., and any of the Thinklings that are willing to take the bait.

And on the seventh day...

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy." --the fourth commandment, Exodus 20:4-6

Everyone talks about how we need to keep the ten commandments--we'll even fight about whether it needs to be in schools or courthouses--but a lot of us don't really take the fourth one seriously. We're supposed to keep the Sabbath holy, right? Somehow I don't really think slacking off or doing homework or catching up with the housework is what that looks like. (Before I get any angry letters, I am the chief of Sabbath breakers. I'm working on that.)

Part of the problem might be that we have this terrible idea of the Sabbath, that it's this huge legalistic thing. We read the parts of the New Testament where Jesus blasts the Pharisees for making all these rules what they could and couldn't do on the Sabbath the point where it wasn't really a day of rest, and I think we're afraid of that happening now.

What we don't understand is that we ought to honor God in the way we order our time. This is a big reason why I love being in a liturgical church--time is arranged in seasons and weeks that are centered around the gospel. Sunday is a feast day, a day when we come rejoicing to worship our God together. It's different than every other day of the week, because we come together to hear the Word and receive that as a body, and God shows up. The not-working thing isn't meant to be a restriction (what you can't do), but rather it's meant to free us to rest and take a break from our work. (Of course, that means the rest of the week we ought to work well so we actually have something to rest from.)

I think we can take a cue from Judaism: In that religion, the Sabbath starts at sundown Friday night (for us, it would be Saturday night), and families come together to have a huge celebration dinner. They treat the day as a wedding, as a feast, and they center their whole week around it. They go to hear the Word of God together. The parents say a blessing over their children. They pray together. See what this looks like? It's about community, it's about family, it's about the Lord. How can we, who are under the new covenant of grace, do any less than this out of gratefulness? How can we not view the Sabbath as a taste of the feast to come at the end of all things?

Discuss.

Current status.

Reading: the book of Jeremiah, The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky (I've been reading it since January...it's a beast of a book, but I love it)

Watching: Random movies my dad has sitting around the house, Lost, Alias, the decorating shows on TLC

Consuming: A lot of water, some fantastic pasta salad at a Sunday school party last night, bananas

Making: A blanket out of some terrible purple acrylic, this skirt from Knitty, with some modifications (I'm not doing the drawstring). Dialogues is currently on hiatus as I'm doing some major outlining and will have to go back and do some major rewrites soon.

Listening: Ben Folds, The Decemberists, Damien Rice, Jars of Clay's self-titled

Notes for the week.

A preview of this week's posts:

*Some thoughts on the Sabbath and the American church's notorious tendency to not keep it holy.
*The return of the 95 theses.
*Why I am a selfish brat, and why you are, too.
*A meditation on rock shows and human nature.
*And, of course, the T13.

Keep your eyes peeled.

T13 (5.19.05)

This week: 13 small snapshots of beauty from your life.

1. A few weeks ago at church, we sang "It is Well With My Soul", and I happened to be sitting in front of one of the better harmonizers in the congregation. The building where Redeemer meets now has really good acoustics, and we have a lot of great singers--when it got to the chorus, everyone's voices blended together and...well, it was gorgeous. I almost cried.

2. "My friends...you bow to no one."

3. The second chorus to "All Good Gifts" on the touring cast soundtrack to Godspell. Trust me on this; it's a thing of beauty.

4. The sunset over Lake Waco.

5. The view from the clock tower in Draper.

6. I went to a recital last month, and the guy did a song called "Feels Like Home"...I got goosebumps. "There's something in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself..."

7. There's a guy who's been coming to Redeemer for the past couple of weeks named Kendall. He's an ex-crack addict, and for some reason he sits in the front row. Hasn't taken Communion yet. Here's the thing: Our pastor met him a couple of weeks ago and he bought him a pack of cigarettes. That may seem a little weird, but that feels a lot like grace. (All my longer snippets seem to be coming from Redeemer--maybe that's a sign.)

8. Okay, okay: Mission trip in Mexico. Nightly meeting. We're all just praying together, and as one guy starts to talk, he can't do it. He just starts crying. No one else says anything.

9. The scent of clove cigarettes. (Not as something I participate in anymore, just a memory.)

10. The fact that Redeemer's in-house Nigerian never felt like a black man in a church full of white people.

11. Seeing my nephews for the first time after they were born.

12. Coming home.

13. The look in his eyes as I held his hand.

Quick update from the home front.

1. Heh heh...my mom talks in her sleep a lot, and loudly. Usually when she does, she's either really pissed off, freaked out, or extremely amused at my dad and me, so I guess her subconscious is finally getting to come out and play so the rest of us can, um, hear it. I should get this on tape.

2. Oh, yeah: I got a job at Target today. Work starts next week. Get excited. (No, I'm not doing the weird internship selling books. To make a long story short, it was basically a bad idea.)

3. My project for the rest of the week is getting my closet cleaned out--not an easy feat. There's a layer of junk on the floor in there about a foot thick. Should be interesting.

4. Weird tidbit I've noticed: Whenever I get depressed, I just want to sleep all the time. Whenever my friends get depressed, they don't sleep at all. Wonder what makes the difference.

5. So many broken people around, guys. My heart's gotten enough to freak out about for a while. No one else get sad, okay? (Kidding. But, yeah. Love takes a lot out of you.) How long to sing this song?

6. Quick contest: My sister-in-law, not having done the whole name-a-girl thing before, asked me to come up with names for their daughter, so of course, I bring it to my blog. You guys get to help name my niece. Any suggestions? ("Charlotte" has already been nixed by the brother, so that's out. And remember, it has to sound good with "McClendon" whenever they yell her full name.)

ending music: Steve Burns - A Song for Dustmites

On home.

Large: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Large: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

--Garden State

* * * * *
Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
Would you like a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95
It's okay, you don't have to pay
I've got all the change

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you 'bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
You'll try and try and one day you'll fly
Away from me

Good morning, son
I am a bird

It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
Oh, we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it

And you're so much like me
I'm sorry

--Ben Folds, "Still Fighting It"

Some happy notes.

*I got a free coffee Frappuccino at Starbucks the other day. The cashier was just randomly gone and the barista who was there didn't know how to work it, I guess, and he just said, "Don't worry about it." So, yeah. Yay for sticking it to the man.
*The GPA (see yesterday's post).
*The teaser for the next Harry Potter movie's up. :)
*They opened up a McAllister's Deli across from the mall...you don't understand, this is really pretty exciting.
*My sister-in-law's having a GIRL! (Read: My mom and I now have a legitimate excuse to buy cute girly baby stuff. Not that boy baby stuff isn't cute, but those little dresses are SO ADORABLE!)
*My friend Heidi's getting married tomorrow!
*We have some great people on staff for The Pulse next year. A couple of the new ones are friends of mine, too, which is pretty awesome. The only downside is that now we're going to have four Amandas on staff, and three of us are editors, so meetings should be nice and confusing. (I'll be switching out with my friend Annalee, since we're both studying abroad in different semesters.)

*is shocked*

Just got my grades for the semester.

Five A's and one B.

3.88 GPA for the semester.

3.52 cumulative.

4.0 GPA in my major.

I honestly didn't think I was going to do that well. Not quite dean's list material, but I'm getting there, slowly.

*relieved/ecstatic*

Three hymns.

The sands of time are sinking, the dawn of Heaven breaks;
The summer morn I’ve sighed for—the fair, sweet morn awakes:
Dark, dark hath been the midnight, but dayspring is at hand,
And glory, glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

O Christ, He is the fountain, the deep, sweet well of love!
The streams of earth I’ve tasted more deep I’ll drink above:
There to an ocean fullness His mercy doth expand,
And glory, glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

Oh! Well it is forever, Oh! well forevermore,
My nest hung in no forest of all this death doomed shore:
Yea, let the vain world vanish, as from the ship the strand,
While glory—glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

There the Red Rose of Sharon unfolds its heartsome bloom
And fills the air of heaven with ravishing perfume:
Oh! To behold it blossom, while by its fragrance fanned
Where glory—glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

The King there in His beauty, without a veil is seen:
It were a well spent journey, though seven deaths lay between:
The Lamb with His fair army, doth on Mount Zion stand,
And glory—glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

I’ve wrestled on towards Heaven, against storm and wind and tide,
Now, like a weary traveler that leaneth on his guide,
Amid the shades of evening, while sinks life’s lingering sand,
I hail the glory dawning from Immanuel’s land.

Deep waters crossed life’s pathway, the hedge of thorns was sharp;
Now, these lie all behind me Oh! for a well tuned harp!
Oh! To join hallelujah with yon triumphant band,
Who sing where glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

With mercy and with judgment my web of time He wove,
And aye, the dews of sorrow were lustered with His love;
I’ll bless the hand that guided, I’ll bless the heart that planned
When throned where glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

Soon shall the cup of glory wash down earth’s bitterest woes,
Soon shall the desert briar break into Eden’s rose;
The curse shall change to blessing the name on earth that’s banned
Be graven on the white stone in Immanuel’s land.

O I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved’s mine!
He brings a poor vile sinner into His “house of wine.”
I stand upon His merit—I know no other stand,
Not even where glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

I shall sleep sound in Jesus, filled with His likeness rise,
To love and to adore Him, to see Him with these eyes:
’Tween me and resurrection but Paradise doth stand;
Then—then for glory dwelling in Immanuel’s land.

The Bride eyes not her garment, but her dear Bridegroom’s face;
I will not gaze at glory but on my King of grace.
Not at the crown He giveth but on His pierced hand;
The Lamb is all the glory of Immanuel’s land.

I have borne scorn and hatred, I have borne wrong and shame,
Earth’s proud ones have reproached me for Christ’s thrice blessed Name:
Where God His seal set fairest they’ve stamped the foulest brand,
But judgment shines like noonday in Immanuel’s land.

They’ve summoned me before them, but there I may not come,
My Lord says “Come up hither,” My Lord says “Welcome home!”
My King, at His white throne, my presence doth command
Where glory—glory dwelleth in Immanuel’s land.

--Anne R. Cousin, "The Sands of Time are Sinking"

* * * * *
I must tell Jesus all of my trials;
I cannot bear my burdens alone.
In my distress He kindly will help me--
He ever loves and cares for His own!

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles;
He is a kind, compassionate friend;
If I but ask Him, He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.

Tempted and tried, I need a great Savior;
One Who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus;
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

O how the world to evil allures me!
O how my heart is tempted to sin!
I must tell Jesus, and He will help me
Over the world the victory to win.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone.
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
Jesus can help me--Jesus alone.

--Elisha A. Hoffman, "I Must Tell Jesus"

* * * * *
Thou lovely Source of true delight,
Whom I unseen adore;
Unveil Thy beauties to my sight,
That I may love Thee more.

Thy glory o’er creation shines;
But in Thy sacred Word,
I read in fairer, brighter lines,
My bleeding, dying Lord.

’Tis here, whene’er my comforts droop,
And sins and sorrows rise,
Thy love with cheerful beams of hope,
My fainting heart supplies.

Jesus, my Lord, my Life, my Light,
O come with blissful ray;
Break radiant through the shades of night,
And chase my fears away.

Then shall my soul with rapture trace
The wonders of Thy love;
But the full glories of Thy face
Are only known above.

--Anne Steele, "Thou Lovely Source of True Delight"

Oh, the possibilities.

the assignment: choose five or more of the following questions to answer on your blog. link back to my post or further so we can follow the chain.

If I could be a scientist...If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate... If I could be a photographer... If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...If I could be married to any current famous political figure...

* * * * * *
If I could be a missionary...I'd go to India and teach people English and help the Dalits. (Psst: I actually want to do this after school. We'll see what happens.)

If I could be a gardener...the days would be full of sunshine and fertilizer and dirt under my nails, for the sake of beauty that God gave to us to grow. On TV once there was a woman who was an estate keeper--she kept up gardens for wealthy people, and she and her husband were both bohemian artsy types, and they were going to bring a baby into their organic little New York world. Yeah, that's the kind of gardener I'd want to be. (Then again, gardeners always make me think of Samwise Gamgee, and I wouldn't mind being like him, either.)

If I could be a professor...I wouldn't be the kind that just gets up and lectures, but I wouldn't leave my class to just discuss it and just throw out their own opinions. People need a balance of both to learn, I suppose. I'd show up in pleated skirts and button-down shirts every day and teach them about modern American literature just so I could have an excuse to gush about William Faulkner.

If I could be an athlete...first of all, that would take a freaking miracle. But I'd want to be a triathlete. Crazy, I know.

If I could be a chef...I'd find a friend who's a heck of a lot better at handling money than I am, and we'd open a cool little restaurant where people could come hang out, get a good meal. Lots of good coffee and homemade bread and soup and dessert. Nothing fancy. But it could become a place with "regulars" that could become friends and then almost like family.

* * * * *
Passing the torch to Laura, the roommate, Jeff, John, and Kristen.

T13 (5.12.05)

This week: 13 places where you'd like to live.

1. Seattle, WA.
2. Edinburgh, Scotland, UK.
3. New York, NY.
4. Portland, OR.
5. Honolulu, HI.
6. Boston, MA.
7. Austin, TX.
8. San Diego, CA.
9. Sydney, Australia.
10. Chicago, IL.
11. Denver, CO.
12. Washington, DC.
13. London, England, UK.

The Living Room recommends (musical edition) (5.9.05)

Rap music
Look, okay, it really doesn't suck if you listen to the right people. 50 Cent? Meh. Ludacris? Meh. Beastie Boys? NO. Just no. Eminem? Some of his stuff. ("Sing for the Moment" comes to mind.) Biggie? Run-DMC? Kanye West? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then there are the more independent rappers: Playdough, Grits, LA Symphony. Don't be a hater.

Matisyahu
This is the craziest thing I've ever heard: An Orthodox Jewish reggae rapper. And he's good. Check this dude out.

The Decemberists
Indie rock covering everything from pirates to true love. They use accordions to great effect.

The Garden State soundtrack
A wonderful, quirky soundtrack for a wonderful, quirky movie. Coldplay, The Shins, Iron & Wine, Frou Frou...

Say Anything
I went to see them Easter weekend, and dang, they do a good live show. Their CD is even better. "Alive With the Glory of Love" is probably one of the greatest rock songs to dance to, ever.

Fun thought.

You know, there are some days when I really wish my dad would get a blog, but then I remember how much he hates writing, and realize I'd probably want to proofread the thing all the time.

Much love, Dad, much love. :D

The end of the year as we know it.

The roommate has posted her reflections on the year already, so I thought I'd one-up her and post a tome. ;) Just kidding, of course, but so much has happened since August that I can't really help but write about it.

I've learned a lot this year--not just academically, of course, but spiritually and personally as well. I've gotten to know myself a little more, and God's pretty much continued to shock me with His grace all the time. It's an interesting feeling, thinking you've got yourself figured out and then realizing that, no, you really don't. Still growing. Like I said yesterday, my prayer is that God would make my love unselfish. We are such fragile beings, guys. The Lord is the only One who can hold us all together.

Still learning to look outside myself. Still trying to lift my eyes to the One who is my help.

That all being said, some lessons learned:

*I am a self-centered piece of junk sometimes. Well, make that most of the time. When I'm not, that is grace.
*Grace is full and available to me, even when (or should I say, especially when) I'm at my worst. I don't have to carry my burdens alone.
*It is, in fact, very possible for me to pin down the roommate and proceed to knuckle her scalp into oblivion, despite her insistence that she can beat the snot out of me. (Kacy, I'm almost twice your size and I've gotten some muscle since the beginning of the year. When are you going to figure that out? Hehe.)
*iTunes and Harry Potter will be my downfall yet.
*The Word is the only place where I can find the truth of Christ, and I need to dig into it more than I have been.
*Other people do indeed have different needs than I do. You'd think that'd be obvious, but it's hard to get my heart to understand that.
*God always provides a way for you, one way or the other.
*Procrastination is the enemy. Yes.
*God knows what He's doing. I don't need a boyfriend (even if I really, really, really want one) to satisfy my soul, because the poor guy will never be able to do that.
*Keeping in touch with peeps from home is both good and necessary.
*Diet Coke with Lime has to contain an addictive substance of sorts.
*Cutting one's own hair is a lot of fun, but it's very messy.
*Aleve, in large doses, will screw your stomach up. Learned that the hard way. Mine is still mad at me.
*It's very important to develop good relationships with your professors so they will write recommendation letters for you. Muaha.
*Being judgmental is a lot harder whenever you realize just how screwed up you are yourself.
*Free yarn = something close to Plato's highest Good.
*How do we know it's a table...?
*Get to know all the people groups in your church--married couples, little kids, older and younger students, the elders, the pastors, whomever. The body of Christ is rich with heritage.
*Studying with Karen and Tim is very entertaining.
*When two of your friends start going out, getting yourself involved in any drama that ensues is quite emotionally exhausting.
*It's okay to feel. Don't let yourself go numb.
*Kneading dough is a good way to take out frustration, which is why I did so much baking last semester.
*A warning for anyone considering an English major: It's kind of unsettling to hear your sixtysomething professor discuss sexual innuendo in Renaissance-era literature.
*You know you're on a politically conservative campus when a war protest can reach numbers in the, well, dozen. Yes, one dozen.
*Dance when you think no one's looking, and you'll entertain anyone who just happens to have noticed.
*Isolation = bad. Bad bad bad.
*Netflix is totally worth the money, man. Except if you don't *have* the money to use it.
*There are no bad genres of music, just crappy songs.
*Breathe low whenever you sing. Expand the muscles below your belly button.
*Dealing with other people's grief requires a lot of grace.
*When knitting in the round, don't let your yarn get caught in between your stitches; it's impossible to go back and fix later. (Sorry, all you non-knitters.)
*The Lord is both strong and loving. Run to Him.

That all being said, I think it's appropriate to end on this note:

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; here by Thy great help I'm come,
And I hope by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, bought me with His precious blood!

everything...

1. Prayer for the week: Lord, make my love unselfish. Turn my vision outward and upward.
2. Slightly more minor prayer for the week: Lord, help me to quit slacking off.
3. I'm having the worst craving for a frozen Snickers from Common Grounds, but I don't want to get up and walk across campus in order to get it. Isn't that terrible? (For the uninitiated, a frozen Snickers consists of a frozen cappuccino with chocolate syrup, peanut butter syrup, whipped cream, and sprinkles. Don't you want to come visit me now?)
4. Thanks, everyone, for the feedback on those two random essays from the other days. That second one might be tweaked as soon as I get a break from miscellaneous humanities finals.
5. Speaking of finals, I think I just got a B on the one I just took. Maybe reading the fifth Harry Potter last night was a bad idea after all. (See item #2.) At least I didn't fail.
6. So let go, so let go, jump in, tell me, what you waiting for? It's all right, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
7. Finally, this is probably the cutest thing I've seen all week. Grace and peace, guys.

T13 (5.5.05)

This week: 13 songs you can dance to.

1. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony (trust me)
2. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
3. Mary Mary - Shackles (*odd Beth Kay hand motions*) (CFBC choir kids will get that last part)
4. Say Anything - Alive With the Glory of Love
5. Radiohead - Electioneering
6. Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started (shut up, all of you, right now. it's a good song)
7. Damien Rice - Cannonball (slow dances count)
8. Ethan Durelle - From the Heart of Blythe County (na na na na na na, indeed)
9. Guess Who - American Woman
10. Van Morrison - Brown-Eyed Girl
11. The Beatles - Twist and Shout
12. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
13. Derek Webb - Ballad in Plain Red (it's very possible to do the Pulp Fiction dance to this song)

surrounded by joy

Rebecca is flying.

My pastor's daughter has perched herself in the middle of this trampoline; her little brother is trying to get himself vertical, but this is new territory for him and he's having a difficult time. So he just lies there, diaper peeking out from his waistband (I guess it starts early, the underwear-showing thing). And I'm bouncing around them in a circle, sending them flying upward into the air. They laugh, and I laugh, and the sound of our voices bounces with us. I feel like a Jewish bride*, surrounding these kids with joy, sheltering their childhood with the strength of my leaps. But no, they have good parents, and they are protected well enough already. I'm just here for the ride. So we all soar upwards, a little closer to heaven.

Off in the distance, people throw around a frisbee. Through the window, we can hear music and conversations through the filter of this wide-open air and the evening coolness. It's starting to rain. Dogs bark. Pete, Rebecca's dad, shows off his war injuries (he fell off a dirt bike earlier, and he's a proud warrior with the soil). And a few feet away my good friend shelters his girlfriend, my roommate, under his strong arm and striped shirt. They belong together, these two. We all are woven together tonight, the warp and woof of it all dancing in and out. Filled with hamburgers and love and friendships and summer plans, with roots burrowed deep in the soil of time and wings sprouted to fly away from each other. God surrounds us with His joy as the heavens dance over us.

And my heart just aches for the beauty of it all, when we shall all be fully known and fully know. Home is so far away tonight and yet so near. So I lift my eyes to the tree that shelters us, and laugh.

*In Jewish weddings, the bride circles the groom seven times as a symbol that as the wife, she will build a home for them, a shelter he can come back to.

help me procrastinate.

I need something to keep me from going crazy while I'm studying for finals, so you can help me out. How, you ask? Good question. Here's my answer: If you feel so led (heh), leave me a couple of topics in the comments, and preferably specific topics; vague ideas do not bide well with college students who are trying to explicate Spenser and recall what it is, exactly, that causes tornadoes. If you supply topics, I will come back later this week with short essays for your entertainment and edification.

Now where did I put my coffee mug...?

common ground: a meditation

I'm perched on this old brown-green corduroy couch, feeling slightly woozy because I've been lying down, my head cushioned on a striped pillow as I filled it with words and caffeine. Say Anything is being channeled through the speakers by the buzzcut barista behind the counter (stoic fellow). The freshman with the eyebrow piercing just got up, not sure where he is, his laptop glowing onto what looks like a discombobulated pile of neurscience articles. He's supposed to be writing a rhetoric paper; I guess it finally got to him. Hope no one steals his machine.

People keep moving in and out, ordering drinks, meeting friends, talking about finals and what they're going to do with their dead days. Outside the braver souls are hanging out with the wind (and possibly rain), facing the elements so they can inhale smoke into their already-mortal lungs. Disgruntled indie workers and sorority sisters and normal joes all finding shelter beneath this same wooden roof on 8th Street, getting their non-alcoholic buzz on, feeding information and gossip to their brains. It's stormy outside; here is a respite.

I missed an opportunity to preach the gospel earlier--my friend Caroline brought these two characters to church yesterday, and when I showed up here tonight they were sitting at the table behind me. He's a stringy-haired, maybe-middle-aged dude, jeans and a t-shirt and a brown blazer. His clothes are falling apart, kind of like how he looks he might be. Stayed in his seat during Communion yesterday morning. She's a cute little blonde, a lot like Caroline, only quirkier (if that's at all possible). I thought about striking up a conversation with them, asking them what they thought about the service, but talked myself out of it. I did say a couple of words to them, but now they're gone. Said something about finding stuff to do in Austin tonight. And I'm sitting here cursing my introvertedness (really just a euphemism for cowardice), because if the gospel isn't relevant at Common Grounds, where can it find a place?

My head is beginning to clear up. At the very least, I don't feel like the room is swimming inside of it whenever I look up. Under this ceiling full of stars and music, surrounded by souls that are just as broken as I am, something in me wonders: Surely God is in this place, and I did not know it. Angels start falling and rising, and I take off my shoes in their glow.

I get up and walk out into the cold, dark night.

Yeah, so it's been a weird week...

A summary:

1. I got published in The Phoenix, Baylor's undergrad creative writing journal, except I think their budget was lower this year...
2. Some very good conversations this week with friends from home.
3. The week has dragged on a bit, though.
4. Ever since about Wednesday, I've been feeling really weird physically--I'll wake up and have a sore throat or my stomach will be doing something weird, then in the morning I'll be fine until about eleven or so, and then I'll start getting dizzy, and for the rest of the day my muscles are just really fatigued. I missed the last RUF because I felt like I'd gotten hit by a truck. The roommate has been gracious enough to fuel my hypochondria by telling me I could be diabetic or anemic. Fun, fun.
5. Got quite a bit written for Dialogues, which is fun.
6. My roommate and her boyfriend broke up, had a lot of drama, and then got together again in the course of about seventy-two hours. Much anger, frustration, compassion, and confusion involved.
7. A good, long conversation about life and love and other deep, dark secrets of the soul with my CL (that's "RA" for you non-Baylorites).
8. Found out that two of the girls who were two classes below me at Cypress are coming to Baylor next year--and they'll likely be living in North Russell, which is where my roommate is CLing next year!
9. Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail. Enough said.
10. Listening to the stories of four twentysomethings who are living with HIV.
11. Finally getting two of my freaking papers done!
12. My tea hasn't come in yet. Sad.
13. The very cool realization, waking up on Thursday morning, that Jesus is King and God and He holds us in His hands and He is sovereign. And He is at once strong and loving. That'll knock some awe into you.