Harry Potter
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Interesting Fact: This article contains an hero. |
| This article needs moar pics of Dumbledore being gay. You can help by adding moar pics of Dumbledore being gay. |
| “ | when I read this leaked scene, I was truely traumaitzed for a whole day, I still am i bit, but my god I cried and cried and couldn't stop shaking. | „ |
| “ | how could you say that!? He never whined about anything! 'sides he has a right to! He's merely a child and has to bear all of this weight: the fate of humanity! I'D. SHIT. MY. PANTS. | „ |
| —Fan gurl00001 | ||
Contents
|
[edit] The Ruination of Potterfags '07
Here's a bullet-point list of major sp0!l3rz that you can print out on sticker paper, and slap on all the stalls in the men's and wimmen's rooms in every high school in your neighborhood. Oh, and put them in random library books, because a lot of geeks don't go to the school bathrooms anyway, because all the nigga kids will beat them up if they walk in on their selling dope to dumb jocks and cheerleaders! And the prepare for Underage B&.
HARRY POTTER 7 SPOILERS:
- Hedwig dies
- Mad-Eye Moody dies
- George Weasley loses an ear
- Fred Weasley dies
- Wormtail dies(much liked Voldemort, he becomes An hero unintentionally when his own hand strangles him.)
- Dobby dies
- Ted Tonks, father of Nymphadora (aka Tonks) dies
- Remus Lupin dies
- Tonks dies, having given birth to a boy a few months earlier (she married Lupin (much to the dismay of slash fans everywhere who continue saying 'OMG, LUPIN+SIRIUS OTP!', they think saying this enough will Make JK Rowling actually write it in)
- Colin Creevey dies
- Bellatrix Lestrange dies (to quote Mrs. Weasley shortly before killing Bellatrix 'NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH !)
- Crabbe (one of Draco’s sidekicks) dies
- Snape dies
- Harry briefly dies
- Voldemort dies
- Ron and Hermione marry and have two kids.
- Harry and Ginny marry and have three kids, one of them named Albus Severus, for the sake of lameness or for great justice.
- Draco Malfoy marries and has a son.
- Bill and Fleur have a daughter.
- Remus and Tonks’ son has grown up and loves Fleur’s daughter.
- Happy ever after.
- You kill yourself because JK Rowling is now too fat, rich and lazy to write more of her Mary Sue crap for you to masturbate to! Remember to leave a nice suicide note for the janitor, apologizing for making a mess of your brains all over the place.
- Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way from My Immortal didn't appear.
[edit] Cliff Notes for Ruin on "Deathly Hallows"
[edit] Dead people spoilers:
- Voldemort kills Burbage on pg. 12
- A Death Eater kills Hedwig on pg. 56
- Mad-Eye is shot in the face with a killing curse and falls off his broom, confirmed dead on pg. 78
- Scrimgeour is confirmed dead on pg. 159
- Wormtail becomes an hero when his own silver hand chokes him to death on pg. 471
- Dobby gets shanked on pg. 476
- Snape gets bitten on the neck by Nagini, dies on pg. 658
- Fred Weasley gets blown up, dies on pg. 637 (Percy cries like a bitch)
- HARRY IS KILLED by Voldemort on pg. 704
- Hangs out with Dumbledore, comes back to life on pg. 724
- Voldemort's own spell backfires on him (WHAT A FUCKING NUB), unintentionally making him an hero on pg. 744
- Tonks, Lupin, and Colin Creevy have their deaths confirmed on pg. 745
[edit] Horcrux Spoilers:
- The Sword of Griffindor can destroy Horcruxes.
- Ron Destroys the Locket.
- Hufflepuff's cup was in Gringotts.
- Ravenclaw's Crown was in the Room of Requirement.
- HARRY WAS THE LAST HORCRUX OMFG!!!
- Neville cuts off Nagini's head.
[edit] Epilogue Spoilers:
The epilogue shows all of the children boarding the train for Hogwarts together. Except for Lily, but she was a too young and still owed pedobear a shag.
The final lines of the book are:
- "The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well."
[edit] Moral of the Story
The moral of the final installment of the series is quite simple: if you become an hero you will be magically warped to a seedy old station where you will meet a mutilated baby and an old hairy paedaphiliac who will reincarnate you after preaching you. Due to this stunning revelation, rumors have spread that Mitchell Henderson may have learned the ending ahead of time and thus was motivated to become an hero in hopes of meeting the white supremist. TOO BAD IT DIDN'T WORK MITCHELL.
[edit] Misc. Spoilers
- Snape was a good guy all along.
- At the end Harry wakes up out of a seven-year coma to find out he's just an abused child with a vivid imagination
WHO Liekz Elder Wang?
[edit] Epilogue Causes Suicide of All the Fandom, Trolls Laugh
 Page one of an epilogue that sent Gaia-fags on a quest to be an hero |
 Page two of an epilogue that sent Gaia-fags on a quest to be an hero] |
 Page three of an epilogue that sent Gaia-fags on a quest to be an hero |
 Last page of an epilogue that sent Gaia-fags on a quest to be an hero |
 |
 |
 |
 |
[edit] Potterforums.com
At approximately 2:30 AM EST 7/18/07, Potterforums.com was hacked, and an email explaining that the forum was closed due to AIDS was sent then listed out all the spoilers to everyone on their mailing list! The site was actually attacked twice, with both spam bots and crap flood. The admins had to close the forum down to delete all the spoiled content, and ban all the spam accounts generated. Then a second attack-ninja looted the user log and emailed every registered user a copy of the book 7 spoilers. At press time, Ebaums World has taken credit for the attack. Moar details to follow as they develop...
[edit] World Brought to Its Knees By Epic Spoiler Raids
Midnight release raids of Harry Potter worldwide were inevitably accomplished by Anonymous, clearly acting on behalf of ebaumsworld. It all began with a brave B& of /b/rothers in Soho, London, UK, but more were to follow.
Drive-by spoiler on a HUGE crowd. Much lulz ensues, with people trying to drown out the spoilers by screaming, including one guy going "LA LA LA LA LA LA".
Epic drive by spoilarz. Ruined for hundreds of fans for epic Lulz.
Combo of on foot raiding and drive by spoilarz. Notice how the Potter fans go batshit insane.
Wacky California kids raid on foot. One is even tackled by some badass kid.
Harry Potter ruined interview style. A fatty admits that she was SO into the books, she even skipped dinner!
A redneck named Tex destroys a midnight release party with a megaphone from a distance.
Leeroy Jenkins remix appears from Ebaumsworld and ruins the book for many a World of Warcraft player.
In addition to lulz inducing reactions of teh real spoilarz, an azn became an hero, presumably, for teh lulz.
[edit] Gaia Online faggotry
'Harry Potter' publisher gets subpoena to identify pirate From Bloomberg News
July 17, 2007
Scholastic Corp., publisher of the new "Harry Potter" book, obtained a subpoena to learn the identity of a California website user who allegedly posted copies of the final sequel, scheduled for release Saturday.
Scholastic said in a court filing Monday that "materials hosted on Photobucket.com's system" contain materials that infringe copyrights owned by Scholastic and J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. Photobucket.com, a News Corp. unit, is a website for sharing photos and videos on social networks such as MySpace.
The subpoena was sent to Gaia Interactive Inc. in San Jose seeking the identity of a user on gaiaonline.com, a social network, according to the filing in San Francisco federal court.
Gaia complied with the subpoena, removed the material and temporarily banned the user from the site, said Gaia spokesman Bill Danon. The postings included scanned material and a discussion of the material, he said.
[edit] New York Spoiled by New York Times
The New York Times reviewed the book, revealing spoilers for everyone reading the article (which is pretty much everyone). The spoilers even pissed off J.K. Rowling!
| “ | I am staggered that some American newspapers have decided to publish purported spoilers in the form of reviews in complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers, particularly children, | „ |
| — | ||
[edit] Faggotry: A Look Back
A series of wish-fulfillment books about a young boy who discovers he has the power to destroy his cruel peers and family Columbine-style but does not, because he is indeed more humble and virtuous than Mary Sue. The purpose of the Harry Potter books is to create the illusion that losers succeed in the end and that the outcasts and misfits are the real winners of society, similar to internet favourites like Donnie Darko. Their massive success is instrumental in preserving the status quo in western society: while basement-dwelling goths and mousy teenage girls read the Harry Potter books, jocks and teen-queens alike get laid and start real careers.
[edit] J.K. Rowlpwned
Once an impoverished crack whore, author Rowlings quickly gained financial success when she switched to the lucrative world of juvenile fiction. In 2003, she was reported to have a net worth of $444 million from Harry Potter royalties. Sequels issued since then have brought the total close to infinity. When asked for comment, Rowlings is known to collapse in hysterical laughter, occasionally snorting "Losers!" between the chuckles.
Section: Diary JULY 18th We are almost there! As launch night looms, let's all, please, ignore the misinformation popping up on the web and in the press on the plot of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I'd like to ask everyone who calls themselves a Potter fan to help preserve the secrecy of the plot for all those who are looking forward to reading the book at the same time on publication day. In a very short time you will know EVERYTHING!
[edit] Other Losers
Other losers try and spread the spoilers, even though half the internets already know them.
A very butthurt response to the ending of the book. - Hilarious!
[edit] Lines of those who cryed about being spoiled
- "THIS THREAD IS FOR SPOILERS OF THE FIFTH MOVIE, NOT THE SEVENTH BOOK.
AND NOW I AM GOING TO GO AND DIE, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SPOILED FOR BOOK SEVEN, JUST LIKE I WAS SPOILED FOR BOOK FIVE." - Some girl that was warned of a spoiler and still read anyway and saw that Tonks died lol
- "You ruined my life" - From one of the raid videos
[edit] The Vibrating Broomstick Debacle of 2002
Mattel, joining in the feeding frenzy for Potter-related toys, released "Harry Potter's Nimbus 2000 Broom." Mattel could not offer a broom that actually flies, so they settled for making it vibrate.
Listed on Amazon, the initial customer reviews were a treasure trove of lulz. Though Amazon has since replaced them with dull reviews that say only that the broom is boring and not appealing to boys, the first reviews have been carefully preserved on many web sites.
- "This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed."
- "I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one."
- "My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! :)"
- "Well it's Christmas time and I need a gift for my 6YR son. He's a big Harry Potter fan, maybe too much. I keep trying to get him into Hockey or anything else a man should be doing, but instead he'd rather be riding a broom around the living room making swooshing sounds, pissing me off when I'm trying to watch football. Anyways the gift seems to be a big hit. It does vibrate, and goes through batteries rather fast. Even my 14 yr old daughter likes to play with the broom. She likes to play with the broom when were not around or late at night. I think she gets embarrassed when we find it in her room, but I can understand, she doesn't want anyone knowing she plays with her little brothers toys. With a few batteries and a flick of a switch, my Son and daughter can get carried off to Harry Potter Fantasy land.."
[edit] Fatal Imagery
In the summer of 2005, the ire of 16 year old girls was raised when multiple spoilers were clandestinely placed into several prominent livejournal communities. So many flamewar-induced lulz ensued that LJ Drama wouldn't touch it, citing that it was 'old as soon as it began'.
The direct result of these events was an overall increase in emo-style 'woe is me' journal posts by Fans, a feat once thought impossible by science. The overall sentiment was "when we said pictures plz, this is not what we meant." For more information, please see The Great Dumbledore Dies Meme of 2005
[edit] GINNY IS A SLUT zOMG!!1!
A great many mousy spinsters and 16-year-old girls spend their time dreaming up romantic stories about who in the Harry Potter universe is fucking who. A central division between these literary scholars concerns itself with who Harry Potter will end up fucking (presumably after the end of the last book). One group believes that Harry Potter will end up fucking Hermione. The other group believes that Harry Potter will end up fucking Ginny. But theres always a chance for some orgy.
Since the people who believe that Harry Potter will end up fucking Ginny have actual in-text justifications for their belief, they were unsurprisingly proven correct in the latest book. The "Harmonians" (the dorky name the Harry/Hermione slashfic writers gave themselves) perceived this as a personal insult.
The insult was compounded by an interview given by J.K. Rowling to a Harry Potter fan site in which she kinda-subtlely-but-not-really delivered a virtual clue-by-four to the heads of the people who really, honestly thought that Harry would end up fucking Hermione.
This led to a fandom meltdown of truly epic proportions as Harry/Hermione slash writers around the intarweb collectively blew a gasket. The resulting wankalypse could be felt as far away as several inches, and ended up producing such gems as the following:
- If I had any children, I would also not let them read HBP. I just don't see how some people could not see the abrupt change in Hermione. Hermione is no longer a role model for younger girls.
- In that same Yahoo group, I tried to start a thread about Christian symbolism in HP (before HBP of course). I feel so stupid now because it all went out the window in HBP.
- I felt that Song of Songs mirrored Harry/Hermione because it had a theme of friends becoming lovers. (Don't get me wrong, I also saw the theme God's universal love for mankind... biggrin.gif )
- Sadly, I will need a lot of prayers and meditation (and maybe some counseling). I was so emotionally invested in this relationship and JKR messed with it and threw it in our faces. I really need to get back to my faith in God. (I've taken it for granted for the past few months because of HP.) Don't feel sorry for me. It was all my fault.
Note: the above person was butthurt because Harry has the un-christian Yellow Fevah
There was also a petition in which the signatories, completely divorced from any sense of perspective, demanded that J.K. Rowling turn over the writing duties of Book 7 to one of the fat 40-year-old female virgins who writes Harry/Hermione slashfic on the web. Because J.K. Rowling doesn't know her own characters well enough to write THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH OF HARRY AND HERMIONE BOINKING LIKE BUNNIES! And she doesn't realize that GINNY IS A SLUT! The fact that Hermione dated a Russian rapist who was three years older than her during the events of the fourth book isn't in the least bit slutty, by the way.
Grief counselors have been called in, to little real effect.
The epilogue reads like some really crappy fanfic, thus leading crazy fanbrats in denial to shoot the messenger/accuse them of hax, 'shopping the scans, and threaten to beat Joanne Rowling with noodles and other such fear-inspiring weapons of doom. When the book comes out and the epilogue is proved to be indeed true, half the world will laugh at the other half who hasn't killed themselves yet. No doubt we shall hear cries of agony as all order of the world falls down.
[edit] Trivia
- 90% of Livejournal users have a Harry Potter icon.
- Tara Gilesbie has written the most infamous Harry Potter fan-fiction on fanfiction.net, My Immortal. [1] Her sister, Trista Gilesbie, has written another fanfic, Bring Me To Life [2]. Both of these titles came from Evanescence songs.
- pornish_pixies is a major Harry Potter pedo fiction community on LJ. Its deletion in May 2007 helped escalate the drama in The Great Livejournal Strikethrough of 2007.
- Harry's infatuation with the long wood pole called a broomstick began after spending many hours together with Ron Weasley.
- The working name of Harry Potter 3: The Prisoner of Azkaban, was actually Harry Potter and the /b/tard of 4chan, but was changed after the publisher was arrested on child pornography charges. He was later quoted as saying: "I did it for the LULZ."
- The depth information and commentary you see on the Encyclopedia Dramatica Harry Potter article outs many ED contributors as closet Harry Potter fans, known in the vernacular as fags
[edit] Terrible Bel Air
Now this is the story all about how, My life got flipped, turned upside down, And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became a famous wizard of Britain
In Godric's Hollow I was born and raised In a crib is where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin all cool, And all oblivious I was goin' to wizarding school.
When a some dark guy who was up to no good, Started killin' people in my neighborhood. I survived one little fight an while my mom was clinging, Said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Little Whinging."
I heard a motocycle, and when it came near, I said "fuck" because it was gigantic. If anything I could say that this shit was live, But I thought "Nah forget it, Yo home to Privat Drive."
I pulled up to the house about seven or eight, and I yelled to Hagrid"Yo homes, smell ya later." Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, And I got married Ginny, and had three children named Lily, James, and Albus Severus on pages 753-759.
[edit] DUMBLEDORE IS GAY!!!
On October 19, 2007 at Carnegie Hall in NYC, J.K Rowling publicly announced that Albus Dumbledore is gay. Most of us already knew this, due to the flamboyant purple robes and all, but now all the Harry Potter fantards are either becomming a mass of an hero or writing as many horrible slash fics as possible. It was very obvious also when he came to 'visit' Harry, talking about how he 'never liked these drapes'. NOTHING SUS
This means that Snape must really hate the gays if he went out and committed a hate crime by killing Dumbledore. That or he was angry because Dumbledore stole his gay lover.
This also means Chris Hanson failed at stopping Dumbledore from violating generations of children as he was the headmaster of a fiary school... Or Snape IS Chris Hanson. This would be horrible for Snapesnogger, who is very into both Snape and a pedo. It would be great for the rest of us, as it would finally get rid of her. Sadly this is unlikely. NEWS ALERT: Ian Mckellen is now begging for the role of Albus Dumbledore!!!!!!!111
[edit] Gallery
 Tear-out application accompanying every copy of Harry Potter apres J.K Rowling's 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' - 1999 |
 pwn3d~ !!!11 Go troll/raid www.flixster.com for never-ending lulz! |
 Splicing internet memes means you're awesome. |
 Harry Potter is gay |
 Harry Potter is gay...substantiating evidence |
 LOL Pr0n Weasley broke his wang. |
 Snape and Dumbledore gloat in triumph at their latest child-raping massacre. Snape will eventually kill his fellow rapist though... |
 Hermione Granger enjoys a cold tasty butterbeer after vanquishing evil. This scene from the seminal movie "Harry Potter and the magical jailbait of SnogWarts" |
 Emma Watson (real pic) |
 Adding Hogwarts to your LiveJournal schools list is very witty and original. |
 Harry Potter sure is serious business |
 You can totally see up her dress. |
 Hold on, there's someone at the door. |
 Pissed off Harry Potter fans pt. 1 |
 Pissed off Harry Potter fans pt. 2 |
 Pissed off Harry Potter fans pt. 3 |
 Pissed off Harry Potter fans pt. 4 |
 facebook raids lol |
 |
 I trolled myspace and am now wanted dead by nerds. |
 Nuff said. |
 Harry Potter's biggest fan faps to page 175. |
 Snape dies. |
 60% of Uncyclopedia's editors have fapped to this. |
 |
 Cars are effective trolling billboards. |
 |
 Harry potter fat girl angle shot |
 Accurate summary of the first Harry Potter book |
 The Harry Potter Wiki gets its shit ruined. |
 Cut Yet? |
 What actually happened. |
 The young cast of the first film were hand-groomed by pedophiles |
 Fuck magic... |
[edit] Related Articles
- L-L-LUNAJACK!
- Laura Mallory believes Harry Potter books promote terrorism
- The Great Dumbledore Dies Meme of 2005
- The Great Deathly Hallows IRL Raid of 2007
- Teenage Azn Girl
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- Typical Harry Potter fan
- Collection of raid vids
- Spam The Harry Potter Book 7 spoilers in this HP Drama Llama's blog http://www.thegeeksblog.com/
- Digg this shit for great justice
- Slows down your cpu so you can't open the task manager, and forces you to listen to and watch spoilers
- spoil_me_dh LiveJournal losers ask to be spoiled, then cry because they don't like what they see.
- Leeroy jenkin's remixed song (along with hp spoilers) http://www.youtube.com/v/G_vas-7a7is
- Admin of harry_potter Inadvertantly leaks spoilers for entire community
- Digg on the Book 7 spoliers
| History: |
Usenet - GNAA - Bantown - Alt.fans.karl-malden.nose - Grog - Alt.syntax.tactical - Alt.tasteless - Andy Kaufman - Kenneth Eng - GOBBLES - Snopes - 2 Years for Trolling - Borat - Goatse - PP4L
|
| Theory: | |
| Practice: | /b/ - Holocaust denial - Hello.jpg - Pain Series - Fox News - Ann Coulter - Weev - Blu Aardvark - Hep - Fail-chan - Fort Longcat/Patriotic Nigras - The Power 5 - Sparkling Wiggles - Spoiler - Nigger Manual - VoicEverything
|
| Targets: | Feltcho - Ashi Moto - Duke Otterland - Gay Drama 2006 - TheRedSkull - Violetkitty411 - YouTube - Warbears - Waco - Vtech - JiZZy: Pakistan - Wikipedia - Pakis - MySpace - LiveJournal - Facebook - Harry Potter - DeviantArt - Mediacrat - Tawneelynne - Tom Galloway - Bravesgirl5 - InkLink - My Immortal - Tara Gilesbie
|
