Santa Claus

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The heavily bearded 'Claus' in a rare unguarded pose

'Santa Claus' is a fat German man long sought by authorities in connection to many thousands of late night break-ins, during which he is alleged to have 'observed children whilst sleeping' before leaving his notorious and somewhat ambiguous calling card: a gaily colored curved 'rod' made of candy. Santa also made an appearance in the movie "Home Alone" starring Oprah.

"Santa" is an anagram of "Satan". Coincidence?

1 History
- 1.1 Criminal Record
2 Culture
3 Transport
4 Diet & Home Life
5 Speculation & Suspicion

[edit] History

Santa Claus (aka Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Papa Christopher, Chris Tingle) first became known to the popular media in 1955, when, inspired by the then famous 'Coca Cola[1]' brand he swapped his traditional leiderhosen for a warmer red number and became an overnight sensation. It is speculated that, by endorsing the cola, he quickly became addicted to its iressistable qualities

Coca-Cola Claus

[edit] Criminal Record

Santa's criminal record can kick Freddy Krugor's criminal recods'sesse's ass. He is notorious for breaking into little children's homes and rapeing them very, very hard. There have been 5,430,553,603,569 records in the past 100 years. Although cum samples are found everywhere and and the CSI knows exactly how he looks like, he's in the fucking north pole you can't catch him there!

[edit] Culture

Embraced by a variety of cultures worldwide, Santa Claus allegedly possesses the ability to 'morph' or 'transmogrify' to resemble a human of any genetic group or minority (see examples right). This ability has led to a deal of suspicion and accusations of witchcraft & magicks amongst certain primitive cultures (see Texas). During the infamous 'Claus Riots' of 1971 chocolate effigies of Claus were burnt by many *****stitious Texans, who were later subdued by means of sodomy.

Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!

Santa loves your 9 year old daughter

A Middle Eastern Claus

An early example of a British Claus

An Amish Claus

An Aboriginal Claus

This is the last known sighting of Santa as of Last Thursday

The future of Santa?

[edit] Transport

Santa Claus is alleged to transport himself by means of a sleigh (or sledge) drawn by a team of 6 or 7 reindeer (or caribou): Dasher, Dancer, Dandy, Primper, Comet Superstore, Vixen and Randy. However, science has proven that he in fact travels through a rip in the space time continuum and is only possible to open if you are fat and gay.

[edit] Diet & Home Life

Little is known of Santa Claus' private life (although rumours that he has married for political reasons abound). His dietary requirements are unusual, being almost exclusively of the lactose and wheat-based variety.

[edit] Speculation & Suspicion

Christians get upset about the fat man, on account of Santa is Satan's counterfeit of the Lord Jesus Christ.

"Once you get that child believing with all their heart in Santa then the next logical step is – Jesus and Santa they’re both the same – and they're both a LIE."