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Nirvana
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Interesting Fact: This article contains an hero. |
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Nirvana is part of a series on An Hero. |
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Formed sometime in the 80s by hack, no-talent wannabe punk pussy Kurt Cobain, Now more commonly known as Kurt Go Bang. Nirvana epitomized the "alternative rock" and "grunge" movements of the 1990s, making them directly responsible for most of today's shit bands. Cobain was dirty, smelly, wrote horrifyingly terrible songs, and sounded like he went over his voice box with sandpaper every night. Naturally every teenage stoner moron adores him. He also killed himself, becoming the VH1 equivalent of Jesus Christ, after spending an afternoon getting drunk alone and listening to King Crimson. As for the other members, who the fuck were they?
"It's better to burn out than to end up a failure like that Kurt Cobain." -Neil Young.
"So blow out your brains like Kurt Cobain and maybe one day you'll be a star." -House Of Pain.
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[edit] Why he shot himself
- Because Courtney didn't give good head (except to Billy Corgan).
- Because he was sent to jail in Monopoly.
- Because he spent hours watching video footage of Budd Dwyer becoming an hero and knew that no matter what he did, his death would never be as fucking awesome, the thought of this alone driving him to his comparitively mediocre suicide.
- Because his stomach hurt after abusing every illegal drug known to man, including Courtney Love.
- Because he called shotgun.
- Because he couldn't think of anyone else to steal music from.
- Because he wanted to take shots in the mouth., amirite? Some argue Kurt was bisexual– maybe he just missed teh cock.
- Because he ran out of Pokémon and he only had a shotgun in his item pocket
- Because he wanted to escape from getting sued for ripping off other bands.
- Because he wanted to lulz the world. It must be noted that Kurt Cobain's use of shotgun mouthwash produced one of the highest recorded lulz to frunz ratios. While his dissappearence produced nearly total lulz, the only frunz was receieved by Courtney Love and the dillusional Nirvana fans, living in their parents basements, watching furry Pr0nz.
- Because he would have done it in 10 years time after he sees all the emo kids worship him
- He didn't want his gay relationship with Dave Grohl to go public
- To become an hero to this very website
[edit] Examples of Nirvana ripping off other artists
- "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is a re-write of the Pixies' "U-Mass", and also steals a riff or something from some Boston or Journey song. The same riffs are used in "Rape Me", only slowed down.
- "Come As You Are"'s riff was stolen from "Eighties" by the post-punk band Killing Joke, which Cobain had a fanboyish love for.
- In his OMGbye note, since Kurt wanted something cool to say, he stole "It's better to burn out than to fade away" from a Neil Young song, which 16 year old girls who know nothing about music history have regurgitated ever since. [2] [3]
- The album title Nevermind is completely taken from a song by the Replacements called "Never Mind." Cobain used all of the powder in his brain and removed the space "after much consideration."
- Cobain tried his hardest to rip off Darby Crash of The Germs, even going so far as to start screaming unintelligibly at the top of his lungs, shooting heroin and sucking dicks. Unfortunately, Darby was still better at all three (at the same time). Cobain got his revenge over a decade later when Shane West was cast to play Darby in a shitty movie made for fourteen-year-old emo kids.
[edit] Idolatry
Even after Kurt did the world a favor and killed himself, many people continue to worship him as God and buy his last-ever single. Not many people realize that he actually ripped the idea off from Ian Curtis, who invented the concept of suicide as a publicity stunt over a decade earlier. Many 16 year old girls have Kurt (or Kurdt) icons while magazines such as Rolling Stone and Spin have developed a sickening necrophiliac lust for him, digging up his corpse and parading it around in every other issue. Stone even named Kurt one of the top 20 guitarists of all time. Even though Kurt never actually learned how to play the guitar, he just punched it a lot.
[edit] Courtney Love
Courtney Love is the crazy bitch who fed a shotgun shell to Kurt Cobain.
Courtney Love was banned from prostitution and residence in Las Vegas after a man got Herpes from looking at her too long.
Moments before Kurt shot himself, Courtney was heard to say, "Hole's gonna be big!"
Coutney now makes her career of smoking crack, sueing people, and ranting delusionally on the internets about how everyone is stealing her money when she really spent it all on face deforming surgery and crack and forgot about it. Because crack is whack. In her spare time, she likes to earn money by selling her dead husband's shit.
Hannah Capps produces baritone covers of Hole songs. Unlike her Tori Amos covers, some people feel Hannah's renditions are actually better than Courtney Love. In particular, Courtney Love lacks Hannah's heartfelt passion when she sings the line "I want to be the girl with the most cake".
[edit] Ways To Troll Nirvana Fans
- Courtney Love wrote the entire Nirvana catalogue.
- Courtney Love is a better musician than Kurt Cobain
- "What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's head? ... His teeth."
- "You know, Kurt Cobain was on the TV ...and the sofa, and all over the walls"
- "What has 4 legs and works at McDonalds? The rest of Nirvana"
- "What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The Wall behind him"
- "Why doesn't Kurt Cobain drive a car? He'd much rather ride shotgun."
- "Whats the difference between Kurt Cobain and Picasso? Picasso didn't sell out after he died."
- "What Do NIN and Kurt Cobain have in common? A hole for a head."
[edit] MURDER
"KURTNEY EL DUCE SHOTGUN RIGOR MORTIS LEGIBLE FINGERPRINTS FORGERY NOTE THREE TIMES LETHAL DOSAGE" are the nearly incoherent words that are spewed forth from Kurt Cobain death conspiracy theorists' when questioned. As if anybody gives a flying fuck.
[edit] HEY GUYS SUM RULE 34 (tl;dr)
Setting my guitar aside, I slightly smiled as the audience clapped and cheered for the band and me. Mainly me, of course. Not that I’m proud of that. But I’m the icing on this band, the person everyone looks at first, the ‘important’ one. The thought makes me want to puke. I hate being so important to people. I hate being relied on. I hate being idolized.
Standing up from my chair, I step down into the crowd and begin shaking hands, hugging people, and hearing different compliments. “That was amazing!” – “Dude, that rocked!” – “You guys were incredible!” – “Best concert I’ve ever been to!” – “Kurt, you’re amazing!” I smiled and thanked the different people, continuing to hug them. After awhile, I heard my name from a familiar voice and waved to the people, walking back onto the stage, leaning down to pick up my pack of cigarettes and lighter. I took one out of the pack and placed it between my thin lips, lighting it and walking to the back of the stage and off of it, walking backstage. I took the cigarette between my index finger and middle finger, inhaling it and looking around for the rest of my band.
“Kurt! Dude, over here.” I turned around; exhaling the smoke as I walked over toward Krist who’d just called me. “Where’s Dave?” I asked, taking another hit of my cigarette. He nodded over toward a crowd of people and I looked over, seeing Dave laughing and talking to a few people. I smiled to myself and eyed him a bit. He was wearing a long-sleeved dark blue turtleneck with black jeans, his hair in a ponytail, slicked back. He looked gorgeous. Krist nudged my arm and said, “Hey, I’m gonna get going back to the hotel.” I nodded and said, “All right. Call me tomorrow in my room whenever you wake up, we’re supposed to get together with this.. guy or something for an interview in a couple days.” He nodded and added in, “And we’re flying out to L.A for a show in a few days, too.” I inwardly groaned and nodded. Giving a slight wave, I watched him walk off and then turned back to Dave. Taking another hit of my cigarette; I made my way over to him.
He looked at me just as I exhaled the smoke and flashed me a smile. I smiled back and the crowed parted for me as I walked up to him, asking, “When do you wanna get going?” He shrugged and answered, “I’d actually like to go now. I already spoke to the MTV producers and they said everything was pretty much done.” I nodded and handed my cigarette over to a random person. She flashed a wide smile and took it as I walked past Dave, nodding for him to follow. He said his good-byes and followed me, walking by my side. “You were amazing, Kurt.” He said and I slightly blushed. He’s the only person who knows how to make me blush.
Looking over at him, I smiled and said, “So were you. I didn’t… I didn’t think we’d pull this off.” He shrugged and slipped his arm around my shoulder in a, what seemed to be, friendly manner, and said, “Hey, we can pull anything off. We’re Nirvana. And you’re Kurt, which means God in some other foreign language.” I laughed quietly and looked over at him, shaking my head a little. “You flatter me, you really do.” I said, stopping. I looked around for any signs of people and saw none, leaning in, pressing a simple kiss to his shaved, smooth cheek. He smiled and asked, “I get more at the hotel, right?” Chuckling, I replied, “Of course, David.”
We walked until we reached the exit and I saw a limo waiting outside. Immediately, I furrowed my brows and felt embarrassed as people all screamed and called our names. “Who got the limo?” I asked, looking at Dave. He shrugged, “I don’t know. Just… ignore it. Let’s just get to the hotel, okay?” I sighed and forced myself not to get too angry as someone opened the door for me. “I can do it.” I muttered, climbing inside. Dave followed in and closed the door behind him, scooting close to me. Looking down at my arm, I ran my hand over the green sweater I was wearing, loving the feel. I felt my face reddening as the limo began moving and grunted quietly, shifting in the seat.
“Why does it embarrass you so much?” Dave asked, nudging my knee with his hand. I looked up at him and stayed silent for a few moments before answering. “It’s just embarrassing. I don’t want people thinking I’m in for this kind of shit. You know I hate fancy things like this, Dave. I never have, I don’t need it.”
“I know you don’t need it, but… you have it, so just work with it, okay?” I didn’t answer him, just sat there silent. Looking down at my hands, I shifted, digging my lighter out of my pocket. I just sat there and played with it, lighting it and then letting it burn out, entertaining myself. I could feel Dave’s eyes on me but I refused to look at him. He reached his hand over and tucked my hair behind my ear, my face now more visible. I shook my head, making my hair fall back in my face and he sighed, letting his hands rest in his lap. It was quiet the whole ride to the hotel and when we finally reached it; Dave opened the door and crawled out, waiting for me to follow, which I did. He closed the door and we walked into the hotel, and he waved at one of the guards who knew we were staying there, pressing the up button on the elevator. It opened and we stepped inside, the doors closing. I pushed my lighter back into my pocket and we both kept quiet as the elevator went up to the second floor.
The doors opened and we stepped out, walking down the hall, still silent. I knew he was a bit disappointed at me. This happens all the time. I hate it. I hate a lot of things nowadays.
Reaching our room, he dug the key out of his back pocket and unlocked it, walking inside. I walked in after him and shut the door, locking it. Walking over toward the bed, I tugged my sweater off and sat it on a nearby chair, watching Dave strip off his own shirt, tugging the hair tie out of his hair, tossing it aside. I sighed and reached my hand up, scratching the side of my neck, looking down at the tan carpet as I muttered, “Sorry.” He smiled faintly and walked up to me, reaching his hands down to the hem of my shirt, pulling it up and I lifted my arms, allowing him to remove the shirt. “Don’t be.” He said, running his hand down my pale chest. I bit the inside of my lip and lifted my eyes to look at him, a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips.
“I wish you’d smile more.” He said quietly, reaching his hands down to my pants, undoing the button. I sighed quietly, muttering, “I don’t like my smile.”
“But I do.” He replied, stepping closer to me, his hands still on my button. Leaning his head in, he pressed a kiss to the side of my mouth and then tilting his head, kissing my neck, sliding my zipper down. I felt his lips part and he slowly ran his tongue over my neck, sucking on the flesh softly. My eyes fluttered closed and I moved my hands down to his own jeans, undoing the button and zipper just as he pulled his head back, pressing his lips to mine. I leaned my head in and kissed him back, parting my lips to touch my tongue to his own. Immediately, he ran his own tongue across mine and began walking backwards, taking me with him. I broke the kiss and turned around, kicking my shoes off, reaching down to tug my socks off also. Pushing my pants down slowly, Dave leaned back in and pressed his lips back to mine, pushing my hands away to push my pants down himself.
Once they were down, I stepped out of them and pulled back from the kiss, sitting down on the bed, moving up to the headboard. Dave slid his own pants down, staying in his boxers as he crawled up onto the bed, his hair hanging past his shoulders. I pulled him down onto me and whispered, “Cut the foreplay, I just want you.” He nodded once, kissing my cheek, sitting up for a moment, squirming around a bit to get his boxers off. I laid my head back on my pillow and watched him, feeling myself harden even more just at the sight of his naked body.
He’s the greatest person alive.
He slid his fingers past the waistband of my briefs and I lifted my hips for him, allowing him to pull them down my legs. I bent my legs and he crawled up between them, resting his naked crotch against my own, sort of rubbing us together. I let out a quiet moan and ran my hands down his sides, whispering, “Kiss me.” Leaning his head down, he kissed my lips softly, parting my lips with his tongue. Our tongues playfully battled and he slowly began to move atop of my body, rubbing us together a bit more firmly and I elicited a moan into his mouth, my nails dragging up his sides. Pushing my hips up for more contact, I pulled away from the kiss, moving one hand to his hair, pushing it back so that I could bury my face into the crook of his neck. Pressing a kiss to his neck, I murmured, “Do it already.” He nodded once and I pulled my legs apart even further, pulling them back and I felt him run his hand down between us, his finger running over my tip to gather my pre-cum and then he pulled his hips back, pressing his finger to my opening. After massaging the cum around my hole, he pulled his hand away – doing all this blindly – and I felt him press his moist tip to my entrance.
“Just go.” I said, and he began to apply pressure. I closed my eyes tightly and let my head drop back from his neck, letting it rest on the pillows below me. I kept quiet the whole time as he finally got his tip past my sphincter, my teeth clenching together as I kept a straight face, used to this pain by now. Once he was buried inside of me fully, he let out a breathy moan, asking quietly, “Move?” I nodded once, my eyes still closed and he shifted his weight, sitting up slightly, bringing one hand to the back of my leg, pushing it back and holding it in place, his hips beginning to slowly move. I squeezed my eyes closed even more when I felt his erection press back inside of me and I let out a quiet moan, my body slightly tensing and my muscles clenching around him.
I let one hand slide up to his shoulder and the other down his side, gripping his hip. My eyes opened slowly and I spoke in an edgy voice, “Wait…switch positions…” He nodded and I felt him begin to pull out of me and I shook my head quickly. “No! No…just, mmph, sit up a little and…and let me pull my legs back…”
“Over my shoulders, baby?” I nodded once and he shifted, sitting up slightly. I pulled my legs back as far as they could go, almost pressing them against my chest and he ran his hands up the back of my thighs, and then to the back of my knees, pushing them up and over his shoulders. I quietly groaned and he held my legs tightly, pulling his hips back, slowly sliding out of me and then pushing back in. I lifted my hand to my head, pushing my hair back and out of my face; my eyes locked up on his face. Adoration filled my eyes and he quickened his pace on his own accord, knowing he’d get no protest. I’d never stop him from doing anything to me.
Moving his hands off my legs, he dropped them down to the bed, letting them rest on either side of me, keeping his thrusts going. I tilted my head back a bit and reached my hands back above my head, gripping the headboard tightly as he continued. “Gonna go harder…” he whispered, pushing his hips harder against mine. The force caused me to gasp and I knew my knuckles were turning white from gripping the headboard so tightly. He shifted his hips yet again and rammed back into me, his tip brushing over my prostate. I let out a loud moan – which is rare for me to do, because I’m usually not too vocal in bed – and he continued on like that, making sure to hit my spot with each thrust he gave.
“Kurt…” he whispered, still pounding into me. “…so close, I’m gonna come. Come so hard…” I groaned at his words, tightening my muscles around his length, which caused him to whimper. I grinned a bit and tightened myself around him again, loosening and doing it repeatedly. His eyes closed and brows furrowed as he moaned, “Oh fuck… I-“ – unable to get his words out, he cut himself off and pressed into me hard and deep, causing me to let out a whimper of my own and I felt him release deep inside of me, a loud, throaty moan falling from his gorgeous lips.
I shifted beneath him and he waited a few moments before pulling out of me, sitting up and letting my legs drop down to the bed. He panted lightly and moved down my body; dipping his head down and taking me deep down his throat. My eyes widened slightly at the unexpected action and I thrusted my hips up into his mouth, whimpering yet again as he ran his tongue up and down my throbbing underside and then around my tip, sucking hard as he bobbed his head up and down. My back began to slowly arch up and my stomach began to tense. I clenched my teeth again and dipped my head back, my jaw relaxing and my lips falling open. Pushing his mouth down further, my tip hit the back of his throat and he swallowed, taking me down impossibly deeper.
“D-Dave…” I whispered, my eyes closing tightly and I finally let out a loud moan, my back staying arched up and he sucked harder and faster, pulling my orgasm from my body. My body shivered and let out a long moan from deep within my throat, licking my lips as he swallowed down my cum, pulling his head back, swallowing slowly and then crawled up my body, pressing his lips to mine. I immediately ran my tongue over his lips, faintly tasting my salty substance and he kissed me slowly and deeply, both of us sharing a breath.
After a few moments, he broke the kiss and licked his lips free of my saliva as I licked my own free of his. Smiling gently down at me he murmured, “You’re unbelievable, Kurt.”
I smiled a little and blushed slightly, lifting my head up to nuzzle it in the side of his neck, pressing a small kiss there, saying, “You flatter me, David, you really do.”
LOL WUT?
ZOMG WTF, TL;DR
[edit] External Links
- Kurt Cobains life in 10 seconds Troll Nirvana fans here for lulz, full of 13 year old boys and mall rats
- Kurt is better off dead
- Kurt O'D ????
- Kurt Cobain does Lazytown
