Tori Amos
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Tori Amos is a singer/pianist/songwriter/poster girl for the empowered-womyn movement. Mentions of her auburn tresses send bulldykes and wimpy guys alike into paroxysms of orgasmic release. The air of "faerie mystique" that she cultivates is fueled entirely by the fact that her powerword is "Myra Ellen". You read correctly: Myra Ellen "Tori" Amos.
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[edit] Early Years
Myra Ellen played piano from a very young age, and possibly in utero. It wasn't until her teenage years that she developed her unique "side-saddle" method of sitting at the piano; this was a result of intense vaginal itching due to lots and lots of sleeping around. Her minister father asked her several times to stop sitting that way, and Myra's response was reportedly to turn her head around 180 degrees and whisper obscenities.
Myra Ellen developed her propensity for deeply painful and emotional lyrics as the Homecoming Queen in her senior year. Added to this blow to her ego were the shattering labels assigned to her by her classmates in the yearbook that year:
All of these things formed a vortex of emptiness and detachment from her surroundings that seduced Myra Ellen into both writing more agonized poetry and hammering at it until it fit her music. She changed her first name when someone in her hometown forgot her real one and called her "Tori" by mistake; this person stammered, "But you look like a Tori!" by way of covering, and with stars in her eyes, the newly-christened Tori Myra Ellen Amos went to Los Angeles to find her fortune.
[edit] Raep
Tori's arrival in Los Angeles set off a series of events that are typical to the city.
- Hostessing for restaurants
- Shitty acting jobs in cereal ads
- Shitty acting jobs in what would one day be Lifetime Movies
- Open-mic nights at clubs
After a "performance" at one of these clubs, Tori Myra Ellen gave a ride home to a guy who hung out there a lot. Once in the car, the guy took off his "nice-guy" mask and became a slavering rapist. Tori courageously survived and documented her harrowing experience in the song "Me and a Gun", which is inexplicably also about biscuits, the Carolinas, and Barbados.
[edit] Critical Acclaim
Writing a song about rape, if you're a woman, automatically ensures that you become precious to the feminist community. Women with unshaven armpits, sad little goth girls, sad little goth boys, homosexual men, and guys who are pretending to be sensitive but really just want a ride home as above are all guilty of owning and "enjoying" the music of Tori Amos.
[edit] Examples of Song Lyrics
| “ | Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again Yeah I can hear that Been saved again by the garbage truck I got something to say you know But nothing comes Yes I know what you think of me You never shut-up Yeah I can hear that | „ |
| —Tori Amos | ||
| “ | Every day's my wedding day
Though baby's still in his comatose state I'll dye my own Easter eggs Don't go yet And Beenie lost the sunset but that's OK Does Joe bring flowers to Marilyn's grave And girls that eat pizza and never gain weight | „ |
| —Tori Amos | ||
[edit] See also
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Tori Amos is part of a series on Music. |
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