AOL

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AOL is loved by all species.
AOL is loved by all species.

Stands for "America Online" and was created At least 100 years ago. Sometimes referred to as "AOHell", "gAyOL", or "my shitty internets". One of the last surviving online services from the pre-home internet days. It originally offered an entire online system with limited internet access. Today it offers banal, mainstream content for an exorbitant fee and few useful features. It creates a warm, fuzzy, safe-feeling environment for those who fear being on the internets alone.

AOL is now predominantly known as the ISP of soccer moms, 16 year old girls and a veritable myriad of people with no internet savvy. It is also the largest ISP in the world. An irony about AOL is its creation and ownership of the AOL Instant Messenger system which is heavily used by many people who have a vehement hatred for AOL the ISP, but don't hesitate to use the AOL IM feature as it is so ubiquitous amongst internet users that there is almost no escaping it. In other words, you hate AIM but have to use it because all of your friends are too stupid to use anything better. Also, AIM is guaranteed to make your computer 100% slower.

You're supposed to talk in all caps if you use AOL. It's part of their TOS.

When AOL is referred to as an ISP, this is somewhat incorrect, AOL is actually considered a "content provider" as opposed to an Internet access provider. This is due to the fact that you must read at least a nominal part of AOL content before being given access to the raw Internet. But no one gives a shit.

AOL will never stop billing your credit card. Never.

Contents

[edit] AOL and Old People

AOL has many functions that your parents will never be able to comprehend, so when visiting them, make use of that fact. There are 4 steps to follow to confuse and scare your parents:

  1. Wait until they get up to do something.
  2. Go Here
  3.  ???
  4. PROFIT!

When they come back, they won't have a clue as what to do next. If noone else is around, you can make use of this time to steal their money and leave.

[edit] AOL CDs

AOL discs make great wuss armor.
AOL discs make great wuss armor.

Back in the day when AOL was the predominent Dial-up host, they offered these wonderful CDs to everyone. People soon found that these round plastic disks offered more fun that AOL could ever offer. Below are some usages of the disks that anyone living in the United States is bound to have laying around.:

  1. Coasters
  2. Frisbee
  3. Fly Swatter
  4. Ninja Stars
  5. Target Practice with Pellet guns
  6. Monster Rancher monsters
  7. Hood / rear-view mirror ornaments
  8. Inserting into anal passages
  9. Decapitating pigeons
  10. A castration device
  11. Leveling furniture
  12. Pooper scooper
  13. The next Boston bomb scare

...and Many more!

The Ancient Chinese found a good use for all their AOL disks.
The Ancient Chinese found a good use for all their AOL disks.

[edit] So you got the sack? Take a piss in the soup mate

At the start of August 06' after a frankly hilarious drop of about 16 million (lol, 50%) of the used since AOL's plateau last Thursday, their huge fetid cock swung into action cutting 5000 jobs worldwide while mumbling about its move from service provider to go and powder its nose. On 4th August foul noises were heard coming from the corner office at AOHell HQ, most people believe this was the sound of Jonathan Miller (CEO) sucking Satan's cock, Amen. Concurrently, on a lower floor at the same location and at the exact same time a grateful soon-to-be ex employee was about to release the results of 500,000 AOL user searches in to the wild, amen again. Much lulz ensued after some geeks actually trawled the 10 200mb .tex files and posted the most interesting finds around the internets. These go from the desperate, to the fully insane, typifying most AOL'ers mental states. Also AOL are now to offer free domain names to anyone that wants one. So they can now be the proud owner of the one you find and squat. AOLism, your not alone.

[edit] AOL as a great tool for vandalism

Show the world how you feel about AOL... or at least the driver behind you.
Show the world how you feel about AOL... or at least the driver behind you.

AOL's system of changing IPs guarantees that if a wiki bans one person, they ban a lot. Also since your IP changes all the time, you can't be tracked down by your IP. Willy on Wheels used this to his advantage in vandalism.


[edit] AOL is now free

Goodbye AOL CDs. As of last thursday, AOL has decided to offer its service free of charge to users who already have a high speed internet connection. Those still on dial-up will continue to pay a fee to use the AOL service. However, subscribers to the "AOL for Broadband" service, where you bring your own high-speed internet connection to the party, will no longer have to pay subscription fees. This will result in a projected 2 billion dollar loss in revenue for the company and will hopefully lead to their demise.

AOL will also not continue to offer their customer support to these customers, eliminating their iron fisted TOS system and giving noobs and 16 year old girls everywhere a chance to really express themselves with talk of dead babies and use of the words fuck and ass. This change in policy will of course also crush the soul of your mom, taking away her ability to stick it to the man by stealing paid services from AOL using fake names and credit cards.

Of course, no one cares because everyone who uses AOL is a furry. Fuck AOL.

[edit] AOL Speak

All users of AOL are 12 year old l337 wannabees. FACT. Take this article for example, rendered in AOL:

STANDS FOR M3RICA ONLIEN AND WAS CR3AETD AT LEAST 10 YEARS AGO!!!!111! OMG WTF LOL SOM3TIEMS R3FAR3D 2 AS AOAL!11111! OMG ON3 OF DA LAST SURVIVNG ONLIEN SERVIECS FROM TEH PRA-HOM3 INTERNET DAYS!1!!! OMG WTF IT ORIGINALY OFERED AN ENTIER ONLIEN SYSTAM WIT LIMIETD INT3RN3T ACES!1!11 OMG LOL 2DAY IT OFERS BANAL MANESTR3M CONTANT FOR AN AXORBITANT FE AND FEW UESFUL FAATURES!111!1!! OMG WTF LOL IT CR3AETS A WARM FUZY SAEF-FELNG 3NVIRONMENT FOR THOSE WHO FEAR BNG ON TEH INTERNETS ALON3 AOL!111!1 LOL SI NOW PRADOMINANTLEY KNOWN AS DA ISP OF SOC3R MOMS 16 Y3AR OLD GIRLS AND A VARITABL3 MYRIAD OF PEOPL3 WIT NO INTARN3T SAVY!!!!1 OMG WTF IT SI ALSO DA LARGAST ISP IN DA WORLD!11!111 OMG WTF AN IRONY ABOUT AOL SI ITS CR3ATION AND OWNERSHIP OF TEH AOL INSTANT M3S3NG3R SYSTEM WHICH SI H3AVILEY UESD BY MANY PEOPLA WHO HAEV A V3HEMENT HATRED FOR AOL TEH ISP BUT DONT H3SITAET 2 UES DA AOL IM FEATURE AS IT SI SO UBIQUI2US MONGST INTERN3T UESRS TAHT THEYRE SI ALMOST NO ESCAPNG U!1111!!!! OMG WTF SUPOSAD 2 TOK IN AL CAPS IF U UES AOL!!1!1! ITS PART OF THERE 2S WHEN!1!111!! OMG LOL AOL SI R3FERAD 2 AS AN ISP THES SI WUT INCOR3CT AOL SI ACTUALY CONSIEDRED A CONTANT PROVIEDR AS OPOS3D 2 AN INT3RN3T AC3S PROVIEDR!1!11!1!1 LOL THES SI DUA 2 DA FACT TAHT U MUST R3AD AT LEAST A NOMINAL PART OF AOL CONT3NT BFORE BNG GIEVN ACAS 2 DA RAW INT3RNET!!1!1 BUT NO ONE GIEVS A SHIT AOL!!1!!! OMG WTF WIL N3V3R S2P BILNG UR CRADIT CARD!!11!! WTF NEVAR!!!!11!!! LOL

Use this tool to generate retard-speak.


[edit] External links

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