"Still Waiting?"

MAN 1 - Same
MAN 2 - Same
GODOT - Top hat, cane, monocle

(Lights up.  Man 2 is sitting on the edge of the stage.  Man 1 enters, frustrated)

MAN 1.  What the hell?
MAN 2.  (Jumps, surprised) Whoa!  I didn't even take your wallet!  It was mine!  I swear!
MAN 1.  What?
MAN 2.  Nothing!
MAN 1. ... Anyway, I was here for a REASON.  You made me so angry that I left, but I'm not supposed to leave.
MAN 2.  You're not?
MAN 1.  No.  (He sits)
MAN 2.  Why can't you leave?
MAN 1.  I'm waiting for someone.
MAN 2.  Oooh, really?
MAN 1.  (Reaches into his backpack and pulls out a sandwich wrapped in saran wrap.  He looks at Man 2 like he's an idiot) Yes, really.  (He begins taking the saran wrap off the sandwich.  Man 2 watches him for a moment.  Man 1 takes a bite and eats, watching Man 2 through the corner of his eye)
MAN 2.  (Pause) Who are you waiting for, if I may so inclined to ask?
MAN 1.  (Irritated) What does it matter to you?
MAN 2.  I don't know.  I was just curious.
MAN 1.  Be curious someplace else, for the love of God!
MAN 2.  All right!  (Stands) Sheesh.

(GODOT enters.  He is dressed very nicely, with a tuxedo and a top hat, and a monocle in one one eye.  He walks to center stage and shouts:)

GODOT.  HELLO!  I AM GODOT!
MAN 1.  (Almost choking on sandwich) Sweet bejeebers!  (Stands) Godot!  (He looks at his watch) I thought you'd never get here!
GODOT.  Yes, well, I do enjoy a late entrance every once and a while ...  (He chuckles at this, then instantly becomes serious.  To Man 1) Who are you, anyway?  (To Man 2) And you?  You two don't look like the messengers I was supposed to meet.  They were Russian.  Are you Russian?
MAN 2.  I'm one-eighth Cherokee Indian!
MAN 1.  (Hits Man 2.  Quietly) Shut up!  Do you realize who you're looking at?
MAN 2.  He said his name was Godot.  Looks rich.
MAN 1.  He IS rich!  He's GODOT!  Look at him!
MAN 2.  (Looks) Like I said, he looks rich.
MAN 1.  Listen.  I forgot to mention this ... Godot was supposed to meet these two Russian people, Vladimir and Estragon.
MAN 2.  I've read the play before ...
MAN 1.  No!  It's not a play!
MAN 2.  Um ... yes it is.  It was written by Samuel Beckett, and has received numerous awards and such ...
MAN 1.  It's real!  Godot is real!  He's standing right there!
MAN 2.  Not really, though.  This is a play too.
MAN 1.  No, but ... you see ... (he slumps, coming to the conclusion that yes, this is indeed a play) Huh.  (Back alert) Anyway, Godot was supposed to wait for these two Russian people, right?  Well ... I bribed a guy to tell Godot the wrong directions, so he would come HERE instead of finding those two Russian baboons.  And it worked!  It really worked!
MAN 2.  Why did you do that?
MAN 1.  Why?  Because ... well, it's ... um ... DAMN!  I've forgotten!  You see, I've been waiting for Godot for some time now ... I guess too long.
MAN 2.  Well, now you have him.  What do you intend to do with him?
MAN 1.  I'm not quite sure ...
GODOT.  (Interrupts) Excuse me!  I must say, I could hear your entire conversation.  (Sighs) Such is the way with stage whispers.  However, for the sake of continuity, I will pretend that I didn't.  So, are you the two Russian boys I was sent to meet?
MAN 1.  Umm ... (looks at Man 2 for some kind of inspiration.  Man 2 shrugs) well ... yes.  Yes!  Yes we are.
GODOT.  You don't sound Russian.
MAN 1.  We're not!  We just have Russian names, is all.  Our ... grandparents were Russian.
GODOT.  I see.  Which one of you is Vladimir?
BOTH MAN 1 AND 2.  (Raising hands) I am!
GODOT.  Oookay .. And who is Estragon?
BOTH MAN 1 AND 2.  I am!
GODOT.  Hmmm ...
MAN 1.  (Nervous laugh) What I mean to say is that I am Vladimir, and he is Estragon.  I'm sorry, we've been here for some time now, we're both a little muddled in the head.  (Motioning to Man 2) Him moreso.
GODOT.  Well, that's nice.  What need do you have of me?  I have traveled far, you know.
MAN 1.  Oh yes, very far.  We, um, well, we need you to help us.
MAN 2.  Yes, help us!
GODOT.  Help you?  Howso?
MAN 1.  Help us by ... umm ... giving us money.
MAN 2.  Yes, money.  (Suddenly turns sad) We need money to help keep all the poor orphanages open, so we can buy them new windows and teddy bears for the children!
MAN 1.  Yes, and to keep the septic tanks from backing up constantly!
MAN 2.  New septic tanks!
MAN 1.  Should be connected to the city sewage system, really!
MAN 2.  It's horrible!
GODOT.  Why should I give you my precious, precious money when I could just go to the orphanage itself and give the money to the workers there?
MAN 1.  Because they're ... um ...
MAN 2.  Infested!
MAN 1.  Yes!  Infested!  (Beat) Infested?
MAN 2.  With the plague!
MAN 1.  The plague?
GODOT.  Oh dear!  Not the plague.
MAN 1.  (Going along) Ohhh yes, the plague!  It has ravaged our city!  We are lucky to be alive!
MAN 2.  I have a little bit of gangrene on my arm, would you like to see?
GODOT.  No thank you.
MAN 1.  So anyway, we need money for the orphanage.
GODOT.  But what about the rest of the city?  Wouldn't it be as decrepit as the orphanage?
MAN 2.  (To Man 1) What does decrepit mean?
MAN 1.  Shh.  (To Godot) Why, yes, now that you mention it ... everything in our city is decrepit.  Very decrepit.  Lots of decrepitcy.
GODOT.  That's obviously a serious situation.  Perhaps I should contact a mayor from a nearby city, to help you get things --
MAN 1.  No!  That'll be fine!  The other mayors are stupid anyway.  Little crazy in the head, if ya get my drift.
GODOT.  I don't, really ...
MAN 1.  Oh, you will.  You definitely will.  So, how about that money?
GODOT.  Well, I can't see how it would hurt anyone.
MAN 2.  Quite the opposite!
MAN 1.  Yeah!  It'll help an entire city!
GODOT.  Hmmm ... let me go back to my car.  I'll get my checkbook.
MAN 1.  (Wide-eyed) Really?
GODOT.  Of course!  Have to help a worthy cause, I always say!
MAN 2.  The words of a true philanthropist!
GODOT.  I'll be right back.  (Godot exits)
MAN 1.  (Pulling Man 2 downstage center; euphoric) Oh my God!  Oh my sweet Buddha!  He fell for it!  He really fell for it!  Do you realize how much money he is going to give me?
MAN 2.  A lot, I'd assume.
MAN 1.  (He opens his arms wide) THIS MUCH!  (Gleefully laughing) I'm gonna be rich!  Rich and I'll buy a home, a big home, with lots of toilets.  I'll need a lot of toilets ...
MAN 2.  Gotta have toilets!
MAN 1.  And a solid gold bidet!
MAN 2.  Yeah, whatever that is!
MAN 1.  It'll be spectacular!  My life is gonna change, right here, right now, and all for the better!
MAN 2.  Absolutely!  (Beat) So we split it fifty fifty?
MAN 1.  (Still gleeful) Oh, I can't believe I'm even in this ... th ... what?
MAN 2.  Fifty fifty, right?
MAN 1.  What are you talking about?
MAN 2.  I will get half, and you will get half.
MAN 1.  (Blank stare, pause) Huh?
MAN 2.  The money.
MAN 1.  Right.  What about it?
MAN 2.  You will get half of the money --
MAN 1.  No, I will get all of the money.
MAN 2.  But ... I was here and I helped!
MAN 1.  Helped with what?
MAN 2.  Helping you GET the money!
MAN 1.  (Laughs) Ha!  Are you serious?
MAN 2.  YES!
MAN 1.  I sincerely doubt that.  I will get all of the money, thank you very much.
MAN 2.  I told him there was a plague!  That was helping!
MAN 1.  Yes, well ... it wasn't integral.
MAN 2.  Integral to what?!
MAN 1.  To the getting of the money.
MAN 2.  YES IT WAS!  If I hadn't said that we were all in the plague he wouldn'tve GIVEN us money, man!  Jeez!
MAN 1.  Okay, okay.  I'll give you some money.
MAN 2.  You're damn right you will.
MAN 1.  How does 90/10 sound?
MAN 2.  I will kill you.
MAN 1.  80/20?
MAN 2.  With my bare hands.
MAN 1.  (L'il nervous) Um ... 75 ... 25?

(Godot re-enters)

GODOT.  I'm back!
MAN 2.  (Hushed, to Man 1) We'll talk about this later.
MAN 1.  Heh ... heh ... (to Godot) Welcome back, Godot!  Have you got the money?
GODOT.  I have a check, and that's good enough! (He laughs)
MAN 1.  Good enough indeed!  Now, who should you make the check out to?
GODOT.  I was thinking that I could just make it out to the city ...
MAN 2.  NO!  No no no, Godot, the city would merely take the funds and keep them!
GODOT.  Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't, dear ... (recalling name) um, which one are you again?
MAN 2.  Uh ... Estragon?
GODOT.  Estragon!  Right!  Of course.  My brain is old, you see.  I just can't remember names as much as I used to.
MAN 2.  (Laughs) Perfectly understandable.  Now, about our dear city.  See ... as much as they would love to use the money to help those with the plague, chances are that the fatcats up in the capitol would rather see the money go into their own pockets!  Sad, ain't it?
GODOT.  Horrific!
MAN 2.  So what you need to do is give that money to a fellow philanthropist, one who lives in or near the city, who can use your money to better the city!
GODOT.  You know what?  You're right!  That's the perfect solution to this problem!  The only question is, who will I give the money to?
MAN 2.  I just happen to have the perfect candidate!

(Man 1 realizes what's going on at this point)

GODOT.  You do?  Tell me, who?
MAN 2.  Well --
MAN 1.  ME!  (Godot and Man 2 turn to Man 1.  Man 2 is scowling) Yes!  Me!  Give the money to me, I will make sure that it goes to only those who are in need of it!
GODOT.  Who are you again?
MAN 1.  Umm ... Estragon?
GODOT.  No, this (pointing to Man 2) is Estragon.
MAN 1.  Um ... no!  I'm not Estragon, I'm ... ahhh ... Christ, what's his name?
MAN 2.  He's an imposter!
GODOT.  (Gasps, angrily) What?
MAN 1.  No!  I assure you, good sir, that I am not an imposter!  He's the imposter!
MAN 2.  I am not!  At least I remember my own name!
MAN 1.  Your name isn't even Estragon!
MAN 2.  How do you know?
MAN 1.  You never told me your name.
MAN 2.  I did so.  It's Estragon.
MAN 1.  (Enraged) DAMN YOU!  It is not Estragon!
MAN 2.  How do YOU know?
MAN 1.  I ... I know, dammit!
GODOT.  Boys, boys boys!  Please, be calm.  This isn't about you, this is about the future of a city here.  Now ... this is definitely a problem for me, of course, because I don't know which of you is the imposter.
MAN 2.  He is, I swear!
MAN 1.  No, you are, dammit!
GODOT.  Boys!  Please!  There is a perfectly simple way to finish all of this.
MAN 2.  There is?
GODOT.  Of course!  There's a simple solution to everything!  (He reaches into his pocket)
MAN 1.  (Pause) Well?  What's the solution?
GODOT.  Simple, really ... (he pulls out a gun and shoots Man 1) There.  (Gives the gun to Man 2) Here, hold this.  (Walks off casually)
MAN 2.  (Looks at gun) Well .. That was ... simple.
GODOT.  (As he exits) Told you.
(Blackout)

 He's Got a Girl 

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