Kuro5hin.org: technology and culture, from the trenches
create account | help/FAQ | contact | links | search | IRC | site news
[ Everything | Diaries | Technology | Science | Culture | Politics | Media | News | Internet | Op-Ed | Fiction | Meta | MLP ]
We need your support: buy an ad | premium membership

[P]
i would seriously like

By wampswillion in wampswillion's Diary
Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 05:38:08 PM EST
Tags: User Diary (all tags) 		User Diary

some input here.  most of you are guys, yes?
ok, here's the situation.  i started dating someone but i was very upfront and honest about that i had no idea if i could handle anything more than a "just dating" relationship and that i really preferred it if he kept dating this other girl that he'd been seeing for sometime.   he agreed that he was ok with that.  

well first thing he does is start telling me how he knows i don't feel the same way back but that he believes he's falling in love with me.  
so i tell him maybe i should hit the road because i don't feel that way about him.  and he says ---no, it's his decision, that i was honest with him about where i stood etc.   and it's his choice as to whether he can handle it or not.  

so i guess because i'm so lonely, i say ok.  
but NOW.  he tells me that the girl he's been seeing besides me has broken things off with him because she wants more with him.   that she wants a real relationship with him not a "just dating" thing.    

sigh.   do i get out of here now???  i get the hell out of here now, right???

i do not ever want to hurt someone the way that i was hurt.  and i'm afraid that i'm going to if i hang around.   and i'm afraid he's not strong enough to say "forget this."  

Sponsors

Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure

Login

Related Links
o wampswillion's Diary

Display: Sort:
i would seriously like | 146 comments (146 topical, editorial, 0 hidden)
end it harshly (2.50 / 4) (#1)
by thekubrix on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 05:43:42 PM EST

basically, you're fucking with him without even knowing it, which is what women do best because they're can't fucking analyze such things....

In his stupid fucking mind you're essentially playing hard to get, in other words, you're something he can't have and so now he wants it.....

Ever seen a dog that can't stop humping someone's leg? Thats him right now unless you begin to terminate the relationship.....

If you go all pussy about it, hes going to continue to become obsessed and then when you REALLY can't take more of his shit, THEN you'll absolutly crush his fucking life......

good job sistah

That's a fine mess... (none / 0) (#2)
by less than three on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 05:46:27 PM EST

...you've set yourself up for. Frankly, if the guy wants to drop his other girlfriend for the sake of not getting beyond "just dating" with you, that's his choice. I'm going to go so far as to venture that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. Since you've been honest with him, I don't see you as being at fault; all the same, this still isn't likely to end well. I think you need to be talking to him right now, reitterating the fact that you don't want a relationship.

Perhaps the bigger question is why you're getting yourself into this situation in the first place, though. You are, if memory serves, on your fourth decade, and at that point even MEN start looking for real relationships. So why are you "just dating?" I'm not going to tell you that you should hop into the first relationship that comes your way, but ruling it out as even a possibility seems a little extreme. That's bound to frustrate most anyone you date, especially at this point in their lives.

--
orz

Yeah, pretty much (none / 0) (#3)
by LilDebbie on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 05:48:23 PM EST

Does he know where you live?

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -
Love (none / 0) (#5)
by ankarbass on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 05:51:24 PM EST

is inversly proportional to ass size. The other girl has a bigger ass than you. If you grow your ass his love will diminish and you can keep the relationship in the dating window.

Be careful though, if you grow it TOO big then you might lose his love and find it hard to get someone else to love you.

hope this helps

The problem is. . . (none / 1) (#11)
by thankyougustad on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 05:55:27 PM EST

you are a mature lady with presumably a lot of experience. You are putting forth a very serious and nuanced question, and asking a bunch of unsophisticated 15-25 year olds what you should do. It won't work.

However, because I believe you are earnest, I will give you my opinion. Stick it out and see what happens. If you see that you will never get what you want (a no stress, low maintenance, static relationship) then you can bail out. There isn't any rush.

No no thanks no
Je n'aime que le bourbon
no no thanks no
c'est une affaire de goût.
I will give you the best advice I can. (none / 0) (#31)
by Lemon Juice on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 06:09:43 PM EST

Do you enjoy his company? Does he make you feel good?

well ok. (none / 0) (#43)
by wampswillion on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 06:27:36 PM EST

you guys keep hashing this out if you want.  i have to go out for a bit.  and i'll check in for more of your sage advice later.  

either that or i'll try to dig up my old eight ball that i had when i was young.  i was going to say quiji board.  but i'm not sure how to spell weegee.  

Cut and run (none / 0) (#48)
by McArabian on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 06:31:28 PM EST

It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. Anytime two people in a relationship feel differently about each other, it's time for one of them to move on. The good news is that the relationship is still fresh, so he's not going to be that hurt when you break up with him.

The bad news is that dating other guys to get over someone in your past isn't the best way to do things (it might work for some people but I've never seen it happen).

You need to figure out WHY you can't get over your past love and work on that before you put yourself out there again.
Just advice from one chick to another.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

OK. (none / 0) (#51)
by mr strange on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 06:38:19 PM EST

  • There's no such thing as 'just friends'.
  • I'd rather risk it, than do nothing for fear of the consequences. Horrible, memories of gut wrenching pain are better than having only "what ifs" to look back on.
  • You have the power to change your life. Familiar surroundings and patterns of behaviour just reinforce your negative feelings. If you really want to feel better, quit your job and move to a new city. Come and live in London!
  • It's hard to give up feeling miserable, especially when your misery is all you have left of someone you love.
While all these nuggets are true, learned from bitter personal experience, I'm not sure what conclusion I draw. Perhaps it's do something! Anything! Just don't do nothing.

If you're anything like me, then I'm guessing that you're still seeing him everywhere. He's in your thoughts as you go to sleep, and he's there when you wake up. If you go out with someone new, you'll spend the whole time thinking about the wrong guy.

You'll know you're getting better when you stop posting to Internet forums about your problems. If I could wave a magic wand, I'd make you quit your job and move on. That's the surest way to build a new you.

* hug *

omniEvents is a high availability messaging service for CORBA.

intrigued by your idea that fascism is feminine - livus

If you enjoy his company-and that is the key- (none / 0) (#54)
by Grayworld on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 06:39:17 PM EST

then stay with it-all the other feelings are just residual hanging on to the last guy and given time, they'll give way to a real appreciation for someone who actually does want you!

If you can't have the one you love-love the one your with (admittedly guys are better at this than girls!).


Fair but a bit unbalanced to be sure!

Falling in love is the beautiful part... (none / 0) (#61)
by Anonymous #n on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 06:50:57 PM EST

It's like those perfect roses that are kept in those magical, glass globes and on display in someone's dining room china cabinet.
Those roses only stay beautiful while carefully imprisoned. They die once removed from their unnatural surroundings.

Too bad youre a dude. (2.00 / 2) (#65)
by weedaddict on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 08:06:55 PM EST



Reality has a certain cynical bias - Cattle Rustler
Don't play these games unless you're a sadist. $ (none / 1) (#67)
by skyknight on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 08:10:01 PM EST



It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
It sorta depends on the guy's situation.... (none / 0) (#73)
by claes on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 08:46:43 PM EST

If he's in a position he's happy with, then perhaps this sort of asymetric relationship can go on just fine, then a better match comes along and you've both had some company passing the time.

I think things are different when you're older. For people in their 20s, wasting a year in the hunt for romance is a big loss. For women looking at child bearing in their 30's it can be a huge loss, since their chance for meeting someone right goes down every day.

If you're both grownups, in no particular hurry, it may very well be ok. If either of you, however are anxious to quickly be in a better relationship, they may end up looking back with regret rather than fondness.

-- claes

Get out NOW! (none / 0) (#80)
by D Jade on Mon Nov 28, 2005 at 09:14:11 PM EST

When you tell someone that you're not interested in more than dating and a bit of fun and then they say that they think that they're falling in love with you, that's your cue to leave.

It doesn't matter whether they think they can handle it or not. The reality is that they can't handle it. Seriously, how is he going to handle his emotions when you're not interested in him like that? What's going to happen is that by hanging out with him for longer, he's going to get more hurt because you don't feel the way he does.

The definition of him handling emotions in this case is to keep them to himself. That doesn't mean that they're not there and it doesn't mean that he's not going to want more. So he can either end up completely resenting you down the track for not loving him back, or you can kick his ass to the curb now and he can get over it.

You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive

DUMP ... HIS ... ASS ... NOW! (none / 0) (#107)
by nlscb on Tue Nov 29, 2005 at 12:07:54 AM EST

Break it off. Tell him in direct words that you never want to see, speak, or hear from him again. You can never "be friends". Change your phone numbers, locks, get a restraining order, move to another state, hire a hitman, whatever it takes. It'll suck a couple weeks for you .. a couple months for him, but you'll both be better for it.

If that technology from Sunshine of the Spotless Mind becomes available, get a crooked doctor to use it on him w/o his consent.

Comment Search has returned - Like a beaten wife, I am pathetically grateful. - mr strange

Why not.. (none / 0) (#109)
by bighappyface on Tue Nov 29, 2005 at 12:14:04 AM EST

...have casual sex and occasionally hang out?

Well, 110 comments so far (none / 0) (#113)
by Sgt York on Tue Nov 29, 2005 at 04:07:08 AM EST

Looks like you got he input you wanted. From a brief scan of the comments, I concur : Say goodbye, turn around and walk away. No see you later, no let's be friends, no maybe in another life, no if-if-if-if, just amputate.

If you honestly are looking for no more than "just dating", and he's doing this, you have only one humane option : Be clear, be brutal, and end it. Sometimes, cruelty is a form of kindness.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.

you love it (none / 1) (#123)
by actmodern on Tue Nov 29, 2005 at 02:40:16 PM EST

you led him on because you love the attention. admit it.


--
LilDebbie challenge: produce the water sports scene from bable or stfu. It does not exist.
i would seriously like | 146 comments (146 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)
Display: Sort:

kuro5hin.org

[XML]
All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. The Rest © 2000 - Present Kuro5hin.org Inc.
See our legalese page for copyright policies. Please also read our Privacy Policy.
Kuro5hin.org is powered by Free Software, including Apache, Perl, and Linux, The Scoop Engine that runs this site is freely available, under the terms of the GPL.
Need some help? Email help@kuro5hin.org.
My heart's the long stairs.

Powered by Scoop create account | help/FAQ | mission | links | search | IRC | YOU choose the stories!