Castiel liked the outdoors, and he liked these books. The park bench was solid beneath him, reminding him of strong foundations, and even though he was well aware of the events in each book and their ultimate ends, he enjoyed reading them. How well he blended into the background, reading on a park bench, wasn’t lost on him either. Moments like these gave him time to stop thinking, a selfish sentiment that was surprisingly welcome.
Of course, he could never have more than a moment’s peace.
“Anna, if I did not know better, I’d say you are developing an unhealthy interest in me.” Castiel raised his eyes toward the redhead standing before him, allowing the barest glance, then cut them back down to the pages in his hands.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re developing a sense of humor,” she replied with a smirk. She tilted her head upward, as if trying to peek at his book from where she stood, and though she knew what it was, she still asked. “What’re you reading?”
Castiel drew his full attention to her at this, then held the book up as she approached. The cover showcased the title Coatoan, as well as over-the-top renditions of both Winchesters and their Impala. He returned to gazing at the pages when Anna seated herself to his right. She could sense him attempting with all his might to be apart from her even as she sat so near, therefore she allowed the silence to linger until she herself could take no more, having hoped he would break first. She should have known better.
“I came to see about you,” she murmured gently, turning liquid amber eyes to his, which seemed permanently stormy and full of sorrow. “After Uriel--”
“He’s dead,” Castiel grunted, a sharp dismissal. “He sided with Hell, and there was only one solution, which you and I saw to. Is there more to be said?”
“Apparently, there is,” Anna sighed and nearly reached for him. At the last moment, she thought better of it and curled her fingers in toward her palm. “What he was doing had to be stopped. We both know that. We did the only thing we could.”
“I know, Anna,” Castiel growled, turning away even though he wished to burn her inside out with the force of his gaze, to accuse her with it.
“But it’s all right to feel bad, too,” Anna instructed softly. “To feel regret? He was a brother. More than that, he was a friend. It’s a tragedy, truly. There is no shame in knowing you did the right thing yet wishing it could’ve have been different, simpler.”
“He made his choice,” and his words were a veritable huff. He didn’t like how Anna encouraged these dangerous feelings in him. “This is…”
“It’s painful,” she agreed. “You’re grieving. Not just for his death but the creature he became, a monster. You’re questioning what you could have done, how it could have been different. If only you had paid closer attention to Uriel’s anger and outrage. If only you had--”
“Stop this,” Castiel seethed at her, a flash of pain crossing his face that was there and gone within an instant.
“I’m not questioning our actions,” Anna insisted. She leaned in closer and allowed her slender fingers to fall over his wrist, noting how he stared down at the contact with blank interest. “I’m questioning whether or not you’ve dealt with how it made you feel. Things have never been this complicated before, and while I would never doubt your resolve, I don’t think you’ve been tested quite like this before.”
“Do you believe…?” He trailed off, then found the courage to meet her eyes and continue the thought. “Do you believe that God is testing me?”
“I’m not the one you want to be asking about God, Castiel,” Anna chuckled. “I don’t think my opinions would sit well with you.” When he nodded absently, she added, “I only want you to consider what you’re feeling a good thing rather than a weakness. That’s all.”
“Anna…” He hesitated, something he’d never done in such abundance until recently. “If this is what you sacrificed your grace for, I do not understand the decision. Hurting for another and mistrusting your own wisdom is painful, as you said. Miserable. I don’t want this.”
“You only say that because you haven’t tried chocolate cake yet,” Anna replied in an attempt to lighten the mood. As usual, the joke appeared lost on him. She took a deep breath and replied in earnest. “There is also caring for others, isn’t there? You honor Uriel’s memory by feeling regret and remembering who he was before his betrayal. There’s nothing wrong in that. And my understanding is you helped Dean and Sam recently by… Let’s call it bending the rules rather than breaking them.”
Anna’s smile was teasing, and Castiel searched her eyes a moment before asking, “you heard?”
“Again, I have friends,” Anna shrugged easily. “If you’d not done that, Sam surely would have died, and you could scratch Dean off your list of allies in that case.”
“So I did the right thing?” Castiel asked, and that look of searching for answers in the color of her eyes remained.
Anna blew a frustrated sigh at this. “I wish you would stop asking me these things. I don’t know. That’s the point.” She plucked the book from his hand and gripped his fingers in hers, noting that he squeezed back. “You’ll never know if you’re loving too strongly, hating too deeply, or fearing needlessly. You can only do your best, and you’re doing that so far as I can tell. And if you insist on making it about God, then how could our Father not be proud of you? Of the good you’ve done?”
Castiel allowed their stares to remain locked, but the look was broken when his eyes wandered down to their joined hands. “Why do you insist on touching me? Or is that another of those questions I should not be asking?”
Anna blinked then snorted aloud, give his hands a playful squeeze. “Touch is beautiful, that’s why. Be honest: does it soothe you?”
“This body is a vessel,” Castiel said as though reciting from a script he’d prepared. “It is not mine. Therefore--”
“Just…” Anna shut her eyes to contain her irritation. When she reopened them, she snapped up Croatoan and presented it to him once more. “Read your book.”
“I have made you angry in some way,” he noted with confusion.
“No, you just reminded me that I’ve been places you haven’t, so you don’t understand yet,” Anna murmured.
For the first time in the conversation, something made sense to him. He was getting better at reading emotion, slowly improving in feeling it even, but he still lacked experience. Anna wanted him to be on her level so that she was not so alone, but there was only one other angel who had fallen, and Lucifer was not someone she would wish to see, Castiel was sure. She could be neither human nor full-fledged angel again, and in that way, she was apart from everyone and everything. She was lonely.
“Would you like to sit with me a bit longer?” Castiel asked. “While I read?”
Anna watched him cautiously, then nodded. “I would like that. If you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind,” he answered, offering a curious look that might have been trying to be a smile.
Castiel picked up where he had left off, with Dean discovering that the townspeople in River Grove had cut off all means of escape, while Anna settled her back against the bench with a faraway look. Just as she was considering departing, she felt his fingers curl around hers. She glanced at this, then to him, but he was still seemingly engrossed in the book. A grin threatened to break out across her face, but her lips pursed to temper it into a tight smile. After another moment, she leaned against him and let her head fall on his shoulder, noticing that he didn’t tense up as he usually did when they touched. It was then that she decided that if there was hope for Castiel, there must be hope for them all.
The End
