Facebook

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

"I'm sorry, Dave, I can't stop watching your news feed."

Facebook, originally conceived by celebrity pedophile jimmy savile in the late 80s as a killer app for grooming small children was like a gayspace for college and high school kids, but now is open to everyone, which sucks. So basically, it's MySpace, except you can't make your profile cause seizures and prominent Jew Mark Zuckerberg wants 15 billion dollars for it. Also, they censor pictures of teh pu55y. It is most often used to stalk classmates. Somebody needs to destroy the site. srsly.

[edit] Bleeding edge (lol) stalking technology

Facebook's main page.

On September 5, 2006, Facebook added an A+ feature called Feeds. Any time a user does anything that involves changing, adding or removing data on the site, the act is broadcast to a feed which any of that user's friends or classmates can read. The main feed is presented on the home page of the site as soon as users log in.

Gifts and sexual favors can be shared on facebook.

For example, if you

• Post a comment on a picture in some drunk chick's album telling her she's hot
• Leave a drunken comment on your ex's wall
• While drunk, change your mind about coming out and remove "officer in Campus PRIDE" from your activities
• Change your Current Status to "OMG SOOOO DRUNK"
• Confirm that you'll be drunk at an event at a particular physical location and time
• Tag a picture of yourself and your friends drunk and in an awkward position

Then everyone at your school will instantly be notified as soon as they log into Facebook!

typical use of facebook

1. Get into/onto (a)college
2. Set up facebook
3. Take 30+ pics drinking/date raping
4. Upload pictures to facebook
5. ?????
6. Profit!!!!

This is A+.</font> On this hallowed day, thousands of collar-popping date-raping fratclones were dumped by their orangeskin girlfriends for cruising skeeze snatch in photo comments, an activity now publicly viewable to all in the news feed! REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF SEPTEMBER, IN OTHER WORDS NEVAR 4GET.

[edit] Applications

Facebook has recently enabled applications to be installed on profiles, making them almost as annoying and painful to load as Myspace pages. But only so much so. These applications range from the wonderfully intelligent ("Now I can show people on Facebook what I'm listening to with Last.fm") to the downright retarded ("Now I can make profiles for my cats! My life is complete!"). Certain programs allow anonymous posting to people's profiles and other pages. Trolling opportunities are rife. Especially human pets.

[edit] Stalkerbook

The most prominent use of Facebook is to allow people with no social skills to stalk people that go to the same school as they do. People will post just about anything about themselves on there, from the names of their cats to photos of themselves having fun. Of course, this can be used for good, too.

This also allows the US Government to stalk you as well, which makes sense, considering FACEBOOK IS FINANCED BY THE CIA. This makes sense, given the obvious connections between founder Mark Zuckerberg --> Jew --> CIA --> JEWS DID WTC.

[edit] Serious drama

Facebook e-slacktivists. I'd hit it.

protest image macro of Brian Peppers

By the evening of September 5, a number of groups opposed to the various changes had appeared on Facebook, including Students Against Facebook News Feed. At 7pm EST, the group had 11,000 members. By 9:30, it had over 30,000 members and was adding a staggering 20 members per second. By about 10:30, the clip had slowed to about 4 users per second which would be sustained overnight.

omg protest bandwagon

10:26pm: 42,460 16 year old girls

10:27pm: 42,689 Internet Law majors

Statistics from this nerd

The group hit 100,000 members at 2:15am Eastern, by which point all communication occurring was from basement dwellers saying shit like "oh man the last two hours of my life were spent watching this group to see when it rolled over 100,000....its like new years only better" and girllovers posting hundreds of pictures of Dakota Fanning over and over and OVER AND OVER. In a crude variant of the fifty Hitler post, a Texas user named Jonathan Cunningham or simply "The Rape Kid", continuously posted the word "RAPE" at least 100 times in every thread for over 2 hours.

By September 7th, there were over 700,000 members angsting over the use over the word "gay" in a 1,000+ discussion thread, because the internet is serious business.

If the group's growth continues merely at a linear rate, by midnight on 9/11 it will have 1,712,786 members, ranking in population ahead of Philadelphia as the 5th largest US city. If it were a real city, it would have at least one million additional pedos waiting for several hundred thousand clones of Dakota Fanning to make the first move.

[edit] Flamefest

Predictably, the group's "wall" dissolved into a flamefest on every imaginable unrelated topic, including Palestine, liberal pussies, Jews did WTC and teh homosexuals.

Omg gay:

The original UConn Jesus post

UConn Christ fanbois (and fangirls) preach the Word:

Class warfare:

Dakota Fanning fanboi "Rape Kid"

Below, the sister-fucking Texan "Rape Kid" makes an argument on the Palestine thread. Shortly after stating his position, Rape Kid was hit with the banhammer in a clear assault against free speech.

[edit] Idiotic Art Theft

Because copyright means nothing, and people think it's much more fun, and easier, to steal things from people who post things on devianTART and y!Gallery then doing the honorable thing, and stealing them from Viacom and Microsoft, large amounts of fantard clubs have been formed revolving around posting stolen fanart on the site, both in the fantard clubs, as well as all over their user pages. Mostly yaoi related, and the occasional furry, the art pours in by the hundreds, no sources, no credits, the posters too lazy and stupid to even bother taking the artist's watermark, which happens to have their contact information, off of the picture. The comments that go with the pictures, "OMG!!!1!1!!!!11 SO HAWT!!!11!!", referring of course to anything, a stick figure, or the best piece of art in two thousand years. Upon finding adequate "proof" of the art theft, showing that it is from a different person, because the watermark is not good enough, you can finally report it to the facebook staff. Now, after spending the last 30 minutes smashing your head against the desk for doing a favor for your friend who's art has been stolen, getting the adequate proof that they need, they inform you that you must cut through the 3 miles of red tape, and follow the simple 299 step copyright report process. Please note, the copyright report process must be done via e-mail, you must provide your Date of Birth, name, address, phone number, social security number, bank account number, PIN number, all credit and debit card information, and your soul. Upon completion of this, a friendly staff member will take a look at your case in approximately 8 years, when Facebook has already been closed down for copyright violations, not THOSE copyright violations, but the fact that the founder was a fucktard and stole the idea from someone, or whatever.

[edit] zOMG boycott

Predictably, a number of online petitions and calls for boycott sprang up. Though most of the boycott calls were amusingly posted on Facebook, one srsly TL;DR one was posted on Blogspot: http://daywithoutfacebook.blogspot.com/

Presented in anarchist red and white text on a black background, the authors urged readers to refuse to log into Facebook on 9/12, which is the day after 9/11.

Albeit ugly as hell, the author was at least wise enough to realize having the bajillionth "FUCK FACEBOOK Boycot Group" is redundant, as facebook would then be required to boycott facebook. Time paradox.

[edit] Media sharkfrenzy

At about 10:30 Eastern, the story hit Slashdot, driving tons of furry traffic to lame sites whining about Facebook which I left out of this article. Around the same time, TL;DR editorials started appearing in college papers picked up by Google News.

By morning, snarky posts comparing the "revolt" to 1960s anti-Vietnam demonstrations started appearing in blogs on prominent nerd sites like ZDNet and CNet.

By late afternoon, the story had been picked up by Time.com as a front page "what's hot" story. This was followed shortly by articles in the San Francisco Chronicle, Wired, and later in The Washington Post.

[edit] Response

Mark Zuckerberg posted an article to the Facebook blog at 1:45am. It wasn't too contrite, though:

We're not oblivious of the Facebook groups popping up about this (by the way, Ruchi is not the devil). And we agree, stalking isn't cool; but being able to know what's going on in your friends' lives is. This is information people used to dig for on a daily basis, nicely reorganized and summarized so people can learn about the people they care about.

Of course, friendwhores make this all bullshit by friending everyone in sight. Because everyone is so used to adding friendwhores, it's easy to get yourself added by a victim. Problem solved!

[edit] Predictions

National news agencies, always eager for more online German teen drug sex stories, should shortly pick up the story leading to yet another round of hand-wringing over e-pedos and a statement from Joe Lieberman. This will quickly be followed by trite contrition from Mark Zuckerberg and a rollback of the new features to the disappointment of "ephebophiles" everywhere.

If the features aren't removed, a brisk market of Facebook account trading will spring up on eBay within days as capitalist Young Republican users sell their accounts to Catholic priests.

[edit] What really happened

Mark Zuckerberg set up an open letter of apology on 9/8 that allowed users to block the feed:

Experts do not forsee an end to the drama, however. REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF SEPTEMBER

[edit] The corruption of facebook: THE FAKEBOOK

A new use of facebook is the creation of fake big celebrity facebook accounts. This internet fenomena is popular on many community websites, and is know for the the name of fakebook or fakebooking. We hope the fucktarded managers of fakebook don't show more gay-ness and start deleting those accounts. General opinion is that Anonymous is to blame for the fakebook accounts.

• 5 WT Snacks
• 1 Mitchell Henderson
• 10 Tay Zondays

[edit] Use of the Fakebook

Another use of the endless amounts of puppet accounts possible is for raids. Recently, a group has arisen with the dread name /i/. Notable members include Mitchell Henderson, Sandy W. Itchef, and Poonchief Mangina. The group has had great success in taking down a Megan Meier group and plans more assaults in the near future. The group kindly requests /b/lackup as soon as possible.

[edit] Serious Photoshops

Facebook stalkees also made at least 100 ghey Photoshops. The best are presented here.

Beware.	Jakejekyll lives!	A+ Roman Shower.	srsly just ghey.
now this is just in poor taste!	ObHitler	what (it's true tho)	HAL 9000 yo
war on terror	Brian Peppers cameo	and finally the lameass Chuck Norris one.	Typical Facebook user.
8/30 NEV4R 4GET	you've been farted on

[edit] YTMND

• http://stalkernet.ytmnd.com/ -- predictable but warm and satisfying, sort of like Toad The Wet Sprocket.

[edit] See Also

• OMG Illegal Facebook source code do not click!!!
• Myspace
• Teenspot
• Friendster
• Yuppie
• Unrealistic expectations

[edit] External Links

• Rudy Guiliani's daughter, Caroline, was smart enough to put photos of her underage drinking on Facebook.
• An open letter to Mark Zuckerberg
• Facebook
• Javascript bookmarklets to delete your info from feeds
• SF Chronicle article one week later.

Facebook is part of a series on Web 2.0

Web 2.0 • Social networking • Social networking sites • Blogging • Blogosphere • Podcasting • Wikiing • Ajax • Ruby on Rails • Internet Humanitarianism • X is not your personal army • ITunes Store Web 2.0 Sites bebo | Broadcaster | chacha | digg | facebook | justin.tv | last.fm | livejournal | livevideo | myspace | slashdot | stickam | wikipedia | xanga | yahoo! answers | youtube | ytmnd People of Web 2.0 Tom Anderson | Steve Chen | Brad Fitzpatrick | Max Goldberg | Iain Hall | Chad Hurley | Kevin Rose | Kathy Sierra | Jimmy Wales | You | Mark Zuckerberg