A wise man once said "Any writer who can be discouraged from writing, should be." Here are a few suggestions for confusticating and bebothering a chief source of support for new writers: the writers' group.
Talk about writing but never actually write.
Cause the group to meet at your convenience. Be unable to attend at the regular time, insist on having the meeting changed, and then don't show up.
Critique brutally. If they can't stand the heat, they should get out of the kitchen.
Never turn in your best material. Make sure everyone knows it.
If you sell a story, quickly submit it to your group. Sit through your critique with a smug look on your face, and then announce to everyone that their opinions are worthless, since Gordon just bought it.
Discover what your fellow writers don't like to read, and write it relentlessly.
Attack the writer, never the work. If you absolutely must say something about the story, only talk about it in context of the writer's past output. "This is typical for you." "When are you going to grow out of this?"
Lose other people's manuscripts.
Argue. Right then and there, during your critique. They obviously don't understand what you are saying. Your mission: set them straight!
Misspell and mispronounce group members' names.
Pick a scapegoat, someone whose skills, experience, politics, or creative output just isn't up to your standards. Disagree with everything this person says and hammer his fiction extra-hard, but keep him in the group at all costs. Every joke needs a butt.
Snipe.
Require transportation to and from each meeting.
Instead of honest critique, say "I liked it," "It was really good," or just agree with someone else who's already spoken. This has the added advantage of making the actual reading of other peoples' material unnecessary.
Bully.
Never host a meeting. If it's absolutely necessary, make sure your kids are awake, the air conditioner's broken, and the refrigerator's empty. Serve decaf and tell everyone it's real.
Never ever bring food. Then complain bitterly when other members bing unsalted fat-free tortilla chips and extra-hot salsa.
Never read a story until the last possible second. Scrawl your comments in pencil. Lightly. And then rub the pages together.
Show up late. Or, worse, early.
Miss meetings where your stories aren't being critiqued.
Be the natural leader of the group. Contrive to prevent anyone with more professional credits than you from joining.
Drop names.
Write the same story over and over. Important: this is not a rewrite but the same story, plot, and hero every time.
Give bad directions.
Everyone's a member of an oppressed minority. Write about your experiences, and don't listen to any critique supplied by anyone who's not also a member of your particular group.
If the joke's on you, it's not funny.
Talk endlessly about how tough Clarion was, and how nobody who hasn't been through it could possibly understand.
Don't listen to critique. Your willingness to make changes should be inversely proportional to the number of people in the group who agree that those changes should be made.
Start rumors.
Don't answer your e-mail or return phone calls.
Cultivate a knowing smirk, an evil eye, a look of profound disgust, and an expression of detached amusement. Work extra-hard on that last one.
Never hand a manuscript back with a paper clip or without a coffee stain.
Never let anyone else have the last word.
Pick fights.
Sense when the group is about to implode. Catch everyone else at a low creative ebb, announce that they're just not up to your level any longer, and bail out, leaving destruction and hurt feelings in your wake.
Act surprised when the group breaks up two weeks later.
Start another writers' group. You know the drill: lather, rinse, repeat.
Next time: How To Break Up A Professional Writers' Organization.
| Oh, and when all else fails, write a thinly-disguised story about the other members of the group. :) |
| I'll have to remember that bit about the decaf. No wonder all my groups fall apart! |
| I thought this was how "groups" of any description usually worked anyway!!! LOL!
I was part of a dog group once. Where we would take our dog to a park, do obedience (for the dog, although sometimes you had to wonder) Certain members of that group were exactly like this. LOL Clyde |