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Around the States in Eighty Days
Being an irregular and erratic account by the Greedy Bastard himself as he sets out to traverse America on a comedy tour.

Day Seventeen. Lake Champlain.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

The dawn is beautiful from my little picture windowed eyrie in the Radisson Hotel. The light comes sliding along the placid water illuminating the island giving it sudden depth. The hills are all lit up. I realize I am gazing directly due South over Lake Champlain. It looks very cold. Seagulls flap about fishing. The weather has changed. It was very stormy and blowy last light, the wind buffeting directly off the water, sweeping down from the Adirondacks and shaking the hotel. Provincetown was hit by very bad weather which serves them right since their promoter pulled out of our gig. It's time to pull the woolies out.

Today we begin a run of four, then a day off, then a run of five. In case you think I am a totally spoiled bastard, let me show you what a day off looks like. I have removed the phone numbers to protect the innocent.

Wednesday, October 15 - OFF

Schedule Activity Notes
8:30 AM
station: WPDH
DJs: Kevin Karlson & Pete McKenzie
Phone

Eric is to call Kevin and Pete. This is to support the Poughkeepsie show.

Wake up live on the radio.

9:40 AM EST
station: KQRS
interviewer: Tom Barnard

Phone

Eric to call Tom. Interview is live. Last time through the market the interview with station help ticket sales dramatically.

Let's hope it works this time Tom, the Greedy Bastard's are tracking you…

1:00 PM EST
station: WCZX Mix 97
DJs: Bob Miller & Brian Jones
Phone

Eric is to call Bob and Brian. This is to support the Poughkeepsie show. Station leans 60/40 women, 25 and up.

This one was cancelled. Which is sad because I lean to women of 60/40 too. As Frankie Howerd once said. I like older women: they're more grateful…

1:15 PM EST
station: clear channel interviewer: Jay Wulff
Phone

Eric to call Jay. Stations that will use the interview: WRKW-FM, WKIP-AM, WELV-AM, and WRNQ-FM

This is the guy who wanted rating!

1:30 PM EST
publication: The Edmonton Journal (major daily)
interviewer: Todd Babiak
Phone
Eric is to call Todd. This is to support the Edmonton show.
1:45 PM EST
publication: The Edmonton Sun (major daily)
interviewer: Mike Ross
Phone
Eric is to call Mike. This is to support the Edmonton show.
2:00 PM EST
station: JACK FM station
contact: Matt O'Neill
Phone
Eric is to call Matt. This is the presenting station, #1 in the market. This is to support the Calgary show.
2:15 PM EST
station: 96X (FM radio)
DJs: BJ and Shannon
Phone
Eric is to call BJ and Shannon. Ask for Mike McKenn's studio when placing the call. Live to tape for morning show.
2:30 PM EST
publication: Calgary Sun (major daily)
interviewer: Lisa Wilton
Phone
Eric is to call Lisa. This is to support the Calgary show.
2:45 PM EST
publication: Fast Forward Magazine (weekly magazine)
interviewer: Martin Morrow
Phone
Eric is to call Martin.
3:00 PM EST
publication: The Gautlet (university paper)
interviewer: Jeff Kubik
Phone
Eric is to call Jeff. This is to support the Calgary show.
3:15 PM EST
station: CBC radio
interviewer: Bill Roach
Phone
Eric is to call Bill Roach.
3:30 PM EST
station: Mundo LA/La Guia Familiar
interviewer: Gabriel
Phone
Eric to call Gabriel. This is to support the LA show. Gabriel is an Argentinean Monty Python fan.
3:45 PM EST
station: IGN FilmForce
interviewer: Ken Plume
Phone

Eric to call Ken. Feature piece - website receives approx. 400k unique visitors per day. Interview will be 30 minutes.

Ken kindly relents to let me have a bath and a cup of tea and then send his questions in writing. I think he gets a much better deal. See below.

I realized yesterday why most people in showbiz are mad. It's enough to drive anyone mad. They spend their lives doing interviews and promos on a daily basis. It's just not healthy for a human being. Then add a posse, blowing smoke up their ass all day, mangers and agents on the gravy train telling them how great and marvelous they are, doctors offering them a chance to become flawless, photographers flashing pictures everywhere, and the public fawning, well you're breeding monsters aren't you? No wonder we like to see them in trouble in the tabloids. I have thought of trying to leak my sex life to the tabloids to gain a little publicity, but I think Man watches television is just not going to fly.

I wake up as usual refreshed and optimistic. There is only one slight fire to put out. The Greedy Bastard Promoters and Agents have been offering a special deal for the Poor Bastards on eBay to win a unique evening at my show. They have spent so much time and energy on this promo, that they have almost forgotten to sell tickets to the rest of the audience. What they have been promising is called a Meet and Greet which means the poor bastards get a special audience with the star of the show backstage. My first response is not user friendly

"Tell them to shove their private audience up the pope's ass."

That's just not nice is it? The trouble is that on my tour, since I usually come out and sign at the end, every poor bastard who comes to my show gets that. Perhaps we should charge extra for not meeting me? I certainly don't want to hang around backstage keeping the audience waiting in the lobby. That's not kind. They suggest bringing the winners backstage before the show, but I hate that idea as well. I like to get into a routine to get myself ready to do the best show I can, so that I am calm but pumped when I walk out to face them. Meeting a bunch of fans who have been conned into coughing up more to see exactly the same show is hardly relaxing. So what to do? I recognize some moral responsibility in this. Marc the hairdresser agent in his enthusiasm for all things new has somehow compromised me here and I have to find a solution, so I suggest to Skip that perhaps I might bring them up on Stage. Skip likes the idea. I am feeding him a plate of clams at the time (he is an ex-clamsman) so he is somewhat partial to my suggestion. I have a couple of thoughts. We could try something that Graham used to do and have the whole audience shout abuse at them. That might work. Abuse is fun and healthy. Or I could have them sing the Lumberjack chorus as an encore. This is risky as it needs some rehearsal. I'm going to talk to John and Peter and see what we can handle. I believe we have a few days yet as this doesn't happen until Boston. We'll sort something out.

Interestingly I am now the second tallest Python - after Graham's demise. But Graham is now the youngest, 48, while even young Palin is now over 60, and John, well I realize with a shock that he'll be 64 in a few days time. No wonder we're getting to be such cranky old bastards.

-----Original Message-----
From: Wulff, Jay
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2003 10:43 AM
To: Tiarra Mukherjee
Subject: RE: Eric Idle Interview
Hi Tiarra,
Just finished the interview, thanks so much! I also read about you on Eric's diary, haha. Anyway, I told him about a Grail paintball game that goes on every year, and he asked where it was, but I couldn't remember. If you could pass on the info to him, the place is called EMR Paintball in Milford, PA, he can check out pictures of the game at
http://www.emrpaintball.com/gallery/quest/1.html
At the beginning I also asked him to tell me how my interview fared in comparison to the others he does, if it sucked or was good, but forgot to ask him before wrapping up. If you e-mail him, I would love to know his answer. haha.

Thanks
Jay Wulff

Dear Jay. You sucked and it was good!

Thanks for the info.

Finally I thought since Kenneth Plume actually used the web properly to ask me questions for his website IGN Force I thought I'd share what we produced together, so here with thanks to Ken is our interactiview...

1. I know that you have a dreaded list of questions from an endless stream of interviews (which are a blurry mass of repetitive babble, I'm sure). Is there anything you *haven't* been asked...

No.

...that you wish someone eventually would?

No.

2. In your journal, you discuss having to do a top-down rejiggering of the show, which resulted in you axing quite a few of the new bits in favor of "crowd-pleasing Python" bits. If you even perceive it this way, do you regret the creative straightjacket the Python legacy places on you?

Well not really. People are paying to see a show and I want to give them the best they can get. It's an interactive thing. We drag the show towards them and they reward us by enjoying it more.

3. Exploring the previous question a bit more, especially in reference to the press,
do you in any way regret the Python legacy?

What's to regret? It was a good show, and we have great fans who still love what we did.

4. Michael has his travels, Terry J. has his politics, Terry G. has his insanity, and John loves money. What is your personal passion?

I love my family, my wife, my kids, my dogs, my home, my life. I am a very happy and contented man. I have been very blessed in my life and rewarded with good friends and good health. I am grateful and happy to be able to share this.

5. You've performed in a great many settings in a fair number of countries (France, England, the US, Canada, Australia, etc.). Can you describe the differences in comedic tastes, and how it affects your performance?

Not really. I listen to the audience and try and bounce with them. All audiences are different. But they are all homo sapiens.

6. I regret never having had the ability to see one of your stage shows (sadly, you don't seem to make it down to my "neck of the woods"). Has there been any thought to preserving one of the performances on DVD?

We taped the last show Eric Idle Exploits Monty Python in Washington D.C. and I spent ages editing it and Warners bought it and it sits in the same vault with Can't Buy Me Lunch. I think they must be waiting for me to die to clean up on the retrospective releases…

7. In all seriousness, I've often thought that you have the ability to deliver quite a powerful dramatic performance onscreen, if given the chance. If the opportunity presented itself, is it one you would feel comfortable pursuing, or has that direction either a) never interested you or b) never occurred to you?

I got the opportunity to do some serious acting in Alan Smithee for the director - but he was removed and it was all cut out. I enjoyed doing some serious acting in a short film about a year ago for Andrew Tsao. But mainly people say they really love Monty Python and then offer you shit…

8. What drives you as a performer? You could easily live off you laurels (and residuals) if you were so inclined. What makes you go out on the road, locked in a tour bus, knowing that a new day brings a new city full of people to entertain?

Well I couldn't easily live off my residuals. I have a child to educate and eventually put through college and so I have to work or earn for another few years at least. I am planning to spend next year on Spamelot during which time I shall be unable to take on other work, and will earn only per diems, so I have to earn a little money now to keep my family fed and happy.

9. Is there a difference between the comedy you write for yourself and the comedy intended purely for an audience? Or are they one in the same?

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing.

10. What was the impetus for compiling "The Pythons" book?

I think basically Greed. The Publishers were greedy and asked us and we were greedy and agreed.

It seems like most of the necessary ground has been covered in previous books - either "Monty Python Speaks" or the "Kim Johnson Collection: Volumes 1-1,200". Was it merely an aesthetic choice, so the bookshelf holding my copy of "The Beatles Anthology" can finally be balanced?

I think the Publishers were hoping to get a follow up success. But I think your bookshelf was an issue.

11. I was told by someone who attended that the recent screening of "Can't Buy Me Lunch" that it was a huge success with the audience.

It was. They ate it up. Very satisfactory for me, since I wrote it, produced it and directed it entirely for nothing. Not much of a Greedy Bastard am I? But it was great to watch it with an audience and enjoy their laughter, while my wife and son and daughter were all there (and are all in it in small parts…) The only person who has seen it was George, and that alone makes it worth having done.

What will it take to get it released?

A miracle…

12. What is the current status of "Remains of the Piano"? (Feel free to belittle that company - the one that rhymes with "gratis" - as much as you want)

The Remains is Reamed. I could revive it, but frankly I am sick of hanging around listening to people bicker and lie. I have other things in my life that I can do. I am grateful to be free of the paralyzing numbness of dealing with "the money" for month after month. I think you have to have a great deal of sheer bloody minded persistence to keep going in these things, and I simply don't believe it's worth the aggro. We got close. I got wet. They walked. I could sue. I might. But people lie all the time. It seems to be part of the business. I'm happy not to be in it currently.

And now for the silly (or a sad attempt, anyway)...

13. If Arnold can be governor, in the rather sad Pantheon of American Politics (also known as "Circus of the Stars"), where do you fit in?

I have the same birthday as the former British Prime Minister John Major. I wrote to him once on his birthday and said that but for a quirk of fate I could have been Prime Minister of England, and he could have been the Man in the Nudge Nudge Sketch from Monty Python. I hoped he wasn't too disappointed…

14. If there's one film or TV performance you could have stricken from the obelisk, what would it be?

You know none of it matters. Nothing lasts. Everything is just future debris. All this fame business, people talking about "their careers" and "their work" - it's all bollocks. You have a life, you have a little window in the world to peep out at the stars, and make some sense of it all, and experience it and enjoy it, and make love with beautiful people if you are lucky. America is so obsessed by fame they elect a second rate actor. And Arnold.

15. Do you have any openings for an assistant? I wash cars and make a decent sandwich... You're my only salvation from an American economy out to get me...

I think your only chance is to get out there and encourage people to get rid of this shitty government and get your country back.

Thank you again for your time and assistance. I hope your recovery is speedy, and the time away from the phone (and out in the world) was enjoyable...
-Kenneth Plume

I am most grateful for your kindness. The time was great. I got to have a bath and watch the ballgame and get off the fucking phone, which is a device I dislike…