Kwanzaa
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| “ | "People think it's African, but it's not. I came up with Kwanzaa because black people in this country wouldn't celebrate it if they knew it was American. Also, I put it around Christmas because I knew that's when a lot of bloods would be partying." | „ |
| —Dr. Karenga, who stole his PhD from the white man | ||
Kwanzaa aka "Christmas Ape goes to Summer Camp", is an African American and Pan-African holiday celebrated from 26 December thru 1 January. It is a 8-day festival which celebrates theft, rape, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, spousal abuse, graft via welfare, communism, and murder. Millions of Black Folks around the world celebrate Kwanzaa, especially nations where Fried Chicken and Watermelon are plentiful and cheap in the grocery stores.
[edit] Origins of Kwanzaa
According to TOW, Kwanzaa was conceived in 1966 by Dr. Hal Turner, professor, Department of Black Studies at California State University, Long Beach to celebrate black people, but instead wound up becoming the best visible proof of how black folks fails ( WP:V). Of course, since TOW is run by fags and Wikinazis bent on revising the truth into lies (If you haven't already, now would be a great time to read George Orwell's 1984), the real story as to what the fuck Kwanzaa - AKA Coonzaa - is all about is that it's quite simply Ebonics for Christmas and Hanukkah rolled into one, with the seasonal colors all deliberately fucked up.
TOW lies aside, Kwanzaa was actually invented by Dr. Maulana Karenga, who, due to having been traumatized as a little pickaninny by a Santa Claus in a local shopping mall who refused to let Karenga sit on his lap because he smelled worse than Santa himself did, decided to extract his revenge on whitey by inventing a bogus holiday only for black folks. Kwanzaa is just that - a fake holiday that would keep niggers from making white folks and Jews rich by spending their welfare checks and whatever swag they robbed from little old ladies during the Christmas season. Not that it worked, because even the most retarded pickaninnies and little niggers know Kwanzaa is total bullshit, and refuse to let their supposedly enlightened parents be Grinches. As a result, Kwanzaa is now celebrated immediately after Christmas, otherwise every nigger who lives in a land where Christmas is celebrated would ignore it even more than whitey does.
[edit] What Does The Name "Kwanzaa" Mean?
Depends on who is telling the story. According to Karenga, the name signifies the first rape celebrations of Africa's Zulu tribes in the 1800's against White colonists of both sexes, and the hatred for the White Man. In Zulu and Afrikaans it means "Dead White Man" - in fact, this was usually the battle cry of most African tribesmen just before they were killed by Tarzan and his elephant herd - while in Swahili it means "Fried Chicken Now Being Served!" In Ebonics, where Karenga first heard the word used outside of a movie theater, it means "Light'em Up, Bro!", while in standard American English - or any other form of English, for that matter - it means "Lazy Nigger's Day".
[edit] What Do De Brothers Claim Kwanzaa Be Alls About?
The usual bullshit about "black power" and Fried Chicken uber alles, natch. But, as Hal Turner claims, it's much more:
- As a Negroidian and Pan-SHOOP holiday celebrated by millions throughout the world LAZAH community, Kwanzaa brings a cultural message which speaks to the best of what it means to be a slave in the fullest sense. Given the profound significance Kwanzaa has for WOOP SHOOPers and indeed, the world LAZAH community, it is imperative that an authoritative source and Æ be made available to give an accurate and expansive account of its origins, concepts, values, symbols and practice. Moreover, given the continued rapid growth of Kwanzaa and the parallel expanded discussion of it and related issues, an authoritative source which AIDS in both framing and informing the discussion is likewise of the greatest importance. Therefore, the central interest of this Æ is to provide information which reveals and reaffirms the integrity, beauty and expansive meaning of the holiday and thus AIDS in our approaching it with the depth of thought, dignity, and sense of specialness it deserves.
~Dr. Hal Turner False Prophet of Kwanzaa Chair, The Organization Us Chair, The National Association of Kawaida Organizations (NAKO)
So, when you get down to the heart of it all, Kwanzaa is still just the usual bullshit about "black power" and Fried Chicken uber alles. Right on, bro.
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[edit] What Happens During Kwanzaa?
Not much worth a fuck, unless you're black. You get to officially skip work and smoke blunts, and some convenience stores actually run 2-For-1 specials on Colt 45 and Boone's Farm products bought with food stamps. As part of a seasonal offer, KFC sells watermelon the entire 7 days of Kwanzaa, while Popeye's will give an extra drumstick with every 10-piece. Oh, and there's something about lighting seven candles on a Jewish menorah, traditionally stolen from a nearby synagogue, but since it's total bullshit anyway we'll just leave it at that.
[edit] Do Black Folks Give Presents During Kwanzaa?
Sure they do. But only what's either bought or stolen *after* the After-Christmas close-out sales. If you paid full retail for the gift, or bought it before Christmas and/or Hanukkah, it doesn't count as a Kwanzaa present unless you stole it.
[edit] Is There a Kwanzaa Equivalent To Santa Claus?
Nope, although there *almost* was one. The Reverend Fat Albert Sharpton was originally going to play the role of Father Kwanzaa, whose job was to rob white children of their presents and give them to black children. However, Al discovered that he was too fat to fit through most doors and windows, much less chimneys and fireplaces. When it was suggested that he use magic to get down the chimneys just like Santa, Al refused on the grounds that Santa used white magic, and since there were no black magic spells to achieve the same effect...well, let's face it. Al was going to play a "father figure", and we all know that black males like Al Sharpton aren't suited for such roles. Still, there are the Fat Albert cartoon shows that were based on Sharpton's childhood that are still used to teach black kids how to survive in a late 60's ghetto, so go figure.
[edit] Is There A Kwanzaa Equivalent For Jesus?
Originally it was planned to use Martin Luther King as a "Christ" figure for Kwanzaa. However, market research showed that not even the most devout black family would buy a manger scene set in a ramshackle shack in the middle of a sharecropper's field, surrounded by cotton and watermelon patches, with three black jazz musicians showing up with gifts of Ripple, Gold Fillings, and Blunts. The same market research also aborted plans for a merchandising tie-in featuring action figures of MLK and other Nigger Civil Rights activists.
[edit] Are There Any Kwanzaa Songs?
A few. Most of them are sung by Chris Brown, Tupac Shakur, Akon, or Eminem. The most famous one is by Snoop Dogg, entitled Gin And Juice.
Note that Fergie was supposed to have released a Kwanzaa Songs album for 2007, but after having come to the realization that she was *not* black after all, abandoned the project.
[edit] The Seven Days of Kwanzaa
Day 1 - Lighting of the first candle and ceremonial rounds of eggnog mixed with Olde English 800.
Day 2 - Lighting of the second candle and some fatties. Remember to pass the dutchie on the left hand side.
Day 3 - Lighting of the third candle. Day three is reserved for the ritual torture of your two most fly bitches.
Day 4- Lighting of the fourth candle, which is then promptly shoved in the ass of the kidnapped white wimmenz in attendance.
Day 5 - Utter destruction of the fifth candle by a 9mm slug, courtesy of the annual drive-by from your neighborhood Crips (Who dress in green for the occasion) or Bloodz (Who dress in red for the occasion).
Day 6- Lighting of the sixth candle. Preparation for the final night: beepers are paged, tinfoil is purchased, rides are in the shop being pimped. A general day of rest.
Day 7 - Lighting of the seventh candle and round-robin of crack rock, followed by general rioting and looting. Chikkens, collards, and watermelons are naturally feasted upon with great gusto. Rolling, hating and patrolling commences throughout the night, and those caught Riding Dirty are dealt with accordingly.
Day 8 - Reserved for posting bail.
[edit] Does Anyone Really Know What Kwanzaa Be's Alls About?
Sure we do, Brown Charlie! Here be a short documentary on what Kwanzaa is really all about fo' doze who can't read worth a fuck:
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