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Rap

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Did you know
that... Rap is the leading cause of dog fighting, The 'N' Word and Jews?

A crude depiction of an early rapper clan.

Rap (derived from the words “crap” and “rape”) is theme music for the black community, MTV, and white people who have jerk friends IRL. Popular with niggers, Rap may be defined as jenkem for the ears. It began in the early part of the late 1970s, but its origins reach back to the darkest days of Africa when the drum was first invented, and some nigger talked while they guy was busy playing it. The process of creating a rap song is as follows:

1. First, you must create a TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT and preferably illogical pseudonym because regular old names are too boring for today’s X-TREME generation (also applies to black metal, only you replace "pimped-out" with "evil").

2. You must write songs about highly innovative and original topics such as sex, drugs, and violence to establish yourself as a totally unique individual because those topics have never been written about before or even discussed for that matter. Remember, nobody likes a poseur!

Eazy E invented gangsta rap. He also died of AIDS...what a fag.

3. When you write a song, go for style and not substance! Make sure you rhyme as many times as you can. Don’t worry about sacrificing the coherence of your message to all your forced rhyming; there’s no substitute for kool!!! In fact, the more incoherent your song is, the better. See Riding Dirty for inspiration!

4. Make sure to repeatedly lace your lyrics with random vocal interjections such as “uh-huh,” “yeah,” “das right,” and most recently "ballin" to remind everyone that you’re totally off the hook. Of course, these meaningless vocal spasms of shite do not serve to the fill the void when you can’t think of more substantial things to rap about...

5. Give your completed lyrics to a 4th grader. If he understands what’s being said, you’ve done well.

6. Don't even bother about singing because that takes talent and effort. Just talk in somewhat of a rhythm—occasionally. Speak normally the rest of the time (well, as normal as a black person can speak). Make certain that you butcher the English language as much as you can. Never speak correctly. That's not being totally pimp, yo!!!

7. Turn on the radio to a rock station. Listen for a catchy guitar riff and record it. Synthesize it, and alter it slightly. Loop it about 100 times and you have your VERY OWN, NON-PLAGIARIZED RAP SONG. Next, drop random samples of police sirens and loading guns to show everyone that you're a bad-ass rebel. Then give yourself a cookie.

8. Eat a lot of beans and fart in a recorder. Effect it, and you have bass.

This must be the fabled "hood" that is spoken so much about in rap.

9. Sit on your lazy, narcissistic ass and let other people who are more talented than you mix the CD.

10. Put a picture of a hot woman on your CD cover to compensate for your lack of hot women in the real world. Also, do it to boost the sales of your CD because you know your shit sucks, and is hence likely to attract the sort of crowd liable to use it for a cheap wank.

11. It is impossible for a rap "song" to be by just one rapper. It's a little known fact that every rap song features at least 100 other rappers, most of whom are unknown. In fact, the majority of every rap CD isn't the actual rapper.

12. ????

13. PROFIT!

Also, if you are a black person, you may skip all of the above steps and just follow this 5-step guide:

Get stoned
Break into a studio, bring some KFC, and record yourself talking shit about everyone you know
Get a young white boy to edit your music and burn it to CD's for a friendly exchange
Get assasinated by some niggers who were in your rival gang
Make billions and become famous overnight

Rap is responsible for nigga talk, bro. Cause "neighborhood" is three syllables. For s~~ho'~~ure. You ge~~ddit~~t it? If you don't, I'ma going to ~~pop a cap in yo skinny white ass~~ shoot you. So don't be dis~~sin'~~respecting mahy brothasers, ~~ma'-fucka~~boy.

1 What classifies as a rap song?
2 What makes a "rapper"
3 Music Videos
4 Typical rap-video
5 Origin of Rap: Hip Hop
- 5.1 Creation of a Hip-Hop Song
6 Clothing
7 Lifestyle
8 Terrorists of Popular Music
9 Hating Rap
10 Gospel Rap
11 The Best Rap Video to Date
12 Things preferable over listening to rap
13 See also
14 External Links

[edit] What classifies as a rap song?

Ice Cube raps about the struggle of the black man versus the white man. These political albums are also called "Nigga Politics" because it's the only thing that black people can understand.

For a song to classify as rap, one must be able to identify most or all of the following elements:

A list of felonies
Ebonics
The word "Yeah" repeated over 9,000 times; any less, it's not rap
Lyrics or titles containing the pseudomorph "Da"
- As in "Da Cops was Aksin' Me!"
Multiple references to some sort of "hood"

The word "Nigga" repeated over 9,000 times; and, as before, any less is not rap
Muthafucka has to be said at least 5,000 times or it is not rap
Police sirens
Samples from various rock artists
- Ozzy to name one
- Led Zepplin to name another
- Dick Dale too
- And Van Halen once
Singing about hard times*
Basic Rhymes
- The cat in the hat
Having at least 100 horny women with big asses in the video
The story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.
If its modern rap, have a Roland Drum machine that do a beat sample played at a bat-shit crazy tempo, and then say how you're tired of using technology.
'Soulful' rap generally consists of a 24yr old black Jew lamenting the aids he found in a 15yr old girls lap. His ego is butthurt because the 15yr old broke up with him for being a ghetto-fag. Unsurprisingly, dumb 15yr old MTV girls all over the planet will love his lyrics & worship him. [see: professional lying]
Must have a completely retarded dance to go along with it, so 13 year olds can dance to it constantly. See Soulja Boy.
The dance must include 6000 snaps and arm movements. As always, any less, and it isn't rap.

(* doesn't apply to Jews; a Jew can't create a rap song)

[edit] What makes a "rapper"

Although the media makes him out to be one, Paul Wall is NOT a rapper.

According to CNN, many rappers are African-American!
An extensive criminal record
Dark skin color (Acceptable range: #CD853F to #000000)
An annoying/deep voice, it helps if you can sound like you perpetually have a mouthfull of oatmeal
4,920 tattoos
Bad grammar and/or words that are hip phonetic misspellings of common words contained within your name
- Dawg/Dogg/dawgggwgg, E-Z, Busta, Ginyuin, plaztik
A gang and/or group of other "Rappers"
Acting like you can beat the shit out of absolutely anyone
Treating non-blacks as inferior for some reason
The ability to brag about getting shot
Wearing a color schemed sports outfit
Being from the da Hood or the projects
Having a "grill" filled with golden teeth
Driving an SUV, even though the most rugged terrain it will traverse is a pothole
Wearing gold everything around your neck---gold clock, gold Mercedes hood ornament, gold chains (the technical dexterity of the rapper is proportionate to the cm^3 of gold around his neck)
If you are Soulja boy
Trash talking about other rappers and then getting shot, and then doing it again because you're a dumbass.

[edit] Music Videos

A common scene from a rap music video.

If the song is about love (e.g. "I love da way you shake dat ass" in the chorus), then the music video will include scenes of the rapper in question cheating on his girlfriend and then winning her back by giving her a new necklace or diamond ring or something similar. These scenes will be, of course, intercut with clips of the rapper and his "crew" sitting in a hot tub with bikini-clad women.

Example of a Platinum selling rap artist.

[edit] Typical rap-video

Typical hip hop dance instructions for old fucks.

This video is what rap-music is all about, it even includes a retarded nigga. The text can be translated like this "Think if you can become rich on shit. Tired of all the work and just chill to a beat that you earn money from, i have been thinking on that idea since 2002." He also mentions that he want a whore as his girlfriend and buy his own sidewalk for ten 20's and eleven 100 bills, three 10's and one five'er.

[edit] Origin of Rap: Hip Hop

Typical hip-hop attire.

Rap's politically correct 'brother', hip hop was also rap's negligent parent. Although primarily considered by adherents to be a 'lifestyle' and/or movement hip hop purports to include 'music' (rap), fashion, art, literature and dance. As a musical genre, Hip Hop is supposedly more thoughtful, conscious and 'cleaner' than Rap and thus tl;dr and shit nobody cares about since it promotes such ludicrous ideals as black pride, respect for the black woman and non-violence whist it denounces such things as black-on-black violence, using the "igger" word calling women "bitches" and all the other stereotypical trappings of the gangsta rapper's 'ghetto nigger' lifestyle.

Most hip hop 'artists' consider themselves to be more educated, enligtened and 'advanced' than other rappers and look down upon their gun-toting brethren (who sell more records in one day that they do in a career). Many black hip hoppers have also converted to Islam and take Arabic names to show-off their piety. 99% of them are hypocrites however and enjoy smoking blunts, drinking Cosmopolitans and having sex with anything that moves whilst eating bacon sandwiches laced with Extacy when the opportunity arises.

[edit] Creation of a Hip-Hop Song

First a music producer goofs around on a cheap Casio keyboard. You know, the kind you could pick up for five bucks at a flea market and has old leaked batteries inside of it and sticky juice-stained keys. Around 45 seconds later, the proper beat and tempo is found. Then the artist starts rapping some half-assed poetry about his clothes, slutty women shaking their stinky asses, lame double-endantres, acting like a total moron at a club, and his watermelon harvest. The producer may add in a sampled melody of some unpopular Alan Parsons Project song. And that's how a hip-hop song is made.

A typical hip-hop "artist." The gibberish below is a free sample of his art.

[edit] Clothing

Hip-hop also refers to specific styles of apparel. Usually it consists of baggy brown sweat pants, a 25-pound matching hooded sweatshirt, brown boots, fake jewelry, and the ape inside of all of it (see right). Wiggers can wear this, but their typical attire is dark and nylon with blue flames and a crappy-looking dragon on the back.

[edit] Lifestyle

Hip-hop artists smoke crack simply because they want to get the least amount of sleep as possible to throw house parties that can last as long as 42 days. The bikini-clad black women who strip and dance for them were originally honor roll students at college, but were kidnapped and brainwashed and are now permanent prisoners in the mansions of the hip-hop artists. Their parents can't get them back because the record labels pay them off with gift certificates to KFC. Hip-hop artists own 12 luxury cars, not to drive, but to have around just for the sake of their pathetic image.

[edit] Terrorists of Popular Music

Black people have always dominated the charts in one way or another. At least 100 years ago, blacks actually played instruments and wrote their own songs and sounded more similar to anything a white person could do. Nowadays, black people can only be musicians if they adopt the hip-hop lifestyle. It's apparently the most successful way a black person can make it in society. Everything you hear on the radio is done by a black person and even white people begin to enjoy it since they are too stupid and poor to use the Internet to find better music that never had to rely on a flashy image.

[edit] Hating Rap

Many people think that rap is the new fad. It was, for a while. But now hating rap is the new fad. Many emo teenagers have taken to hating rap in the quest to be different, thus invariably becoming the majority themselves. This can be seen in the signatures of many people on internet forums (92% of Teens have moved on to rap if you are one of the 8% who listen to real music copy this in your signature). The irony is that they think that their emo songs are any better. This is also one invariably good thing about rap; the fact that you will almost never find an annoyingly emo rap song and you'll never find emos where there is rap. Raps Suck!!!