Chav
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A chav is a kind of wigger wanker that is rapidly becoming the new type of dickhead model for the true English fucker, overthrowing the previous bowler-and-brolly archetype that we all secretly wish were true. A "chav" is a primitive life form that earns its living by either signing up for the social (British unemployment benefits) or stealing things from its local supermarket, but in most cases combining both. "Chav" is widely believed to stand for "council house and violent" due to their lack of funds and aggressive nature. It might also come from charivari. Other variations of the word "chav" include "charver" and "fucknugget" , terms that may well have been introduced by mice fornicating in burberry hats, given their Liverpudlian origin. Scottish people fondly refer to their equivalents as "Neds", or non-educated delinquents. Calling this hypocritical is a major understatement.
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[edit] Appearance
Spotting one of these social blemishes is easy: look for a curry-stained shell-suit and Burberry cock-sock. Other chav "rude boiz" identify themselves by tucking their trademark tracksuit-bottoms into the huge football socks they wear. Most recently they have begun to devolve even further than before, now deliberately scarring themselves underneath either eye or anywhere else on the face&emdash;but it's hard to work out if that makes them "hard" or just emo would-bes. No matter what stage of Chav-olution they may/may not have fallen to, their trademark "walk", closely resembling the gait of a penguin with a large cactus in it's cloaca. Chavs without exception smoke cigarettes from the age of seven due to a chronic inability to withstand peer pressure; this age also coincides with the first time most Chav females bear a child for the extra social payments. As an interesting anthropological note, it has been observed by many that the smaller a chav's head, the more he looks like he wants to rip your balls off.
Female chavs also wear bloody horrid make-up.
Despite their simple nature, charvers do have a hierarchy. When they've sold enough stolen goods and drugs to pre-teens, they will spend their cash on junk jewellery. The more gilded-plastic sovereign rings and chains a chav wears, the more of an absolute cunt it is. Chavs with little or no junk jewellery show the utmost respect to their junk-jewellery-clad superiors. Sadly, this is the only form of structure these neanderthals have.
[edit] Attitude
Incapable of sensitivity or remorse, chavs have no respect for anyone other than England's football loser Wayne Rooney who would have made a better rugby (union) player anyway. In between stealing money from the purses of their own grandmothers and eating magic mushrooms like popcorn at the movies, they patrol their hell-hole neighbourhoods making them even more unliveable by looking for folk half their age to beat within an inch of life. As with many animals, they hunt in packs—caught on their own, they tend to have a much milder manner. If you happen upon a group of chavs, do not glance in their direction. Any seemingly harmless form of eye contact will result in a fierce ''YER FUCKIN STARTIN ON ME KNOBHEAD!!?1!!!'' Most Chavs seem to keep this attitude as they grow into their early 30's. This is where they get dangerous, since they've gotten further into black customs, now having learnt to use cutlery as a matter of course, no longer content to show wiggerhood by merely attack anyone gazing in their direction. They have a terrible attitude towards other groups - the 'moshers,' 'sk8er bois,' and the emos. If you're not a chav, be prepared for some IRL serious business.
A clan of chavs in their natural habitat - the council house.
[edit] Language
Unfortunately for society, chavs are prone to believing we give a fuck about everything they have to say. Glue sniffing behind the bike sheds led them to invent or adopt many words that would make anyone's ears bleed, so you probably don't want to hear them, but here are just a few of their favourites.
- Bruv - An abbreviation of "brother". They seem to be capable of calling anyone their brother.
- Wa g'wan - "What is going on?", mostly used to mean "Hello, how are you?"
- Bare - "A lot", or "Big".
- Brap - Used to draw attention to oneself, representing the sound of a gun.
- Bo - Also used to draw attention.
- Mint - "Brilliant".
- Blut-blut - Also used to draw attention to oneself.
- Innit/Ennit - "Isn't it"
- Yezzir - "Yes, Sir", imitated by Chavs upon hearing famous Nigger 'Pharrell Williams' say the word himself in a few songs.
- Blud - "Blood", announced in recognition as a follower of theirs being a so-called brother.
- Moshy bashin - Going down to a mosh pit and starting a fait/fight.
- Orrrr M8 - "I am most impressed with this information".
- Fuck off - "I'm afraid I cannot see eye to eye with you on this matter".
- Startin? - "Would you be suggesting that we engage in a physical confrontation of a violent nature?".
- GEE UZ YER PHONE - "Hand over your mobile communications device, or face a bit of rough and tumble!"
- WAAAAAAAAAH - The most common chav mating call.
An example of a typical Chav displaying his communication and fighting abilities.
[edit] Tourism
You will find the chav subspecies in many of England's counties and cities. If you happen upon one of these primitive life forms:
- Prepare self for Chav encounter with kevlar vest.
- Approach your local McDonalds restaurant to find chavs in the wild.
- Wait anywhere nearby entrance/exit of said restaurant.
- ?????
- PROFIT!!!
A second method of chav sightseeing is a depressing part of living your own life. You might notice five to thirty of them in a large group on your way to your local shop or on a little journey to your neighbour's place. You might spot them in their cheap vehicles which feature fluorescent colors and cheap customisation (plastic spoilers and so on) while you are driving somewhere. However it is guaranteed that they will attempt to ruin your life if they think that you have noticed them.
[edit] Famous Chavs
Devvo
Devvo is an Internet mockumentary made by Fat-Pie.com. It follows a young chap named Darren Devonshire (or Devvo for short) living his everyday life in Doncaster. The scariest (and possibly lulziest) part of this series is that upon first viewing, almost every person that has seen it has mistakenly thought it to be genuine.
The Northern Life The northern Life is another internet mockumentary uploaded onto Youtube. It's about a Chav called Buzzcocks, who lives in Cramlington, a small but Chav-infested town in England. He takes you on a tour around his hometown, and tells you about his life. There is even a song, called 'I'm a Gangsta', yet again proving that all chavs are wiggas. Amusing as these videos are, his voice is nearly inauidble, because as well as being a Chav, he also has a 'Geordie'(Newcastle upon Tyne) accent.
Michael Carroll
Much to the dismay of the entire British population, Michael Carroll is not a spoof character. The forces of nature decided to play a disgusting trick on humanity by allowing Michael to win The National Lotto. This made him the first Chav to ever have money, and therefor creating a paradox. Since winning £9.7million in November 2002 he has appeared in court over 30 times, spent the entirety of his winnings, and been imprisoned for assault. More proof that Chavs and money are not destined to be with each other.
The only thing more disgraceful than Michael Carroll himself is the fact that the English media have made documentaries about him, and even a film about his life has been discussed. At least the council of his hometown Swaffham were awesome enough to pwn him by refusing when he offered to buy their Christmas decorations.
Carroll has claimed to be the "King Of Chavs", which of course means he rules high above all the other pre-pubescent wasters of his kind.
Vicky Pollard
A character from the comedy sketch show "Little Britain", Vicky encompasses everything that everybody hates about Chavs, but turns it into lulz.
Vicky steals from her local supermarket.
OH NOES! Sum bitchiz iz on Vikkiez turf or summat.
Vicky edumacates kids on the way of life.
Lauren Cooper
Another sketch comedy character, this time from "The Catherine Tate Show", who coined the catchphrase "Am I bovvered?"
Tony Blair fails at the lulz with Lauren.
Your Mum If ever you have the nerve to tell a chav what he is he will without doubt point out that your mother is also a chav and that he suprise sexed her repetedly.
[edit] See Also
ChavScum
Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace
