Santa Claus
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
'Santa Claus' is a fat German man long sought by authorities in connection to many thousands of late night break-ins, during which he is alleged to have 'observed children whilst sleeping' before leaving his notorious and somewhat ambiguous calling card: a gaily colored curved 'rod' made of candy. Santa also made an appearance in the movie "Home Alone" starring Oprah. It is also a well known fact that he is a nigger from space. He is also amassing an army of Goatse clones to attack the Jews.
"Santa" is an anagram of "Satan". Coincidence?
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[edit] History
Santa Claus (aka Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Papa Christopher, Chris Tingle) first became known to the popular media in 1955, when, inspired by the then famous 'Coca Cola[1]' brand he swapped his traditional leiderhosen for a warmer red number and became an overnight sensation. It is speculated that, by endorsing the cola, he quickly became addicted to its iressistable qualities
[edit] Criminal Record
Santa's criminal record can kick Freddy Krugor's criminal recods'sesse's ass. He is notorious for breaking into little children's homes and buggering them good and proper to his catch phrase, "Merry Monglemas every body!". There have been 5,430,553,603,569 records in the past 100 years. Although cum samples are plentiful from all the cock and loli hes consumed Csi has had numerous problems trying to track the jolly fat man down mainly because he lives at one of the most geographically remote places possible - the north pole (the perfect place to house an army of sex slaves that stay children for thousands of years).
[edit] Culture
Embraced by a variety of cultures worldwide, Santa Claus allegedly possesses the ability to 'morph' or 'transmogrify' to resemble a human of any genetic group or minority (see examples right). This ability has led to a deal of suspicion and accusations of witchcraft & magicks amongst certain primitive cultures (see Texas). During the infamous 'Claus Riots' of 1971 chocolate effigies of Claus were burnt by many *****stitious Texans, who were later subdued by means of sodomy.
[edit] Transport
Santa Claus is alleged to transport himself by means of a sleigh (or sledge) drawn by a team of 6 or 7 reindeer (or caribou): Dasher, Dancer, Dandy, Primper, Comet Superstore, Vixen and Randy. Whilst it is true the reindeer can fly they are only capable of slower than light travel, Santa's preferred mode of propulsion is what is known in some circles as the gravity drive. The gravity drive simply requires Santa to consume one child before commencing on his journey which causes him to become infinitely obese and thus space and time itself bend around him causing time to travel slower for all the inhabitants of the Earth. There is of course a second opinion that follows that Santa travels through a rip in the space time continuum that is only possible to open if you are fat and gay.
[edit] Diet & Home Life
Little is known of Santa Claus' private life (although rumours that he has married for political reasons abound). His dietary requirements are unusual, being almost exclusively of the lactose and wheat-based variety, it is theorised that the gay and the paedophile mutagens have combined to not only form this most repulsive of persons but also to create a cock and loli based life form. The curious diet it has been put down to a rather extreme binge weight loss program developed to shrug off his infinite obesity during Christmas night. There have been sketchy reports that the red 'suit' we perceive Santa to wear is actually his skin: a special variation of the F.A.T (Food Absorption Tissue) that is seen on all obese people as it allows him to mongle children without ever touching them. Further evidence has shown that Santa in the early stages of his deliveries actually uses his infinite mass to draw the food and children towards him thus making the eating and mongling process almost automatic.
[edit] Speculation & Suspicion
Christians get upset about the fat man, on account of Santa is Satan's counterfeit of the Lord Jesus Christ.
"Once you get that child believing with all their heart in Santa then the next logical step is – Jesus and Santa they’re both the same – and they're both a LIE."
Santa Claus has long been the object of suspicion in many global cultures, due to:
- His habit of 'coming' down chimneys
- His fondness for elves
- The lap thing
- The jolliness
- The drinking
- Involvement in National Emo Kid Beatdown Day
- Him being crowned the world's most dangerous pervert as of 2001
Categories: Crap | People
