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The list of love:
Is yours too long?
My cousin Michael, the talented music composer, has a Date Priority List that would boggle your local dating agency. Of course he has no idea how much this list clouds his thinking, but as his phone buddy, I've condensed and edited his meta-script. He may say, with a clear conscience, that all he wants is a woman who is smart, fun and exciting.
What he's really looking for is a female who:
1. Has a sound knowledge of noodles
2. Knows obscure jazz transitions
3. Understands why a sub-index is just as important on his music software as a regular index.
If this woman popped out of the crowd while he was scouting Mott Street in New York's Chinatown for the ultimate in hot sauce, he would fall madly in love, but Michael doesn’t realize that. He thinks he’s easily pleased.
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We all have a Date Priority List; some are just longer than others. Women are trained to wax romantic over men who are tall, employed, socially sophisticated, STD free and lovers of theater/ hiking/dancing/traveling. If you don’t believe me, just check out the singles ads. Like men who go for young, nubile, height-weight-proportional women, we rarely question the intelligence of having an entire subculture shopping for exactly the same person.
We also have a Not to Do list. Don't get involved in long conversations with telemarketers, just because you’re feeling lonely. Don't waste energy trying to flirt with a man who obviously hates your hair color/shape/nationality/religion. Don't hit on your best friend's husband.
Hundreds of best sellers also offer us templates for falling in love, from The Rules to Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus. Just follow the script and you get the prize. But nobody likes being interviewed, with all the subtlety of a CIA agent, for the job of major love interest. And authentic connection is often many layers down in the subterranean vaults of who we are or appear to be. We need to be honest about our secret turn-ons and turnoffs, and decide for ourselves what is important in life. Most of us are either unaware of what REALLY cranks our motors, or we think our requirements are so trivial as to be insane.
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Take my friend Amanda. An actor who loves the biz, she dates guys who have better agents and more mirrors than she does. When these relationships fall apart — and they always do — she blames lack of chemistry or the machinations of a crafty ex-girlfriend. The truth is she has no conception of her true requirements, because that would mean having to confront that stupid little voice that offers embarrassing, deal-closing observations: "He's got more success than I do" or "He's rude to all my friends.” Or more importantly: "He has everything on my list but I don't feel good about myself when I'm with him.” She's an actor who’s always acting.
Her real list has that secret, never-tell-your-friends stuff: I want a guy whom all the girls lust after, a swell kisser, and it would be really great if he could carry on a decent conversation with my dad, meaning hours of chatter about car repairs and right-wing politics. He doesn’t have to be a producer on CNN Headline News, but he needs to be respected as an actor/ agent/producer. Of course I’ll need him to help me with my lines before every audition, so he can’t be too absorbed in his career. Oh, and he definitely shouldn’t be into red meat or wrestling.
Ding. She’s narrowed the field to 10 guys on the planet.
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Even if Amanda finds a person with all her requirements, there’s no guarantee he will be The One. You never know who will rock your boat. My friend Aris married a man with at least three of her "Do Not Do" characteristics. He talks with his mouth full (she has proper parents born and raised in the South), he makes less money than she does (she spent years romancing guys in Porsches with racing gloves and titanium golf clubs), and he doesn't appreciate her love of opera, ballet and art galleries. Despite his lack of a pedigree, they are crazy in love. They love to throw parties and ride horses. She’s tossed all her former lists and Cosmo quizzes out the window. Her parents think he is charismatic and kind.
Naturally, you don’t want to ignore all your requirements — particularly honesty, independence and a sense of humor. But real love thrives outside of science. The chemistry just exists. Anyone with a successful relationship will surely laugh at the idea that you can pick your love off an alphabetized printout drawn up by somebody else.
Michael is still looking for Miss Noodles. He has joined an Iron Chef newsgroup online and dated his way to some success. Amanda met Michael while attending a music workshop, and they mixed like water and virgin olive oil. Too bad — I thought they had potential. After all, they were both on my list of wonderful human beings.
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Rhona Raskin is a family therapist and clinical counselor in Vancouver, B.C., and the host of Canada's top call-in radio show, "Rhona At Night." Her latest book is Ask Me Anything. Check out her Web site here.
Also on UnderWire:
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The Gen X Dating Game
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DISCUSSION: What’s on your love list? Is it too long?
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