| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| selfwilly |
Posted - Sep 12 2004 : 8:24:53 PM
Finding this message board has been good for me-I'm one of those people that got sick of being sick, and after many false starts finally got clean, fell into the AA thing, participated and went to meetings for years, then slowly faded completely away from my recovery support system. Honestly, i haven't been to a meeting in over 3 years.I haven't felt the obsession to use, but i haven't felt quite right either. kinda blue, a little anxiety, isolation. One thing i found out again here, was that just to make a connection with like minded individuals all in varying stages of this sickness, can make all the difference in the world. by helping i am helped, by being helped i help.
i didn't use today- i was too busy visiting friends(its been a while!!) and thinking about what others have posted and making hopefully positive suggestions-hell this little document has taken about an hour. i think my typing is about up to 9 words a minute. if i use i might drop back to 5 words and that wouldn't be progress. if i worked as an newspaper editor the world would probably be a happier place!ANYWAY so i actually spent a coupla hours today just thinking about recovery.its a couple hours more than the whole preceding month before i found this board. And its helped keep me clean!
AT ANY RATE- please tell us how you stayed clean, after all this time i still need to hear the reasons no matter how bizaar, if ya had to have someone chain you to a post!! it might be tomorrows plan!!-or i'll forget! i'm burnt! i'm NOT out of the woods.....thanks anyone who made it through this mad rambling-stay clean-charlie
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| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| selfwilly |
Posted - Sep 03 2005 : 09:21:48 AM
hi all, hope everyone is doing well. have a safe, clean and serene holiday weekend-i think i'll do the usual..work! what else?! charlie |
| ashley80 |
Posted - Sep 02 2005 : 12:06:47 PM
HMT, I hope you are feeling ok today. I tend to get defensive....something I need to work on, I guess. I need to worry less about what others say and think about me and be more accountable to myself. Ah, well, years of therapy, and I still need work!
However you are coping with the pain, my friend, I hope that it gives you some peace. Now I am hearing that jonesing dope fiends have taken over the streets of New Orleans, armed and looking for a fix. (Listen to interview w Mayor Nagin)
Sad what is going on this country right now. It is shameful.
Ashley
Michael S., I can certainly relate to what you said about trying to learn to live with limitations. I struggle with that too, and my inability to accept my limitations has caused me to relapse on painkilllers numerous times. It is with great difficulty that I now limit myself to only what I can comfortably do. So, just wanted you to know that I do understand your sense of loss about this.
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| Michael S |
Posted - Sep 02 2005 : 12:01:52 PM
Thanks Kenny and Ashley for the responses. I'm trying to challenge my own thinking here. And the last thing I want to be is a stumblingblock to others here trying to get and/or stay clean. I used logic in my decision to use opiates to control pain and improve my quality of life. I used logic to get off the stuff when it was obvious that being dependent on the drug to avoid withdrawal with increasing doses becoming a monthly occurence would soon ruin me financially. Anyway, back to square one. I can agree, Kenny, in one way the pain seems lessened but in another way I feel very limited again.
My VA pain management doctor says my goals in life are unrealistic for a 47 year old with orthopedic injuries and subsequent osteo-arthritis problems. Perhaps he is right. He's a good guy and always tried to temper my use of hydrocodone by telling me to use it only when absolutely necessary. I made the mistake of disregarding his advice and going on a regular daily schedule of hydro dosing through a pain clinic that believes in daily use of opiates for pain.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Perhaps I need to reassess where I'm at in life as far as physical abilities go and accept the obvious instead of trying to think I can be like everyone else who can run, jump, do heavy lifting, etc. Perhaps the desire to be what I cannot needs to be tempered or gotten rid of all together. |
| how many times |
Posted - Sep 02 2005 : 11:50:14 AM
Hi All, I do not have any idea where this is going just that I thought I'd check in because my sanity seems to be waning.I too have a chronic pain issue its not really bad but its always there and leads me to thinking its alright to take some pills " after all I have cancer"!My soul knows its wrong and sometimes wins out over my head.Other times I allow pain to exist.Let me explain.I treat the pain from cancer as a separate being sharing the same body.I allow pain to have my body some days and others my body is mine.Its alot like lying to myself that its OK to use.As time goes on I find it easier to handle the pain by lying to myself that the pain isn't too bad.Told you I wasn't to sane today.But it works and that what counts.Right.Ashley I'm sorry you're feeling the pain of lonliness I know it plays a major role in you're life.That and the ol' man blues."And you keep on screaming at me"lala lala la.Lonliness and depression another thread.Charlie every time I read what you are doing I get tired you've come such a long way.My hat goes off to you.And tom all a good night.Keep the faith.HMT |
| ashley80 |
Posted - Sep 02 2005 : 10:43:54 AM
Michael,
I'm well aware of the difference between an addict (like me) and someone who is physically dependent on pain meds but who does not abuse them. On this forum, when we talk about "Staying Clean" we are talking as addicts. Addicts have obsessive thoughts about using. Be thankful that you do not. It would complicate your already difficult situation.
And, for the record, being a "very mature and self controlled individual" has nothing to do with it. I know some people might disagree, but most of us (addicts) here have acknowledged that we are somehow wired differently from "normal" people. I won't get into the whole "It's a disease - it's not a disease" debate. It doesn't really matter what you call it.
I hope that you are able to get the pain relief you need. Kenny had some good thoughts along those lines, about the morphine. I've heard others with pain issues recommend the same thing. Give it some thought. All the best to you!
Ashley
PS, Hope all of you have a great, safe, happy, SOBER holiday!!! |
| jonsinhard57 |
Posted - Sep 01 2005 : 9:13:23 PM
Michael...
I can truly relate to the pain issues...Have you considered anything besides hydro ?? You may want to consider low doses of morphine to kill the pain...I went that route one time and only stopped cause it didn't give me the "buzz" that oxy's or percs or vikes did...It was real good for pain relief though....For me ?? I choose not to be dependant on anything or anyone but me at this stage of my life, no matter what the pain...funny thing is,my pain is LESS now being 3 months free of opiates than when I was on 200 mg of oxycontin a day..think about it Bro...don't try to rationalize it...just think....I think you KNOW which way to go here...it's just a bitch to admit it to yourself....
All the best,
Kenny |
| Michael S |
Posted - Sep 01 2005 : 7:18:00 PM
quote:
I'm philosophical today! A friend told me about getting a pain RX for his wisdom teeth. And, for the first time in a long time, it didn't trigger a chain of obsessive thoughts. Progress, I hope.
Ashley
Ashley, I find it interesting that you and it seems many others here would get the obsessive thoughts about opiates. I'm now 28 days without hydro and I can say that I haven't had any craving for the stuff for any other reason than to get rid of the real pain I live with on a regular basis. I agree that the disattached feeling or the numbness you spoke of is gone but the pain of injuries past has returned. Quite honestly, I am still asking myself the question of what is worse. I hate being in pain but I also hated being dependent on the opiate to avoid withdrawal. There has to be a happy medium here for legitimate pain patients who really do take the opiate for pain reduction. I know, most people here will think that I've taken a step backwards but today I sent an email to the VA Patient Advocate demanding that the VA treat my pain issues and make hydrocodone available to me in very small amounts and for only acute situations of which I have a few each month. I'm not sure if I'm in a mode of confession here or if I'm looking for negative feedback to challenge my own position on this. But then again, I just think that like with almost anything in life, opiates can be useful or they can be abused. It obviously takes a very mature and self controlled individual to avoid the abuse from happening. I'm glad you're feeling better about life. For me, I'm back to that lack of confidence feeling due to the chronic pain which hinders me from doing the things I really need to be doing. |
| how many times |
Posted - Sep 01 2005 : 09:16:26 AM
HI All, Whats keeping me clean is the pure joy I'm deriving from a new dawn where I seek the depths of a new relationship.Again find something more important than dope.Not an easy task but well worth the effort.Ashley,Mike,Charlie and everyone keep the faith.HMT |
| ashley80 |
Posted - Aug 30 2005 : 1:56:33 PM
Ah, I remember the first day of kindergarten, then first grade, then high school, then, Boom! graduation. It all goes so fast. Treasure the moments. (Gosh this sounds sappy!)
I miss my daughter, well, both of them, really. But they call every day (looking for $$$) so that helps. In many ways, I long for the day when they are truly (financially) independent, but yet, I dread it, too.
Life is full of bittersweet stuff. It's funny (or not) now that I am really "here" to feel all of the emotions, I really regret the years I was numb. I may have avoided (postponed) some pain, but I missed out on a lot of joy.
I'm philosophical today! A friend told me about getting a pain RX for his wisdom teeth. And, for the first time in a long time, it didn't trigger a chain of obsessive thoughts. Progress, I hope.
Ashley
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| blonde bombshell |
Posted - Aug 30 2005 : 04:46:00 AM
Dear spinal,
letting go is always the hardest. I remember day one of Shay's kindergarden, I hung around so long I had to be told to leave several times. i was stalking her in the hallways. It is not easy letting them grow up no matter what age you are at. it is a constant letting go process. But, to raise decent, independant, wonderful children into adults that is what we have to do. And do it we will. You are just starting the procedure, it is wonderful and painful all at the same time, just like life!!!!
Many blessings to you Spinal, keep fighting for your daughters sake.
Teri |
| spinal_fusion |
Posted - Aug 29 2005 : 6:55:24 PM
ashley and teri - you guys are out of my league ... i just dropped my almost five year old off this morning for his first day of kindergarden. the teacher had to say "you should probably go now".
which is harder, hanging on or letting go?
"turn that damn thing on down"
jimi hendrix, electric ladyland |
| blonde bombshell |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 3:16:56 PM
Hey all,
Glad to see everyone is going pretty good these days.
ashley--i dont think i will handle my daughter going off to college very well at all. I can barely handle her going to high school this year. She was around all summer and i really miss her right now, the house seems so quite anyway will about 3:30 pm. I cant imagine her not around the house at all. i was trying to talk her into community college (just kidding around with her) she didnt go for it. She did say she would go to college close enough to bring her laundry home and mooch off me for food. Thats ok with me. She is my one and only and I love her so much it hurts. She is at that age where she is starting to pull away from me, I understand it has to happen for her to grow up but it hurts..
So I understand how much your heart hurts. I know you will adjust but it isnt easy. Stay as strong as you are. Glad you are still clean and doing well. Good to see you around more.
Hey charlie--wow I thought we were hot here in the midwest it has been hot and dry all summer....we have cooled down this week to a comfortable 78 degrees. Love it!!!
take care and blessings to you all.
Teri |
| ashley80 |
Posted - Aug 24 2005 : 11:29:14 AM
Congrats, again, Charlie. I replied on your other thread too.
HMT it is good to see you posting again. 99? Ugh. It was 59 degrees here when I woke up this morning. Nice.
My daughter is going back to college this week....and I am already sad. It has been wonderful having her home for the summer, perhaps for the last time. Argh...my eyes are wet just thinking about it. I am not looking forward to an empty house.
Oh well...I still have the dogs. And I plan to do some traveling. And my job has been keeping me busy, as well. I am going to start going to meetings again. I kind of took the summer off. Probably not a good idea, although I haven't used, or even wanted to, really.
Here's what has worked for me, recently: When I get a thought about using (see a UPS truck, drive past a doc's office or pharmacy, etc.) I just say to myself "Shut UP!" And I try to recognize that the using thought is merely a conditioned response to a stimuli, and that I don't have to act on it. Then I try to distract myself as quickly as possible, with thoughts of something pleasant. It's working, so far.
Hugs to all my Staying Clean buds.
Ashley
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| how many times |
Posted - Aug 23 2005 : 5:25:43 PM
Hi All,I too have had trouble with the error message signal,but only on this thread.Charlie, I'm so glad things are realtively well at your job.As many have stated previously occupying your time with something else is a quatum leap.Not to much to share except I'm chillin in 99 degree weather.I too miss your enlightened insight Ashley.However I do understand why you may choose not to post. Love asnd keep the faith.HMT |
| pmallen4 |
Posted - Aug 23 2005 : 2:23:26 PM
Charlie,
I've had similar problems and gotten the same error message over the past several days, so I'm sure it's a forum problem, and not your computer or mine. Fortunately, when it's happened, it so far has only lasted an hour or so, then everything seemed to work fine again. Next time it happens, I will email Doc and Spring.
Mike
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| selfwilly |
Posted - Aug 23 2005 : 1:44:44 PM
thanks mike-
question-is anyone having trouble with the forum loading?, seems that it's getting to the point where i can't get on 50% of the time, or when i do i can only get the home page and maybe get to a topic,but no further.forum gives me a time out error msg. i've recently done pc maintenance and everything seems fine from my end. right now things are functioning but earlier today it was no go. have had this prob with it on and off for a while now. |
| pmallen4 |
Posted - Aug 23 2005 : 01:39:10 AM
Congratulations on 11 years, Charlie. Post when you can. You are missed when you're not around.
Mike
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| selfwilly |
Posted - Aug 23 2005 : 12:37:36 AM
although at this point it feels anticlimactic, i'll have reached 11 years, tomorrow the 24th of august, but since i'll be back working my absurd hours i'm not sure if i'll post for a while..
all i can say is that if i can do it so can you!
rene-balance is as elusive to me as it ever was! i'm convinced balance is for scales, not people.
everyone be well and good night-charlie |
| pmallen4 |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 10:45:36 PM
Renee,
Sometimes, ranting is what gets me through. It's definately what I do best. Whatever works today.
Mike
-We can do this. |
| spinal_fusion |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 7:52:42 PM
nice going getting that week under your belt startingover - work is great therapy if you can keep the stress down. hope you're keeping busy doing something pleasant on your days off. stay away from that couch if you can. my couch is satan's pulpit. peace.
"turn that damn thing on down"
jimi hendrix, electric ladyland |
| startinover |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 7:30:36 PM
well, I have worked six days straight, longer hours than usual, and I am so exhausted, both physically and mentally.
I wanted to get back to work, as soon as I could after my Mom died, and I am glad I did. I think I am dealing with not only physical tiredness, but on top of that the emotional mess-fallout from having someone so close die.
I have the next two days off from work, but I a couple appointments that will necessitate me running around the city.
I really need some down time, to rejuvinate myself. I don't want/need time to mope but I really do need some time to, to, - well I am not sure, but I need to find a balance here. btw balance in my life is something I AM NOT too familiar with. Not that it is a surprise, is it now. I am sure most of those posting here can identify with a lack of balance in life-even when clean!
thanks for giving me a place to rant
I am doing ok,
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| blonde bombshell |
Posted - Aug 22 2005 : 12:16:18 AM
Dear Kathryn,
you may want to do another post on the suboxone side of the board, you will recieve many more responses over there. People on that site have a lot of experience with sub and can give you some good advise and help you decide the best way to go . I wish you luck in getting clean and I will check up on you in a day or so to make sure you are getting the help you need. Welcome to the forum, we are all here to help you. Blessings.
Teri |
| micimo |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 4:20:53 PM
Hi Kathryn-
Please don't get discouraged that nobody has responded. Couple things: 1) the board is often slow on the weekends, and 2) if you start a new thread, many more people will see it. You can click on "new topic" above, and say something like " New here, questions about Suboxone", or something like that. That way, I'll bet you'll get more responses.
Suboxone is an opiate agonist/antagonist, and was approved a couple years ago for opiate dependency. As to who should, and who shouldn't, it's really an individual thing. It generally is indicated if the patient has tried other means to get and stay clean, but keeps relapsing. Even then, there are other considerations. If I were you, I'd hop in the website www.suboxone.com and read as much as you can about it.
Then, ask questions and we'll do our best to help you. Scores of ppl here have been/ or are exactly where you are now. So, don't be scared, be hopeful. I know, easier said than done, but it's true. Anti-depressants are generally not prescribed until one is off opiates for awhile, cuz depression is absolutely part of detox and early recovery. It's possible that's why none have given you relief. It takes time for the brain chemicals to return to normal.
Why can't you tell hubby,btw?
Anyhow, wanted to welcome you, and at least give you a little direction. Looking forward to hearing more from you. Take care, Mic
"It takes what it takes" |
| kathryn |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 01:58:06 AM
I am new here and so far this sight has given me a lot of hope. Can someone explain to me what suboxone is and who should try it and who shouldn't? I have decided to get off hydro's but every time I fail. Mainly because of the terrible depression. Any advie on what steps to take next?My husband and family don't know and can't. I have tapered down enormously but I am dreading stopping completly. Also any advice on anti-depressants while coming off hydro's? I've tried all of them and don't seem to like any. I'm glad I found this message board because this is the first time that I have felt confident that i can kick this habbit. |
| pmallen4 |
Posted - Aug 20 2005 : 12:07:28 AM
I've never seen anyone disparaged on this forum because they started using again. That's when we need to be here the most. This is not a place for "well" people. It's a place for people who are trying to get and stay clean one day at a time. I still recieve much support, encouragement, and strength from the people here. The "well" ones, and the struggling ones. Somedays are still a struggle for me. Fortunately, they do seem to be getting a little less frequent.
-We can do this. |
| spinal_fusion |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 10:45:55 PM
p4 - i understand that you 'move on' from this type of forum once your life is rolling again. it's inacurrate for you to say you've not contributed because i've been reading your posts for over a year now. i plead guilty to being the lurker ... i just didn't feel right about posting once i was using again, which has been the case for most of the last year. ironically, it's those who're moving on that 'user' forums and aa type meetings need guidance from the most.
"turn that damn thing on down"
jimi hendrix, electric ladyland |
| pmallen4 |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 1:39:03 PM
Hi All.
Nice to see some newer members posting here and some older ones coming back. I still read the forum every day. I don't post as often as I used to for several reasons. One reason is that, like Charlie, after about 10 months or so, away from opiates, I'm starting to get a life back. Also, I think there is value in newer people who are going through similar experiences of withdrawal sharing their experiences and supporting each other. I often don't think there is much I can add except to repeat or reinforce what others have already said. Most importantly, since I got drunk once and drank and took valium once, I've realized I don't have all the answers. It still is and always will be one day at a time for me. Actually, after almost a year as a forum member, I still recieve far more from it than I probably give. All we have to offer each other is our experience, strength, and hope.
All I can add, is, never give up. Ever. If something isn't working for you, try something else.
Thank everyone for posting, sharing, and helping me get through these days.
Mike
-We can do this. |
| selfwilly |
Posted - Aug 19 2005 : 12:52:47 PM
totally jealous of all those going on vacation! i had my 3 month sojourn last year and i think it ruined me for life!
the beast will whisper for a while, but you don't have to listen, hard i know. start to fill your life with positive activity. try new things, it's just amazes me to no end how, once clean, my mind slowly turned into a sponge just wanting to know and try everything! boredom is something i havent experienced in a long time. life and living slowly took over that craving for drugs, and i know it comes down to two choices, throw away the life i have now and use, or keep what i have and continue onward. i spent way to long stuck in the heroin trap. insanity.........the choice was clear.
have a good one-charlie |
| spinal_fusion |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 10:10:47 PM
hello all you "clean" people. thanks for bringing this thread back to life self willy. ashley - i can totally relate to the vacation thing - i'm going away tomorrow for a four day fishing trip and pavloff's bell is a tolling for me right now.
j57 - i'm a week or so behind you and i can't deny the cravings are getting a little intense.
startingover - i'm glad that you have that first day of work under your belt and that it went well. essential to keep ourselves occupied.
my naltrexone patch is expiring with my 7th week clean tomorrow - though i'm sure it doesn't turn off like a switch. i've got some hard weeks ahead i can tell. the beast is starting to whisper again. i've started seeing a therapist, but i don't think that's going to get it done. guess i'm going to have to get to those meetings.
"turn that damn thing on down"
jimi hendrix, electric ladyland |
| startinover |
Posted - Aug 18 2005 : 12:06:23 AM
hi all!
well, today was my first day back at work-and it felt great! Like I was in the land of the living-and crazy-again.
I need to work, to keep busy-so I don't, hopefully fall into a negative place stemming from my mom's death.
It still feels like some sort of dream or nightmare.
good for me! Ha! |
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