Masturbation
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Masturbation, aka self-pleasuring, playing with oneself, shaking hands with the one eyed milkman, self-gratifying, or fingering oneself.
It's been rumored that only white people masturbate. Contrary to what Jackin' World's failed masturbation FAQ claims, black men get too much pussy to masturbate, but that usually leads to them getting AIDS and women pregnant and leaving and not paying child support.
Even today with the mass liberalization of America, many think it is wrong to masturbate or at least somewhat unsanitary. It was once believed that excessive masturbation would lead to hairy palms, blindness and ultimately death. Modern science has helped us to disprove these myths. The only side effects of masturbation are wasted time, energy, money, tissues, lotion and self-esteem.
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[edit] History
Early historical texts attribute the invention of masturbation to the famous Genghis Khan, who jacked off and came on the faces of the losing armies general, thus creating the Mongolian Mud Facial. It died down however during the Baroque Era, when suddenly fat chicks became popular. The recent surge in masturbation was discovered by Adam Rothra sometime in 1996 while he was attempting to find something to have sex with. Since then masturbation has been practiced by teens, rolemodels, milkmen, and catholics everywhere. Masturbation 2.0, or autoerotic asphyxiation, was introduced shortly thereafter.
[edit] Wikipedia Masturbation
Choking the chicken, so says Wikipedia[1] (in the small non-boring part of that entry). When not on LiveJournal, LJ Users are usually masturbating to furry pornography. Wikipedia is good with it. The queen bitch of wikipedia masturbators is Luna Santin who teaches all new administrators how to suck dick and eat dirty pussy, the bitch is top dog when it comes to that. This lunatic is exalted wiki bitch masturbating queen. Her job is to masturbate and teach how the losers how to masturbate[2] all the administrators at the annual Wikipedo festival.
[edit] Masturbation in Society
Masturbation is still a touchy subject in the public sector. Bill Clinton's first choice for Surgeon General, Joyce Carol Oates the Elder, advocated the teaching of masturbation to school children by specialist volunteers. President Clinton fearing that self-sexually-satisfied interns would have no need or desire for his southern hospitality promptly relocated her to Bantown.
As an act of protest she formed a soft rock band with her life partner Daryl Hall and recorded the song Maneater to publicize the real reason for her forced relocation. The Republicans, having sympathy for this poor black woman, retaliated by impeaching Clinton.
Oates also sued in civil court and won, resulting in Clinton being forced to sell all his property to pay for the judgment and thus having to move to Harlem. In fear that his penis would be taken and sold off at government auction, he had it surgically removed and given to a trustworthy individual for safe keeping until the whole thing blew over. His penis was last rumored to be living in New York and thinking of running for president.
[edit] Masturbation Personalities
- Masturbation Fundamentalist - The fundamentalist masturbates simply to get it over and done with when the sexual tension builds up to an irritating level. With a few exceptions, they've always masturbated the same exact way since puberty.
- Masturbation Hobbyist - The hobbyist masturbates to experiment with new and different techniques that range from
basic masturbation to bizarre methods. They like to continue masturbating throughout their life even if they have a great sexual relationship with their partner, husband, or wife. They have been even known to sometimes engage in or fantasize about jerking off with their friend and/or possibly getting together with a group of people for a "circle jerk" (male group) or a "circle jill" (female group). - Masturbation Connoisseur - The connoisseur is a highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to beat their tenderloin meat. They may travel world by themselves or with their favorite fellow masturbation enthusiast. Often they are members of exclusive clubs that charge a cover fee to sit around and wank off together while listing to music or watching some type of erotica. They believe masturbation is a science and an art, therefore many are qualified to teach PhD level courses in Hand Made Pleasure.
- Masturbation Daredevil - The daredevil thinks they are creative, but often just they end up embarrassed, arrested, or dead. These tend to be the people you hear about who hang themselves or tie plastic bags around their head in a pathetic effort to mimic autoerotic asphyxiation. They are also the ones you read about in the newspaper that get caught pulling off in public parks or movie theaters. Sometimes they idolize who they claim is the only "true masturbation hero", Mr. Pee Wee Herman.
- Lunarsandwich - a category of his own- the universe's best goat masturbator.
- Danger Wanking - The Danger Wanker has possibly the most lulziest ideas out of all the Wanker catogories. This Wanker lies in his bed, starts wanking, and then shouts "MUUUUMMMM! COME HERE!" and then rushes to get finished and cleaned before his mother arrives. Living in the same building as your mother makes this technique more effective.
- Face-painter - a man who jerks it to womens' non-pr0n MySpace pics and shoots his load on them, then photographs the cumpcovered printouts of the pics and puts those photos on MySpace. Normally an evolved form of the Masturbation Daredevil, face-painters consider themselves to be artists. The rest of the world sees them as sick fucks.
If you want to find out where you fit in to the masturbation personality spectrum, porn sites are not the way to go! Trusted resources from the real experts include:
- Advanced Masturbation - Male techniques, myths, synonyms, and lubrication advice.
- JackinWorld - The ultimate male masturbation resource.
- Clitical.com - Female masturbation information, techniques, and advice.
[edit] Maturbation in relation to God
A particularly interesting religious phenomenon occurs whilst stimulating one's genitalia. Most masturbators feel that god is watching them. They report sensing that god is purveying his godly eyes over the sinful scene. Others have reported that this God is actually an impostor known as ceiling cat.
[edit] Slang
Slang terms for male masturbation include shameless self promotion,releasing the hostages, spanking hank, shakin' hands with the one-eyed milkman, spanking the ham, slapping your ham, flogging your log, meeting the bishop, polishing your musket, waxing your willy, whacking your jack, charming the one eyed python, going to see Aunt Mary and her four daughters, cleaning your pipes, pounding your pud, punching the clown, lighting your wick, playing pocket pool, stroking it, rubbing one off, punching the one-eyed nun, beating the meat, pulling your goalie, wanking, jerking off, jacking off, pulling off, shaking hands with the sheriff, choking your chicken, jerkin' your gherkin, beating your meat, shaking hands with shorty, punching the clown, whacking off, killing some kittens, dating Miss Michigan, making some glue, firing the surgeon general, running in single user mode, shaking hands with the minister of love, waxing the dolphin, romancing yourself, spanking the monkey, shaking hands with the unemployed, and benchpressing the wienermobile.
Slang terms to describe female masturbation include and jilling off, strumming, chatting with the man in the canoe, flicking the bean, polishing the pearl, finding nemo, marching the penguin, petting the kitten, seeing a chick flick, or ya-yaing the sisterhood. For more, type "meat curtain" into Google and click the "Feeling Lucky" button. Seriously.
[edit] Serious Business
Semen related blockages due to masturbation costs universities thousands of dollars every year:
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[edit] See also
- Ghostlight, Argos, Brainlesswonder, and anybody else who happens to think the Synthetikmisery article is boring.
- Auto-fellatio
- Kraken's ghost
- Auto erotic asphyxiation
- Healthy Strokes
[edit] Related Links
In recent studies, it has been known, that if one goes out in the wild; one will find a nathan. Nathan's are very dangerous creatures, if found run from at full speed. For if he catches you he will fuck uncontrollably.
