J-Rock
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
J-Rock (also known as Japanese Rock, shit music, "HA HA oh what the fuck", or "holy shit that was a man?!") is bad rock music from Japan.
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[edit] Types of J-Rock
There are five common types of J-Rock and they consist of Visual Kei, Oshare Kei, Angura Kei, wannabes, and actual music. Nearly all of it that's popular in America is corporate crap. Imagine 80 clones of Linkin Park in drag and you have some idea of what people mean when they say they like J-Rock. Most of the bands of this so-called genre like to plagiarize David Bowie's image onto every single aspect of themselves. To fangirls this makes them very original.
[edit] Visual Kei
Visual Kei is the most popular of the genre because it's so FABULOUS. Visual Kei bands (which are completely interchangeable) usually consist of clusters of fags who run around playing air guitar while looking like Ronald McDonald after he got run over by a Hot Topic truck. These bands make a big show of being all "dark" and shit, much like any and every 16 year old girl who's ever been near DeviantArt. Songs can be recognized by laughably awful vocals that are either over-the-top BLAAARGH metal constipation, or over-the-top crooning that would put Morrissey to shame. At its heart, Visual Kei is just an ugly rehash of '70s Glam Rock, but with far less credibility. The majority of the bands have French names for some lame reason. Sometimes they also have obscure Japanese names that the Japanese don't even use and never use them in their lifetimes. Visual Kei bands tend to have the largest followings of sadsack, sexually frustrated fangirls, as they have the most ample opportunities for slash.
Bands include:
- Dir en grey (also known as Durr in gay. Despite the fact they've become "westernized" and "non-visual" according to their fans, they're still complete fags.)
- Lariene
- Psycho le Cému
- G.H.O.S.T
- Rentrer En Soi
- L'Arc~en~Ciel
- Phantasmagoria
- Alice Nine
- Kagrra,
- The GazettE
- Sid
- D
- Vidoll
- 12012
- Malice Mizer
[edit] Oshare Kei
Oshare Kei, an even more puke-worthy outgrowth of Visual Kei, is the newest of the faggotry. Oshare Kei consists of a bunch fags that look like they stepped out of a bad LSD trip through an all-gay Mardis Gras and have a lot of piercings. They all pretend to play instruments during some of the most horrifyingly garish music videos you'll ever see. They pose like retards and make stupid expressions all the time, probably because if they showed that they took themselves even slightly seriously they'd be laughed right out of existance. The music sucks 100% of the time and their fanbase consists of ADD-ridden 13 year-old girls who think they're hot when they just have Internet Disease IRL.
They also have blogs in which they play yaoi-bait and pose with teddy bears and talk about how much they want to buttsecks their other bandmembers. They come up with some fucking dumbass names such as "antique cafe", but since the fangirls can't spell them, they give them even worse ones like "an cafe".
Bands are:
- An café
- Irokui
- Panic*CH
- HeaRt
- Lolita23q
- Clavier
- Buns Mercy
[edit] Angura Kei
Angura Kei bands play songs about guro. They have a lot of elitist fans that think they're better than the other wee bees because their band doesn't give eachother fake blowjobs on stage like Visual Kei fags. They do, however, wear so much eyeliner that they look like fucking raccoons (or in some cases, the Hamburgler).
Angura Kei artists are weird and a lot have an obession with Imperial Japan and some maybe with Nazis. These bands never make it mainstream, and if they do, they end up turning into pussies and start singing about skateboarding and how much fun it is to be a rockstar today. They also end up going to anime conventions and performing for otaku.
Some of these bands are:
- cali≠gari
- MUCC
- Plastic Tree
- Merry
- Girugamesh
- D`espairs Ray
[edit] Wannabes
Wannabes are the annoying sellout bands that write all their songs in Engrish and think they're cool AMERICANU STYLE, but the music still sounds like shit, and the idiot singing sounds like he's still speaking Japanese. These bands are popular amongst 13 year old boys, and thus, hated in the general J-Rock wankdom.
Such bands are:
- Ellegarden
- UVERworld
- Heartsdale
- Beat Crusaders
- the seatbelts
- Any other Japanese band that did a song for an anime in Engrish
[edit] Actual Music
The few, the proud, the good Japanese rock bands that don't consist of fags, play air guitar, crossdress, or do anything else mentioned in the previous sections. These bands actually focus on the music and sound good and put on good concerts. The only bad thing is that they have these fucked-up names that make no sense.
Fangirls don't like these bands because they're not wearing butt-huggers and safety pins, and don't pretend to fuck eachother. Fortunately, these bands don't care what fangirls think.
Such good bands are:
- ACIDMAN
- ART-SCHOOL
- B'z
- The Back Horn
- Boredoms
- Boris
- Buck-Tick
- Bump of Chicken
- GO!GO!7188
- Sex Machineguns
- Sigh
- Sukima Switch
- Soul Flower Union
- the pillows
- Tokyo Jihen
- Maximum the Hormone
- Sparta Locals
[edit] Fangirls
The J-Rock fandom consists mainly of sexless fangirls, young and old, scattered around MySpace, DeviantArt and LJ. They are the worst of any fandom and consist of the most annoying, stupid members of all the other Wapanese groups. Usually they write really gay fanfictions, draw really gay pictures, and make annoying, gay avatars and banners that have been the targets of many a regretted wank by confused men. They hate anything that deals with a vagina, but unfortunately, themselves. Rarely, there are male J-rock fans, but most of them are in denial about loving the cock so they pretend to pine over Japanese men who look like 12 year old girls and then insist "My girlfriend made me do it!". Alternatively, they can be fat basement-dweller straight fags who listened to too many Naruto theme songs and mistook Izam for Sakura, masturbating furiously.
J-Rock obsessives live in a delusional world in which every Japanese man looks like a girl and every Japanese man is gay. Women do not exist in Japan because they're all actually crossdressing men. Japanese procreate by the use of spores and some kind of alien tube shit. Despite this belief that Japan is a country of gay men, they still want these fags to bone them... but forget the fact that if they're fucking each other in the poop hole then obviously their cocks are not going in their vaginas. Likely they're just used to having every single man they've ever met claim they were straight as a gay response to looking at them.
These fans are usually spotted among the greasiest of the acne lepers at anime conventions, and are usually either morbidly obese or completely androgynous (maybe both and not androgynous in the pleasant way, more like the big fat bulldyke way). They can often be heard screaming words such as "kawaii!" "kakoii!" and "bishies!" while watching Gundam Wing or any other show that fuels their warped sexual cravings or buying dollfies for a large amount of money to stick up their cunt.
[edit] Fanboys
Fanboys in most cases are worst than the fangirls they bitch about so much. These boys are self-correcting, always right, and obsessive. Now both sides think that one or the other is bad, though of course both should be shot. The fanboys lust after Japanese men more than the fangirls, if possible. More J-rock cosplayers/elites are male who think they know everything from indies bands to defunct horrible vk acts. They are among some of the worst fans imaginable. Some go to the non-fans point where they pretend to be gay to get laid. For some odd reason they are usually from Europe. Want to see some amazing lolz on behalf of the male side, check out any Dir en grey music discussion post; the cock-sucking involved there is amazing, and it's all a sausage festival. There is a small fraction of male fans who have not lost every ounce of dignity in their bodies. These are few and far between, but when found, you can actually ask them about Japanese rock and get a response not full of squeeing, fapping and gay anal sex.
Perfect example of a "know it all" fanboy is Cyrus_XIII on WP. He is a WP-Nazi who claims that books on Jrock are not good enough resource and btw the New York Times isn't a valid resource either. His favorite pastime is blanking pages to "merge" them with another article - and then not adding any of the content, effectively deleting the page while side-stepping WP's deletion policy. Watch his edits for lots of LULZ.
[edit] Tonberry / Impact Media.uk
If you want to see some of the best Fanboys and thier sidekicks ignorant European Fangirls the best place to view these creatures in the wild is Batsu, but someone was soooo butthurt they made a huge entry here about Tonberry, which is a tiny who-the-fuck-cares forum full of trolls, that even has a dedicated trolls-only area. At least on Batsu or LJ people attempt to have real conversations which turn into major flames and drama - srs business! But onto info about Tonberry:
A UK based forum with no moderation whatsoever, even the mods that do post are one in a few. Save one mod, Joe Sushi and DO. Suprisingly those two have a brain, but not enough of a brain to actually mod thier own website. Yet they leave it up to the only mod who is just as bad as the people who live in the flame pit, baka_neko. The board overall has about 80% lurker status and 5% that actually know what they are talking about and the rest are ignorant Fucktards or skilled trolls here to mess with the Fucktards. The people on the board are irritable, racist and are comperable to those on 4chan. It's the worst place to go if you want coherant actual music discussion as every discussion results in a flame war between a 19 year old Russian and some equally ignorant 15 year old American. If anyone had to chose what they wanted more, better asian music discussion go to Batsu (it at least has that), or utter lulz flame wars go to Tonberry (where the average age is 19 and the average user is Eurotrash).
Liking anything other than VK or O-share Kei will get you trolled for no reason. Actually, posting ANYTHING will get you trolled for no reason - trolls are not known for being reasonable. Also having any common sense and not fighting dirty with a bunch of kids and sugar coating every post with <3 and "OMG , YEZ I R HAPPY" will pretty much get you targeted. Granted if there was a age limit and a competency test Tonberry would reign supreme over Batsu. In the last year Batsu and Tonberry were at the same level of Faggotry but Tonberry has pulled far ahead, resulting in a couple of members making thier own forums just to get away from said ignorance.
Prime Example of Racsim on Tonberry "and I have yet to figure out why most northamerican men are obsessed with asian women... luckily that yellow fever haven't arrived to my country.
I find race mixture disgusting >_< (nothing against the japanese though, I actually admire how they treat gaijin XD)" - Tonberry member : Naja.
[edit] Links
- 8bitgirlsbravo's LJ
- The Antique Cafe Community on LJ, Its a swarm of lulz
- Jrock Fanvids Community on LJ, they make actual fanvids and post them on YouTube
- This chick draws Jrockers and thinks she's a god on DA
- THIS PLACE IS FULL OF LULZ : Batsu.org
- Tonberry. Only in 2nd place behind batsu]
[edit] See Also
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J-Rock is part of a series on Music. |
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