Animal abuse
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Over the years a number of absurdist pranksters have jokingly made the claim that inflicting suffering on other living beings is somehow objectionable. While no sane person shares this belief, law enforcement agencies are known to prosecute animal abusers as a demonstration of the power they are capable of mustering in the service of enforcing the insane whims of their commanding officers.
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[edit] Vegans
Vegans will not even eat cheese because the thought of milking machines makes them go all woozy. This makes them superior to you and me. Drama can be started in any of their forums by questioning this logic. Lurid descriptions of delicious melted Brie along with pics of yummy nachos are appropriate. You will be questioned. Be prepared:
- No, the idea of cow pus contaminating milk just makes you want more.
- Yes, you know about the hormones. That's a plus, since you enjoy going into berserk homicidal rages.
- Yes, even though vegans are silly, you would be interested in discussing tantric yoga's calming effects.
[edit] PETA
PETA, or "Pedophiles for the Engaging in Terrorism for Animals", or else "People for the Emphatic Torture of Animals", is a cult created at least 100 years ago by a crazy batshit-insane bitch named Ingrid Newkirk with the twin goals of torturing innocent veal ranchers for the lulz and pwning the rich by spray painting peace signs on their endangered-species-fur coats. The entire organization is currently $100 million in debt, and is only kept in existence by Satanic influence. Peta consists of: massive phail and total retards. They even have a DeviantArt page Go on, you know what to do with it.
[edit] petatv
petatv holds videos like this
[edit] Counter Insurgency
A breakaway organization exists, People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, formed by those ex-members of PETA who were unable to resist the temptations of juicy meat and reverted to their earlier carnivorous ways. PETA does not like it when these rebels return to tempt others with pictures of a rare beefsteak.
[edit] Hypocrisy
Like all alarmist organizations, PETA is a "Look at you, not at me" bunch, who admit to having a walk-in freezer in their headquarters for the storage of animal carcasses, a by-the-pound deal with a pet crematorium, and sending crews out to animal hospitals and pet shelters to pick up animals under the impression that they're going to find the animals new homes; in reality, they euthanize them in the back of their vans and dump the bodies behind the Piggly Wiggly across the state line. They also steal hunting dogs and destroy their radio collars.
[edit] Anthropomorphizing
It is simple to create drama when dealing with PETA members: callously share pictures of animals dressed in human clothing. PETA's mission statement says that we are the lowest, most disgusting form of life so it enrages them to see decent poodles forced to mimic Paris Hilton.
[edit] Surrealism
Or, you can point out the dangers of being overly kind to animals. Explain that, unfortunately, through a series of brain washing techniques and Emmy nominations, your pet believes it is human and the greatest fucking thing in the world. After several weeks of this, the animal turned into a douchebag. Ask for help with this.
Agent#1: What happened to Jennifer's cat? Agent#2: I don't know, one day I went over to her house to run over some Friends scripts and there was just a massive bag of douche in the doorway.
Celebrity drama whores who specialize in animal pity
- Barbara Streisand
- Steve from 'Blues Clues' (See also homosexual)
- The Nanny
- Mel Gibson (See also conservative douchebag)
- Michael Moore (See also left wing douchebag)
- Pamela "Big Tits" Anderson
- Eliska Amor
[edit] Punch A PETA Member In The Face Day
Once upon a time, a bunch of NOT Douchebag Vegans who thought PETA's "Hug a vegetarian day" was pretty fucking gay, and who dissaproved PETA for their hypocrisy, decided to establish, on the same day, the "Punch a Peta Member in the face day", where you would gain points for every peta faggot you knocked out with a good swing to the nose. Everybody is welcome to enjoy that wonderful holiday, just make sure not to punch any random vegetarians or vegans, cause not all of them are fucking peta emo faggots!
[edit] Criticism
[edit] Hunters
Hunters are mighty warriors who are frustrated that civilization won't let them squash vegans on sight. Easily agitated and often harassed, they will have a kneejerk dramatic reaction if any of these threads appear on their forums.
- Why do you hate bunnies?
- You are horrible, horrible men and I hope a deer eats your penis.
- How would you feel if someone hunted your mom?
- But how does the squirrel feel about it?
[edit] Trolling the Peta boards
It's really easy. On account of most peta2.com users being tree hugging hippies, they don't use a computer much and therefore have no idea how to respond to a troll. First hand examples of PETA idiocy:
| “ | Why would you be on a Peta message board if you're not pro-animal? duh. <33 | „ |
| —<33Kayla 7/1/07 5:19 PM | ||
| “ | There is a difference between getting upset and troll posts and replying kindly. I don't believe a board should go unanswered, troll or not. Most trolls are ill informed, and if one is to kindly reply the facts no harm is done. It is when one gets outraged and posts nasty messages that does the harm. It is what a troll wants. Once they realize they are offending no one and we have true fact based arguments, they will stop having fun and possibly learn something. More than likely they will leave. End of story. | „ |
| —Vile Be4uty 6/30/07 1:11 AM | ||
| “ | Does anyone else get the feeling a bunch of guys just got together and decided to come on these boards just to make us angry? | „ |
| —MeghanM 6/29/07 10:17 PM | ||
| “ | And I would also like to note, that I am some pretty good gramar in all of my posts, what kind of troll takes the time to make sure all of my apostrophes and words are spelt right and capitals are all in the right place? | „ |
| —feliciamarie 7/1/07 12:03 AM | ||
Basically all you have to do is disagree with them. Or post how you "poisoned the dog food of every dog on the block to show how bad having a pet is." Or just post bestiality.
Plus, it's reeeeaaaally hard to get banned. There is no way for the users to manually report you, so they just have to wait till a mod comes along. And even then, they don't ban your IP so you can just sign right back up again.
This is a crusade calling anyone to troll them. The trolls are getting bad. We are starting to really piss them off. Anyone who belongs to something awful, or any other forum, tell them to troll peta2. The execution is simple, and the results are beautiful.
[edit] Christians
According to page 156, Article 25-b, paragraph 16 of Da' Bible, man has dominion over all animals. Therefore he has a divine mandate to screw with animals. He just can't eat any of the ones that don't have cloven feet, or so my Jewran tells me.
[edit] See Also
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Animal abuse is part of a series on bad things happening to animals. |
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