Miss Manners answers Etiquette Dilemmas on UnderWire

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In our increasingly imperfect world, it's often difficult to know how to behave. Miss Manners, however, always has the perfect advice. Now it's your turn to contribute words of wisdom. Read our etiquette dilemma and add your two cents to the mix. Then check back April 23 to see how your advice compares with Miss Manners' solution.

See the answer to previous dilemma:
Display or dump ugly gifts?

The current dilemma: Mom is out of it in public

My mother has Alzheimer’s disease. I still take her out to movies, dinner, family outings and social events. I want her to still participate as much as she is able. However, occasionally, strangers ask Mom to decide certain things, such as if she wants a whole or half sandwich or alcoholic drink. She can't really make appropriate choices any longer and I must order for her. Some wait staff have ignored my instructions, saying I shouldn't be mean or tell my mother what to do. She has several medical problems in addition to the Alzheimer’s, such as diabetes and high blood pressure, and I need to limit her foods and other things to that which is healthy for her.

How do I let these people in on the idea that Mom isn't capable without embarrassing her by stating so in front of her?

What's your advice? Post it in the box below. Miss Manners responds to the Etiquette Dilemma every two weeks and cannot offer weekly updates.

If you want to help, how about taking the tactful approach of making a suggestion to your mother before staff arrives to serve you? You can gently suggest without appearing critical. If your mother is as incapable as you suggest she is, she`ll probably welcome your suggestion and perhaps she`ll even let you handle the situation for her when staff does appear.
 
Of course, if you`d rather not take on that responsibility gracefully, maybe you can live with your mother making her own mistakes for herself without you being so worried and controlling.

You really will hurt yourself if you walk around thinking that you can or should live her life for her. She might just want to share time with you just for your companionship, without you judging or controlling her. (This used to be a sore spot with me, but I think I`ve worked through the issue, myself. I still probably need to put the concept into practice more, though.)
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It is not necessary to explain anything to the wait staff. Discuss the menu with your mother before the waiter arrives and order for both of you. Many people do this anyway. If a waiter offers their opinion to this, ignore him and repeat your order.
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If possible, take control of the ordering process from the get-go -- give the waitperson a big smile and greeting, and say you`re ready to order. Most will start with the one who speaks first. Then you can say we, she`ll have, etc. If there`s resistance, then you can say something like, ``I beg your pardon, but I have my mother`s order ready`` and proceed. If the staff gives you grief, tell the manager ASAP. Good luck!
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You will find the caps lock on the left side of the keyboard. Press once to capitalize, once again to release it and return to lower-case letters. You will find your dictionary next to the other unused books in your library. :)
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uh, i thougth this question was about a manners dilema, not a symposium on creative writing.  arent there chat rooms out there for that?

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You need not, and should not, announce your mother`s medical conditions to strangers, either as a preemptive or reactionary tactic. It`s an affront to her dignity, especially done in her presence. You need only say something (nonspecific) if her behaviour should require explanation to people who are not perceptive enough to make the obvious plausible assumption (e.g., children).

It`s hard to believe that a server could be so cheeky as to challenge you on ordering. However, if you find that this really is a problem sometimes, then I think the suggestion made by someone else is excellent: when they arrive to take your order, just say matter-of-factly, ``I`ll be ordering for us both.`` If you`re challenged or criticized for ordering for her, say, ``Oh, dear. Mom relies on me for some help. Would you please send over somebody else who doesn`t have a problem with the way we order?`` Then report the person to management.
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With all of the people who are living with Alzheimer`s these days, you`d think the waitstaffs would have a clue. Unfortunately, from what you describe as your experiences, it appears some of them don`t. That`s truly unfortunate for everyone who suffers from Alzheimer`s and their family members who, like you, are put into embarassing positions. I doubt if the waitstaff people are being intentionally obnoxious. Still, they are being insensitive. At a restaurant with a host or hostess, you can discretely inform the host or hostess that your mother has Alzheimer`s and that you will do the ordering for her and ask the host or hostess to let the waitstaff know this discreetly and in advance of coming to your table. At restaurants you go to frequently, you ight want to cultiveate a relationsip with one or two of the waitstaff, let them know about your mother`s healthproblems and then always ask to be seated in their stations. In situations where the waitstaff makes inappropriate comments to you like the ones you describe, a call to the restaurant later to let the manager know about the situation and a polite request that the manager educate the staff about Alzheimer`s and the fact that more sensitivity is needed toward patrons with your mother`s medical problems and their caretakers is appropriate.
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I have also been in this situation, although I have never been challenged on my right to order for my Grandmother. I would handle it by stating, upon being approached by the waitress/waiter, that I would be ordering for both of us. And then I would report the disrespectful service person to their immediate supervisor. If the damage has already been done, try stating gently, but firmly, I will be ordering for both of us, please. If this still doesn`t work, kick butt!
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Apparently the John Ruskin quatation was very apt in that the person who cited him has a completely opposite understanding of Miss Manners` meaning (in her final paragraph to the last dilemma) than I have.  
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Thanks for replying.
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Remember, the idea of John Ruskin`s quote was to point out the immediacy of his words. Taking the backroads, 3 rickety bridges, 5 left turns in a stagecoach will hardly `drive` home the point to those who need the info simply and elegantly stated.
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ps. Writing to sound beautiful and express is one thing, but when it`s the objective to educate those who would otherwise not know any better, it`s probaby wise to abandon the verbose prose at the door.
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To the person who asked about my writer quotation: Interesting perhaps for the writer, but then, why do we write? :) Anywho, MM says in her final statement (in my words) that she doesn`t agree with people who would make you feel horrible for not sacrificing your own needs to be some sort of self-proclaimed martyr. You know how some people here will blast you if you did anything even remotely for yourself, lest you be called ingrateful or selfish? The dilemma writer was suffering that fate--people assumed the homeowner should forsake his/her needs to make others feel good... especially since the homeowner would incur more stress making the visitors feel good, when the visitors probably wouldn`t even notice.
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I`m really surprised the waitstaff have called you mean or said you were telling your mother what to do.  Do you say things in a way that sounds mean?  I think if someone challenges your decisions in the future, either request a new waiter, select another restaurant, or tell them point blank you weren`t telling your mother what to do, you were telling them (the waiter/waitress) what to do as it is their job to take your order.

Though another approach would be to simply take the initiative to place the entire order before they get to asking your mom.  As soon as they ask if you are ready to order, say ``yes, we`d like...`` and go from there.  Then the only thing they might have left to ask would be which dressing your mom would like on her salad, to which you can either let her choose on something that is not going to be off her diet, or if she does give an inappropriate selection, then ask the waiter/waitress for a diabetic option.  I`m glad you take your mom out despite her illnesses.  I`m sure on her more lucid days she can truly appreciate it.  
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To the post that stated: ``I did, at least, wholeheartedly agree with the meaning of your final statement!`` This is where I stopped following the meaning of her(the divine Miss M) last paragraph. Would you define the final statement for me? Your mention of the book by John Ruskin intrigued me. I can`t say that I agree with his or your view; anyone can state simple dialect. Anyone can say ``there is a pretty sunset``, but when one writes ``the sky looked as though it were full of brightly colored fiesta ribbons``, it turns words into art and becomes interesting to read.
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End of Readers' Advice

Be sure to check back for Miss Manners' response in our next issue!

Need help with your own dilemma? Send a note to Miss Manners, with Etiquette Dilemma in the subject field.

For Miss Manners' advice column, click here.

Judith Martin's most recent book is Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility: The Authoritative Manual for Every Civilized Household, However Harried. She and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. They have two perfect children — of course.

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