So, here's the deal, dude. I've taken a winter job so I can afford to buy myself the other contact lens I need, y'know, so my eyes all match up finally and stuff. And I've got myself THE. KILLER. JOB. Uniform, transport, the works. And best of all, there's no early mornings!
What it is, yeah, is I kinda drop into kids' bedrooms and land in the fire? Like, a total pyro entrance? It's cooool! And I've got, like, a big bag full of sweeties and little presents and stuff like that? And then I get to leave things at the foot of their beds to, like, totally freak them out? That's, like, WAY evil! I'm tellin' ya, this Satan Claws gig is mega-awesome!
I think it was totally the boots that won me over first. When this bearded dude came round and asked me to become this totally magical dude who flies all around in a bobsleigh with a load of mutated goats - one's got this sort of torch for a nose, what is that? Like radioactivity or what? - I was all like "Whatever dude! I have no idea what you're talking about, but those are some kick-ass boots right there!"
So he totally gave me the boots right there? And even though he's like this great big fat dude with legs like a great big fat, like, cow or something, and I've got my weird-ass skinny pins, they totally fitted straight away. It didn't look like they had five-inch heels on when he was wearing them, but, dude, they have now! It's must be some kinda weird Satan Claws magic or something.
Anyway, apparently you get to just, like, BE in people's houses, so long as you leave special gifts to the God of...something...in a special shrine they put right by their couch. I didn't even know about this, dude, and I know some really freaky stuff, like about circus freaks and hairy ladies and stuff like that.
The old dude told me if you wanna find the shrine, you just gotta look for a tree with all lights and sparkly stuff on, and you put the things there. It's gotta be some kinda really cool devil worship thing, yeah? They put, like, a doll of a little girl with all wings on right at the top of the tree too. Which is MY kind of totally sick thing to do, yeah?
And then - and I totally blew my stack when he told me - everyone leaves you all this weird stuff to eat. There's some totally girly drink called 'sherry', right, but it doesn't taste of cherries. How messed-up is that? And the pies! They call 'em 'mince pies', but there's all this gross black jam inside, and no mince at all. Like, ICK! The mutant goat monster gets a carrot though. I'll probably eat that instead. That'd be pretty rad, right?
So, anyway, I was all like, "DUDE! You've totally gotta let me do this gig, man! I'm, like, your dude, dude. I'll totally do it, dude, yeah?"
And then he did this totally gnarly kinda weird old-man laugh, right? It went kinda like "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!". And I was all like "Dude! This Satan Claws, he's some kind of crazy-ass pimp then, right?", and then he stopped laughing and sort of disappeared. Which was totally wild, man!
Anyway, I'm all ready to go. I got my fluffy hat, which DOES NOT rock. My fluffy tunic, which also DOES NOT rock. My fluffy pants, which, kinda DO rock, actually, and these TOTALLY ROCKING boots. All I need is those goat dudes to show up and I'm outta here and into your homes!
Happy Christmas to all. And to all a totally good night.
Satan Claws.
