Roughing it easier with eyes closed
Every so often I head for Sun Valley, Idaho, because I have friends there, and because Idaho contains large quantities of nature. The problem is that my friends are never content to sit around with a cool beverage and look at the nature from a safe distance, as nature intended. No, my friends want to go out and interact with the nature in some kind of potentially fatal way.
( By DAVE BARRY, 09/21/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Staying fair and unbalanced for the election season
People often ask me: ''Dave, as a leading candidate for president yourself, can you be unbiased when you write about the other candidates?''
( DAVE BARRY, 09/14/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Petal pushers give weddings a touch of awwww
I'm not saying it's easy to be the father of the bride. I'm just saying it can't be any more stressful than being the father of the flower girl.
( DAVE BARRY, 09/07/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Ask not what telemarketers can do to you
There's just over a year to go before the 2004 presidential election, and everybody in the nation is extremely excited. Except of course the public. The public, shrewdly, pays no attention to presidential politics until all of the peripheral dorks have been weeded out, and it's finally time to make a selection between the two main dorks left over.
( DAVE BARRY, 08/31/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Living in a state of disrepair: California
I came out here because I've been reading disturbing reports that my state, Florida, is about to lose the coveted title of ''The Doofus State,'' which we Floridians worked so hard to win following the 2000 presidential election by not being able to figure out whom we voted for. We have been The Doofus State for just two lousy years, and now these greedy Californians, who had the title for decades, are trying to get it back.
( DAVE BARRY, 08/24/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Teach your children good, er, well
We have come to the time of year when we remove the video-game controls -- by surgery, if necessary -- from the hands of our children, and send them back to school. And if they complain that school is a boring waste of time, we smack them firmly yet lovingly with a roofing timber and remind them of the words of our first president, Benjamin Franklin, who said: ``There is nothing more valuable in life than an education, except of course money, or a nice car.''
( DAVE BARRY, 08/17/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Look for warning label before putting live fish in your mouth
This is a special time of year, as expressed so poetically in the lyrics to the haunting song Summertime from Porgy and Bess: Summertime, and the livin' is easy
( DAVE BARRY, 08/10/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Launching a rear-guard attack on a new product
Buttocks. Most of us have them. But what can we do to make them more attractive? For centuries, the unfortunate answer has been: ''Not very much.'' We have had to accept the buttocks we were given by Mother Nature, who is a big prankster when it comes to body parts.
( DAVE BARRY, 08/03/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

The Tide is high and other household problems
Good news: It's not my fault, about the Cheez-Its. I eat a lot of Cheez-Its. I get them at the supermarket, when I'm wandering the aisles, trying to locate the items on a grocery list made by my wife. For guys, this a stressful task. This is the Scavenger Hunt from Hell.
( DAVE BARRY, 07/27/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

The prince and the toddler: It's a doll world after all
Hi! How are you? Good! Here is my column! It has short words today. Why? Because I am spending a lot of time with my daughter. Her name is Sophie. She is 3! My wife is a sportswriter. She went to, Paris, France, to write about tennis. She left me as the lone parent. With a 3-year-old! For 16 days! That makes 384 hours. Or 23,040 minutes. But who is counting? Ha ha!
( DAVE BARRY, 07/20/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

One man's close shave with facial destiny
Attention, consumers with bodily hair: The razor industry has news for you! You will never in a million years guess what this news is, unless your IQ is higher than zero, in which case you're already thinking: ``Not another blade! Don't tell me they're adding another blade!!''
( DAVE BARRY, 07/13/2003 03:01 AM EDT)

Florida journalism: It's a wild, wild life
People always ask me: ``Is it hard to be a professional writer like you and Joyce Carol Oates?'' Yes. Very hard. Here is a true example of the kind of difficulties we face:
( DAVE BARRY, 07/06/2003 03:01 AM EDT)