Darwin Awards
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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The Darwin Awards are an annual online accolade, invented at least 100 years ago to congratulate those who deserve to die for killing themselves creatively hi-fucking-lariously. These "awards" are quite literally the Olympics of suicidal fucktardery. To qualify for the award, you have only to be a seriously brainless fucktard and to have managed, through your own sheer stupidity, to have killed yourself, or at least done enough damage to stop you breeding and infecting the rest of the world with your dipshit genes.
It is hoped pretty much guaranteed that eventually most of 4chan will win a Darwin Award. Reading the website provides much lulz regarding the sheer ingenuity of some people in managing against all odds to become an hero when they pwn themselves (IRL) in an orgy of dim-witted death.
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[edit] The Movie
In 2006 a crappy B-list movie based on the most popular Darwin Awards candidates was made, and filmed in a so-called "documentary style" that was dropped and picked up whenever the director felt like it. How they got Metallica and Mythbusters to appear in the movie is a mystery.
[edit] An example:
(3 June 2006, Florida) Two more candidates have thrown themselves into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara, both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara attended community college, but apparently their education had glossed over the importance of oxygen.
When one breathes helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one's life.
The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.
Sheriff's deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. No drugs or alcohol were found. The medical examiner reported that helium inhalation was a significant factor in their deaths. A family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked fun and it cost her."
[edit] Exclusions
Unfortunately for everyones favorite an hero, intentionally killing oneself is not allowed and therefore your next of kin are informed that it wasn't that you were composed of fail but rather it was their fault because they hid your iPod, you fucking jerks. So, what can I do to promote this sport, you may ask. Rather then trolling the fuck out of people to the point that they feel that they need to end their pitiful existence, just put them into the most dangerous situations you possibly can.
[edit] Where the lulz at?
While the Darwin Awards can raise a smirk, they generally fail at lulz. Mostly because while stupid people doing something so stupid that they die is somewhat funny, it is also somewhat expected. HOWEVER, the stories about people losing or otherwise damaging their genitals to the point of being unable to reproduce, now that's funny. Especially since these people can be trolled if found. A wonderful example:
Scrotum Self-Repair
By William A. Morton, Jr, MD
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staple of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital and gave him tetanus antitoxin prior to surgery the next morning. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing.
Before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification. lol
The rule of lulz states quite clearly that if someone cuts off their hand, thats funny. If they cut off their balls, that's hilarious.
[edit] People we hope will be recipients
- Furries
- Otherkin
- Sceptre
- Blu Aardvark
- People who draw inflated monkeys with spiked penises in MS Paint
- People who try and force Milhouse as a meme
- People who try and ignore Milhouse's meme status
- Niggers
- YOU
- Your Mom
- The superbly fucktarded Dane Cook
- Pretty much anyone on the internet
who thinks they are in some way special or important - MONGO
Sadly, although the average IRL retard will do things IRL that can get them killed, the internet, being a place of relatively little danger, means that people can continue in their stupidity with without fear of accidentally quitting IRL forever. Not only this, but the normal method of breeding is circumvented by normal people being converted into enjoying their depraved sexual fantasies. This means IT JUST WON'T FUCKING STOP.
[edit] Fact of the day
Charles Darwin was a budding emo novelist, famous for his novels Oliver Twist and Prozac Nation written at least 100 years ago, when his number one girl was stolen from him by Christian sexgod Sonny Sandoval. In despair Darwin signed on to the British Antarctic Survey where Satan inspired him to produce his master plan of revenge, the Theory of Relativity. In later years Darwin had sex with monkeys and his descendents are known today as the Bush family, a fact that the Republicans tried to bury by their esposal of creationism. Sadly Darwin and the monkeys also invented AIDS, and he therefore died screaming before being dragged to Hell for an eternity of suffering, thus earning the accolade of being the first Darwin Award winner.
