for Asians and Pacific Islanders Living with HIV
Seroconversion 2000
By an anonymous client,
from the June 2000 Newsletter
Along with the rest of the world, I was looking forward to the new millennium. Never in my mind did I anticipate the life changing event that would occur on the night of January 29, 2000. Yes, I was aware of HIV. In my mind, I thought I was safe because I practiced safer sex. I had tested negative all these years (every 6 months; last June and December) and I've always used a condom. I had heard the warnings about condoms breaking and the higher risk of contracting STDs and HIV with multiple sex partners. But in my mind I thought I was safe because I practiced safer sex...
Then on January 29, the condom broke. I was mortified. The guy had just cum in me and my body and mind froze with fear. I asked him if he was negative and he said "yes". My gut instinct told me he was lying because he answered with his head lowered. He did not look me in the eye. That night, I emailed my doctor and told him what had happened. He "advised" me to go on PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis -- offered by SF City Clinic-see pg. 2) and to get on HIV medications. I declined due to my fears of the medications' side effects. I informed my doctor I wanted to be tested and he told me I would have to wait two weeks before any HIV antibodies would show up. I went in to my doctor's office and he ordered a viral load (bDna) test on February 16th. During the 2 week waiting period, I began to experience the initial symptoms of HIV infection (Acute Viral Syndrome occurs during the first week or so after initial infection) - night sweats, fatigue, headaches, diarrhea, fever, and vomiting. I told myself it was most likely due to the flu because I did not get a flu shot during the winter season.
On the morning of March 1, I went into my doctor's office and he was not there. I did not even think to ask where he was. The only thing on my mind was getting my viral load results. Instead, I was met by the Physician's Assistant (PA). He told me flatly that my viral load was at 41,000 and that I was HIV positive. My immediate thoughts were: 1) My life was over; 2) I will die in a few months; 3) I will never find anyone who will want me and; 4) Who will take care of my elderly mother if I become ill? The PA informed me I should go on anti-viral medications and I again declined. I said I wanted to be tested further. No referrals for counseling or support were made. I left the doctor's office and went back to work.
For the next two days, I wondered around in complete fear and shock. I felt completely alone. I also felt ashamed and guilt-ridden. I would tear up at work, at the gym, and while driving in my car. I was unable to sleep or eat due to the stress. I was an emotional wreck and could not focus on what I was doing. I had constant images in my head of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the early 80's when gay men were being diagnosed and died a few months later. I kept telling myself that my test result was a mistake.
On the third day, I called a friend who works in the HIV/AIDS field and he told me that I was not alone, my life has changed but it was not over, and I would live a long life (if I get on anti-viral medications). He told me that I had a good chance of achieving an undetectable viral load if I started taking medication early. I called a few other friends and they all rallied to my side. They held me and held my hand as I made the first attempt to mentally process this ordeal. Although some of my friends were HIV+ long term survivors and were speaking from direct experience, I still felt alone. The first weekend after my initial HIV diagnosis, I spent 13 hours on the internet searching and reading everything I could on HIV disease. The immediate overload of information only made me feel more afraid. I realized that what I was afraid of most was the fear of an unknown future. I was also grieving a loss -- the loss of my old life. The emotions I was experiencing were no different than losing a love one. In one act I felt as if I had lost complete control of my life.
Although it's only been about two months since I seroconverted, HIV no longer consumes my thoughts EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. I am learning to deal with the issues that come up. Part of the process is learning to let go and live day-by-day -- not easy for someone who is a control freak (yes, I am finally admitting it) and must plan every aspect of his life for the next 10 years. My priorities have changed for the better. I have begun to take better care of my own health. Many people have told me that with my diagnosis of HIV, I have started a new life -- a life that revolves around taking a daily anti-viral medication regiment which includes multiple vitamins and supplements, dealing with possible side effects, and constant monitoring of a progressive disease. On the plus side, my denial, fears, and misconceptions regarding HIV have been challenged and they have begun to change. My views on the disease have become more honest and realistic. Yes, I am sometimes still afraid but I also have a sense of hope and no longer feel so alone.
To be continued in the next issue of Living Well Network newsletter.
SF City Clinic provides free, confidential PEP -- testing, counseling and medication -- at their 356 7th Street site (between Folsom and Harrison south of Market). PEP must be initiated within 72 hours of a potential exposure to HIV. The PEP Program hours are 8am - 4pm Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and 1pm - 6 pm Tuesday. Call 415.502.5737 immediately after exposure and a your call will be returned within 2 hours.
How soon do HIV symptoms appear? There are two periods of time when one may show symptoms. Within the first few weeks after infection, some people with HIV show symptoms due to "Acute Viral Syndrome". This occurs during your bodies initial response against the virus. During this time, a person may show symptoms that look exactly like the flu (headaches, body aches, fevers, fatigue, etc.). The symptoms last for a week or so, then go away by themselves. Some people who acquire HIV may experience severe flu-like symptoms. For more information visit www.thebody.com or call San Francisco City Clinic -- STD Clinic at 415.502.5737.
Living Well Network
Global Wellness:
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History of the
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The Living Well Network:
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The Living Well
Network Retreat 2000
Retreat 2000
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Seroconversion
2000
Processing Seroconversion
Creating Myself:
Interview with
Cecilia Chung