Choose Your Own Adventure: The Morbid Life (Fiction) By My First K5 Account Ever Sat Aug 20th, 2005 at 03:27:38 AM EST
	One day you die in a tragic and terrible accident. You are in the front office of Heaven speaking with God. "My goodness," he bellowed. "What an utter waste of a life you are. Deviant pornography, free software and MP3s, and don't even get me started about what you did to that Kuro5hin site..."

"You need to be punished for your actions. What you have done is beyond the pale. Although our Bible strictly forbids it, you will be reincarnated in your choice of one of three terrible, awful, disgusting lifestyles. In one life, you are forced to hurt the innocence of others. In the other life, you are hurt and tortured. In the last life, you are a worthless sack of shit." "Please no," you mutter, shocked. "Can't you just send me to hell?" "Hell would not be a sufficient punishment for you." He coldly pauses for a moment and says in a deep voice, "Now choose." Click here to choose to be a child molester. Click here to choose to be a Jew in Auschwitz. Click here to choose to be Hulver. You choose to be a child molester. You are a hunter, a horny man on the prowl. But the question is: where do you go to molest children? The library and the schoolyard have always been good choices. Plus the library has hundreds of other child molesters as well as transients visiting there, on a daily basis. So you might meet one of your buddies. Click here to go to the schoolyard Click here to go to the library. You go to the schoolyard. There is a large group of dipshits playing basketball. You see a 10 year old boy close to the car. You decide that he is your target. You have some candy that you can offer him. But it might be better just to give him one solid blow with a tire iron, knock him out, drag him to your car and get him back to your house. Click here to offer him candy. Click here to beat the shit out of him and then drive him back to your house. You go to the library and start downloading porno. One of the librarians catches you before you ever get to scope out a kid! She wants you to leave the library. Click here to tell the librarian to shut the fuck up. Click here to slap the bitch silly. Click here to leave and go to the schoolyard. "Hey little boy, I have some chocolates right here. Come on in the car and I'll give you all the candy you want." "Okay," the dumbass responds. He is in your car and you start to drive away. He starts to cry so you slap him across the face and tell him to shut the fuck up. The drugs you laced the candy with start to kick in as the kid calms down, and eventually dozes off into a depp slumber. Suddenly, he starts foaming from the mouth and coughing up blood. You must have put too much of the drug in the candy. You dump the body off the side of a rural highway and make your way to Mexico. Child molestation is a lot more acceptable there; you should have an easier life. The End. You get out of the car, grab the tire iron, and walk up behind him, quickly but quietly. You give him a firm hit to the head. He goes down and starts bleeding profusely. Its pretty obvious that you killed him. All of the kids playing basketball stopped the game and started watching you. They must have heard all the noise you made. Click here to run like hell. Click here to take the body and try to escape. You grab the tire iron and throw it in the trunk, and rush away from the scene. Most of the kids are either yelling or crying. You arrive back at your house hours later. You are resting, watching TV, and having a beer when there's a knock on the door. Its the cops. They illegally enter the property and start to beat the shit out of you with their batons. You fade in and out of consciousness when they finally stop, and one grabs you by the neck and tells you that you better confess to killing the boy, or he will kill you. Click here to confess to the crime. Click here to deny. You grab the body and throw it in the trunk, and rush away from the scene. Most of the kids playing basketball are either yelling or crying. They must have heard all the noise you made when you knocked the kid senseless. You arrive back at your house hours later. You are resting, watching TV, and having a beer when there's a knock on the door. Its the cops. Taking the body made it easier to identify you as the killer, dipshit. The cops are so disgusted with you that one raises a gun to your head and kills you, execution-style. The End. You are indicted, arraigned, convicted, and sentenced to 100 years in prison. Your cellmate is a large black man who routinely assrapes you and treats you sadisticly. You wish you were dead. Your life is worse than any hell. You finally decide to chew out your wrists and bleed to death. But one of the guards catches you, beats you, and puts you in the psycho ward. At least the raping has stopped. For now, anyways. The End. You deny firmly ever being near the scene of the school. They start searching your car and find the tire iron, still with blood on it. You forgot to clean it. One of the cop reels around and breaks your neck. You die instantly. The End. You turn around and put the cunt in her place. She calls security over and they forcibly remove you. Click here to go to the schoolyard. You slap the shit out of the stupid bitch and go back to the gay porno. You now have a semi and you'll be pretty ready to get your groove on. Unfortunately, the stupid bitch called the police and she filed a charge against you. With the videotape from the library's security camera's as well as you being a sexual deviant coming out in court, you are pretty much sunk. Click here to continue. You choose to be a worthless sack of shit: Hulver. It is time for bed, but first you must exhaustively scan your website's new diaries for any hint of trolling, crapflooding, or other such malfeasance. Be sure to read the diaries carefully and slowly. Posted by Trip Okay, personal time. I've had some issues with the inside of my head, and they largely relate to the way I concentrate: I never stop, not for a moment. Intense, huh? Well, I discovered (years ago) that aspartame makes it difficult (for me) to concentrate. I hadn't appreciated the discomfort that concentration can cause at inappropriate times until recently... so I couldn't stand aspartame at all. (Or opiates: same effect on concentration. Very uncomfortable.) Lately I've been a bit agitated and noticed an inability to get things off my mind... things I don't need to be thinking about (ever get obsessed over a mundane, boring detail?) So I had a glass of diet cola. I was immediately (!) unable to concentrate. I'd get a thought, begin to act on it, and by the time I met proximity requirements, I'd forget it entirely. Why am I here? With effort I could recall it, but the next day things were at a better level, a middle-ground... only things I wanted on my mind would remain, and they would remain without effort. What's (really) bad about aspartame? Everything bad that I've read has been carefully, and 'officially' rebutted, which makes me very suspicious. I believe it's more neuro-active (is that the right term?) than the press it gets... it gets me downright stoned. I have paid a lot of attention to the (apparent) nature of anxiety and obsession, and it occurs to me that the circuit propagates to consciousness (forgive the mixing of term types here) and is then rewarded top-down, which causes a disorder over time. Aspartame seems to cut it off near the top. I find that (according to theory) my issue is that once it gets so far, it's forced into the very top level (consciousness), and can't be easily inhibited (as a phenomenon) the way it should be. I don't think aspartame addresses this at the root of the issue, which probably has to do with the amount of energy (for lack of a better term) the signal is generated with (at, or closer to the bottom.) But I do think aspartame helps prevent it from getting worse by inhibiting the top-level reward system in the circuit. It also has the effect of addressing the top-level (i.e. manifest) symptoms. I do wonder how well this theory checks out. I understand that when you get down to the circuitry of anxiety, neurologists often get distracted by the amygdala (the bottom) and have a hard time incorperating the holism that their profession requires - i.e. 'what does the top of the chain have to do with the bottom?' is an oft-neglected question (WRT the material with which I'm familiar.) So am I making sense, or far too many assumptions? Click here to delete the diary Click here to move onto the next diary. Click here to kill yourself. You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary. Posted by tps12 1 bag tea 1 c water sugar and milk or lemon Bring water to boil. Add tea and simmer until brown and fragrant. Add sugar and milk or lemon to taste. Garnish with doily and serve piping hot. Serves 2. Click here to delete the diary. Click here to move onto the next diary. Click here to kill yourself. You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary. Posted by Squigs My parents wish to know what I want. Apart from more space to store all my crap, I have no idea. Six feet under I don't want anything that costs less than £300. Ah well. I sent a generic list of suggestions of books and DVDs. Really need to work out what to do that day too. I have a day off because there's no way I'm going to work on my birthday, but I haven't a clue what to do with that day off. Most people - rather rudely - have jobs. Batterseas Arts Centre sent a request to their email list (which I'm on 'cos I did theatre workshops there) a request for face dancers. I have no friggen idea what they are, so I googled it. I think I'll turn them down. The media seems to be out for blood after that brazillian guy was shot. I still have no idea why they thought the guy was middle eastern though. I'd have thought most Londoners can tell the difference between Asian and Iberian. Also bizarre that the police missed 3 times at point blank range. Bet they find a scapegoat. Six Feet Under seemed a lot more depressing than last season. It's always been pretty dark, but usually there's some decent chuckles as well. Only laughed once this time. Maybe it will pickj up or maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Click here to delete the diary. Click here to move onto the next diary. Click here to kill yourself. You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary. Posted by Merekat Cost of flight - ?0.25 Cost of taxes and charges - ?22.05 LHuSi pints - priceless So I'll be over in London for a lightning visit after all. It is a long way to go for a pint so that pub better have cider. 4th day of no coffee, alcohol, refined sugar, wheat, milk, cheese or red meat. I'm beginning to experience an odd thing. I think it is called energy. That and I'm bloody starving. Roll on day seven. Then I'll probably blow away the record with an espresso breakfast, a baked camembert with crusty white bread, a glass of red wine and a chocolate mousse. Yeah:) IMO that is the only point in this detoxing lark - to make you appreciate what you missed. Weather wet, lawn increasingly longer. I think you could probably watch it grow. Oh well. Hopefully the house will still be visible from behind the thistley grass plains by the time I get around to cutting it. I don't think it grew this much in an entire year of neglect:( Click here to delete the diary. Click here to move onto the next diary. Click here to kill yourself. You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary. Posted by Herring And welcome to Thursday. So, yeah it is one month's notice. There's fun. I wonder if it's possible to read the whole intarweb in that time. Finished reading Cloud Atlas. Quite entertaining. I think I'll have to re-read to get more out of it. Nearly good satire but probably been done before. Who needs satire anyway? My brother has a business idea which involves intarweb technology. I really ought to read his documents. A quick skim makes it look like it's worth a try. I am more popular than Billie Piper- which is unexpected. And what have people got against XTC? Something for the guitar fans. Good god, I'm bored. Click here to delete the diary. Click here to move onto the next diary. Click here to kill yourself. You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary. Posted by Bobdole Pimm's -- hot or not -- The week that has been and is going to be summed up. Eye surgery... Lack of love life I've just rediscovered Pimm's. For some reason I haven't had it for ages. But it's really great mixed with sprite... Hats of for mister Pimm... Tomorrow I'm heading over to the Uni again, it hasn't actually started yet (starts on Monday) but I'm gonna see some old people for kicks and I've said yes to help some foreign-students getting started. I've been a foreign student myself once, and by George it reeks! At least I knew the language when I turned up, but still. Had a minute row with the ex on Sunday, not being teh brightest and most elegant of gentlemen I kinda said things a bit more rough than necessary. Not cool that stuff ended that way, but I guess I'm through patching stuff up with her. It always ends in tears anyway. Kinda depressing in some ways, but it was a long time coming I guess. So my eating-habits it's getting back on track and I guess I'll sort myself out. I do miss her however, loads. She's been a doll, she's taught me loads about myself and life. Bless her... Dead shocked by Alice Pulley's new fangled-self. I'd always imagined him getting back together with C sooner or later... Had some minor eye-surgery last week (cosmetic actually, removed a boil) and I can now attest that injecting stuff -- with a syringe -- into the eye SUCKS and more importantly I've discovered the reason why the pill is intended for women and not men. I did get an antibiotic -- a type which Google tells me that WHO frowns upon -- which was supposed to be dripped into the eye every other hour while you're awake. Sounds dead simple, after 5 days (essentially what should've been the whole period I was supposed to use it) I probably manage to drip the stuff approximately 6 times. This includes me forgetting it completely the last 2 days... I even had the bottle in my pocket the whole time... I gotta hand it to you girls, those of you that keep up, taking anything regularly (that isn't lifesaving) is over my head! Munch munch, and now it seems like I'd have to get a new bag of baby carrots for tomorrow. Click here to delete the diary. Click here to move onto the next diary. Click here to kill yourself. You take the appropriate action. There are no more new diaries left. You go to bed, exhausted, but assured in knowing you will have to do it all again tomorrow. The sun cruelly breaks the night sky and you awaken. Its time to read the diaries on your website again. You groan, cringe by knowing that they will all look the same. They always do. But you suck it up and type the URL into Internet Explorer.... Click here to start reading new diaries again. You simply cannot take it anymore. The relentless blabber, The stupidity. The fact that there are no trolls. You find your glock that you bought from the incident where RMS tried to molest you, point it at the temple of your head, and follow with the eternal embrace of silence. THIS IS THE END. TO PLAY AGAIN, PLEASE HIT THE 'HOME' KEY. You are Eric Goldstein: inmate number 47733 in the Auschwitz Nazi concentration camp. Your days are spent doing hard, manual labor and being beaten by guards. Occassionally you are given something to eat and drink. You are perpetually hungry, thirsty and naked. You want to rush one of the guards, but you know you will be killed immediately if you do this. You are hungry like you've never been hungry before in your life. You are trying to go to bed after an intense day of getting your ass beaten by guards, when you observe a 10 year old boy eating a loaf of bread. Click here to beat the shit out of the kid and take his bread. Click here to remain starving and go to sleep. You walk over to him and give him a good, firm kick to the head. He drops the bread immediately and starts to cry. Another kick in the face forces him to shut the fuck up. Click here to continue. You try to forget you ever saw the food. You turn away and go to bed. Eventually you fall asleep in spite of your hunger and have a pleasant wet dream of fucking Natalee Holloway. Click here to continue. You wake up the next day and the guards call a meeting. "We have a very exciting opportunity for you," said one of the German guards, in piss-poor English. "Wha... I can't go on... my family." An old Jew was having a break down. Two of the guards walked over, and, in a seemingly well-practiced motion, shot him in the head virtually simultaneously. He dies immediately. The guards continued: "You get to go for a walk, outside of this camp. You will MARCH! But, those of you who need to take a shower first, raise your hand, and we will let you shower." Click here to take a shower. Click here to go on the death march. You opt to take a shower. You walk in the showering room with about 20 to 30 other males. You are all naked, and you can't help but notice that virtually all of their penises are substantially bigger than yours. You wait for the water to turn on, but nothing happens for 5 or 10 minutes. The situation is getting tenuous. Finally, a guard comes in and informs you that the water will be flowing in minutes. Suddenly, a coloured, oderful gas comes from the ceiling. It makes you choke and wease like nothing you've ever experienced. Like all Jews, you have a superior understanding of physics. You solve the diffusion equation in your head for these boundary conditions, and find the spot where the gas will spread the latest. Click here to go to the best spot in the shower. Click here to try to kick out the door and break free. : You are about to go on a death march. You walk out of the camp - all at gunpoint - and continue walking for countless miles and hours. You are not given any food nor any time to sleep. This continues for an uncountably long time -- days, perhaps weeks. Finally, you are allowed to take a break. You don't think you can take much more of this. You have a great desire to escape. When everyone else is sleeping, it now occurs to you that this might be an ideal time to run away. Click here to try to run away. Click here to stick with the death march. You slink down in the corner. Your fellow Jews are passing out and dying all around you. All you can do it hope for the best. By some miracle, the gas shuts off! You and 2 other Jews are still leaving. The gas eventually dissipates through air vents and you can breathe again. Unfortunately, ten Nazi guards come strolling through the door and shoot the three of you without any further thought. You die immediately. The End. You attempt to kick out the door. You struggle and struggle. Oxygen is rapidly being depleted. You don't have much time... You finally break the door open. It took more effort than you knew you had in you, but you did it. Unfortunately, virtually all of your other Jews are already dead from the toxic gas. To your surprise, there are no guards waiting outside of the door. It appears that they seemed to assume everyone would die. You find your fellow Jews lining up for the death March. Better this than death. Click here to go on the death march. You attempt to run away. You get about 20 yards away when a Nazi guard stands up and orders you to stop. Every other Jew is still asleep, getting some much-needed rest. Oblivious to what is happening, the Nazis ask you one last time to stop - you refuse, and are shot in the head. You are killed immediately. The End You decide to stick with the death march. You continue to march and march for countless hours. At some time - and you aren't sure, because you are delusional - you are liberated. Apparently, the United States kicked the German's asses, singlehandedly. They accomplished what no other European nation could do. You go to America and excel in physics. Unfortunately for you, you are still a Jew. When you die, you meet with God in the front office of Heaven. There is no room for dissenters, he informs you. He produces Jesus Christ and accuses you of killing him. You are banished to Hell for eternity. As it turns out, Hell is much much worse than the Nazi concentration camp.

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