Around
the States in Eighty Days
Being an irregular and erratic account by the
Greedy Bastard himself as he sets out to traverse America on
a comedy tour.
Day
Thirty Eight. Meet me in St. Louis
Thursday,
November 6, 2003 - Travel Day. No show.
I
wake to a rainy day somewhere between Louisville and St. Louis.
I'm hopping mad having just spent twenty minutes failing to
get a CD on. Since this bus is inhabited largely by rock and
rollers the entertainment system is designed mainly for Play
stations and pornography. To try and get something so simple
as a classical CD on the CD player requires a degree in advanced
engineering. Even Larry Mah, our sadly departed sound engineer,
couldn't make it work. Our driver Lish is none too certain
either. Now some unspeakable sod has left the system on the
wrong channel and I can't have the soothing sounds I crave.
To play an audio source you have to turn on the TV, select
the correct monitor screen and then choose a series of channels
on the stereo, and the tuner, and the satellite control and
the play station. I think you can see the complexity and idiocy
of the system. I can't even get through to Lish on the intercom.
My only option is to go through the sleeping quarters and
wake everybody and I reluctantly decide against this. The
only way to get to the front of the bus is past their bunks
and I really don't like to disturb my fellow travelers - Skip,
Jenny and Gilli. I have another kettle in the back here and
a tiny fridge for O.J. so I am perfectly cocooned and pampered
except for my unreasonable craving for Beethoven. Oh why can't
I behave like a child and have everything I want right now?
I settle for a cup of tea and a diary.
Larry Mah left us in New York. This was sad for all of us.
Particularly last night when his replacement Darren had a
bit of a nightmare. The sound was in and out all evening.
Sometimes I sounded as though I was in a barn next door, then
my guitar was off then on. Fortunately this didn't affect
a very loud and lively audience. We love Virginia. They have
been wonderful to us. A snobby person from somewhere up North
said to me after a show "Good luck in the South."
Well snobby person you were talking out of your butt, the
South loves us. I think it's the same Yankee prejudice that
is always shocked to learn that Python broke first in Dallas.
That's right, Texas. Not New York at all. The Richmond
crowd were roaring noisily before the curtain. They were engaging,
smart and hugely receptive. I felt loose enough to add some
lines from somewhere inside my filing cabinet of a brain and
they were kind enough to scream and yell for more.
The Carpenter Center for the Performing Arts is a highly painted
Moorish Movie Palace with an improbable rococo exterior, like
a baroque Bavarian Church (except my name is in lights on
the front.) I suppose we have Rudolph Valentino in The
Sheik to thank for all these twenties Moroccan harem style
movie houses. This one comes complete with nude statues of
classical antiquity, you know the sort of thing, discus throwers
draped in a hankie and nude ladies throwing children into
the air to see if they can fly. There is a perfect naked Greek
boy just to the right of the stage. We throw a spotlight on
it during the Getty song as I sing these words -
There's
a Greek boy there who's ass
Is made of solid brass
In the Getty
And
the air conditioning
Has shrunk his little thing
In the Getty.
It gets a round a huge roar and a round of applause. Wish
we could take it with us. Also the catering staff, an attractive
blonde lady with an adorable accent. Everyone here sounds
like Kevin Nealon's girlfriend Susan Yeagley. It's a jolly
gang for dinner down stairs with the promoter and our crew
and we have a serious discussion about the Mason Dixon line
and who they might be and what it is. Darren comes up with
the answer - they were two Surveyors. He knows this because
he is a Civil War recreator. We discuss Lyle Lovett's menu
for next week and the Confederacy and Richmond being the capital
of the South and there is even banana pudding!
"Who
writes your diary?"
A
DJ asks me that on the radio on the way in to Richmond.
"Excuse
me?"
"Do
you have someone who writes your diary for you?"
Expletive
deleted.
I
patiently explain that I write my own diary. He seems surprised.
I also wipe my own bottom and put on my shoes unassisted.
Are people so conditioned by the thought of "stardom"
that they expect us all to be spoiled brainless wonders, pampered
and surrounded by posses who do everything for them? (I don't
know and I don't care. Ed.) Frankly I am amazed when (Paragraph
deleted.)
Michael Graham is another DJ who interviews me on the ride
in to Virginia. He tells me we almost met on Real Time
with Bill Maher. Later he comes to the show and presents
me with his book Redneck Nation. I imagine it's about
the original native inhabitants of this country. We are quite
close to Pocahontas territory. It is terribly sad what happened
to her after she saved John Smith's life by putting her head
on his neck when he was about to have his brains bashed out,
thereby risking the wrath of her all-powerful father Powhatan
and saving his life. In about 1610 she was brought back to
England, where she was a popular sight to behold at the Court
of King James. When she came face to face with John Smith
for the first time (he by now being married) he was so overcome
he could not speak and tears flowed down his face at the sight
of the woman who had saved his life. But Pocahontas was homesick
and desperate to return to Virginia and she eventually persuaded
them to let her join a departing expedition. Alas, the cold
English weather did its thing. She became very sick as they
set sail and the boat pulled in to Dulwich to drop her off,
where she sadly died at a very young age. There is a statue
and a memorial in the small church there.
 |
| Eric
at the Ni River (Spring 1998). No, really!! |
On
the road into Richmond we pass the Ni River. John who is sitting
up front can hardly believe it, but Tania took a picture of
me there the last time through and I sent it off to Michael.
I'll see if we can dig it out, but it was
in pre-digital days and will be somewhere in her "filing
system." (Don't ask!)
 |
| Eric
with the Finnish Terry Gilliam (comedian/singer Vesa-Matti
Loiri), about two years ago. No, REALLY!!! |
Incidentally
for no particular reason I'd like to include this picture
that I found in Finland which is on my computer so
I can send it to the faithful and ever punctual Hans. Don't
you think this chap is a dead ringer for Terry Gilliam?
Temperature has dropped from 74 degrees in Virginia to 48.
Clocks back an hour, 835 miles traveled. Encore Bucket, last
night a record $128. That's over a thousand bucks for charity
in the Encore Bucket so far!
|
