Nuke@Home (Science) By MotorMachineMercenary Sun Jan 9th, 2005 at 07:55:15 AM EST
	My computer is on 24/7 fighting off trojans, viruses and worms and downloading big-tit porn. Since the various P2P applications, IRC and USENET downloaders I have running simultaneously don't use that many CPU cycles I've used my spare CPU cycles to do some good. I started taking part in several crypto challenges, helping break DES and RSA 56 and 64. After them I've run SETI@Home since its first weeks. That amounts to 17353 hours (723 days, a week short of two years) with 1370 work units completed. I've contemplated on folding proteins or cancer research but I've always thought that when it comes to the big picture finding extra-terrestrial intelligence trounces all of our little mundane problems. But just as I'm sure of the correctness of my conviction that search for ETs has the highest utility for my spare CPU cycles, I know that there would be one which would have even higher utility: finding the perfect nuclear weapon. Introducing Nuke@Home.

When Robert Oppenheimer famously declared himself "the destroyer of worlds" he was the first mortal who could justifiably raise himself into a god, if only for a moment. But the early weapons were weak despite the fact that the nuclear physicists were taking bets whether the first test would ignite the atmosphere or not. The two endearingly named little bomblets that were dropped in Hiroshima and Nagasaki were the biggest man-made explosions humans had seen, but they still only killed a few hundred thousand people at most. Gods constantly remind us that we are just dilettantes in destruction with rampant earthquakes, killer tsunamis and Michael Jackson. New nuclear weapons are mostly designed using computers because some naïve, ideological leftist tree-huggers don't like us blowing up dead reefs even though they are thousands of miles away from white people. Nuclear tests have been banned for years now although some of the tougher countries along with France still do them to flex their muscles. But modelling nuclear explosions, fissions, fusions and atom decays is tough job for even the fastest computers out there. That's why governments with nuclear weapons spend copious amounts of money building supercomputers to crunch the numbers so we don't have to crunch atolls in the Pacific. According to the SETI@Home FAQ its distributed computer puts out 15 teraflops. This computing power is more than any known supercomputer. I'm sure there are faster supercomputers deep under the Rockies, Big Ben or the Louvre. But those computers cost hundreds of millions of dollars to build and operate. For a tiny fraction of that money they could build a distributed computing platform, à la SETI@Home, to make the same calculations cheaper and faster. But like any grand project, there are obstacles. Fortunately none of them are grave. In order of threat level: OSS zealots. We can't have some enemy agent or terrorist tampering with the program so we need closed source code. OSS zealots would likely balk at this in their typically unpatriotic, anti-capitalistic way and boycott the project. So what? Well, they command much of the potential CPU cycles since they have the best computers ("boxen") to run that video of Janet's nipslip in 1600x1200 with 16+ million colors, smoothly. The solution is to "leak" the source code for Nuke@Home. The little shits will take the source code apart and build their own version which will run faster, better and more efficiently. They will release it and give the results to everyone including the Enemy, using leftover money from donations to buy ads in Financial Times to promote "free" software and other forms of communism. Of course we will have leaked the wrong code and integrate the improvements they will foolishly release os "open source" into our engine. The OSS zealots' CPU cycles are lost but it's better for them to go snipehunting than eroding Microsoft's bottom line further. The same naïve, ideological leftist tree-huggers who like inhabited wastelands more than national security. These are easy to take care of. When Nuke@Home launches we will do what we should've done before the Cold War ended: put them all in internment camps in the Antarctica chipping ice cubes off the glaciers for our gin&tonics. Syria. I don't know exactly how they are a threat, but we need to take care of that little shithole terrorist breeding ground before they unleash their suicidal armies on us. They would be taken care of with nukes, preferably. I am sure we would find hundreds of thousands of enthusiastic, patriotic volunteers for Nuke@Home. Not only that, I see great future for such a project. Nuke@Home could come pre-installed on Windows machines for hefty tax-cuts for Microsoft. Running it for so-and-so many hours would get you tax cuts (these would be appropriately funded by cutting health care). And I'm sure it would quickly become a patriotic duty for people to have Nuke@Home running as a screensaver on their computer, PS2 and toaster. We could even have people checking on their neighbors that they are running Nuke@Home just to make sure they are doing everything they can to rid the world of evil. I'm personally not interested in such worldly prizes. I want to model those beautiful nuclear mushrooms. I want to lovingly cultivate them on my screen, being anointed by every puff and huff of their plume growing on my screen. I want to experience the same physical engorging as the clouds show. I just want to become god among gods. This is my chance. And this is also your chance to hobnob with Shiva, Zeus, Ukko and Shaitan. Nuke@Home could result in an orgy of deifications leading to divine enlightenment. Let's make it happen. Call your representative today!

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Nuke@Home I want to become destroyer of worlds, too! 33% I want to become death, too! 23% I want to rid world of evil, too! 14% Nukes are cool! 28% Votes: 81 Results | Other Polls

Related Links

helping break DES RSA 56 and 64 SETI@Home folding proteins cancer research big picture Robert Oppenheimer FAQ More on Humour Also by MotorMachineMercenary