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In our increasingly imperfect world, it's often difficult to know how to behave. Miss Manners, however, always has the perfect advice. Now it's your turn to contribute words of wisdom. Read our etiquette dilemma and add your two cents to the mix. Then check back March 12 to see how your advice compares with Miss Manners' solution.

See the answer to previous dilemma:
Letting sick guest clean up mess

The current dilemma: Confront friend about rumor?

My friend Linda and I have known each other for 25 years. Linda is five years into her second marriage. I have heard a rumor about Linda's husband that has appalled me: At a bar, with Linda present, he grabbed and ripped open the blouse of a woman seated at their table. I heard this from a mutual friend who was present. I've waited for Linda to mention it, but nothing has been said. If it did happen I'm sure that she's embarrassed. I don't want to make her uncomfortable. But I need to know if this really happened. I want to be able, should I hear this gossip again, to stick up for her. Maybe it didn't happen the way the gossiper said it did. And since we have been such longtime friends, I need to be able to look her husband in the eye without wanting to punch him.

What's your advice? Post it in the box below. Miss Manners responds to the Etiquette Dilemma every two weeks and cannot offer weekly updates.

It`s not your business. Linda was there, so she knows about it. Whatever her reasons are for not speaking with you, they are her reasons. You don`t ``need`` to know, and if someone else asks you about it, reply that you don`t like to gossip (although that seems unlikely). Second, your desire to punch her husband in the face has nothing to do with Linda, and everything to do with her husband. Talk to HIM. 
To tell you the truth, the whole ``rumor`` sounds incredibly far-fetched--only the most brazen of *!@$% would dare to rip open a woman`s shirt in a public place, and even he probably would refrain with his wife sitting next to him. 
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To those of you who have gotten off the subject and on tothe subject of spelling and typographical errors of other writers, get a life. How a person spells is of no consequence to the subject.  I blieve that the subject was about a rumor and what Linda should do about it. My personal opinion . for what it is worth, is to leave it alone. If your friend wants to say something sbout it, she probably will. 
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your her friend of 25 years and you don`t know by now when to leave it alone. I think your looking for a reason to pry, snoop, or gossip. MYOB
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I feel as though the friend should allow Linda some privacy and dismiss the entire event as if it never happened. I guarantee, if you want to stick up for her, when you hear someone spreading the story just interruprt them and ask them if they have discussed it with the actual individuals (Linda or her husband. I am sure the response will be ``no`` then you can snap on them for spreading rumors.
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Recognize that this is gossip, just a rumor.  Stop being appalled by it.  Just dismiss it, and encourage others to do the same.  Do not approach Linda about it, do not bear a grudge against her husband because of it, and get over your inclination to punch his lights out.  It is only a rumor.

Now what`s this I hear about you and the IRS?
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I think that if the writer feels compelled to ``stick up for`` Linda to gossipers, she should do so by stating that Linda has the right to not have her private life subjected to speculation and open commentary. If this does not deter the gossipers, then the friend should exit the conversation and possibly the room. Regarding the husband, if Linda can still bear to look him in the eye and has not mentioned any problems, then assume that all is well in their relationship and MYOB. 
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I think that you should be approach Linda cautiously about the rumour. But before doing so, let her know how much you value the friendship and no matter what happens, you will always be there for her. Take notice of her facial expressions and that should tell if to proceed further. Maybe you could get her to open up by discussing or reliving an embarrassment you faced. Tell her how you felt and needed someone to be there for you. If she dosen`t want to talk, don`t push it
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Gossip can only be spread if you take the time to listen to it. If you are a true friend you will ignore the comments unless your friend brings it up. 
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The same thing happened to me. I was sitting at a bar, and some chick came up and ripped open my pants. My unit was unharmed but small. It`s just something I`d rather not discuss with even my best firend. Some things should be just left alone.  
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What heresy! `It`s the thought that counts`!
Well, not when you`re talking about grammar, it isn`t.
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Let`s cut out the pretense:  Linda`s longtime friend doesn`t ``need to know`` the truth about an embarrassing incident so that s/he can (1) ``stick up`` for the presumed victim, Linda, or (2) look Linda`s husband in the eye without wanting to punch him.  The friend wants to hear all the dirt from Linda and have an opportunity to commiserate about what a miserable husband No. 2 is.  MYOB is etiquette`s way of curbing idle curiosity, especially when Linda obviously doesn`t want to discuss a humiliating event.
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It`s really rude to point out somebody`s typos. It`s the thought that counts.
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``I don`t want to make her uncomfortable. But I need to know if this really happened.`` Well, have you tried bonking her on the head, hynotism, truth serum, etc.? 
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That`s a great idea--a nipple fix!
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I think the lady should visit a stip joint. Perhaps then she will get her fill of nipples.
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End of Readers' Advice

Be sure to check back for Miss Manners' response in our next issue!

Need help with your own dilemma? Send a note to Miss Manners, with Etiquette Dilemma in the subject field.

For Miss Manners' advice column, click here.

Judith Martin's most recent book is Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility: The Authoritative Manual for Every Civilized Household, However Harried. She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children — of course.




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