An Exclusive Story from our man in Amman...   Part I Coming out to Myself! It has been about three years since I finally came out to myself! I decided to stop being in denial and to get on with my life. I simply had to face reality and accept my sexuality as something beyond my control. Then I faced the big question...whether I should keep it to myself till I die, or tell someone else. I struggled with it for over a year until I decided to come out to my best friend. I had a crush on him for several years and felt an obligation to finally express myself to him. He thought that I was only confused at the beginning, but then he realized that I was very serous. He has been there for me every since! After about six months, I decided to come out to my other close friend, who had the same shock. Two months later, I came out to my third friend. This one is more religious than the other two, and it was quite hard for him to understand, but he also maintained his love for me as a good friend. They are all very supportive now. So far, I have come out to four of my best friends. Telling each of them was so hard on me. They were all shocked at the beginning, and they all went through the denial phase, but I have never lost their love for me. In fact I grew closer to each one of them and I am so happy to have such good friends. I have this big urge to tell my parents. I don't doubt their love for me and I know that they would accept me. But the idea that I would hurt them badly keeps haunting me! It is a horrible fear for me to even think about it. All my friends advise me not to do it but I think my parents deserve to know their son fully. It is their decision to whether to accept me or not, but they deserve to know the truth about me. I feel obligated to tell the people with whom I am close, because they deserve to know the truth. But is also something I need to do for myself. I need to be open, honest and accepted. I need someone to talk to. I need my parents to share my love with me. I want them to feel my happiness and my pain. They should know what their son is going through. Beside all of that, people who know a homosexuals tend to be less homophobic and more accepting in general. The whole stereotype that some people have about homosexuality can change. I think every person I have come out to has become a new support member for our rights. And for them, they have a new light and knowledge of life. Will keep you posted, Ali   Part II Coming out to my Parents! Guess what...I came out to my parents yesterday! I passed the most difficult moment of my life, and they were so great and understanding. It all started when my mother asked why I had been acting so depressed lately. She felt like something was wrong and wanted me to tell her about it. She kept on nagging, so I took several deep breaths...trying to talk, but it was impossible to say a word at first. Then, I started by saying that I don’t like girls the same way other guys do... This caught their attention and they asked what I meant by that. Maybe you didn't find the right girl yet? I told them no, that isn't the problem. I couldn't control my emotions any longer and I started to cry like a baby. My father asked me to come and sit beside him, which I did. He put his hand on my should and brought me close to him, he wanted to know more about how I was feeling. He started to ask me why I feel this way and weather I prefer to be a top or a bottom! Do I fancy breasts and other questions such as that... My mother even told me that my father used to have a friend who was gay. I joked by asking my father to introduce me to him, but he replied that he is too old for me! My mother thinks that I have a problem and that a shrink can help me with it. They want me to go right away...I'll set an appointment. They also said that I don't have to worry. They said this is a minor sexual difficulty. They said that they would continue to love me no matter what. I feel like they were trying to be strong in front of me. They didn't want to show me how hurt they were. I am worried about them now, but also very much relieved for having opened up to my parents. I have great parents, and I thank God for that. I am so happy! Ali   Part III Going to see the Shrink! I want to thank you all for the support and sweet words I keep receiving. I am so much happier now, and so much relieved after coming out to my parents...I feel much closer to them. For the first time I feel that there is no limitation on my relationship with them and that I can tell them anything. Well, my parents wanted me to see a shrink because they thought I had a problem that could be solved. I didn't resist the idea, even though I didn't think that I could be changed. But I was so stupid to think that I would find a well educated shrink who would help my parents in coping with this new situation. Anyway, I picked a shrink who I had heard about before, he had studied abroad so I thought he should have gained some good knowledge!!! I started directly by telling him that I came out to my parents last week and told them that I am gay. He couldn't hear at first, so he requested me to say it again and again!!! Then his face changed, and he started by telling me that my insurance doesn't cover these things. He said I must pay him 25JD if I want a consultation. I said okay no problem, so he continued by saying that this is not a normal behavior and it is something that we have to fix!!! I asked him what does he have in mind, he said that we have to make a blood test and brain scan first. He sent me to a nearby lab for the blood test then I went back to his clinic and he did the brain scan (or that is at least what he claimed because he never give me the result document). He told me to come the next day with the blood test result so that we can talk about the treatment. On the next day, I went to the lab and got my blood test result, then went to his clinic. He checked the blood test result and told me that I have a small shortage of vitamin B12. He said I should take some B12 pills or injections, so no problem in this. He also said that there were no biological problems in my brain and that the brain scan went well (He actually found a big smart one :) LOL). Then he started to talk about the treatment. He said that he wants to give me anti-depressants together with therapy to fix me! I told him that I am not depressed at all...in fact I am so much happier now that I told my parents. And he said that we need to give it to you so that we can calm down the level of stress in order to be able to take down your defense system and change the way you think. I told him that I am not convinced but let me think about it, so he figured out that I'm leaving for good, so he changed his attitude and became much more friendly. He started trying to convince me that being gay is wrong, he could of course, because he did have a good case. He just said that it is not normal, so I asked him whether it is wrong because of society so that I can live in different country and he said no. So I asked him is it about religion and he said no again. I didn't really have a good argument so he started to speak nonsense by comparing homosexuality to addiction!!! Yes addiction, you heard me right! He said that now I have the fantasy of being a top, but when I meet someone he will ask me for more and I will give him more and more...so it is better to fix it now because it is much easier!!!!!!!!!!!!! He IS a JERK!!! I then had to be blunt, I told him that I have read a lot about it on the net, and I know that there is no cure. I told him that I only came to his clinic for my parents and I told him that I thought he would be able to help my parents not me. So he asked me if I would like him to call my dad and I said yes sure, no problem. He called my dad and set a meeting for the next day. The next day I went to the clinic with my dad. My dad had an idea about the doctor from me and he knew that he was a jerk and out of money. I even asked my best friend's father about him...he is a big doctor and knows him personally. He said that this shrink is a big thief and that he doesn't know anything in psycho therapy!!! Anyway, my dad sat with the shrink and he had to hear the same shit I had heard the day before. Unfortunately the shrink convinced my dad that there is no harm in taking anti-depressants and that they would help me change my way of thinking!! We told the shrink that we will think about it, and we left. On our way home, I told my father that I won't take those pills. I told him that my friend Dino(a member of this group) had called from Italy to warn me about them...I am so thankful for him. Thank you Dino! My father said that he won't force me on anything and that this is my life and I am free to do what I want. He also said that he still isn't sure that I am gay due to the fact that I am still virgin. He wants me to try with a woman first before I decide. I told him even though I'm sure and don't want to be with a woman, I might someday later. So what do you think guys? What harm can these anti-depressants do? He prescribed me Zoloft. Can I take them for my father's sake if they are not harmful??? Have a nice day, Ali