Around
the States in Eighty Days
Being an irregular and erratic account by the
Greedy Bastard himself as he sets out to traverse America on
a comedy tour.
Day
Fifty Eight. Lunch and Marriage.
Friday,
November 28, 2003 - The Francis Winspear Theater
We
are so far North it's still dark here. 8.30 and the sun is
only just staggering up. You can tell you are far North when
the sun comes up and it's still dark. You can tell you are
far North when Alaska is West. You can tell you are far North
when Bison appear on the menu.
Ancient
English joke:
what's the difference between a bison and a water buffalo?
You
can't wash your hands in a water buffalo.
(Warning this joke has to be said aloud in a cockney
accent or it is incomprehensible. Ed)
Only 15 shows left in 22 days, but there's still a lot of
traveling: four and a half thousand miles to be precise, and
I'm glad I had a few days off. I needed that break. Everyone
has made it up to Edmonton , though not without some delays.
The bus party changed Skip's plan and left Fargo early and
consequently had to sit at a border crossing for five hours.
They were not very happy but hello… that's why Skip spends
so long making these plans. I am not at all looking forward
to life without Skip. OK so the sex isn't as good, but he's
always smiling and glad to see me. He was there waiting at
the airport after having left Tucson at crack of dawn. A wife
is just no substitute for a chap like this. My prolonged absence
on the road has given me a whole new perspective on marriage.
I always suspected that being white, male and married sucked.
Now I'm sure of it. A married man has all the freedom of a
mollusk. They are essentially bivalves with credit cards.
For a woman the point about having a husband is the same as
having a fashion accessory. Or a diamond. You don't need one
but you have to show other women that you can get one.
I have been married since I was ten. Well since 1969 anyway,
except for a few short years of freedom in between. I'm not
sure I can entirely recommend it. It seems a very inefficient
way of getting laid. No wonder the French ignore the rules.
Here are my current thoughts on matrimony.
Is
Marriage a Mistake? [1]
Meditations on the State of Marriage.
By a frequently married man.
New Rules for the wary.
1:
Never travel with your wife. For many women the real
point about marriage is to have someone carry their bags
through airports. When I see men at airports laden with
heavy bags and screaming kids, pushing trolleys, standing
patiently in line while the women go off to the bathroom
or make that extra purchase of make up and magazines I am
tempted to perform an intervention. Some married men need
someone to liberate them. I notice black men are more successful
at avoiding the married state. You don't see African American
men at airports covered in baggage in tow to a smartly dressed
female busy working a cell phone call to her sister in law.
If you're going to stay married for God's sake travel separately.
Then she'll pay some poor schmuck to hump all the
bags that she has to bring because she cannot make up her
mind what she might need to wear…
2:
Remember that as a married man you rank somewhere below
the dog. Get used to being invisible. Where the dogs
and children get a tremendous greeting on the wife's return,
it can often be up to half an hour before a married male
is noticed. "Oh hello darling. You're still
here then?" It's not that you are ignored, you are
unseen. You are the thing that is not there.
Do not complain. Practice being grateful for the attention.
3:
Get used to being fat. The single male is sexier,
thinner, better paid, and more active intellectually. The
married state is that of a docile donkey standing around
nodding waiting to be thrown a straw. The most common refrain
of the married male is "Yes dear."
4:
The sex thing. Forget it. The longest a married man
has had to wait for sex in my knowledge was five years.
Admittedly this is an extreme case, but sex and marriage
go together like a horse and agent. If it's sex you want
stay single.
4:
Sexy Underwear. Forget about it. Men should remember
that women change after marriage, but not into Victoria's
Secret underwear. Victoria's Secret underwear is strictly
for the unmarried woman. This is her secret weaponry in
the Sex war. After marriage, looking longingly at the Victoria's
secret catalogue is the closest a married male will get
to enjoying that skimpy red underwear stuff. It either makes
her look too fat, or it's too uncomfortable, or it is downright
demeaning, or she just doesn't have the time to put all
that stuff on. None of this she said when she was crawling
around the carpet making goo-goo eyes at you trussed up
like a turkey. But you proposed fella so take a good look
brother because from now on it's all wincyette pajamas and
woolen body wraps.
5:
Sex after marriage. Don't count on it. Men get married
to have regular sex. Women give regular sex so they can
get married. So they won't have go through all that messy
business again. And if they get pregnant, oh boy are you
screwed. Or not screwed actually. The Estrogen Nazis come
in and take away your sweetheart and replace her with a
snarling replacement in a slightly larger body size.
6:
Who is to blame? Get used to this: you are. For everything.
7:
The change of life. Women go through Menopause but
Men also go through Womenopause. You'll notice the signs.
They start yearning to make their own decisions. They take
up golf just to get out of the house. They plan and take
long business trips. This is not necessarily a good idea.
When married for a long time it is unpleasant to discover
that the single state is not only tolerable but far preferable.
It's tantamount to being guillotined and finding out life
was better with a head. So make up your mind to forget the
joy of being able to go somewhere when you said you would,
or leave when you feel like it or live without waiting for
someone to finish their make up, or make just one more call,
or feed the dog, or change their mind about the restaurant,
or get out of the bath, or feel insecure about their hair,
or go online to get their email, or set a tape… A married
male should not experience shore leave and liberty. It will
only make him unhappy. There are no weekend passes in marriage.
8:
He should get used to waiting. Time has no meaning
in marriage. Whenever is a precise definer. All married
men are on Whenever Time. 7 means Whenever. 8 means
Whenever. 8.30 means whenever. Whenever means whenever I
am ready. Remember women have a whim of iron. Learn to say
"Yes dear." Do not sit in the car with the engine
running, the music turned up excessively loud, screeching
at the top of your lungs. You know you aren't going anywhere
and so does she. Just wait.
9:
Do not consult a divorce lawyer. Ever. The only serious
reason for men to remain married is that if there is one
thing worse than marriage it's divorce. Divorce is like
marriage without the money. You get even less sex and you
pay even more for it. For women divorce is so attractive
it's amazing they stay married for even a short time. "You
mean you get the same money without the snoring old bastard?"
What's not to like? There are some exceptions to this rule.
Sometimes alimony is worth it. Some women are worth paying
not to have to live with. But you'd better be wealthy.
10:
The simple fact is this. Women should be married. Men
shouldn't.
Of course none of this applies to my wife, the beloved Tania,
who is a saint amongst women. She is the woman I was waiting
for my entire life. And I have certainly been waiting for
her ever since. Actually I think I stay with her because she
makes me laugh. It isn't just the fact she has a great ass.
I'm not that superficial. Well I am that superficial
but there is more to her than that. No, it's the ass. Still,
she does make me laugh.
Footnotes:
[1]
Yes.
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