No clowning around
Things are tense in our house. Our daughter is about to turn 4, which means we have to hold a birthday party, which means my wife is, at the moment, insane.
( DAVE BARRY, 01/25/2004 03:01 AM EST)

Clearly not for faint of art
Whenever I write about art, I get mail from the Serious Art Community informing me that I am a clueless idiot. So let me begin by stipulating that I am a clueless idiot. This is probably why I was unable to appreciate a work of art I viewed recently, titled: Chair.
( DAVE BARRY, 01/18/2004 03:01 AM EST)

Guys: It's time to turn over a new leaf blower
Have you ever wondered why the entire world runs so smoothly? The answer is: Guys. Don't get me wrong: I have the deepest respect for women. My own wife is a woman. But when things need to get done, you cannot beat the results you get when guys swing into action.
( DAVE BARRY, 01/11/2004 03:01 AM EST)

Pétanque's the best, bar none
I discovered the perfect sport. You don't have to be in great shape to play it. You barely have to stand. You're thinking: golf. Wrong. Compared to the sport I'm talking about, golf is brutal, sometimes forcing you to physically walk 15 feet from your cart to your ball. Whereas the sport I'm talking about involves almost no walking, and in fact little movement of any kind, except for signaling the bartender. The most strenuous part of this sport is pronouncing its name: ``pétanque.''
( DAVE BARRY, 01/04/2004 03:01 AM EST)

2003: A Dave odyssey
It was the Year of the Troubling Question. The most troubling one was: What the heck happened to all those weapons of mass destruction that were supposed to be in Iraq? Apparently there was an intelligence mix-up. As CIA director George Tenet noted recently, ''Our thinking now is that the weapons of mass destruction might actually be in that other one, whaddycallit, Iran. Or Michigan. We're pretty sure the letter ''i'' is involved.''
( DAVE BARRY , 12/28/2003 03:01 AM EST)

Got rig envy? Try Viagra
Let's say you're a middle-aged guy. It's a Sunday afternoon, and you're planning to relax by watching a little football, defined as ''11 consecutive hours of football.''
( DAVE BARRY, 12/21/2003 03:01 AM EST)

Feeling sick? Blame your computer!
It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that uses simple, ''jargon-free'' terminology that even an idiot like you can grasp; the column that shows you how to ''take command'' of your personal computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.
( DAVE BARRY, 12/14/2003 03:01 AM EST)

A forest of lights can only mean that it's Christmas in Miami
I love Christmas in Miami. Oh, sure, it's not like Christmas up north. We don't have Jack Frost nipping at our nose: We have Harvey Heat Rash nipping at our underwear regions. And we never look outside on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white, unless a cocaine plane has crashed on our lawn.
( DAVE BARRY , 12/07/2003 03:01 AM EST)

It's windy under the sea
A question that we have all asked ourselves hundreds of times is: How do herring communicate? I'm pleased to report that we may, at last, be getting closer to an answer, thanks to an important recent discovery by fish scientists. This discovery involves a bodily function that some readers may find distasteful to read about (even though I bet they do it) so before I tell you what it is, here is a:
( DAVE BARRY, 11/30/2003 03:01 AM EST)

We've got the dirt on guy brains
I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I look like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.) There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn, and for me, that time is now.
( DAVE BARRY, 11/23/2003 03:01 AM EST)

Flu season: Time to ship the kids away
Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.
( DAVE BARRY, 11/16/2003 03:01 AM EST)

Scientists launching spacey idea
Just when you think all the great ideas have been thought of, scientists dream up a concept so radical, and so innovative, that you wonder if they've been smoking reefers the size of Yule logs.
( DAVE BARRY, 11/09/2003 03:01 AM EST)

Senator who? We're trying to bowl here!!
There was an unusually exciting campaign event here Saturday night for Sen. John Edwards, who -- to refresh your memory -- is one of the ones with good hair.
( By DAVE BARRY, The Miami Herald, 01/26/2004 03:01 AM EST)

Inside the 'clot:' Not for faint of heart
I finally caught up with the campaign of Gen. Wesley Clark. Actually, Gen. Clark caught up with me: I was briefly captured by his clot. Every major candidate travels inside a surrounding clot of advisors, lackeys, media, etc. If you stand anywhere in Manchester for 15 minutes, one of these things will go past. Often the clot is so dense that you can't see the candidate: You just see this mass of people moving briskly along. Anybody could be inside. Osama bin Laden could be running around New Hampshire...
( By DAVE BARRY, The Miami Herald, 01/25/2004 03:01 AM EST)

Look out! It's a candidate
It's crazy here. There are Democratic presidential contenders racing all over the Granite State, wooing the living snot out of the voters. You can't go to the mall here without having to shake hands with, at bare minimum, Joe Lieberman.
( By DAVE BARRY, The Miami Herald, 01/24/2004 03:01 AM EST)

See nice and manly men at a rally near you
Sen. John Edwards, whose campaign is in Surge Mode, surged into town and held a real nice event.
( By DAVE BARRY, Miami Herald, 01/18/2004 07:38 AM EST)