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One day I said to Kay I'd like some different kinds of soap. But I said it in a way that sounded like our marriage was a failure because we used the same kind of soap all the time. Three or four months later at Christmas time, she personally wrapped and placed under the tree 27 different bars of soap!

Every relationship – even good ones – have conflict. And just because you're in ministry does not mean you're exempted from ever having marital conflict.

If you and your spouse don't actively address conflict - learning to resolve it or manage it - you could end up killing your relationship.

What causes conflict?
The Bible says conflict is caused by selfishness. James 4:1, "Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from selfish desires that war within you." (NCV) I am basically a selfish person. I think of me before I think of anybody else. And you do, too. I want what I want and you want what you want, and when these competing desires collide that's called conflict.

The night before Kay and I got married, her father sat us down and said, "There are five areas where marriages usually have conflict: money, sex, in-laws, children, and communication."

My father-in-law was a prophet. In our marriage we went five for five! We hit every single one of the conflict-roots.

Some of you are in major pain right now. You’re frustrated to no end in your marriage, and because you're in ministry - a situation that tends to isolate us as leaders - you're not quite sure where to turn.

You feel stuck in your marital relationship because you and your spouse have argued about certain issues over and over, and there's been no resolution, much less reconciliation.

You don't know what to do, but with all things, it's best to start with God.

Call on God for help
Pray about it. Before you go to your spouse and talk to him/her about the problem, discuss it with God. This may solve the problem. Before you start dealing with the issue, before you talk to anybody about the problem, talk to God about it, and ask him for help.

I challenge you to practice what I call ventilating vertically. Many of us are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say, "Here's how I feel." You directly and honestly lay out your feelings, and heartaches, and frustrations, and anger, and confusion.

Give God your expectations - James 4:2, "You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God." (NIV) This is so foundational; you have to get this point. Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.

One day you stood with your spouse in front of a bunch of people and you said, "I do." What you were really saying was, "I expect." You weren't thinking about what you intended to do and the promises you were going to keep. You were thinking, "Good! All my needs are going to be met now! This person is the answer to my dreams and is going to fulfill me in every way."

Yet, you well know because you preach or teach it nearly every week - there is no person alive who could possibly meet all your needs; only God can do that.

God says, “You quarrel and fight. You have unmet needs because you don't ask God.” How do I know when I'm looking to other people instead of God to meet my needs? It's called anger.

Anger is a warning light, which says, "I'm expecting somebody to meet my needs." When I have a need for you to be on time and you're late, or when I have a need for you to notice me and you don't, I get angry.

God says, "Why don't you try talking to me about it first?"

Instead of expecting your mate to meet all your needs, God wants you to look to him. You have not because you do not ask God.

Confess your part of the conflict
Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask, "How much of this conflict is my fault?” I need to do an honest check-up and admit my part. When you're wrong, admit it. And when you're right, shut up!

Be honest. Jesus says, "Why then do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? Take the log out of your own eye first and you'll be able to see clearly ...." (Matthew 7:3, 5, TEV) 

Everybody has blind spots. When Jesus says, “Before you start getting the sawdust speck out of your partner's eye, why don't you get the telephone pole out of yours?” He is, by exaggeration, saying, check yourself out first.

You need to ask, “Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being over-sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?” Before you get involved in dealing with your spouse, you first need to talk to God, and then honestly look at yourself and admit what problems you're bringing to the table.

The number one excuse for divorce is, "We're just incompatible." That has an innocent, no fault sound to it, but leading experts on marriage have said this about the issue of compatibility:

• Dr. Paul Tournier, the Swiss psychiatrist who wrote To Understand Each Other (Westminster John Knox Press, 2000): "So called incompatibility is a myth invented by jurists in order to plead for divorce. It is likewise a common excuse for people to hide their own weaknesses and failings. Misunderstandings and mistakes can be corrected when there is a willingness to do so. The problem is the lack of complete frankness." And I'd add inflexibility.
  
• Dr. Arch Hart, who's spoken at Saddleback, says, "If people can be divorced for incompatibility, I cannot conceive why all of us are not divorced."

Marriage is a life-long process of overcoming your differences. The Bible says, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and there is no truth in us." 1 John 1:8 (TEV) Each of us has an infinite capacity for self-deception. I can blame you for all my problems. But the fact is - it's not incompatibility. It's selfishness and an unwillingness to change. Let's call it what it is.

Convene a peace conference
Conflict does not resolve itself. It must be dealt with intentionally and deliberately. Conflict gets worse when you leave it alone. Hearts grow hardened, positions get solidified, and bridges crumble beyond repair. You have to intentionally deal with the conflict.

The Bible is very specific about this. Jesus says, "So if you are about to place your gift on the altar and remember that someone is angry with you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. Make peace with that person, then come back and offer your gift to God." (Matt. 5:23-24, CEV)  It is impossible to worship with bitterness in your heart and unresolved conflict with others.

Jesus says don't ignore your conflict. Deal with the issue while you can deal with it. If you've got something wrong with somebody or they've got something wrong with you, God says you go to them and resolve it.

When? At once. Postponed conflict only gets worse.

Another verse in the Bible says, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Eph. 4:26, NIV)  I think that means 24 hours would be a maximum amount of time you should let something go unresolved. You need to do it as soon as possible, before it festers and turns into bitterness.

Consider your mate’s perspective
You can’t just look at your own viewpoint, your own situation; you have to look at your spouse's viewpoint as well. This is very difficult because it's not natural. It is not natural for me to look at life from Kay's viewpoint. It is not natural for me to look at life from your viewpoint.

This requires an intentional shift where I have to change my focus from looking at my needs to looking at your needs. It takes God to guide you through such an intentional shift. It is a mental shift that does not happen naturally, but it's a necessary part of resolving conflict.

The secret of resolving conflict is understanding where people are coming from - When you understand where people are coming from, it's so much easier. The better you understand your spouse, the less conflict you're going to have with him or her, because you know how to deal with him or her.

What's the best way to learn about someone, the best way to begin to understand him or her? Simply listen!

Listen to your spouse more than you talk. This, again, is not easy for many of us; I know it's not easy for me. Some of us get so anxious to make our point, to tell our side, to defend ourselves; we don't even stop to listen to what the other person is saying or their point-of-view. It's like the old cliché - "We must seek to understand before seeking to be understood."

The Bible says in Philippians 2:4, "Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own." (TEV) The word “look” in Greek is scopos. It's like a scope on a rifle or a microscope. It means pay attention. You are most like Christ when you ask, "What are her/his needs and how can I meet them?"

When you're angry, you're preoccupied with yourself. But when you're like Christ, you look to each other's interests and not merely your own. One of the most powerful peace making statements is when you say to your husband/wife, "I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself."

Concentrate on reconciliation, not resolution
There's a very important difference. Reconciliation means to re‑establish the relationship. Resolution means to resolve every issue by coming to agreement on everything. That's not going to happen.

You'll discover there are some things you're never going to agree on. I don't care if you both love the Lord and are both dramatically in love with each other – there are some things you're never going to agree on simply because God has wired us differently.

You're not going to agree with everything your mate believes or thinks. But you can disagree without being disagreeable. That's called wisdom. The Bible says, "... wisdom ... is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others." (James 3:17, LB)

The Bible says it's wise to compromise. You can have unity without uniformity. You can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye. You can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue.

Some of you are worn out from the conflict in your marriage. You want to throw in the towel. Don't do it! It is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. Kay and I were once ready to throw in the towel in the first few years of our marriage, but we took it to God and we got good, godly counsel. If we had given up back then, there would be no Saddleback, no purpose-driven ministry, and no Purpose-Driven Life.

Imagine what God has planned for you and your spouse as you learn to resolve your conflicts and take your marital expectations to our Heavenly Father.

Let me end with a couple of suggestions:

Some of you may need to get professional help - Just because you’re in ministry doesn’t mean you can handle this alone. Many marriages are miserable, and they go year-after-year with the same old problems because each spouse is too proud to go get help. Don’t go to just anybody. Get a godly counselor who bases his/her practice on God’s Word.

The other thing you need to do is get help from God - You can't do this on your own. I've seen the things I've mentioned above work in marriage after marriage, including my own, however, you will need Christ's power to work them.

Many marriage conflicts would be solved overnight if both the husband and wife would kneel before Jesus Christ and say, "We humble ourselves and humbly ask you to make this thing work. We submit our egos to you and our hurts to you. Jesus Christ, do what only you can do."

Until next week,

This message is based on the sermon, "Pull together when you’re pulled apart."