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startinover
member
Canada
290 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 27 2005 : 10:36:47 AM
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hi again,
been a while since I posted.
Well, I used some ativan the yesterday. Wasn't sleeping, and friend dropped off a couple. That's been the worst of my chemical use. That is good for me.
It is great to read all the postings.
Feeling a bit under the weather. And, this is wierd for me, the thought of using really just turns my stomach.
That is unusual for me. Because whether using or not the thought has not been a turnoff.
Mike, good to have you back, and as you well know, you do not have to continue just because you had a couple beers.
take care all,
renee |
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 27 2005 : 12:51:58 PM
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Hey guys,
Ashley--the hard parts starts now. I am not saying this to bring you any kind of fear but to bring you strength to dig deep into yourself.
If you can make it through the next couple of weeks you will be surprised at the outcome. There seem to be thrushholds with recovery, for me the first thrushhold happened at about 4-5 weeks, then again at 3-4 months, and again at about 9 months. For me recovery has been longer than most because of other circumstances...age, out of shape, going thru the change, kids, marriage problems, business problems, etc. So, I think my recovery has taken longer than most.
I am praying for you. Please hold on, every day will get better and better it just may take a while to get to that point. As always you are in my prayers and thoughts.
Mike--Welcome back...you were missed. Glad to see you back sooner than expected. So what you had a beer or two on ONE DAY. As we spoke before, sometimes when you get comfortable is when you slip up. It was just a small slip up and its over. Like kissing and ugly girl, you dont have to do it again. You know I love you man.
I stayed clean this week helping other people, sometimes when we take our minds and hearts off ourselves and put it on others it makes our struggles seem small and easier to overcome.
A QUOTE FROM A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR... Sometimes you don't need to know why....you just need to know God.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Teri
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ashley80
member
USA
2930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2005 : 2:08:11 PM
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Thanks Teri, the fact that I have a long road ahead of me is somewhat scary, but I try to stay in today as much as possible. And today is not too bad...much better than one week ago, that's for sure! MUCH better.
I'm still trying to be very alert for random cravings...they scare me, too. So easy to let them in your head, then they take on a life of their own. Thanks for your prayers and support, everyone.
Ashley
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Edited by - ashley80 on Jan 27 2005 2:09:15 PM |
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 27 2005 : 2:37:18 PM
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Dear Ash,
The fact that you are feeling much better now than a week ago gives me great hope for you. Your road may not be as long as you think. One thing I have found is that EVERYONE is different when trying to recover from addiction. It may take one person a month or two and another a year and a half. I think our bodies or so different when it comes to healing. I dont completely understand why but it seems to be the reality. That is why I always try to explain that MY circumstances I feel are more extreme (lucky me). I know John (bup4pain) also had a long recovery. I think most recover (atleast to a manageable level) within a couple of months.
My girlfriend (who went back to methadone for a few months) is so far ahead of me and she just got off sub less than a month ago. It doesnt seem far somehow, but, then again when is life fair.
As far as the overwhelming feeling of WANTING TO USE...that is a whole different subject. Ofcourse, I use the power of prayer, my faith in Christ and the Bible to overcome my feelings of wanting to use. That is my answer for everything in my life. It always comes back to a "Higher" source, I believe. I wish you would give it a try, never know it might work. Stranger things have happened. But for now, my faith in you and for you will need to be enough.
just know even if you dont believe in Christ...He believes in you and so do I. With deep respect. love,
Teri |
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how many times
member
USA
102 Posts |
Posted - Jan 27 2005 : 6:27:41 PM
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| Hi All, The last few days are some of the most enlightening,frightening and satisfing I've had in along time.The entire gamit of human emotions have been experienced.Well almost.The courage and trust of Atlanta is beyond belief.Fear of failure eats at me.Then I look into her eyes .She's given me total controll of our future.I wont fail us. The alternative ...........Our plan has been altered somewhat.After a debate (doctors,Atlanta,me and several other interested parties)it was decided any and all heroin is out.Sub is in.In also is colonedine,motrin rebaxol and a bunch of others.My septic system is the recipiant of 1/2 ounce of what she brought.There is a gram left.Neither of us has touched it.I'm not going to push that issue right now.Atlanta is sitting at my side with shellshock,fear hope and love in her head and heart.We're not looking forward to the next few days as we both know what to expect.Right now she's abit to emotional to post .She will.We're occuping our time with as little emphasis on rehab as possible.There's more to this than simply kicking a dope habit.Ya, simply.There's that fear in her eyes again.Gotta go. Thanks to everyone for your support.One more thing.When Atlanta does post I want her to have a spot on the board that all of you will go to.All with the exception of me.I want her to have a place where she can open up without worrying about my opinion.Hope this is making sense.I need input as to where you think that should be?I've given her my word I'll never pry.Keep the faith.HMT |
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 27 2005 : 8:41:56 PM
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Dear HMT,
You dumped part of it...why not all of it? If you have it...you will use it...guaranteed. What is the plan with suboxone? Have you contacted any doctors yet? You need a plan and you need to discuss it, if not now...soon.
There is no easy answer to addiction. But, with a good plan, conviction and prayer you CAN DO THIS. I have a good friend that kicked a 15 year herion habit, but she really really wanted it more than anything else in the world. IT CAN BE DONE.
I hope you both will get the help you need. I wish you the very best.
Teri |
Edited by - BlondeBomb on Jan 27 2005 8:44:38 PM |
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how many times
member
USA
102 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2005 : 12:51:03 PM
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| Hi All,Sorry I'd thought I'd posted our plan.Its been a sleepless nite.Atlanta has gone on sub and its not working very well.Oxys and valium will be used.We've eliminated without using over a half ounce of herion.I'm taking valium thats all right now.We've got doctors and support.Sorry this is so short but I've got hands full.I love you all and need you more than you'll know.Keep the faith.HMT |
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ashley80
member
USA
2930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2005 : 7:46:50 PM
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HMT...you've got mail. Sorry I was gone all day. Don't switch to oxy now...add more sub, it WILL WORK....did you wait for withdrawal before starting the sub???? The sub will block the oxy, and will complicate the transition....
Day 16...and holding steady. Too soon to celebrate. But I'm happy.
Ashley
PS, HMT, there is no way to isolate Atlanta's posts from you without blocking out most of the other board members. I think, when she is ready, she should start her own "thread" in one of the forums, and you will have to agree not to read it. That's the best I can think of right now, after a looonnnnnnnng day.
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Edited by - ashley80 on Jan 28 2005 7:50:45 PM |
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slingblade
member
5494 Posts |
Posted - Jan 28 2005 : 9:53:16 PM
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I cut and pasted this from today's J4T reading because this is the only way it works for me:
"Just for today: I am an addict every day, but today I have the choice
to be a recovering addict. I will make that choice by practicing my
program."
While I'm not currently attending meetings, (excuses abound) I do work a daily program that most 12-steppers would aprove of. My sponsors, for now, are here, but, I'm becoming more and more aware of the need for F2F support.
Mike
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Edited by - slingblade on Jan 30 2005 03:18:26 AM |
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startinover
member
Canada
290 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2005 : 01:08:23 AM
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hi all
another night and I am having trouble falling asleep. So here I am.
Not trying to accumulate sympathy here, but I do need to 'talk'.
Drugs do a fine friend not make. I hope that makes sense. Or at the very least I hope my point is being made.
I have turned a corner in my usage. It is becoming increasingly boring, and less useful.
I am so desperately lonely and alone, that as I said earlier to a friend it is palpable. I can almost 'see' it.
You know what I see when I look around me?
Nothing!
Okay, yes, I have a son, and my friends have not abandoned me, for the most part, the nothingess is what I have (not) made of my life since I picked up.
I do not want to talk about using in particular, for now. I know that is coming to an end. It is becoming less and less useful.
And I don't want anyone to tell me that it is never useful-Iknow that. Yet, addicts use because it does fulfill some purpose, some use, no matter how distorted.
What I am trying to say here is that is no longer working.
And I am not at the point where I can be happy about that either. I feel terrible afraid, alone, and useless right now.
As a woman who has just left her '40's I cringe at the reality of what is out there for me. In many ways. Men, a relationship, love, work? Society speaks of the difficulty of any female over the age of 35 finding love. So, what me?
Yes, I'm scared. I'm sad and angry.
In my clean time, I use to speak of the time during change, when (and I use the metaphor of being on a flying trapeeze)
When I had left the safety of one trapeeze, but had not yet grabbed the next. I was in mid air.
That is how I feel today/tonight. I am in the process of leaving the comfort or at least the knowing of using to the unknowing of what will come next.
I know it will be better. I just don't know what it will look like or when it will start. Boy, for a writer, I don't feel I am doing myself or the art justice here.
Who the heck cares?
I feel like a walking question mark.
thanks for your patience
renee |
Edited by - startinover on Jan 29 2005 01:10:54 AM |
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SoWeak
member
Canada
39 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2005 : 02:29:31 AM
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Startinover,
Opiate abuse makes one depressed!
I was on a high dose of anti-depressants which had worked well for me for years but my perc abuse seemed to negate the positive effects of the anti-d's, leaving me both addicted and depressed. It only seems reasonable to me that the same or even worse depression is inevitable if you aren't on anti-d's!
And it's not an "honest" depression as might stem from an actual life catastrophe (like a death in the family or losing a job) it's depression stemming from a chemically-tortured and confused brain. The good news seems to be that when the brain is allowed to adjust to the absence of opiates such depression should diminish.
I too obsessed over the thoughts of "gloom and doom" which faced me when I wasn't high enough. But when I finally kicked and and got through the w/d my thoughts eventually grew brighter and my ability to cope with normal life grew stronger. It has been getting better for me and it will for you.
Please allow yourself to take heart,Startinover:
It really does get better eventually! |
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slingblade
member
5494 Posts |
Posted - Jan 29 2005 : 8:22:15 PM
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This happened one day last week:
The old knock on the door and county sheriff standing there. New Years Eve I took a gun away from a harmless drunk and police were called. I was thanked. But now, it comes up - I owe a fine in the next county since 1999. I have 15 days to pay the fine or I go to jail for contempt of court. I sat here pissed for a while then finally decided...I'm just gonna pay the goddam fine. I should have paid it in 1999. No one's fault but my own. Screw it.
Paid the fine yesterday. That's progress for me. Owning and being responsible for past behaviors.
Mike
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 29 2005 : 10:00:34 PM
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Dear Mike,
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. But, you did the right thing by paying the damn thing and gettin it over with. And yes, you are making progress. Do ya think someday "we'll" grow up? Na, let's not push it. Love ya.
Teri |
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startinover
member
Canada
290 Posts |
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jacks
member
USA
75 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2005 : 10:30:01 AM
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SO WEAK
I didnt know opiates made depression worse.
That is yet another thing I wasnt told.
Im in pain yeah but I wont take the pills anymore.
I burned that bridge.
But for one who has suffered some 18 yrs from clinical depression I loved your comment "it's depression stemming from a chemically-tortured and confused brain."
Thanks for that.
It personally meant a lot to me.
Hugs
Jaxie
"Time wounds all Heels"- Groucho Marx |
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ashley80
member
USA
2930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 30 2005 : 5:06:23 PM
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Therapy here often costs up to $180 US per HOUR, and most insurance only covers a very small part of it. Substance abuse treatment is covered even less...usually at a fraction of other treatments and only for a couple weeks of treatment. It's a sign that our govt. and most employers still view addiction as criminal, rather than as a disease that requires treatment.
Day 18.
Ashley
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Edited by - ashley80 on Jan 30 2005 5:07:44 PM |
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 12:13:14 AM
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Ash--
DAY 18...WOW! I am soooooo proud of you!!! I know you are most likely not feeling like doing backflips right now because you are not feeling well. However, you are getting there. Please try to hang in there for a few more weeks and i think you will see a hugh difference. Every day will be one step closer to your goal of living COMPLETELY drug free. You will have some up and down days but for the most part it will get better on a daily basis. I wish you nothing but wonderful things in your life.
Teri |
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 12:16:16 AM
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I stayed clean today by going to church. Watching a great movie with my family. And re-reading some of my old journals. Wow...I when I re-read some of them I see how far I have come. Thank God for the written word.
Take care and God bless all of you.
Teri |
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ashley80
member
USA
2930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 09:25:23 AM
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One thing that is helping me stay clean is that since I have been posting here about my progress...if I slip, I'll have to admit it to the board. And, I am really feeling much better, although I would kill for a decent night's sleep.
In retrospect, this detox was not that bad. Maybe I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. It took me long enough to get there. I pray that it sticks this time.
Ashley
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 12:52:25 PM
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Ash,
It is not how many times we fall...its how many times we get back up. Maybe you are just tired of falling. I know you can do this. It will better and better each day. My journal helps me so much to see what I have accomplished. If you havent started one...do it today. I wish you blessings and health.
Teri |
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littlebirdie
New Member
19 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 2:12:10 PM
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| Hello everyone! I have been visiting this forum for many months now and feel like I know some of you. Its amazing how different and yet how much the same we all are. I am an addict and have finally made the decision to become clean and live the way God intended for me, instead of the way I would like it to be. I have been steadily using for about 2 years; I am an oncology nurse so you can imagine the kind of drugs that I have access to--my two of choice being IV dilaudid and fentanyl sublingual. I have had to detox quite a few times due to different circumstances beyond my control, but this time I am finally admitting that drugs kick my ass and I have no control whatsoever when it comes to putting chemicals in my body. Three days ago I was hurtin real bad, but am starting to feel better. I wish I could have signed on earlier but there was some trouble with the registration process--reading this forum, about a dozen hot baths a day, and laying in bed with my head under the covers is about the only thing that got me through. Today I was actually able to go out and do some errands but I am back home now feeling weak and vulnerable, so I came here to get some strength and wow, I actually signed on! I have a couple of mantras that I keep repeating to myself, and one of them is "clean is good, and I am getting clean". I am going to become an honest person once again and to quit lying to myself and the rest of the world. My heart goes out to so many of you who have suffered far worse than me, but I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have not been there, and I also know that if I continue to use, I will wind up dead. So thanks for being here for me. |
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ashley80
member
USA
2930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 3:05:59 PM
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Hey, littlebirdie. Welcome! It took a lot of courage for you to brave this detox on your own. I'm glad you finally decided to post. You'll meet some great people here.
Do you have plans to deal with the temptations you will face when you return to work? That seems like it would be an awfully tough situation. But you sound like a very strong person. Congratultions on your progress!
Ashley
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how many times
member
USA
102 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 4:38:23 PM
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| Hi All,Just wanted to give you a quick update.First of neither Atlanta or I have used .For me its been about three weeks and Atlanta is one week in.Atlanta's condition has stabilized on sub,finally,and is taking 4mg three timed a day.Tomorrow we're going to reduce it to 3mg and see what happens.This with valium and tarazadone at night seems to be working out.I'm taking valium as needed.Atlanta is leaning towards using sub for maintenance as it seems like the lesser of two evils.Our future commitments will determin when this decision is to be finalized.We may have as long as two months or as little as three weeks.We'll both have the support of professional help as needed in either case.Ashley,what can I say except,you're doing one hell of a great job ,my hat goes off to you girl.Many thanks for your example and the inspiration you've given us all.Renee,I've tried e-mailing you and dont know if I have your right address.I'm at blackhole1741@yahoo.com.I've got somebody who's very interested in talking with you.Well,I've got some snow plowing to do.Keep the faith.HMT |
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slingblade
member
5494 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 6:06:34 PM
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Hi.
Anyway...Just when I think I am starting to benefit from the almost daily learning that comes from this daily decision to stay clean, and the search for value in daily life...To be honest, I'm bored to death some days with the emptiness of everyday life. When I look to others to fill the void, I'm disappointed every time. What I am learning is that it's not their fault. It's mine. It's up to me to be OK with me, and if I'm not, then I need to get off my ass and do something different. I could easily use today, but I haven't. I REALLY don't belive the lie anymore. I am angry at life in general today, for not progressing on MY schedule. I haven't actually looked at using as an option today. But, I have looked at running away from everyone and everything as an option. I have joked in other posts about Thailand. F*ck everyone, just disappear. I really think about that sometimes. I'm aware that running is still addict behavior, whether I have used or not.
Mike
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BlondeBomb
member
5996 Posts
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Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 7:58:28 PM
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Hey guys,
Welcome Littlebirdie, I am so glad you joined us. It sounds like you are on the road to recovery and you should be very proud of yourself. I asked myself the same question that Ashley asked...how are you gonna handle going back to an invironment where you can get your hands on drugs at any time???? I hope we hear from you soon.
HMT, CONGRATS!!!! I hope you guys stay with it. I know many who have used sub as a maintenance drug and if it is gonna keep you away from your DOC then I say Amen!! I wish you both health and happiness. Take care.
Mike--life can be a major grind. The only way to prevent it is to do something for others and I mean really do something for others. Volunteer at the Aids clinic, or the cancer ward at a hospital or orphanage. Get outside yourself and when you do that you will see how truly lucky you really are. Being drug free is NOT boring. Get that out of your head today. I encourage you to do something different this week...you are stuck in a rut. It is easy to do, life can be extremely tedious HOWEVER, it is up to you to do something about it. I have never known you to be a discouraged person...NOW snap out of it.
You are one of them most remarkable people I have had to the pleasure of knowing. You are just having a bad day, a pity party and angry at "your" timing not working out. It happens to ALL OF US. I know you are a man of faith, maybe it is not your timing but it is God's timing and personally I would rather have Him doing my scheduling than anyone else. I tell you this because I care about you. You have my support and love.
Teri |
Edited by - BlondeBomb on Jan 31 2005 8:46:56 PM |
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ashley80
member
USA
2930 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 8:36:29 PM
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After we've been clean for a while, there is the inevitable feeling of: "Is this all there is?" That one has got to me quite a few times. But it isn't all there is. There is more, and we have to work to find it. I think a big part of it comes out of being connected to something we are passionate about. Not sure what that means for me yet...but we have to stay open.
Don't go to Thailand...we would miss you.
HMT, I'm so glad things are working out. You and Atlanta are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Sub maintenance can be great...allowing us to get on with our lives without the constant cravings to use. Keep us posted.
Ashley
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littlebirdie
New Member
19 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 9:51:42 PM
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I still have 2 more days before I go back to work, so at least by then I will not have the purely physical need to use just function "normally". All I can do is put all my faith and trust in my higher power at the moment when I have that little glass ampule in my hand. If I can make it through one day at work clean, it will be a huge step for me. There are people at work who I can turn to for help so I don't even have to touch the stuff. I am in a recovery program for nurses, and I know some who after years still will not administer narcotics, and have even changed fields to avoid them. I pray to God that I don't have to do that because I really love my work. Even after they busted me they asked me or rather allowed me to come back after treatment, but being the addict that I am, for a year I have found ways around the close monitoring I am under.
Mike, I know exactly how you feel. For some reason 'real life' is not good enough for me, not exciting enough, something missing, and so I chose to enhance it with drugs. Maybe addiction starts before we even use the first time. Am I one of those people that will always need more? I don't think so. I can remember back when I was naive about drugs, I can remember back to a time when I was happy, alive, and in harmony with the world just by being myself. I know that that is the way God intended for me to be, and I believe that I can get back to that person that I was--just a lot older and a lot wiser.
Today I am clean. My strength is returning and I think I may actually sleep tonite!
Jeannie |
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slingblade
member
5494 Posts |
Posted - Jan 31 2005 : 11:07:09 PM
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Hi again All,
I realize my earlier post sounds a little morose. Thailand, LOL, I've always kinda wanted to go to the Moon too. The idea of starting life anew somewhere where NOBODY knows me or expects anything from me appeals to my addict brain though. I think that's fairly common among us. It comes mainly from my impatience. Trying to do things in a responsible manner is new for me. I want what I want when I want it, and I want it all NOW! I don't think God checks my schedule as often as he should. Anyway, there are people I care about. There are things I'm happy about. I'm just not satisfied with the way things are right this minute. Boo-hoo. I hate cry-babies. I'm OK.
Teri, Thanks for your concern and support.
Ash, I promise I won't go to Thailand...I don't think I could make it quite that far on my bike.
HMT, I'm glad you are continuing to post. I hope things continue to go well for you.
Jeannie, Dilaudid IV was my daily DOC for a period of 6 months or more. The withdrawal, while not pleasant, was bearable. More recently, I abused fentanyl by eating the gel out of the patches. Between what I was prescribed, and what I could steal, I was eating 2 or 3 50mcg patches a day for a period of approximately two months. I cold-turkeyed from them and it was the worst opiate withdrawal I've ever experienced. And even then, my WD was mild and short-lived compared to what many people experience WDing from fentanyl. You sound motivated to change. Glad you are here.
WHERES CHARLIE ????????????????????????
Mike
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Edited by - slingblade on Jan 31 2005 11:45:47 PM |
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littlebirdie
New Member
19 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2005 : 04:01:29 AM
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Yes Mike, the fentanyl withdrawl was the worse thing I have ever been through, but this last time I got through it by using other meds to mask the symptoms. It was almost like the morning I ate my last little piece of patch there was no longer any reason for me to live, and I actually wished I was an old old woman who had already lived her whole life and could just go ahead and die, the thought of going on for the rest of the day, not to mention the rest of my life, without being high was just too unbearable, and I understood and could almost identify with people who commit suicide. THAT'S when I realized how ****ed up my thinking had gotten.
7 years ago I lost my sister to cancer (thats when I discovered opiates because I cleaned out all her meds after she died). I think I would have died too if I had not developed the belief that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that we are put on this earth for a reason, and I'm pretty sure mine is not so I can stay high all the time. But this journey of addiction that I am travelling is for a reason, and perhaps when I am more fully on the other side I will understand it, maybe never. It certainly has given me a little more insight and compassion than I had before. I just keep repeating my little mantra "this is what clean feels like, and clean is good".
Thanks to everyone for welcoming me to this forum.
jeannie |
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jacks
member
USA
75 Posts |
Posted - Feb 01 2005 : 10:41:11 AM
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RIKAARD
It costs $200 an hr out of pocket here for me in the USA.
We have no dental care or hospital NOTHING.
I wish we had a system like Europe if just for those reasons.
HERE?
ya need medicine?
It costs over $400 a MONTH for me and guess what?
MANY TIMES I have been at the counter and they wouldnt give me my medicine like antibiotics etc cause I DIDNT HAVE THE MONEY.
Its like "your sick we filled your prescription ya DONT have the MONEY"?? YA DONT GET IT.
I been hurt and humiliated in front of others cause of that.
I admit I romanticise the UK every time I see movies from the UK it seems like such a good place to live.
BUT you would know better than I do.
Hugs
Jaxie
"Time wounds all Heels"- Groucho Marx |
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