EDitors and fans: click here to join the ED users mailing list!
Holy Shit!1!! Toronto Police say that ED is a force for good!!
Minneapolis Bridge Collapse
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
 |
 |
 |
| Did you know that...
|
A few months ago, Voldemort and maybe God , tired of non-believers, attempted to punish the unholy fags and muggles of San Francisco by melting a fucking section of freeway to the ground, but sadly failed to actually kill any deserving cunts, or, for that matter, anyone at all. Butthurt after being mocked for his ongoing failure by a mob of faggots, Christ Himself descended to Minneapolis, and did cause a major freeway artery to collapse on August 1st, 2007 around 7:10 p.m. EST. Fox News immediately declared that it was a terrorist attack.
During rush hour traffic, as the highway fell into the Mississippi, 'Murricunts cried a fucking river while they ran around screaming terror Terror TERROR TERROR. It also caused the worst case of mass-whiplash in recorded history. What a TRAGIC DAY FOR PLANET EARTH. OH THE HUMANITY!!! WHY DOES GOD LET SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE? Disappointingly, the Minneapolis police will only confirm that eleven people have been squished to death or suffocated in the vile Mississippi goo, while two (one of the "missing" showed up at work today) people are unaccounted for. The Minnesota Twins baseball game went ahead as scheduled, much to the delight of their roughly 300 fucktarded fans.
The bridge was ruled structurally deficient in 1990, but it is believed that it held up due to 17 years of snowpack. A heat wave eliminated the last of the snow, sending the bridge to its demise and Al Gore straight to his hugbox to wail about global warming.
In honour of the dead, the bridge has been renamed "The Ted Stevens Memorial Bridge to Nowhere".
Recent conspiracy theories of the idea that the bridge never crashed and that it was a covert local cover-up to make the bridge invisible is spreading around the internets. With little proof that the bridge is now invisible and not collapsed , more research is needed to prove that "they" wanted invisible bridges all along because THE GOVERNMENT HATES US.
Contents |
Coverage
Currently every news channel in America is devoting SOME coverage to this horrible tragedy. After all, FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE DIED! and the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD revolves around America's daily business. Such a TRAGEDY, of course, requires the world to stop revolving and look at 30 crappy American cars floating down a hick city's dirty-ass river..
Sixty children, ages four to over 9000, were riding a school bus that was on the bridge at the time of the collapse, returning from a weekly field trip to a water park. The bus made it most of the way across the bridge before the roadway collapsed underneath the vehicle.[1] Reports indicate that all children on the bus escaped safely[2]-- but still, isn't that fucking HORRIFYING?!! Children could have almost died!!!11 [but they didn't]. This school bus incident was not included and blown out of proportion just to scare you, no srsly. But it does reinforce the old joke: What's black, yellow and really funny? A school bus full of niggers driving off a bridge.
Out of respect, all the world's problems have been fixed including the Iraq War being put on hold by all three or four warring sides. Russia is not going to steal all the oil and other goodies from "their" freshly claimed land (the North Pole) until the mourning period is over, and the Chinese economy has stopped the march to its eventual pwnership of America for the glory of Capitalist Maoism dead in its tracks, though (they've thoughtfully sent us lead paint-covered Tickle Me Elmo dolls) in our time of grief. Meanwhile, in Africa... over 9000 niggers died in a train wreck.
Meanwhile, pedophile transsexual sperm bank Nancy Grace will be conducting a special on how the Duke lacrosse team did 35W.
Also according to the media, every bridge in the United States will fall tomorrow.
Filthy Sinners smitten by God
Among the dead are:
Sherry Lou Engebretsen of Shoreview, Minnesota. The 60-year-old's husband and daughters have been waiting for word at the Holiday Inn Metrodome and tonight they have the outcome they feared, but hoped against. She was smote by God for the lulz and being a pediatrist.
Julia Blackhawk of Savage, Minnesota. The 32-year-old was smote by blunt force trauma for being a filthy Indian (or sounding like one) and leaving her reservation.
Patrick Holmes of Mounds View, Minnesota was 36 years old. He was smote in the fall for breaking Rules 1 and 2 (if an Angry God isn't a /b/tard who is?).
Artemio Trinidad-Mena of Minneapolis was 29-years-old and was smote by blunt force injuries for being a Beaner and not turning up for 'work' outside the Home Depot.
There's also a fifth dead body belonging to a truck driver, who was no doubt stuffing his fat face full of Cool Ranch Dorritos while crossing the poorly built bridge. At first, no one knows who he was, leading people to believe that he would have died alone anyway. He was later identified as Paul Eichstadt, 51, of Mounds View and God smote him by slamming his rig into the fallen bridge and setting him on fire for the sin of gluttony and sounding Jewy.
Most distressingly, there is a current lack of dismembered limbs of/or children in the Mississippi, bobbing curiously about like a Louisiana nigger.
The Internet Reaction
The internet reaction was swift, as people not currently covered in rubble or suffocating in the mud of the Mississippi realized the inherent corruption of lol in the situation, and appropriately and promptly, began shopping the overused 4 photos of the now-deceased bridge. Posting them in various forums and chatrooms followed, in hopes that others would join in laughter rather than tears.
Ludicrous Theories
Certain segments of the population, rather than learning the obvious lesson of WORSHIP CHRIST OR HE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, have chosen to believe various untruths and lies.
Pre-Existing Structural Problems
The Governor of Minnesota, in his infinite wisdom, recently vetoed a bill which would have provided additional funding to repair bridges and freeways, which are a fucking mess in Minnesota because it fucking snows bricks and knives every winter and erodes the structural integrity of the roads. However, the people of Minnesota are so fucking stupid that they would prefer to fail at preventing disasters, and elect dumbshits like Jesse Ventura and Tim Pawlenty to the highest elected position in the state.
Jews
It turns out that right before the bridge collapsed, it was undergoing resurfacing, in order to once again keep the residents of Minneapolis from noticing that the bridge was GOING TO FUCKING FAIL.
After the bridge collapsed, one of the construction workers, a Jew, was unaccounted for. Naturally, this has aroused grave suspicion among noted scholars, who note the underlying similarities between this situation and the absence of four thousand Jews at their jobs on the morning of 9/11.
George "Fuck You" Bush
Another possibility is that #America chanop George W. Bush, with his administration under multiple investigations and with a disapproval rating approximating the percentage of people who believe the moon landing was faked, decided to have the bridge destroyed in order to take all the attention off the the sheer ineptitude of his administration.
He set the wheels in motion by delegating the maintenance of all of Minnesota to ex-FEMA director Mike "Heckuvajob" Brown, and quite naturally everything else took care of itself. In support of this theory, the Department of Homeland Security stated that terrorism was not the cause of the collapse, which of course means a) it was, and b) they're covering it up.
Domestic Terrorists
Some have claimed that a band of domestic terrorists is responsible for the collapse. Over the course of several months, the terrorists are claimed to have been slowly chiseling away at the base of the bridge until it eventually collapsed. Their motivation is unclear, but it's believed that the terrorists mean to incite mass panic and hyteria among the American populace. The FBI is hard at work locating the Secret hideout of the evildoers and bringing them to justice.
Sum say it was Anonymous, who did it for the lulz. Take that Fox News!
Furries did 35W
Butthurt furries, disappointed that Faux News didn't immediately partyvan all the /b/tards who raided their DA accounts last Thursday, decided to take matters into their own hands. As it is common knowledge that trolls live under bridges, the solution to the trolling problem was clear: the furries must blow up all the bridges in America, finally ridding the country of trolls. Plans to blow up dams are also in order, as these would surely wash away whatever trolls managed to survive, and would also create a suitable playground for inflatafurs to yiff in harmony.
Airlines Did 35W
Faced with the massive lulz of pending bankruptcy, airline executives (who formerly enjoyed raping American taxpayers with fares and money from Congress (over 9000 USD per capita)) decided to promote the lie that flying is safer than driving. This plan was drafted by Jews who, through their accounting, had audited all of the bridges in the USA. This plan has been in the books since last Thursday.
Ludacris Theory
Well, he's black. What else do you need?
Magneto Theory
Charles always wanted to build unstable bridges in Minnesota.
Pidgeon Theory
This just in from msnbc: PIDGEONS DID 35W
Gallery
 How city officials plan to replace the bridge. |
 |
 We all know who did it |
 |
 |
 Is Fox News to blame? |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 John Locke even pwns bridges! |
 Some say Ron Paul did it for the lulz. |
 |
 Someday the bridge might get 'em, but the law never will. |
 This is what happens when you don't listen to the transportation planner. |
 Can someone use Pokeball, please? |
 Seaking did it for the lulz |
 That fucking cat |
 Fed up with Mudkips' attention whoring, Seaking uses splash attack. |
 The Minneapolis I-35 bridge troll faces the uncertainty of homelessness. |
 Level 1 |
See Also
- Hurricane Katrina
- World War 2
- The Holocaust
- Tsunami
- Genocide
- Serial killers
- Rape
- Gay Marriage
- Abortion
- Apocalypse
- ATHF Terrorist Attack
- 9/11
- ;;
- My ass
