The Shawshank Suspension

Just like Andy Dufresne I as well have been unfairly sentenced, but instead of life in prison from a judge in Maine the Gawker courts laid down a three day suspension which prevents me from posting until tomorrow. So when trying to decide on who would be the perfect replacement to keep this site streamlined and on topic for a native "raised Irish Catholic now agnostic Midwesterner" that moved to New York City three years ago it was overwhelmingly obvious to choose an Orthodox Jew that has lived in New York her entire life. The views and opinions expressed below are those solely of Magic Jewball inc. and are not necessarily those of this site.

Hey, it’s Becca from Magic Jewball here. Why? Because Mid can’t blog. I have him tied up in my basement. He’s right next to the Clinton-era monitor that the super seems allergic to actually putting out on the street. No, seriously, it’s because Gawker told him not to. Now that I think about it, the first scenario actually seems more logical. But really, I think I’m just jealous. See, I can’t even get Gawker to look at my blog. It’s gotten so bad that when I guest-blogged on ThisIsWhatWeDoNow, they chose to link to the guest-post right before mine. I mean, I realize in being a steady Gawker reader that Jews are over but come on!

I know, it seems pathetic to want to be featured on something that combines the word blog with uncontrollable evacuation, but I long to wake up one day and see that sweet, sweet spike in my stats program that means either I got the Gawker nod or that I wrote something so wonderful about Macs that I’ve been Dugg by 3,000 fanboys. So I’ve tried to come up with some reasons why Gawker has snubbed me.

1. No gimmick, such as being all about Duane Reade hate or pretending I’m Jewish when I’m not.

2. Not enough descriptions of fancy drinks, sex acts, and/or hip clubs.

3. Not enough lists (I’m thinking this won’t count).

4. Upper West Side bias (remember, the Jews are over).

5. Maybe I just suck.

6. Maybe I don’t suck enough.

At first I thought shutting up and pretending not to notice would do the trick but then I saw others wave their hands in the air and yell “Me Me Me!” and it would work. Or, new blogs would appear (coughthisonecough) and immediately get the link. As I sat home and cried, I tried to console myself with the fact that Blogorrhea is often not all that complimentary. But I wanted to be insulted and banned from blogging by Gawker! I’ve even done the same thing as Mid here and I got to keep my $37.75. Without Gawker telling me I’m full of clichés, how am I ever going to learn how to blog about New York City in the proper fashion? Come on, Gawker Media, how many Wonka bars do I need to open to get the golden ticket? I mean, I’m already #2 on the MWiNYC commenter rankings, what more proof of my worth do you need?

But enough about me. Maybe I should let Mid out of the basement. And while we’re at it, perhaps if everyone would bribe him with $5 to move up the commenter rankings we could get this whole Gawker fine straightened out. Sadly, he didn’t give me the password to get in here so I can’t put a PayPal widget in his sidebar. But I’ll cover the last $2.75. And people think Jews are cheap!

And now, back to my matzah and sad, sad rankings bar graph.