Londonistan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
While Londonistan has its own King for Life, "Red" Ken Livingstone (who demands a king's ransom if you want to drive a car in Central London), it is governed by the Russian mafia and stinking rich Soviet oligarchs on the lam from Vladimir Putin and the re-emergence of Communism back home. With their suitcases stuffed with Roubles they have managed to buy up all the good real estate including every football team in the city.
From swanky Kensington Bath Houses they lord it over a population consisting entirely of pigeons, Chav Desis and angry, radical Islamo-Facists banhammered by every other country in the world.
Contents |
[edit] Geography
A huge, sprawling metropolis, Londonistan is split into four main districts each with their own distinct flavour: North (broke Jews), East (ignorant, racist skinheads and desis), West (the stinking rich), and South Londonistan (the property of Jamaica) which -since it's on the other side of the River Thames- doesn't really count as Londonistan.
Londonstanis do not play well together so if you're actually relocating there for work or school, be prepared to assume the appropriate attitude adjustment when moving between neighbouhoods. Make sure you find out which race, class and football team you're supposed to hate and the correct epithets for them before venturing forth.
[edit] Economy
Londonistan's economy relies entirely on Vory imported European prostitutes and Afghan opium and raising young Al Qaeda fanbois and exporting terror to America, an industry in which even the few, white, non-Russians left are involved in some capacity since everyone hates America's freedom and God.
In recent years, it has also become the world's leading source of drama, fucktardery and tabloid fodder thanks to local entrepreneurs, Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse.
[edit] Language
Londonistan is one of the world's most cosmopolitan cities and as such, you'll find many languages spoken here. English isn't one of them. The closest thing you'll find to the Queen's English is Cockney, (better known to Americans as "Gordon the Gecko" talk) and the whole point of Cockney is to not be understood -as in Cockney Rhyming Slang.
[edit] Example
In the below example, the two gentlemen are in a pub and are about to order some drinks.
Bloke: "Init about time you got the Britneys in, you fuckin dustbin lid?
Geezer: "I'm borasic mate. And if you don button yer north and south pdq I'll kick you in the coblers."
Here...
- Britneys = Britney Spears = beers
- Dustbin lid = yid = jew = cheap bastard
- Borasic = borasic lint = skint = broke
- North and south = mouth
- Coblers = coblers awls = balls
Sadly, even Cockney seems to be dying out as talking in gobbledy-gook is now the official language of Londonistan.
[edit] Tourism Highlights
- The home of the "Shoe Bomber", Richard Reid (who invented you taking your shoes off to get on a plane for the rest of your life).
- The homes of the Gatorade Bombers, (who invented you having to check all your bags, buy overpriced airline food & water and read Skymall on every flight you will ever take).
- Pigeon shit covered statues of people and things now unidentifiable.
- Trafalgar Square -enjoy the soothing pitter-patter of these adorable flying rats all over you as you lunch in Trafalgar Square.
- The Tube -an exciting, high-adrenalin, underground, exploding roller-coaster ride.
- Being beaten up by Chavs who lurk outside of every McDonald's looking for "fags" (cigarettes) and "change" (Any amount of money under £1).
- Authentic public executions of Brazillian immigrants by authentic Scotland Yard "Bobbies".
- Experience an authentic Londonistan Happy Slapping courtesy of roving gangs of slappers with attitude. Your souvenir video can be found on YouTube within one business day.
- Football matches -London has roughly 25 football (soccer) teams with enthusiastic fans. Wear an Arsenal shirt to a Chelsea home game for a real taste of the friendly rivalry and lively nature of the home team's fans.
- Being on "the telly" -one of over 9000 (a half million if you're counting) CCTV cameras will have you under surveillance from the second you set foot on a Londonistan street until you leave.
- Getting lost. Finding your way around Londonistan is a great way to spend a good 3/4 of your vacation. An indecipherable maze of streets, lanes, roads, drives, crescents, avenues and traffic circles that go randomly hither and yon, you'll have hours of fun trying to figure out how to get from A to Z.
- Walking Tours -on any given weekend, you'll find a protest march in Londonistan. You'll only need to do this once though since every protest on every weekend is about getting the Jews out of Palestine.
- A night on the town (followed by breakfast in jail) with Pete Doherty -a thrill-packed evening of meeting every drug dealer and seeing every crack house in Londonistan from the back seat of a stolen car with drunken druggy Potty Pete as your driver and guide.
- Brixton Market -a slice of Jamaican heaven in South London. A "must see" for whitey.
- Beckingham Palace -the vacated home of King David Beckham and Queen Posh Spice.
- Dogshit Paridise -birthplace of EDiot ODB.
- Number 10, Downing Street -the official house of George Bush's master Blair.
[edit] Getting Around
You have several choices in getting around Londonistan, from the famous Tube, to the inimitable Londonistan taxi ride, to the double decker bus to driving yourself.
[edit] The London Underground
The London Underground -or, more commonly, The Tube (pronounced "choob") is a marvel of industrial engineering that transports roughly 3 million grumpy Londonstanis to their crap jobs per-day. However, in reality The Tube is a transportational nightmare; the equivalent of being stuffed head first into a sardine can and sent careening down ancient, poorly maintained tunnels (including many built under the River Thames at least 200 years ago) at speeds that would challenge a test-pilot's mettle. The trains and stations (or "stops") themselves are claustrophobic, dilapidated, smell of urine and usually contain violent, drunken gangs of football hooligans who will beat you senseless for looking their way.
Most "stops" also come with the obligatory "busker" -an underground 'street musician' who you have to pay to stop your ears bleeding- in the creepy tunnels to the train platforms where you'll then find schizophrenic tramps who call you 'Lisa' and tell you all about what they had for breakfast.
However, since the Transport & General Workers Union are prone to strike for as little as an extra 30 seconds on their tea break, you may as well forget about the train since this renders such things as train timetables pointless and since the London Underground map you'd need to navigate the myriad tubes of the system is actually a picture of a plate of spaghetti, you'd best take a taxi or the bus.
[edit] Taxi
Licensed taxi drivers are recognisable by their classic black taxis. These gents are well versed in getting around Londonistan's comlex layout having taken a test called The Knowledge. However, they really appreciate being alerted to new routes to destinations by passengers, especially if you are eating a take-out curry in the back of the cab at the time. When you find yourself dropped off in the middle of nowhere , you'll easily find a "gypsy cab", identifiable by the pungent aroma of body odour and a driver who doesn't speak English.
[edit] Bus
All bus drivers are miserable, petty, little men and women. They have eyeballs that continously roll around into the back of their heads. London bus drivers speed up at pelican crossings when lights are green because they get paid leave for hitting people. It is standard bus driver practise to stop the bus you're on at a random bus stop, tell you the bus is now out of service and kick everyone off. Good luck with that.
The passengers on board the buses dig their faces into newspapers and avoid making any eye contact or conversation with fellow passengers. Each Londonstani thinks himself to be too enlightened to entertain others.
Muslim passengers working for the MI6 now regularly check their backpacks. Two Muslim MI6 operatives who blew up thought they were just running errands for 10 Downing Street. But now they are learning.
[edit] Driving Yourself
Driving around London is practically suicide as the consequences are:
- Being pushed into the nearest building in the vicinity by a white van man
- Having a high speed collision at 1MPH
[edit] 7/7 Bombings
The Underground is despised so much that even people who don't even live in London hate it so intensely that they travel in from hundreds of miles 'up-north' to blow it up; as is what happened on 7/7/2005. The four IRL fucktard trolls who did the bombing, Mohammed Sidique Khan, Shehzad Tanweer, Germaine Lindsay and Hasib Hussain were all apparently "Muslim" terrorists who committed an act of unbelievable violence in protest against the Iraq War. Nothing of the sort was true. The 7/7 bombings show that there is always a small minority of people prepared to do anything to vandalize the London Underground, even if it means blowing themselves and other innocent bystanders to pieces. Unless people confront the minority of psycho-trolls that seem to exist everywhere you go and how rubbish the Underground is there will never be peace.
Uh oh! Jews did London?
An eyewitness has published a book claiming that the entire bombing episode was as staged as an episode of Coronation Street. But since the eyewitness is a person of colour, most Londonstanis don't really care. The 4th Bomb by Daniel Obachike
[edit] "Londonistan" The Book
A book by Melanie Phillips rushed out after 7/7. Is it possible to be a troll without knowing that you're a troll? Melanie Phillips doesn't like the Muslims and has called for the Re-Christianisation of Europe. It's funny, like a trainwreck is funny or shouting racial epithets; with or without people listening.
All Muslims are killers. You can help by tearing off their veils in the street and filming it on your mobile phone.
[edit] Recreational Fun
- Having your son being kidnapped by gangstas and having to work for them to get him back
- Getting a job as a copper and getting stabbed 10 times, shot 5 and bing run over by a crackhead
- Having traditional London recreational stuff by pissed and getting done for drunk driving, A or GBH, asault, indecent exposure, rape, murder, manslaughter, affray, public outrage, public disorder, mugging, dogging, stealing and more stuff.
[edit] Famous Londonstanis
Londonistan (formerly London) is the capital city of England and the United Kingdom as a whole -at least in the minds of elitist Londonstanis, most of whom think that there is nothing else outside of Londonistan. Many also consider it to be the capital of the Eurabian Union.
- The Queen
- OldDirtyBtard
- Margaret Thatcher
- Gordon Brown
-
Posh Spice(gone to Bel Air). - Guy Fawkes
- Pete Doherty & Amy Winehouse (same-same...only different)
- Jack The Ripper
- Lily Allen
- Mary Poppins
- Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace
- Paddington Bear
- EastEnders
[edit] Londonstani Attention Whores (TL;DR)
- Richard Reid -aka The Shoe Bomber
- The Gatorade Bombers and friends -aka:
- Ahmed Abdullah Ali, born 10 October 1980 (Walthamstow, London E17). Was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006.
- Cossor Ali born 14 December 1982, (Walthamstow) is a 23-year old mother of an eight-month-old baby. She was charged with having information which she knew or believed might be of material assistance in preventing the commission of another person namely, Ahmed Abdullah Ali, of an act of terrorism and failed to disclose it as soon as reasonably practicable. Contrary to Section 38B (1) (a) and (2) of the Terrorism Act 2000.
- Mehran Hussain was charged with having information which he knew or believed might be of material assistance in preventing the commission of another person namely, Nabeel Hussain, of an act of terrorism and failed to disclose it as soon as reasonably practicable. He was released on 1 November when a District Judge ruled there was insufficient evidence to try him.
- Nabeel Hussain, born 10 March 1984, (Chingford, London E4). He was charged with conspiracy to murder and terrorism on 29 August 2006.
- Tanvir Hussain, born 21 February 1981, (Leyton, London E10). Was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006.
- Umair Hussain, born 9 October 1981, (Walthamstow), brother of Mehran Hussain. A hospital administrator, recently visited Pakistan with his grandmother, friends say. He was arrested on 9 August and charged on 24 August 2006, under section 38b of the Terrorism Act 2000 with failing to disclose information about his brother Nabeel Hussain. He was released on 1 November when a District Judge ruled there was insufficient evidence to try him, although he remains on the financial sanctions list, unlike his brother who was never listed there.
- Mohammed Yasar Gulzar was charged with conspiracy to murder and terrorism on 29 August 2006.
- Assan Abdullah Khan, born 24 October 1984, (Walthamstow). Assan is studying at the University of Hertfordshire.
- Arafat Waheed Khan, born 18 May 1981, (Walthamstow) lived with his younger brother Assan at a semi-detached house The brothers were known locally as proficient amateur mechanics who helped to fix neighbours’ cars. Waheed is married with a baby. They prayed daily at a mosque close to their home. He was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006.
- Adam Khatib, born 7 December 1986, (Walthamstow) was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006
- Abdul Muneem Patel, born 17 April 1989, (Clapton, London E5)
- Mohammed Usman Saddique, born 23 April 1982, (Walthamstow) 24, worked at his brother’s pizza restaurant. Nicknamed Uzi, he is “highly educated” and a fitness fanatic, say friends, but had a rebellious streak. Police took videos and computer disks from his house.
- Ibrahim (The Idiot) Savant (formerly Oliver Savant), born 19 December 1980, (Walthamstow) was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006.
- Amin Asmin Tariq, born 7 June 1983, (Walthamstow) He is an airline employee who has a 24-hour, all-areas pass at Heathrow airport. He had transferred to Jet Airways in March 2006 from G4S. Jet Airways has suspended him pending further investigation.
- Shamin Mohammed Uddin, born 22 November 1970, (Stoke Newington, London). The former body-builder is understood to have suffered from mental illness after a violent assault which temporarily left him in a coma. He was charged on 29 August 2006 with conspiracy to commit murder and terrorism.
- Waheed Zaman, born 27 May 1984, (Walthamstow) is a final year biomedical science student at London Metropolitan University. He is president of the college Islamic society and lives opposite the Queen’s Road mosque where at least eight of the suspects are believed to have worshipped. Friends say he was too busy revising for exams to be a bomb plotter. A Tabligh Jamaat follower, the group’s preachers regularly visited the mosque where most of those arrested in East London worshipped. He was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006.
- Shazad Khuram Ali, born 11 June 1979 Runs a car trading company which is believed to have employed fellow suspect Assad Sarwar. Accounts show that the company made an £11,000 loss last year. Neighbours have complained about the building of a makeshift mosque in his back garden. Recently visited Pakistan.
- Umar Islam (formerly Brian Young), born 23 April 1978 was a ticket inspector on London buses during the 7 July 2005 London bombings when he helped search for bombs on other buses and assisted victims of the Tavistock Square bus bomb to safety. He was charged with conspiracy to murder and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006.
- Waseem Kayani, born 28 April 1977 A taxi driver who lived with his parents and wore western clothes. Neighbours say he had a pronounced limp and had shaved his head while retaining his long beard. He recently returned from Pakistan with a new bride.
- Assad Sarwar, born 24 May 1980 is said by his family to have become a Tabligh follower after dropping out of university. His brother, Amjad, said: “He was at Tablighi Jamaat, which is a sect in Islam which encourages the youth to grow beards, pray five times a day and, how the Prophet lived on a daily basis, that’s how you should run your life. He got actively involved in that and thought that religion is more important than study.” He was charged with conspiracy to murder, contrary to Section 1 of the Criminal Law Act 1977, and with preparing acts of terrorism under section five of the Terrorism Act 2006. Amjad Sarwar was falsely implicated in the plot by the Guardian, the Observer, the News of the World, the Mirror, the Daily Mail, the Mail on Sunday, the Evening Standard, the Independent, the Times, the Daily Express and the Daily Star; the publishers of these newspapers apologised and paid him £170,000 compensation on 28 November 2006.
- Abdul Waheed (formerly Don Stewart-Whyte) (not on the bank's list), born 1986. Son of a former Tory agent, half brother of model Heather Stewart-Whyte, a successful model who lives in North London. She has said that she has never met her half-brother.
- Bev Giesbrecht , a Superjew who converted to Islam and runs Jihadunspun.com makes frequent trips to Londonistan. Her website provides fap fodder for wannabe shoebombers.
