The Alchemy of Coming Out

Alchemy, which came from the Persian word kimiya or the Arabic word al kimia, is known as the conversion of base metals into gold. However, this definition is limited and does not take into account the real work of alchemy which is about an inner development. Although alchemy was practiced in different parts of the world for many centuries, its exact origin is unclear. Alchemy means different things to different people, depending on the region where it was practiced. Alchemists were known to work alone in laboratories without assistance. Hence, they did not generally form secret societies or treat it as a business.

Coming out falls under the category of the alchemical process because it starts with transforming something less (in the closet) to something more (out of the closet), and beyond. Living one's life outside the closet, despite the violence against gay people ("gay" here refers to both male and female homosexuals), is a heroic act , but should not be considered as the completion of the coming out journey. The alchemical coming out takes one on an internal journey beyond the issue of in or out of the closet. It leaves one liberated rather than assimilated.

Alchemists used Mercury which was the prima materia needed to be cooked until it became a magical substance. It was believed that this magical substance could be transformed into the pill for immortality, or the finest metals, such as gold. Carl Jung's study on alchemy has helped modern readers to realize that alchemists were not working with just chemical substances, but the projected contents of their unconscious. The goal of transforming prima materia into gold was symbolic and referred to the process of inner work or psychological transformation. For us gay people, the alchemical coming out is about inner transformation. This inner transformation can result in "gold" which symbolizes an awareness of our gay essence.

Prima materia is the undifferentiated contents of the unconscious that is needed for opus (inner work). For a closeted gay man, his prima materia contains his gay essence and his inner homophobia, and each aspect needs to be differentiated. In order to differentiate contents of his unconscious, he needs to be able to experience his reactions to situations that has to do with being gay. For example, a gay man who meets a beautiful man might react by feeling turned on and at the same time horribly ashamed about his homoerotic feelings. Or a lesbian woman who in her dream is making passionate love to a beautiful woman wakes up with feelings of shame and guilt about her dream. By having awareness of his/her reactions he/she can "get hold" of this prima materia. Something has come up from the unconscious and he/she has an opportunity to try and understand its source.

Gay essence can be redeemed through the process of the alchemical coming out. In my therapeutic work with gay people and my own personal coming out, I have learned that the four alchemical stages described by alchemists can apply to the journey of coming out that many gay people experience. In fact, these stages not only apply to the coming out process but also to the inner transformation needed to become an integrated gay person. The four colors, black, white, yellow, and red, correspond to these four alchemical stages of coming out. Psychotherapy with a depth perspective like a safe vessel can help start the work of progressing from one stage to the next. Psychotherapeutic methods such as active imagination, dream analysis, and sandplay contain the fires that purifies and needed for this alchemical work. In addition to psychotherapeutic methods, spiritual traditions used by Sufis such as dance, meditation, dhikr,and prayer also contain the alchemical fire needed for inner transformation. Sufis have always known about the alchemy and believed that the alchemical inner transformation can take place only with God's (Beloved) help. A great twelfth century Sufi, al Ghazali, titled one of his most important books The Alchemy of Happiness. I have found that the Sufi's system of spiritual alchemy is very a helpful guide in understanding these stages.

Since "it takes gold to make gold," in the first stage of alchemical coming out, the gay individual needs to have a willingness to bring up what he has been put down or doubted for so long. Growing up in a homophobic and heterosexist environment forces, many gay individuals to despise their gayness. As gay children, most of us were forced to deny our essence and were shamed for our gayness. This homophobic mistreatment most of us suffered as gay children can have a negative impact on how we treat ourselves or others unless we work to change that programming.

The gay individual who receives the blessing of homoerotic consciousness from the depth of his psyche through his dreams or fantasies can enter the jihad of the first stage of coming out. His dream or fantasy might involve making love to a same sex lover which helps him to become more conscious of his homoerotic feelings. Having awareness of homoerotic feelings will be the fire that is needed to burn the closet door. Believing in a possibility of gay eros and a life outside the closet can lead to stage two of alchemical coming.

The second stage is marked by the color white, which is in contrast with the darkness of the closet. During this stage, the gay individual finds the courage to stop hiding. He attempts to feel more comfortable with himself through seeking contact with other gay people. Activities like going to gay bars, attending gay pride parades, joining gay churches, and attending coming out groups makes him feel he is not alone. He furthers his progress during this stage by coming out to his friends and family. Dating and need for intimate relationships becomes important during this period. He might become a gay activist and fight for issues that are important to him. He begins to live a more authentic life and does not have to live a double life anymore. Many gay people think this white stage is the final stage in their resolution of coming out, and never progress beyond it. For others, this not the final stage and they feel something is missing. The burning desire for understanding gayness and redeeming one's gay essence becomes the transformational fire needed for further development of the white stage.

Sometimes a crisis or a loss in the second stage becomes an opportunity to enter the third stage of alchemical coming out. As Cecil Collins puts it, "God enters through a wound." For others, the search for finding meaning for their gay life becomes an entry point to this stage. Inner development is a conscious goal of the gay individual in this yellow stage. This inner development from a Sufi perspective can bring one closer to his God. "He who walks towards me, I come to him running. (hadith)" Through inner work, the gay individual can polish his heart and become an agent of His (God of one's understanding) self-revelation. "There is a polish for everything, and the polish for the heart is the remembrance of Allah." ( A saying of the Prophet Muhammad). A gay person in this stage has worked to transform much of his inner homophobia and is no longer bound to the compulsion of the adolescent state of mind. Through the process of active imagination and dream analysis, a link between the conscious and the unconscious has developed in this stage. Becoming conscious of his shadow ( despised and rejected qualities) and owning it place him on the path of self realization where "he who knows himself knows his Lord."

Spiritual life becomes a love affair in the yellow stage and God is the beloved. "He loves them, and they love Him ( Quran, 5:59)." A great Sufi, Jami, once said, "Why listen to second hand reports when you can hear the Beloved speak himself" The true gay alchemist experiences his Beloved rather than seeking Him in books or knowledge gained from homophobic organized religions. The Beloved can be experienced through His beautiful creations. "I saw my Lord in the most beautiful form (hadith)." God is everywhere. "Wheresoever you turn, there is the face of God." It is said that "God is Beauty and loves the Beautiful." A gay person on the road of alchemical transformation can honor His beauty (jamal) in His creations and witness Him in the faces of beautiful men. "And three things of this world are worthy of the Gaze: water, green things, and a beautiful face" (hadith). God made Himself known to some through beautiful faces, and has made Himself known to others through His other creations. "Allah guides to His Light whom He wills (Koran)."

The fourth stage is not for everyone, but the end result will be "gold". As Rumi says this journey is not for "brittle, easily broken glass-bottle people," but for those gays and lesbians who willing to be "killed and reborn" through their experiences of the numinosum. For al-Hallaj, this stage leads to his death when he declared, "I am the Truth." In this stage the fire which maintains the process raises to the highest level and all duality is burnt away.

All the hard work of individuation in the previous cycles create an inner space where the lover and the beloved can meet in this stage. In the previous stages, the lover was sought through projection outside oneself, and examples of this projection are looking for a lover in gay bars, on the Internet, or looking for God in his creations. In this stage the layer of individuality dissolves, and the gay individual becomes one with the Beloved.

According to Jalal-ud-Din Rumi (1207-1273 A.D.):

"The minute I heard my first love story.
I started looking for you,
Not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They are in each other all along"


The gay heart can become an alchemical vessel in this stage where He brings alive the mystery He has hidden in His world. God said, "I am a hidden treasure. I wanted to be known, so I created the Universe in order to be known." As gay people, we have divine purpose of making Him known by polishing our gay hearts through alchemical transformational work.

This final stage is similar to what Sufis call fana which is more about becoming nothing rather than something. The real "gold" is the realization of "There is no God but God." In the words of Rumi ( Trans. Daniel Liebert):

I drained this cup there is nothing, now, but ecstatic annihiliation.

© This article is copyrighted by Dr. Payam Ghassemlou, March 17, 2003.

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