Conservatism
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The political ideology that states that it is generally a good idea to keep the status quo no matter how fucked up it is. Based on this definition, no conservative exists, as everybody wants to change something. A more plausible summary of the goal of conservatism: going backwards in time to something like the 1950's. At least 100% of the time they are Fundie christians, but the white power types tend to reclaim Norse religions.
Many of these people love Jesus, and love to force others to believe in him. However, Last Thursday, Ronald Reagan killed Jesus, and he is now recognized as God of America.
Conservatives are known to lower taxes and spend more, kill niggers, murder science, love guns, hate gays, and are against killing the unborn but love killing the already born. Also, they love George W. Bush.
It has been postulated in many circles that conservatism will save America. These circle jerks are usually populated by rich, white, assholes who have no idea what America is.
Basically, conservatives believe that everything should go back to how it was a generation ago, but then the conservatives from that generation would have things go back to how they were a generation before that, and so on and so on, which would mean that they in effect belief that people should eventually revert to being cavemen.
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[edit] History
The Gun Laws of today were started after the Civil War by Democrats and called "Black Laws" to keep guns out of the hands of black people.
Condoleezza Rice's grandfather went into town one day to register to vote. He first went to the Democrats office where he was thrown out and told that "Niggers weren't welcome in their party". He then went to the office of the GOP where he was allowed to register and vote free of prejudice.
Hippies protested at the Democratic Convention in the 60's wherein the mayor ordered the police to beat the piss out of them. Hippies are often seen in films from that era chanting "FUCK YOU LBJ" referring to the then Democratic president Lyndon B Johnson. Only after those hippies got jobs as professors and news "reporters" (and John Kerry) were they able to slant the public's view into thinking Conservatives and Republicans were racist. This was made easier by the fact that most conservatives didn't do anything useful whatsoever. The poorer ones ate racoons and Welfare checks, whereas the rich ones drank all day and plotted their comeback by purchasing all of media through Rupert Murdoch, the true face of the Anti-Christ.
The US president experienced a dilemma when told by senior staff that he was a conservative. This was because he thought conservating was an activity only undertaken by smelly, tree-hugging hippies.
[edit] Kool-Aid
The official seal of the Republican party and conservatives in general is the Kool-Aid man. The reference originates from the Jonestown Massacre, where a Christfag named Jim Jones led sum nigras to cross the Nile into Guyana where they slurped Grape Kool-Aid all day like nigras always do. It's comparable to the way conservatives down George Bush's bullshit where he claimed conquering the nation of Iraq, would somehow protect the US from Iraq's intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles that, Saddam's own top generals knew existed. Little do leftards know, when the nuclear weapons were not found because the of the U.N., who had been bought off by Iraq's "Oil For Food" scam (that Koffi Anan's own son admitted to participating in), no one was as surprised as Saddams's former top aides and generals. As recently as November 2006 Newsweek admitted that Saddam was a few months away from having nuclear capabilities. Oh snap.
[edit] Conservative porn
It is well known that since conservatives are publicly against all bodily fluid contact, skin to skin contact, or any other fun naked stuff, save for procreation. Privately they tend to be more deviant than liberals. They also get off listening to balding, fat blowhards on AM talk radio. The ultimate in Conservative porn is hearing the latest Rush Limbaugh wannabe go off about immigration, banning gay marriage or threatening to shoot the homeless into space. If you want to hear some of this auditory porn, try just about any AM radio station below the Mason-Dixon line in the United States. Fox News will also do in a pinch for a quick splooge in the living room. Here's a conservative porn store endorsed on a LiveJournal message board or something!!
[edit] East Asian Conservatives
East Asian conservatives are mostly 80 year old Chinese man in panties who believe in ancient Chinese beliefs. They can usually be found strolling through their cherry blossom garden recalling ancient Chinese proverb in the third person. Asian Conservatives often force their children through rigorous study in school. This often leads Asian teens to become azn or become an hero. As with most of the world, they are in charge here, but unlike most of the world, they've never lost power.
Asian Conservatives revere:
- Confucius
- |Lao-tsu
- Buddha
- Jackie Chan
- fortune cookies
- Whoever is in charge.
Not to be confused with Michelle Malkin.
[edit] European Conservatives
Europeans believe that Conservatism caused Hitler and that if they act conservative they will be more like Americans. Because of this there is no Conservatism in Europe except in England, where it made all the minors go on strike and have riots at least 100 years ago. And it's popular in Germany as being Conservative lets you openly practice rabid xenophobia, racism and hating fags which are all popular pastimes in Germany, as well as cornerstones of the Conservative philosophy.
[edit] Conservatism (community)
[[ljuser:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]] is also a LiveJournal Community theoretically dedicated to discussion of right-wing politics, but generally more concerned with nonsense about Michael Moore and occasionally "what leftists think" or anti-Americanism.
[edit] Examples of conservative discussions
- Here they explore the finer aspects of Sharia Law with How would Jesus pay taxes?, TL;DR
- A terror-filled article on why Vaginas are scary
- An Almost hijacked story (actually a lie) which generated over 1000 posts. (see also almost raped)
[edit] Qualifications for Membership
- An icon that features either an eagle, the stars and stripes and/or the user stroking a handgun.
- A belief that the belief in a liberal bias of all media, ever, is a cast-iron refutation of any theory vaguely implying the poster's leftard-hood.
- An irrational sexual attraction to Jews and Ronald Reagan's corpse
- A belief that America's oil dependency will be amply served by some shale oil fields in Alaska - even though every single government and oil company in the Universe has spent millions of dollars in research grants to reach the conclusion that it's not possible to extract oil from shale
- The ability to work Hilary Clinton and/or Michael Moore into every conversation
- The ability to work Abortion, Gay marriage and no-fault divorce into every conversation
- A stockpile of rifles and firearms to "protect" you from the government military and law institutions that you simultaneously worship and believe can do no wrong, while also believing that your pathetic stockpile would help you if the party van came for you.
- The ability to declare yourself a disbeliever in "political correctness" while getting butthurt if anyone says anything bad about the US military, Christians, White people, Jews, "red-staters", Confederacy, Republicans in general and George W. Bush in particular; or implies that the US is anything but the best country in the world
- A persecution complex
- An asshole complex
- Repressed homosexuality, often manifesting itself as blatant faggotry and actual gay sex, the memories of which are also later repressed.
- Gaps in immediate memory in conjunction with anal soreness.
- Lifelong financial insulation from anything resembling 'reality'
- Constant whining about liberals being whiny or proclaiming yourself to be the 'anti-liberal.'
- (If owned by a high school libtard) Insulting that person constantly just because he/she is a high schooler.
- Forgetting the fact that yuo were a libtard when you were in high school.
- Tells foreigners to GTFO on issues they cannot solve.
- Pedophilia.
- A predisposition to believe that human rights and democracy are oh-so-oppressed everywhere whether it's in China, Russia, Iran, France, or Venezuela but at the same time, bitch and complain every time the Democrats win an election at home or, God forbid, liberals utilize their "rights" to free speech.
- A tendency to call anyone and everyone a 'hippie' and/or 'commie' as soon as they feel personally threatened or disagree in any way with the other person's opinions on anything.
- An identity-crisis at any moment you have to use your brain, usually resorting to Christianity, alcoholism, pedophilia, and other typical vices of Catholic priests, who are great examples of Conservatives.
- Knowledge of where the best public restrooms to cruise for cock are.
[edit] How to troll Conservatives OL
It should be noted that trolling conservatives is redundant since conservatives are perpetually butthurt 24/7 anyway, and spend most of their time jacking off to AM radio, bibles, and kiddie porn, so they might have too much denial to be trolled well.
In general, some fun tricks to play on conservatives are to tell them someone is either:
- trying to kill them
- make them pay taxes
- take their jerb
- destroy their culture
- make them speak another language
- outlaw Christianity and the Bible
- have gay sex with them
- or even all at once.
This does not have to be true, but if you say you're a Christian, they'll believe you. You may also have to say how much you love Jesus.
Using these simple techniques, you can easily confuse them into thinking you give a shit about what you're talking about, or things like convincing them it's good if people are guilty until proven innocent, and that it's good to give up your freedom for a false sense of security (though you should always emphasize how it is not false through dramatic technique). One important thing is to keep them on edge 24/7. This can be accomplished by bitter hags, sensationalist closet homosexuals, and FOX News. It sounds complicated, but is easy once you get the hang of it. They can even trick themselves with it! Other overdone plots:
- You see, Canada is obviously superior.
- I think Hillary Clinton would make an excellent President, as long as she doesn't have sexual relations with that woman's husband things should run smoothly.
- Did you know that Ronald Reagan invented AIDs because he hates black people?
- People should not be afraid of their government, government should be afraid of their people"
- Republicans are on a war on terror, Democrats are on a war on error.
Conservatives are generally used to shitstorms of the above statements, and can brush them off easily.
[edit] List of Conservatives
- Any Concerned Mother
- Iain Hall
- Victoria4usa
- Nathan Sheets
- Culturalbaggage
- Cigarskunk
- Rednecks
- Kid Rock
- Idiots
- Ann Coulter
- Lyndon Johnson
- Mike Crapo
- Inheritrix
- Michelle Malkin
- T. S. Eliot
- DonDarkstalker
- Synthetikmisery
- God
- FacelessMaster3003
- DBoyWheeler
- PilgrimJohn
- W
- Amalea
- T. Reginald Gibbons
- Jeff Gannon
- Larry Craig
- Your mom d00d. no wonder you're fucked up.
- Bruce Willis, he'll kick your ass
- ConFURvatives - Even FURRIES are conservatives!
