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February 03, 2003
Puck's Insane Wedding
Let me just cover all the real hilarious things that went down in this wedding episode before we get bogged down with the explanation of the dumb drama. When the girls are all up in arms in the living room talking about Ellen and Puck, notice Theo, in clean ass Adidas, on the chaise lounge chair passed the fuck out on his face and stomach. I fell out laughing. It totally reminded me of that scene in Friday when Craig’s girlfriend was like, “You was all hugged up with some tramp…” And they cut to her all stank on the phone in her bed, but in the background there is a brother in his pants and shoes, no shirt, sleeping. If you love Friday, you know exactly what I am talking about and you are rolling right now. If you are unfortunate enough to be an unenlightened person that just mildly glances at Friday, you ought to pay more attention. You’re missing classic funny shit.
Anything and everything Dan Renzi says this episode is INSANELY HYSTERICAL. I repeat: INSANELY HYSTERICAL. The mountains are crumbling, the sky is tumbling down whatever he said, that shit was hilarious. And the camera move on his face was genius. And Dan was hysterical in his OTF (those on the fly interviews in real time) talking about “I was trying to calm them down, but it’s all a lie. The boys are under Puck’s spell and are scared to say anything…” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You can’t just wear any old thing to the wedding. Boom chicka boom? And the torso shake while seated? The mermaid outfit! Gay men are truly the cat’s meow. Dan’s the best narrator this show has ever seen. Put him on every special, every challenge, every everything because he is brilliant. And Dan always hanging out at the girls’ house is cause for celebration. Anybody that can handle the energy in that house is a saint, and he did it with candor, a brand of candor only Dan has. “Who the fuck told you to read the letter bitch?” I have to stop. My sides hurt.
I couldn’t even pay attention to anything that was being said when Ellen was initially in the bedroom in the first scene of Act 1 (yes, they actually talk about RW in this fashion but that’s another long day of explanation) because Aneesa walked in with her boobs in her hands. I was like, “What is happening on my TV?” I slapped the side of the television to make sure this image was real. When it didn’t budge, I slapped the side of my head a couple times and lo and behold, the image was real. She was holding her boobs and having a serious drama-filled conversation. Whoa!
Whoa (say it two times fast)! Is this Extra? Entertainment Tonight? ET on MTV? I didn’t know we had a guest spot on a show about what real celebrities are doing. Banoodles. Another moment where I had to step back and go, “I am literally ON this show. Whoa.” Am I a grinch? Or are these normal feelings? Where did Christina even get that camera? Cast members had to sign a contract saying they would not bring personal cameras or video devices. Everybody brought a camera anyway and now pictures are floating around on the internet and MTV isn’t saying shit. Why do I follow the rules? Did a director tell Genesis to do that?* Or is this really happening? *I spoke to Ruthie yesterday and she said the director told Genesis to do that. I had a feeling that no person in her right mind would do that on her own merit. Those directors man, they can make you say and do shit that in your normal life is just not important. I once said I was actually having fun being scared of missions, and they tried to get me to say I accomplished something when I finished a mission. They got it halfway out of me, and then I was like, “We’re talking about children’s games. Cut that. I can’t say that I care about that.” I fear they’ll use that footage and I will have to be rightfully clowned by my peers.
Betty saying she’s worn out by the tears having shed not one drop herself? I must say that therein lies some real comedy. Puck going, “Hey, look it’s me and you” and Betty dryly saying, “Oh cool” had to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. And anytime a show’s title is used in the actual show, my gag reflex acts up and I find myself vomiting on my chest. But Betty didn’t know, man. She’s never been on TV before.
Now that the cool stuff is out of the way, we can graduate to the ho hum humdrum boring crap that people will mistake as the most gripping part of the show even though above I just listed what really matters.
First I must say that Puck called me yesterday after he viewed the episode and was like, “Melissa, we’re real fired up over here.” Betty’s screaming inaudible profanities in the background. Puck’s telling me to call him back to discuss. So I call him, a little uneasy and a little curious about how he will attack me with verbs and I go, “What’s up?” And he says, “We’re just fucking with you. We know you were misled by Ellen’s lies.” And Betty then gets on the phone and goes, “I thought she was a goody goody too. I was fooled.” Betty had actually sent Puck to the girls’ house in Jamaica to make him apologize. I was there for the “apology” that never happened. They just argued more (without cameras) and I was like, “Just forget it, dude. Ellen go, leave it alone. Puck, man, get married. Fuck this shit. Go have fun. Where’s that baby?” Anyway, Betty invited me to Mark’s Real World Watch Party tonight that I thought I couldn’t go to because I am supposed to be flying to Miami today. I could go but – this tangent doesn’t matter.
It’s amazing to me that this show, and all its stepsisters and manifestations, never fails to show me only being stank. I wasn’t even in the past 4 episodes because I was being a regular person enjoying Jamaica. The moment I stopped being a regular person enjoying Jamaica is when a female cast member, Ellen was practically hurling in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity – choking on her own tears because Puck said something crazy to her.
Now, Ellen told me that Puck said he would kick her ass. Now, we all know Puck’s tone. We all know that we can’t put that past Puck, and since I am a girl, I took special notice when another girl is literally crying out of her mind out of control because of something a grown ass man said. I just genuinely felt bad for her. Then I thought about the fact that Colin, Mark and other boys were there when it happened. I didn’t have the rationale to think Ellen was lying. I was bamboozled by the fact that she was so upset that I got upset thinking that shit went down in front of two dudes who said absolutely nothing when a girl was “threatened.” I guess I just had an expectation that a dude would say, “Puck man, chill out” if a girl was in fact threatened. And we are talking about Puck, a man who prides himself on “hurting you with verbs” so I failed to thoroughly do my homework. Aha! It’s quite terrible to work on assumptions. Well, I went upstairs to the boys’ quarters, where I normally kick it anyway, and I was like, “Yo dudes, what the fuck? Ellen is down there crazy crying because Puck said he was going to kick her ass. Why y’all ain’t help her? My grandmamma bought me that chain. I mean, I know she’s NOT your favorite girl on the island, but damn, Gina…” Mark and Colin were looking at me like I was straight crazy, and they were like, “Melissa, man, dude, that shit did not happen. And if it would have we would have said something. Come on.”
And so, at this point, I didn’t know what to believe, and was doing the aw shucks snap because I think I was just duped and reacted on camera, but this whole thing happened AFTER Ellen came into the girls outdoor living room crying. In front of Ellen, and in front of cameras every girl in that room (which they don’t show for some reason who anybody is talking to in this episode) was like, “That’s messed up” and “Puck doesn’t even like any of the us girls. He just wants to put on a show.” And furthermore, a couple of “I’m not going to the wedding. He doesn’t even know me” lines came out. So, this started the “boycott.” The next day, nobody seemed to care anymore and were like, “What are you wearing to the wedding?” and practicing their do-re-mi’s and la la la la la laaaaaaaaas for the ceremony. Songs were being composed and sung, banners were being hung, reporters notified, flowers were being picked, the wedding buzz had pierced the air. Birds were chirping. Bells were ringing. Fairies and lightning bugs were dancing merrily about the night sky. Children were eating grandma taffy candy and wiggling uncomfortably in their Sunday best. And nobody, but nobody, cared anymore that Ellen was upset or that they had just been on camera talking shit about the wedding. On top of that, I made a huge parenthetical point after my “I’m not going to Puck’s wedding” statement which was the following:
I can’t go to the wedding. I’m not his family. I don’t really know this man (yet, but can you really ever know him?). He is funny, but straight up sometimes he’s mean. The whole love/can’t deal thing with Puck was coming out in full force. I mean, I’ll get him and Betty a gift. She’s a nice lady. But dude, let’s think about what’s happening. Hello! We’re filming a national television show where people make fun of us in just regular clothing, and now you want to wear coconuts on your boobs and praise somebody that more than half of you have talked shit about? I’m not even anti-Puck, and not necessarily even pro-Ellen and I still wouldn’t have gone to the wedding. They are taping it. I will get to see it on TV. And I’ll get to see it on TV without having to sit in the privacy of my own home yelling “move right, Melissa, get out of that shot, move lady!” I just couldn’t take it seriously. I couldn’t. When you understand the power of the immortality of reality TV, you start to think about what you are willing to co-sign. I saw that toga party last challenge and was not impressed by the humping of Sharon by The Miz (although, I heard it was an absolute blast). You cannot engage in these activities. Add it to the list. No eating on camera. No scratching on camera. No kissing on camera. No digging in your toes on camera. No yawning without covering up on camera. No open-legged crotch shot for the ladies. I am dreading the day that happens to me. You can slip up, you know. No sleeping with head out of the covers on camera (dribble and open mouth, no!). No girl-on-girl kisses if you are not gay or bi. No baby talk. No sex. No application of condom on camera (off camera, fine, please do). No stealing, no vandalism, no excessive primping (they’ll get you good with that one), no full-on nudity, no open toilet doors, no stripping or pretend stripping (they’ll pixelize your boobs even if they were never exposed), no getting drunk, no female vomiting. Try not to cry. It will seem trivial later. For all you Paris kids, if you can hear me, if they haven’t blocked your RW computer access yet, listen up. Take heed. Write this list on the inside of your forearm! But of the utmost importance, certainly no going to a wedding wearing nothing but ass shells, crying for somebody you just met ON CAMERA.
Anyway, the girls were all gung ho. Yay, it’s wedding day. And I was like have fun looking like hypocrites (which I said out loud actually). Turns out the show doesn’t even explain that issue clearly enough so the viewer at home would never even know who was being hypocritical unless you watch the show the way I watch the show and take into consideration what’s NOT being blatantly said but must have gone down in order for this to make sense. Am I making sense? When Ellen is talking to Tonya in that dumb pedal boat about the girls being wishy washy she was talking about how half the girls were consoling her and talking shit about Puck (who incessantly talked shit about the girls) and then decided to go to his wedding anyway. I just know that once I committed on camera to not going because I was sticking up for Ellen whose life was never in any real danger, I couldn’t renege without looking like a total dick on TV. And even still, I feel I look stupid for even having been involved. And it’s surely no fun to be in the doghouse with Coral. We all know how she feels about Ellen. While I can’t reciprocate her loathing of Ellen’s shiny catwalk pants and wish fire ants upon her ankles, I have to stand up and say, “I really felt bad for her. Is that wrong?” (I was only in the Coral doghouse for two minutes because she totally forgot about me after she saw the fashion of this here episode.) I can’t just honestly dislike somebody until they give me personal reason to. I can judge from afar and decide whether or not that person will occupy a space in my cell phone, but I can’t just hate. I still don’t have a legitimate reason to hate half the people I hated (and judged) on Real World before I did the show. I’ve had to meet some of them and be cool because they haven’t done shit to me. Well, I like you Puck, but I could never attend a documented and televised gala of that magnitude. Have fun having that episode re-run over and over again with folks standing in a tribal leaf with ashy knees next to some RR person’s nut sack which is adorned in bug-infested red lilac flower thing.
But maybe I just don’t know how to have fun, and live a little. I do know that I don’t need to see images of myself like that come two summers later when they are talking about RW Love Stories in some old clips packaged as an MTV show, where I get no payment for my appearance, because they are running out of programming. Believe me, it’s already annoying to have “time the fuck out” be considered a memorable moment. It’s funny, but let’s move on now. I already don’t need any RWNO to ever come on again, and to think one day it will be on regular old Channel 5 after Divorce Court and the executive somebodies will be swimming in papers while I am steady canceling magazine subscriptions to cut costs. I’m nearly 30, give me a break. Oh dear heavens, what if they do a fashion faux pas show! I wore terrible head scarves and wedge heels. I was 22! I didn’t know. I swear! At least I know I didn’t give that much more footage for them to archive and stab me with years later when I am trying to get my kids to respect me. I must have really needed that money, man.
Now, I do believe that a man should not talk to a girl like a dog. I have experienced it before, and it’s not cool. Since that didn’t actually happen, my feathers got ruffled unintentionally and most certainly unnecessarily. The reality is I didn’t have to care about Ellen’s feelings, didn’t have to care about Puck and could have still been chilling like I was if I knew that this threatening didn’t ever really happen. No thanks to Puck and Ellen for making me forget I was on vacation. I wish, knowing that Puck never said he was going to beat her up (on camera, anyway), that I just kept my opinion to myself and just didn’t appear at the wedding a la Amaya. It was a cool run to NOT be on the show in the past four episodes. Makes it much easier to watch. They didn’t show me and Amaya giving Puck and Betty a gift. From the tourist gift shop we picked up some incense, some baby sunscreen because I was extremely worried about little Bogart’s pale ass skin which was exposed all the live long day, and some other girly shit, mints something. I mean, all we had to choose from were keychains that said “Jamaican Me Crazy, Mon” or coasters with cartoon tribal drawings. I looked at a beer opener keychain and put it down, but then thought, “We are wedding gift shopping for someone who will wear cutoff swim trunks and plastic beads in his head to his wedding. I mean, he does drink beer. At $4, it’s a steal, Amaya.” And I sure as hell wasn’t buying anybody a $50 sarong. They didn’t show Puck saying thanks for the gift and being like, “We’re cool man. I understand. We got fish. Want some?” But whatever.
In hindsight, the whole story is too drawn out. When I see all of the footage of Ellen crying, it’s an entirely different story. Now, I love some drama but goddamn, goddamn. That was a ton of drama. When I see Puck being “reprimanded” in a cool way, but being like “I’m still messing with Ellen at missions” I laugh out loud. This is absolutely absurd.
Are they doing Fantasy Game points for this episode? Rack ‘em up, pack ‘em up, pack ‘em in, let me begin. With 48 crying cast members to choose from who will get you a few points closer to the prize, why not play the game?
At this point in the show, I can’t even believe I haven’t voluntarily bailed yet. I keep hearing the missions are only getting harder. The days are only getting longer. The food situation is still terrible. I’m sneaking around having personal, family, and relationship crises (they come in threes when you’re on vacation) on the phone late at night (no camera). Sneaking back up acting like everything is sunflowers and chocolate bunnies. At this particular time, I had sunken to an all-time low and had to beg production to take me to the grocery to buy Ramen noodles and oatmeal. I was like, “Look at me. I’m starving here. It’s getting straight Somalian up in here. I need food, people. And I can’t eat what you are serving because it makes me sick, so get it together please, for the children.” (That’s why Ellen was raving about her whole wheat pasta on this episode. It was a real meal, and if you missed out, that sucked. I had ghetto casserole that night. Tuna and macaroni and cheese.) I hate missions. I suck at missions, and I am still there randomly on the scoreboard, which ironically enough, on a game show is rarely shown. See, I told you they don’t care about the game. It’s about the people. But somehow, I realize that I am getting closer and closer to that crazy ass 50 grand and nobody is really bothering me or talking about me. I’ve managed to slink around unnoticed, but had yet to be accused of “not putting in the effort to get to know the girls.” I’ve got a strategy here, but not so fast Chuck. We’ll see. Will I face demise?
Posted by melissah at February 3, 2003 11:52 AM